I am back and things are as bad as ever

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

well... many have seen me around here.  My wife went into inpatient this past June and they released her after 5 days early and she was great.  Gradually though, she stopped going to day therapy and started sleeping more day after day.

Then past month days of blaming me for everything crept up and saying I do not care about her.  Attacking me verbally and ultimately kicking me out of the house again.

Well she demanded I quit my job again Saturday.  When I said "no" because I am the only income she was horribly mean.  This persisted throughout next two days.  Cutting me down every chance and telling me to stay away and she doesnt love me and she wishes she never met me.  Then today... today she told me to move out.  She then has called me over 70 times today and texted even more.  She has called me a murderer because she had an abortion which in retrospect we certainly both regret (at the time, she was physically abusive and it looked like we would divorce).  She called me all sorts of names and brought up every other mistake I have made over past 10 years.  Telling me how I ruined her life and saying some really nasty things that I cannot even repeat they are so vulgar and vile.  The things she said about my family also were just horrific.  Let me say they were way worse than when she said "I could honestly careless if you died". 

finally I asked her to stop contacting me and if she wanted this then she could contact me througha  lawyer I will get tommorow.

She would not stop.  I finally sent a cease and desist text for harrassment and she would not stop.  I then told her that I would not be the first person who call police when she would not stop harrassing them, and she needs to realize she crossed a line.  This was in reference to her best friend who 9 months ago did same thing to her over her contacting.  I do not know particulars, but then wife went crazy.  She is completely out of mind at this point.  She has completely failed to see how she kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I finally said something back, and that the things ranging from destruction of my personal property, to threatening to never let me see kids again, to turn evidence against misguided family members so they end up in jail (over marijuana), to calling me a murderer/a mistake/a cheater (10 years ago when we were separated I went on a date with a girl... she slept with a guy multiple times even when we were back together)/a monster who ruined and destroyed her kids and her lives... .

Its like the buttons being pressed make me want to die.  I do not want to be what she says.  Maybe I am.  No doubt she is miserable.

I feel completely out of touch with reality at this moment.  I suppose I am going to get a divorce.  I am going to lose everything.  I gave everything I could to our family and kept nothing for myself while she kept taking and taking.  Now what we have as a family I am going to lose too.  I suppose I can build things back up, but she will wither.  She will have nothinga nd nboody...   I feel horrible about her...

I fear for kids.  I just rather dream of being hacked to peices than this...

[hurthusband]

well... many have seen me around here.  My wife went into inpatient this past June and they released her after 5 days early and she was great.  Gradually though, she stopped going to day therapy and started sleeping more day after day.

Then past month days of blaming me for everything crept up and saying I do not care about her.  Attacking me verbally and ultimately kicking me out of the house again.

Well she demanded I quit my job again Saturday.  When I said "no" because I am the only income she was horribly mean.  This persisted throughout next two days.  Cutting me down every chance and telling me to stay away and she doesnt love me and she wishes she never met me.  Then today... today she told me to move out.  She then has called me over 70 times today and texted even more.  She has called me a murderer because she had an abortion which in retrospect we certainly both regret (at the time, she was physically abusive and it looked like we would divorce).  She called me all sorts of names and brought up every other mistake I have made over past 10 years.  Telling me how I ruined her life and saying some really nasty things that I cannot even repeat they are so vulgar and vile.  The things she said about my family also were just horrific.  Let me say they were way worse than when she said "I could honestly careless if you died". 

finally I asked her to stop contacting me and if she wanted this then she could contact me througha  lawyer I will get tommorow.

She would not stop.  I finally sent a cease and desist text for harrassment and she would not stop.  I then told her that I would not be the first person who call police when she would not stop harrassing them, and she needs to realize she crossed a line.  This was in reference to her best friend who 9 months ago did same thing to her over her contacting.  I do not know particulars, but then wife went crazy.  She is completely out of mind at this point.  She has completely failed to see how she kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I finally said something back, and that the things ranging from destruction of my personal property, to threatening to never let me see kids again, to turn evidence against misguided family members so they end up in jail (over marijuana), to calling me a murderer/a mistake/a cheater (10 years ago when we were separated I went on a date with a girl... she slept with a guy multiple times even when we were back together)/a monster who ruined and destroyed her kids and her lives... .

Its like the buttons being pressed make me want to die.  I do not want to be what she says.  Maybe I am.  No doubt she is miserable.

I feel completely out of touch with reality at this moment.  I suppose I am going to get a divorce.  I am going to lose everything.  I gave everything I could to our family and kept nothing for myself while she kept taking and taking.  Now what we have as a family I am going to lose too.  I suppose I can build things back up, but she will wither.  She will have nothinga nd nboody...   I feel horrible about her...

I fear for kids.  I just rather dream of being hacked to peices than this...

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sir, thank you.  Sharing your experience has soared me from going back to my ex that I thought marriage would be a good idea.  It would most likely end just as bad.  I wish I could return the favor some how.  Please keep reading and coming back to this site.

