all the lies uncovered... from one convo

[problemsolver]

So i msged her ex boyfriend... .bad move ? I guess... .i learned everything plus got a phone call from her


She was having sex with me and her other boyfriend at the same time... .lied about basically everything... .she said I didn't matter at all... her ex boyfriend actually cares about her... .im psychotic , go back to your state , grow up , don't start drama... get over yourself , move on with your life... .you were stalking me a few months ago... blah blah blah... I'm officially the guy in the stories.  Shell Shocked... uning believable... .I was literally shaking on the phone

[Invictus01]

And that is why people are much better off just leaving the circus behind and skipping town, so to speak, after one of these relationships blew up. Absolutely no way to know what was real, what wasn't and what in the world you dealt with.

Hang in there, dude... .But leave the circus behind... .

[enlighten me]

Im sorry you had to deal with all of this. Its hard when you discover that they were not who you thought they were and have said and done so many horrible things.

[problemsolver]

Im sorry you had to deal with all of this. Its hard when you discover that they were not who you thought they were and have said and done so many horrible things.

The whole thing was actually one big lie... .incredible was i wrong for doing this?

[problemsolver]

And that is why people are much better off just leaving the circus behind and skipping town, so to speak, after one of these relationships blew up. Absolutely no way to know what was real, what wasn't and what in the world you dealt with.

Hang in there, dude... .But leave the circus behind... .

My heads spinning dude all the irrational jealous , fear of me cheating... .scaring away other girls... just a big lie like what the heck? 8 months worth of lies and just about nothing was true? People afe asking me why this is shaking me up... .honestly I just don't know what to think. .

[blissful_camper]

Im sorry you had to deal with all of this. Its hard when you discover that they were not who you thought they were and have said and done so many horrible things.

The whole thing was actually one big lie... .incredible was i wrong for doing this?

Contacting her ex seeking answers?  How are you feeling about having done that?

It's profoundly disturbing to discover the deception.

[problemsolver]

Im sorry you had to deal with all of this. Its hard when you discover that they were not who you thought they were and have said and done so many horrible things.



I feel awkward because he showed her the msgs... but at the same time its actually really scary to hear her admit yes I was lying , yes I was sleeping with you both , so what! Like it leaves me so shaken and uneasy... this girl was terrified of me being with another girl. about going out... always scaring other girls away but yet she had the other dude there. .  I must of asked her 100 times if she still spoke with him... she looked me dead in my eyes and said nope... she went on a trip with him... .where they were sleeping together all week... I went on a trip with a girl and got b___ed at... why couldn't she just be honest? Like i feel odd for doing it at this time but I just couldn't stand not knowing.

[enlighten me]

Everyone is different so whether doing what you did or not doing it doesn't matter. You needed to find out for closure. It was what you had to do for you and for someone else it might be different. For me I never contacted her ex even though I have wanted to many times. I like you was shocked when I realised the amount of lies. I still want answers but I have accepted that she is not the woman I thought she was. Others may be comfortable not knowing the truth and moving on.

Its strange how we feel awkward for finding them out. Why do we care what they think about us? They are the ones that did wrong so why do we feel guilty? This is part of the path to self discovery. Looking at why we do things and what allowed us to get sucked into this type of relationship.

How are you doing now?

[problemsolver]

Everyone is different so whether doing what you did or not doing it doesn't matter. You needed to find out for closure. It was what you had to do for you and for someone else it might be different. For me I never contacted her ex even though I have wanted to many times. I like you was shocked when I realised the amount of lies. I still want answers but I have accepted that she is not the woman I thought she was. Others may be comfortable not knowing the truth and moving on.

Its strange how we feel awkward for finding them out. Why do we care what they think about us? They are the ones that did wrong so why do we feel guilty? This is part of the path to self discovery. Looking at why we do things and what allowed us to get sucked into this type of relationship.

How are you doing now?

