Ending it Early - Need Positive Reinforcement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 months. It was my first relationship after a divorce, and he seemed perfect. He is a bit older 50 vs my 39), and seemed to be in a good place, at first. He had been single for 15 years, but he had explanations and it did seem like he had just been meeting the wrong kind of girl. He immediately decided I was "the one" and it was so beautiful. We had a lot of fun together, he introduced me to his adult daughters as @the last woman I'm going to date," and his parents embraced me as family. It couldn't have been an act, and clearly this wasn't something he had done with a string of women.

Over time, he started talking about his temper. From the stories, he seemed to have anger management issues, but, I thought it would be ok because he didn't seem mean. I saw him get angry at himself at about month 3 a few times, and he behaved inappropriately, like a tantrum, but, again no sign of meanness. There were signs he was insecure with me, and he would sometimes say things like I am "out of his league", but I tried to compliment him and assure him. We were talking about the future regularly and he was building a very good relationship with my kids.

At exactly month 4, we took a dream vacation together, and at the end of the 2nd day, which was an amazing day, we got back to the hotel after a great time drinking/dancing, and he exploded. He blew up at me over a political issue which we disagree about, and he'd known the difference since our second date. It was one of the worst hours of my life. He berated me using violent imagery and made me feel like he was breaking up with me right then, because he couldn't be with someone who had that view. The whole attack came from no where and felt like it was almost because everything was so perfect.

The next day, he apologized and I stated very clearly that it can't happen again. In particular, he can't threaten the relationship. I wanted to enjoy the rest of the trip, so I tried to forget about it and we did have fun the rest of the week. But, I was wary and I know I didn't look at him the same.

When we got back, we had our usual date night 3 days later. He made me dinner. It was nice and things seemed ok, though a bit more distance between us. The next day, he broke up with me by text message, saying he didn't know why. I think I was supposed to chase him, but I didn't. I let him know I was devistated, but understood he needed space and gave it to him. A week later, he reached out with a vague email, telling me he was sorry, had no answers, and that I am "completely wonderful".  I think I was supposed to invite a conversation where we would make up. Instead, I sent a formal, kind but firm, breakup email. That was a bit over a week ago. I've been looking for answers, and I am almost certain he is BPD or at least severe fearful-avoidant. (I don't want to provide all the details supporting, but he meets all the DSM criteria). I miss him very badly, but I know this relationship, if I reopen it, will go badly and potentially even be dangerous. I really don't know what he is capable of.

But, it's hard. Our relationship was wonderful, until the moment it wasn't. 99 percent of my memories of him are good. My kids miss him. So, if anyone can share similar stories with "I wish I got out then" messages, I would be very grateful. Thank you.

[Ab123]

I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 months. It was my first relationship after a divorce, and he seemed perfect. He is a bit older 50 vs my 39), and seemed to be in a good place, at first. He had been single for 15 years, but he had explanations and it did seem like he had just been meeting the wrong kind of girl. He immediately decided I was "the one" and it was so beautiful. We had a lot of fun together, he introduced me to his adult daughters as @the last woman I'm going to date," and his parents embraced me as family. It couldn't have been an act, and clearly this wasn't something he had done with a string of women.

Over time, he started talking about his temper. From the stories, he seemed to have anger management issues, but, I thought it would be ok because he didn't seem mean. I saw him get angry at himself at about month 3 a few times, and he behaved inappropriately, like a tantrum, but, again no sign of meanness. There were signs he was insecure with me, and he would sometimes say things like I am "out of his league", but I tried to compliment him and assure him. We were talking about the future regularly and he was building a very good relationship with my kids.

At exactly month 4, we took a dream vacation together, and at the end of the 2nd day, which was an amazing day, we got back to the hotel after a great time drinking/dancing, and he exploded. He blew up at me over a political issue which we disagree about, and he'd known the difference since our second date. It was one of the worst hours of my life. He berated me using violent imagery and made me feel like he was breaking up with me right then, because he couldn't be with someone who had that view. The whole attack came from no where and felt like it was almost because everything was so perfect.

The next day, he apologized and I stated very clearly that it can't happen again. In particular, he can't threaten the relationship. I wanted to enjoy the rest of the trip, so I tried to forget about it and we did have fun the rest of the week. But, I was wary and I know I didn't look at him the same.