[OnceConfused]

HurtHusband:

Glad you are back for some support from all of us here. I feel for you, my friend. Family should be a place where we find comfort and peace, not belittlement and threat.

You just have to be strong, my friend. Be your own man, so to speak. You have to believe in you, believe in who you are, believe in your own success. Don't let her and her vicious words define you.

Like I wrote on many of your posts, you have to get to your RED LINE, be angry for what are said about you or being done to you by her. Not until then, you will say " Let's F* this sh*t". Once you cross that RED LINE, you will find the strength of a warrior. You won't care what she says or does anymore. You are done and finally you are FREE.

Trust me, you came from nothing and have gotten to where you are, so going back to ground zero again, thought hard, but not impossible to start again. Don't be afraid of that. You know what you can do.

At this point, don't really feel sorry for her. She is where today because of all the things she has done, not because of what you have done. She must be responsible for her own actions, as we all are.

[hurthusband]

yea she called me from the kids phone to get mad at me cause I wouldnt answer her calls.  My son texted apologizing which broke my heart.  When she called again, I let her know that reason I Was crying is because the poor boy felt like he needed to be apologized for being brought into all of this.  She then got mad at him for talking to me... I was furious and told her I was coming home that she cannot abuse him for what he felt was wrong because he felt bad for doing nothing.

I told her she was isolating him like she felt she was and it was abuse.  She now wants to just disappear and feels horrible on top of hating me.  I just dont know

[Silveron]

Sounds like we are married to the same woman.  She will do hurtful and say awful, degrading things and then as a small amount of time passes, then plays the 'Whoa is me, I should just leave and die and you would all be happier without me'.  It's a constant cycle.  The only thing you can do is tell her that you will no longer talk to her until she stop her behavior and enforce it.  Take control of your house again.

All they do is take and they don't feel appreciative of it.  They don't feel bad that we (as providers) are struggling ourselves.  They care about the here and now.  That is all that matters to them.  We are there to be used.  I don't believe BPDs can love the same as a non-BPD.  I don't even know if they know what love truly consists of. 

I do know how you feel and I also know the more upset you show to her the more ammo it gives her to continue.  That's why you should go NC.  Keep letting the kids know that this is not their fault and that mom needs help.

[HappyNihilist]

hurthusband, I'm so sorry to hear that things are still bad with your situation.   You've been through a lot.

It's important to realize that her well-being is not your responsibility. Only she can help herself. If she has nothing and nobody, then that is her own doing. It has nothing to do with you.

I know it hurts to think of a loved one hitting rock bottom. But it is no help to them (and especially not to us) if we are dragged down with them.

Its like the buttons being pressed make me want to die.  I do not want to be what she says.  Maybe I am.  No doubt she is miserable.

I feel completely out of touch with reality at this moment.  I suppose I am going to get a divorce.  I am going to lose everything.  I gave everything I could to our family and kept nothing for myself while she kept taking and taking.  Now what we have as a family I am going to lose too.  I suppose I can build things back up, but she will wither.  She will have nothinga nd nboody...   I feel horrible about her...

I fear for kids.  I just rather dream of being hacked to peices than this...

You're in a painful and confusing situation.   It's understandable that you would feel overwhelmed right now.

Have you thought about calling a local crisis hotline to talk? It's anonymous, and staff there have a lot of resources and information, and provide a supportive, empathetic ear. It helps to talk to someone, even if it's just to vent or cry.

Take care of yourself, hurthusband. You are important. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Are you able to just ignore her when she has one of her rages? I know I struggle with this too. It's hard not to respond, because if at first they don't get a reaction, they keep trying, until they say something so outrageous or hurtful, that we then get triggered. When we are reactive to them though, that is exactly what they want. I'm working on being way less reactive to BPDh, so I know how hard that can be. Sometimes we just want to defend, because they say such outrageous things. I try to keep in mind that saying something won't change his mind anyway, and really, I don't need to defend myself against his false interpretation of me.

I'm sorry she dragged your son into this. That has to be hurtful to both your son, and you. Therapy has been really helpful to me in dealing with all this. It might help you too, even if it's just to deescalate things while you come up with a plan.

Hang in there. 

[13YearGoodbye]

I am going to lose everything. 

In my case, I think it was a price well worth paying. Wish that I would have been willing to pay it much sooner than I did.

[JohnLove]

Interesting perspective... .

But when you are in a relationship like this, you can lose yourself.

Isn't that really "everything"?

[sweetheart]

Welcome back hurthusband,

I'm really pleased you have posted again for support, people on hear can hear you and understand how hard this is. Particularly after a period of relative stability.

Remember this pattern of dysregulated behaviour from your wife is known to you, like a kind of muscle memory when we return to exercise. So with that in mind what really helped last time, what strategies can you introduce quicker this time before it overwhelms you again?

I too want to echo silveron in reiterating it is important for the welfare of your children that you try and stay at home. Unless of course the situation is unsafe for you, maybe if you do not leave you can involve mental health services to intervene sooner this time.