A few hrs out still shocked because I'm now thinking about how she always played the victim. . Like I honestly feel like it was a broadway play... now I actually don't believe anything is so scary. . The things she was blaming me for she was doing? Was she really hurt? Or was this just a screen play of actions to figure out a way to push me outta the picture? Secondly I'm actually feeling scared that she might do something over board... to prove I'm bad im psycho... I'm nervous for the nxt few days

[blissful_camper]

I can understand why you feel awkward.   I bet that discovering the deception was a real eye opener. I feel for ya. I discovered lies upon lies too.  At the end of the day I reached a similar conclusion as you. During the r/s I was shown only what my ex wanted me to see.   When I worked through that initial shock, having the answers provided a framework for detaching and finding peace within myself. Use what you've learned to benefit you.  

[LonelyChild]

Not to belittle your experience, just relating:

This happened to me as well. Constant jealousy with accusations of cheating. It turned out, she was the one cheating all along. As you, I was shaken to my core. I almost ended up committing suicide. Almost.

Today, I've detached. I don't put much blame on her. She did her best - she will probably never be better than this. It's not because she's evil, it's because she's broken from infancy. She has nothing in her life, so she tries to keep what little attachments there are. Many BPD sufferers have been exploited sexually in childhood. And even if not - the easiest way for a woman to keep a man hooked is to offer sex.

When she's with you, she's aching because her abandonment fears are trigged by not having ex around. When she's with him, she's aching because she fears being abandoned by you. Easiset thing to keep you both around - give sex. Because besides sex, a relationship requires commitment. There's no chance to commit emotionally and practically (shopping, cleaing, cooking food, hanging out, doing stuff together etc) to several people. So what she does is have sex.

She didn't have sex with her ex behind your back because YOU weren't enough. She did it because she fears losing attachments as much as losing her life. They are pretty much equal to her (emotionally). Please think carefully about your ex's life situation.

When you give a beggar a few coins and then see the beggar move on the the next person, asking for coins again, do you get jealous? Do you think "well what the hell did I do, I just gave the beggar my coins, but still it isn't enough and the beggar wants more?" No, of course not. The beggar has nothing and tries to get all she (in this case) can get. Your girlfriend works the same way. She has NOTHING when it comes to emotional intimacy in her life. Not with friends, not with family, not with anyone. What little emotionally she can have, she does anything to have.

Feel sorry for this broken shard of a human being. You can heal and move on. She most likely will never. She will remain in this torturous state for as long as she exists.

Also: If you look around the boards (even the staying board!) you will be reading your own story over and over again. This happens all the time with pwBPD. It had nothing to do with you not being tall enough, handsome enough, "there" enough, not being enough for her sexually, not rich enough or whatever. You could be Bill Gates with Brad Pitt looks and a 12 inch D, 200 Ferraris and a handfull of private jets, as famous as Bieber and wanted by everyone. She would still do this, and she would still make it your fault and make you feel that you did something wrong and that you weren't enough.

[enlighten me]

Its perfectly understandable to worry about retribution. You have outed her and she wont like that. She may go overboard on a smear campaign. My advice is if it doesn't affect your well being then ignore it. If she calls the police with a trumped up charge or if she causes trouble with your work then you will have to do something. If its just painting you black to your friends then the way I see it is the ones that know you wont believe it and the ones that do believe it aren't really friends.

Is she likely to cause trouble with your work? If so fore warn your boss.  A simple "I just want to let you know Ive found out some things about my ex and she isn't happy I know. Im worried that she will try to cause trouble so I wanted to warn you". If they ask anything more then tell them as much as you feel comfortable with but try not to sound crazy with it.

Chances are it will just be friends. She seems to be keen on secrets so probably wont want it too public in case you openly out her to the world.

[blissful_camper]

Everyone is different so whether doing what you did or not doing it doesn't matter. You needed to find out for closure. It was what you had to do for you and for someone else it might be different. For me I never contacted her ex even though I have wanted to many times. I like you was shocked when I realised the amount of lies. I still want answers but I have accepted that she is not the woman I thought she was. Others may be comfortable not knowing the truth and moving on.

Its strange how we feel awkward for finding them out. Why do we care what they think about us? They are the ones that did wrong so why do we feel guilty? This is part of the path to self discovery. Looking at why we do things and what allowed us to get sucked into this type of relationship.

How are you doing now?