When we got back, we had our usual date night 3 days later. He made me dinner. It was nice and things seemed ok, though a bit more distance between us. The next day, he broke up with me by text message, saying he didn't know why. I think I was supposed to chase him, but I didn't. I let him know I was devistated, but understood he needed space and gave it to him. A week later, he reached out with a vague email, telling me he was sorry, had no answers, and that I am "completely wonderful".  I think I was supposed to invite a conversation where we would make up. Instead, I sent a formal, kind but firm, breakup email. That was a bit over a week ago. I've been looking for answers, and I am almost certain he is BPD or at least severe fearful-avoidant. (I don't want to provide all the details supporting, but he meets all the DSM criteria). I miss him very badly, but I know this relationship, if I reopen it, will go badly and potentially even be dangerous. I really don't know what he is capable of.

But, it's hard. Our relationship was wonderful, until the moment it wasn't. 99 percent of my memories of him are good. My kids miss him. So, if anyone can share similar stories with "I wish I got out then" messages, I would be very grateful. Thank you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ab123, If your xBF has BPD, then you dodged a bullet.  Like yours, my BPDxW had a temper from the get-go in our r/s.  I had never heard of BPD at the time and had no idea that it was a big red flag.     I didn't realize that an adult with anger management issues is an indication of deeper problems, such as BPD.  I thought her temper would pass once we married; not so.  In fact, it got much worse.  I know it doesn't feel like it for you right now, but at some point you may be grateful that you got out at an early stage.

LuckyJim

[Herodias]

You should be really proud of yourself for seeing the red flag and ending it immediately! Most of us wished we had done that! Good for you! Move on and don't look back- at least you are out before you invest anymore time or emotion on it... .Be careful now to go gray rock and/or no contact if he comes around again and he may.

[caughtnreleased]

The temper explosion sounds very scary so congratulations on seeing the red flag and acting on it, rather than pretending that it won't come up again.  This sounds like he has serious anger issues that he is not at all in control of, to the point where things can get scary.  The closer you get the worse these things are.  I also got out very quickly from my relationship with my BPDex, and it was really difficult for me because I kept thinking that if I had stayed it would have worked, but in retrospect I saw the nature of the relationship he had with the replacement, and I can say that instead of spending my energy on a relationship that likely would have drained me completely, I spent my energy on other things and built myself up.  I look back at the past three years and I can honestly say that if I had spent them in a relationship with him, I would probably close to suicidal, and we would hate each other.  Instead, I don't hate him, I have no ill will towards him, he has given me the space to move on (not that I think that's what he's consciously done, he consciously dropped me like a hot potato - probably like your guy hoping that I would run after him- but hey... .look at the bright side right?) , and I've made tremendous progress.  I think the biggest lesson out of this for me is that I have limited energy and time and that I need to invest it in things on which I will get something back.  So, it looks to me like this guy has given you the opportunity to leave, and you are being smart and jumping at this great opportunity! It,s much easier than having to break up with him... .trust me! Sometimes, things DO work out for us! Just my word of advice: stick with it! Because he may come running back, and that's just an even bigger red flag! Good luck!

[hurting300]

Well, you certainly can have a bad temper about politics, doesn't mean you have BPD. With that said, four months is short time in my opinion too know for sure. You mentioned you're 39 and he is 50? Sometimes older gentlemen are set in there ways and that is over a decade age difference, so I think cultural differences apply here. You shouldn't never let someone blow up at you like that. I think you did the right thing when you told him what you were thinking and you were very mature and adult about it.

[Ab123]

So, he reached out today by email and then text, asking how I am and saying he misses me. I crave answers so badly, I responded, but I said I didn't want to see him because he hurt me too badly. I asked why he broke up with me, he seriously said "I'm not sure I did."  Wtf?  What does that mean?  So, I asked what happened, and he said he was stressed, and that a financial issue would be better soon. Wtf?  He did apologize several times, and repeated that I didn't do anything wrong. It's all consistent with my theory that it was an insecure attempt to get me to chase and reassure him. But it's just so mind boggling.

I think he is giving up on me chasing him, so he's starting to chase.  I'm torn between just going NC and communicating in the hope that additional information helps me move forward with less angst/confusion. He isn't diagnosed borderline, though he meets the dsm criteria. I would feel better if I were more sure... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ab123, Suggest you tread carefully here.  He may use some form of manipulation (F-O-G) in order to draw you back in.  Seems like a potential recycle on the horizon, so make sure your boundaries are firm.  LJ

[adventurer]

I'm torn between just going NC and communicating in the hope that additional information helps me move forward with less angst/confusion. He isn't diagnosed borderline, though he meets the dsm criteria. I would feel better if I were more sure... .