A few hrs out still shocked because I'm now thinking about how she always played the victim. . Like I honestly feel like it was a broadway play... now I actually don't believe anything is so scary. . The things she was blaming me for she was doing? Was she really hurt? Or was this just a screen play of actions to figure out a way to push me outta the picture? Secondly I'm actually feeling scared that she might do something over board... to prove I'm bad im psycho... I'm nervous for the nxt few days

It's super scary and it's good that it scares you. It means that you're on your way to healing from this.  

You were plugged into a script. It's a disorder. Her ex was plugged in as well. He's still playing. When you step out of the script you are establishing a firm boundary.

Are you on social media? Have you blocked your ex and her ex?

[Invictus01]

And that is why people are much better off just leaving the circus behind and skipping town, so to speak, after one of these relationships blew up. Absolutely no way to know what was real, what wasn't and what in the world you dealt with.

Hang in there, dude... .But leave the circus behind... .

My heads spinning dude all the irrational jealous , fear of me cheating... .scaring away other girls... just a big lie like what the heck? 8 months worth of lies and just about nothing was true? People afe asking me why this is shaking me up... .honestly I just don't know what to think. .

To be honest, I was in the same boat. She threw me out of her life so abruptly, I remember thinking to myself - "Was any of that real? Anything? It just can't be... .Can it?" I never found out the whole story because I pretty much went hardcore NC right away. In the end, doesn't really matter. The pattern is so similar to a whole lot of other stories, I pretty much know that by now (I am almost a year out) there are probably another guy or two who thought they met the perfect "love of their live" and now going - "Was any of that real?" All this is normal to them and completely screwed up to a normal human brain. Just gotta accept it and remove yourself from the situation.

[Michelle27]

Ironic that I read this  today.  Last night I had an hour long phone conversation with my ex's first wife.  She has wanted to talk to me since finding out we separated 3 months ago and I've been putting it off partly because I don't think I wanted to hear confirmation that I was such a dork for believing his lies.  The conversation went well, though, although for both of us it was information overload as far as her hearing for the first time about his mental health issues (she just thought he was a jerk).  Turns out he was chatting to me and many others while still with her (he told me he was separated although was vague about when it happened).  She said he can't tell the truth to save his life and we compared notes on things he claimed about their marriage that were complete projections (he said she was abusive... .of course, the reverse was true).  We'll talk again and make sure our kids get together (both his). 

[Pretty Woman]

Problemsolver,

  I re read your post.

They can be so cruel. Telling you that you meant nothing.

Whenever you have doubts please re-read that. Screw her. Seriously. Mine did this too. When they replace they are a-holes. Everything is YOUR fault. You are left licking your wounds wondering if you really are an a-hole.

Guess what? You are not the a-hole.  Anyone who says those things to someone else... .while playing two people against each other... .

garbage.

We are NOT here to judge your actions. You did what YOU needed to do.

What are your plans now? Are you going NC?

PW

[AnnaBlue917]

LONELY ONE WROTE:  She didn't have sex with her ex behind your back because YOU weren't enough. She did it because she fears losing attachments as much as losing her life. They are pretty much equal to her (emotionally). Please think carefully about your ex's life situation.

When you give a beggar a few coins and then see the beggar move on the the next person, asking for coins again, do you get jealous? Do you think "well what the hell did I do, I just gave the beggar my coins, but still it isn't enough and the beggar wants more?" No, of course not. The beggar has nothing and tries to get all she (in this case) can get. Your girlfriend works the same way. She has NOTHING when it comes to emotional intimacy in her life. Not with friends, not with family, not with anyone. What little emotionally she can have, she does anything to have.

Feel sorry for this broken shard of a human being. You can heal and move on. She most likely will never. She will remain in this torturous state for as long as she exists.


Everything you wrote just CONFIRMED what I needed to hear. She is trying her best to get back into my life as my partner and I REFUSE! I refuse because my eyes are now wide open! GOOD FOR YOU LONELY ONE for getting whatever CLOSURE you NEED. I like you wanted to speak to those that she was involved with too just to make sure that I wasn't crazy. The more I read, the more I learn that I am not crazy, she is BROKEN and will continue to be BROKEN PERIOD. I'm MOVING on even though it's hard. I have those days when I feel like I can and I have those days when she reaches out to me that I feel weak. Hang in there. I can only HOPE it GETS MUCH EASIER!

[problemsolver]

Problemsolver,

 I re read your post.

They can be so cruel. Telling you that you meant nothing.

Whenever you have doubts please re-read that. Screw her. Seriously. Mine did this too. When they replace they are a-holes. Everything is YOUR fault. You are left licking your wounds wondering if you really are an a-hole.

Guess what? You are not the a-hole.  Anyone who says those things to someone else... .while playing two people against each other... .

garbage.

We are NOT here to judge your actions. You did what YOU needed to do.

What are your plans now? Are you going NC?

PW

I'm taking alot of for what I did... .NC is the only option it can only get worse from this point. . She's moved up already with another guy according to her ex but the same script will be played... if he doesn't depart her life when she wants him out. . Still kinda crazy ... maybe I should of just moved on but I was curious... I'm probably going to have to talk to a counseler... There is so many girls in the world no idea how I let this one sell me a dream

[problemsolver]

Its perfectly understandable to worry about retribution. You have outed her and she wont like that. She may go overboard on a smear campaign. My advice is if it doesn't affect your well being then ignore it. If she calls the police with a trumped up charge or if she causes trouble with your work then you will have to do something. If its just painting you black to your friends then the way I see it is the ones that know you wont believe it and the ones that do believe it aren't really friends.

Is she likely to cause trouble with your work? If so fore warn your boss.  A simple "I just want to let you know Ive found out some things about my ex and she isn't happy I know. Im worried that she will try to cause trouble so I wanted to warn you". If they ask anything more then tell them as much as you feel comfortable with but try not to sound crazy with it.

Chances are it will just be friends. She seems to be keen on secrets so probably wont want it too public in case you openly out her to the world.

Do you think it's normal that I went to seek the information months later? I don't know why I couldn't just leave it alone... .my mother is kind of concerned... I don't talk about her to any friends or family. . I only come here to talk about it... .so im a little bit concerned that what I did has made people concerned about me... I just thought everything was my fault... and that i could "fix" it.

[enlighten me]

I don't think its abnormal. I have unanswered questions from my relationship with my ex wife and that was 4 years ago.

The problem is that we were in so deep that it has hurt us more than most people can understand. Yes it is concerning for your friends and family and that is understandable. To them its not rational.

[blissful_camper]

Its perfectly understandable to worry about retribution. You have outed her and she wont like that. She may go overboard on a smear campaign. My advice is if it doesn't affect your well being then ignore it. If she calls the police with a trumped up charge or if she causes trouble with your work then you will have to do something. If its just painting you black to your friends then the way I see it is the ones that know you wont believe it and the ones that do believe it aren't really friends.

Is she likely to cause trouble with your work? If so fore warn your boss.  A simple "I just want to let you know Ive found out some things about my ex and she isn't happy I know. Im worried that she will try to cause trouble so I wanted to warn you". If they ask anything more then tell them as much as you feel comfortable with but try not to sound crazy with it.

Chances are it will just be friends. She seems to be keen on secrets so probably wont want it too public in case you openly out her to the world.

Do you think it's normal that I went to seek the information months later? I don't know why I couldn't just leave it alone... .my mother is kind of concerned... I don't talk about her to any friends or family. . I only come here to talk about it... .so im a little bit concerned that what I did has made people concerned about me... I just thought everything was my fault... and that i could "fix" it.

I think it's normal to want to make sense of what you experienced.  You must have felt a heavy load thinking that everything was your fault.  :)o you suppose that is one of the reasons that you couldn't leave it alone?  

In my opinion, what she said to you isn't the response of a healthy adult: "she said I didn't matter at all... her ex boyfriend actually cares about her... .im psychotic , go back to your state , grow up , don't start drama... get over yourself , move on with your life... .you were stalking me a few months ago... "

Try to step outside of that dialog for a moment.   What do you see?   (e.g. emotional immaturity,  emotionally abusive... .)  What do you envision for yourself moving forward?

[problemsolver]

Its perfectly understandable to worry about retribution. You have outed her and she wont like that. She may go overboard on a smear campaign. My advice is if it doesn't affect your well being then ignore it. If she calls the police with a trumped up charge or if she causes trouble with your work then you will have to do something. If its just painting you black to your friends then the way I see it is the ones that know you wont believe it and the ones that do believe it aren't really friends.