This sounds like a very tough situation and I can see why you find it so hard to know what to do. In my opinion, I wouldn't focus on a specific diagnosis or lack thereof, I would just focus on the behaviors and how you are treated and try to base your decisions from that. Making this number up but maybe half the people on this board are dealing with someone they suspect of having a disorder but no official diagnosis.

You are clearly sensing some red flags in your gut instinct so just tread slowly and carefully.

[caughtnreleased]

I think that the best thing you can do is listen to what your gut is saying, and maybe even telling him and seeing how he reacts.  It sounds like you are doubting your instincts.  Have you in the past tended to judge people too quickly about things?  Do you tend to get quickly spooked when you are dating?  If not, then it sounds like his behavior is provoking these red flags in you, and not you who are raising these red flags for nothing.  If you are still not sure, then you should be able to discuss this with him openly and tell him (probably preferably via text, and not in person) that you are feeling very confused by his actions.  How does he respond to that?  Does he accept what you say? Or does he become defensive.  Remember, sorry does not mean he won't do it again... .and finding feeble excuses for bad behavior is another red flag of someone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions.  I think you might also need a better understanding of what it is you need to be more sure about.

[Ab123]

So, I raised my concerns by text and his responses were consistent with a total lack of self awareness, and weakly externalized responsibility.  I didn't say anything judgmental about his responses, but I stopped engaging. His last text said some nice things, to start a conversation, and he also asked if I had my kids this weekend. I responded with a single word "yes" re the kids. He won't do anything dramatic with them around (I hope) and he knows it gives me an easy excuse to continue to push back on seeing him in person, so hopefully he'll just go away. I do have a better sense of closure. Whatever is going on with him, he clearly is unstable and unable to be a good partner in a relationship.

I need to move on, and start dating someone new myself. This breakup threw me because it was so sudden and so confusing. Everything was so great until it suddenly wasn't. But, I need to keep this in context. I was with him for just 4 months. It's been 3 weeks. It's time. I'm attractive enough (for my age) that it really isn't hard to find quality guys to go out with. I should be open to finding someone sane, and that will make it easier to avoid a recycle too.

[Ab123]

Um, yeah, so he escalated and actually asked point blank if I wanted to see him today. I told him no, and said clearly that I don't think our relationship is fixable, because I tend to be insecure/anxious already and he has already initiated a break up (or let me think he was). I won't ever trust again when he talks about the future. (Trying to be nice, offering him a BPD diagnosis wouldn't be helpful/kind).  And I volunteered that I didn't want to be friends or just date, because my feelings are too strong (in case he was thinking tha direction). He said he understood.  But, still not official "goodbye" from him.

I'm really hoping he just goes away now. My greatest fear is that he escalates into a declaration of undying love / grand gesture that I would have a heck of a time walking away from. (I have a history of not breaking up with guys when I should. I've had a handful of very long term relationships, most of which I have stayed in for a long time after becoming unhappy.  I wouldn't have ended it with the BPDex if he didn't at least make the first vague move toward a breakup.)

To help protect myself, I have accepted a date with someone else  who seems really great for tomorrow night. All these BPD women I've been reading about on these boards  with their "replacements" may be onto something. New attention does dull the pain/withdrawal. Rebounding may not be ideal, but it seems better than backsliding. And, I am generally emotionally available for something new, so I don't think it is unfair to the new guy. And I could see myself potentially happy in a relationship with new guy, given time for it to develop of course. When I was much younger I had a couple "rebounds" turn into LTRs. Having a better possibility will make it easier to reject further advances from the ex, and I am not a cheater, so once I'm officially in a new relationship, I won't even hesitate to cut all ties.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi it sounds to me like you have overcome whatever doubts you had (probably inner doubts about your own ability to make the right decision!) so that sounds really positive, and that the interactions you've had with him have since confirmed your instincts about him.  If you think that moving on will help you then I say go for it and you don't need to feel guilty about it.  To me moving on is not really about timing, because someone who has been in a 9year relationship can be in a situation where he/she knows himself/herself, and realizes that the 9 year relationship is not the right fit, and in a very non dramatic, and non vindictive way, end that relationship and move on quickly but in a way that is respectful of the person that they spent 9 years with, just like someone who in a very dramatic fashion will end a 6 month relationship, and will give the appearance of moving on, and give the impression that they are "replacing" their other partner, but rather does so to avoid accountability, eventually that pain will return and the lose ends that they didn't tie up will come back to haunt them.  So for me I don't think moving on is a numbers game, rather a matter of it being the right thing for you.  You sound like you are getting a good idea of what it is that you want, so good luck!