Is she likely to cause trouble with your work? If so fore warn your boss.  A simple "I just want to let you know Ive found out some things about my ex and she isn't happy I know. Im worried that she will try to cause trouble so I wanted to warn you". If they ask anything more then tell them as much as you feel comfortable with but try not to sound crazy with it.

Chances are it will just be friends. She seems to be keen on secrets so probably wont want it too public in case you openly out her to the world.

Do you think it's normal that I went to seek the information months later? I don't know why I couldn't just leave it alone... .my mother is kind of concerned... I don't talk about her to any friends or family. . I only come here to talk about it... .so im a little bit concerned that what I did has made people concerned about me... I just thought everything was my fault... and that i could "fix" it.

I think it's normal to want to make sense of what you experienced.  You must have felt a heavy load thinking that everything was your fault.  :)o you suppose that is one of the reasons that you couldn't leave it alone?  

In my opinion, what she said to you isn't the response of a healthy adult: "she said I didn't matter at all... her ex boyfriend actually cares about her... .im psychotic , go back to your state , grow up , don't start drama... get over yourself , move on with your life... .you were stalking me a few months ago... "

Try to step outside of that dialog for a moment.   What do you see?   (e.g. emotional immaturity,  emotionally abusive... .)  What do you envision for yourself moving forward?

I saw abuse... .definitely emotional immaturity. ... i was actually able to "find" her out so she can't pretend to be someone different ... i also see someone who was angry to be "found out"...

[blissful_camper]

Its perfectly understandable to worry about retribution. You have outed her and she wont like that. She may go overboard on a smear campaign. My advice is if it doesn't affect your well being then ignore it. If she calls the police with a trumped up charge or if she causes trouble with your work then you will have to do something. If its just painting you black to your friends then the way I see it is the ones that know you wont believe it and the ones that do believe it aren't really friends.

Is she likely to cause trouble with your work? If so fore warn your boss.  A simple "I just want to let you know Ive found out some things about my ex and she isn't happy I know. Im worried that she will try to cause trouble so I wanted to warn you". If they ask anything more then tell them as much as you feel comfortable with but try not to sound crazy with it.

Chances are it will just be friends. She seems to be keen on secrets so probably wont want it too public in case you openly out her to the world.

Do you think it's normal that I went to seek the information months later? I don't know why I couldn't just leave it alone... .my mother is kind of concerned... I don't talk about her to any friends or family. . I only come here to talk about it... .so im a little bit concerned that what I did has made people concerned about me... I just thought everything was my fault... and that i could "fix" it.

I think it's normal to want to make sense of what you experienced.  You must have felt a heavy load thinking that everything was your fault.  :)o you suppose that is one of the reasons that you couldn't leave it alone?  

In my opinion, what she said to you isn't the response of a healthy adult: "she said I didn't matter at all... her ex boyfriend actually cares about her... .im psychotic , go back to your state , grow up , don't start drama... get over yourself , move on with your life... .you were stalking me a few months ago... "

Try to step outside of that dialog for a moment.   What do you see?   (e.g. emotional immaturity,  emotionally abusive... .)  What do you envision for yourself moving forward?

I saw abuse... .definitely emotional immaturity. ... i was actually able to "find" her out so she can't pretend to be someone different ... i also see someone who was angry to be "found out"...

I can relate to that.  I felt that my ex was angry that I knew the truth.  He had little interest in understanding his own actions. 

Example:

Me: After I experienced your first rage, did you enter therapy with a licensed therapist and remain in therapy for six months?

Ex: nope 

​Me: Why did you feel the need to make that story up?

Ex: ?

Me: What I mean is why did you feel that you needed to tell me that you were entering therapy?

Ex: I've had a long week and day, i'm done answering your questions.

Other phraseology my ex used to avoid establishing peace between us shortly after the b/u:  "I'm not answering any of your silly questions, just let it go." "You are an annoying pain in the ass. Get on with your life."

Two years out when I re-read this, I hear an ill man.  While I feel sorry for him, I have no desire to re-engage with him.  Give yourself time to process your experiences.  I promise that life is much better if you give yourself the chance to heal.