Ever feel like we can't talk about our grief with others?

[hopealways]

I really appreciate this forum for many reasons. One reason is that as much as I would love talking to friends about what I am going through, they just don't understand the BPD relationship dynamic or aftermath.  These are not normal breakups y'all! And they don't get why it takes so long for us to move on or why we are hit with bouts of depression or why we miss them so much despite all the BS we put up with.

My friends tell me things like "she's not worth it" or "there are better girls out there" or "you're wasting your time". I know, I get it and I appreciate their feedback. Trust me, looking back before I knew what BPD was I think I said the same things to friends of mine who were in unknown BPD relationships.  But now I know what BPD is and hearing these things doesn't help at all and makes me not want to talk to anyone but this forum about my woes.  And while grateful, it also makes me feel super alone during this healing process.

Anyone else feel the same?

[problemsolver]

I really appreciate this forum for many reasons. One reason is that as much as I would love talking to friends about what I am going through, they just don't understand the BPD relationship dynamic or aftermath.  These are not normal breakups y'all! And they don't get why it takes so long for us to move on or why we are hit with bouts of depression or why we miss them so much despite all the BS we put up with.

My friends tell me things like "she's not worth it" or "there are better girls out there" or "you're wasting your time". I know, I get it and I appreciate their feedback. Trust me, looking back before I knew what BPD was I think I said the same things to friends of mine who were in unknown BPD relationships.  But now I know what BPD is and hearing these things doesn't help at all and makes me not want to talk to anyone but this forum about my woes.  And while grateful, it also makes me feel super alone during this healing process.

Anyone else feel the same?

It's gotten to a point where my friends don't listen to me... "get over her" "move on" ... I feel you

[Darsha500]

Seriously,

Its like, Don't you think I would "Just get over her" if I could? If only it were that simple! After my friend told me about my ex being in a new relationship and him seeing my extreme reaction, I had to tell him ":)ude, you have no idea what its like." He readily admitted that he didn't. But yah, no one gets it. I certainly would not be able to get it were i not in such an extreme situation. But now, NOW, i can understand what people who are experiencing heartbreak are going through. I can appreciate every subtle gradation of the process. For that I am grateful, considering I want to be a psychotherapist and will likely encounter many recovering from heartbreak.

If we can survive through the fall out of these relationships... .Yah, that takes strength. I takes strength to carry on.

[valet]

I've felt the same before. A lot of my friends didn't get it. I've had to come up with some stock sayings, because those just seemed simplest for people. Usually along the lines of, 'the relationship became too complicated; both my and my ex were very stressed'.

That said, I do happen to have a couple of very good friends that are aware of these kinds of relationship dynamics. I found a lot of comfort with them. When I got less shy about things ending with my pwBPD and really said what I had been thinking I started to feel a lot less alone.

These boards are good for that. Everyone here more or less gets it. If you still need validation from someone in person I would definitely recommend seeing a T. Your friends are telling you what they think you need to hear, but they do not fully understand how difficult the disengagement process is. A trained professional can definitely offer you that!

[13YearGoodbye]

The worst are the friends and relatives that say, "You just didn't try hard enough." Or the comment that's perhaps even worse, "We won't judge you if you go back to her." Bwah. Ha. Ha!

[hurting300]

My friends just don't understand. They say "Well that's just a woman " no it's much deeper than that. My ex is like a ghost or navy seal with her actions and things she can do. It's nearly impossible to explain it. It's almost like a dream.

[imstronghere2]

My friends tell me things like "she's not worth it" or "there are better girls out there" or "you're wasting your time". I know, I get it and I appreciate their feedback. Trust me, looking back before I knew what BPD was I think I said the same things to friends of mine who were in unknown BPD relationships.  But now I know what BPD is and hearing these things doesn't help at all and makes me not want to talk to anyone but this forum about my woes.  And while grateful, it also makes me feel super alone during this healing process.

Anyone else feel the same?

Uhhh, yup.  Most likely all of us feel that way.  You can't really blame your friends or relatives that don't "get it".  They have no frame of reference for what we've dealt with.  All they know about psychopaths is what they see on TV.  They don't realize that the vast majority of these wackos don't DO those hideous things but their level of destruction is still the same.  I'm over 4 years out of a 22.5  year realtionship (19.5 married) with a BPD for a wife and I was raised by (mother) the queen/witch version of one.  I'm 54 and don't foresee ever having another relationship.  Just don't have it in me at this point.  Too much damage has been done and I've never developed the skills to adapt to what would be a normal, healthy relationship.  There are much worse things than being alone and we've lived through them.  No thank you.  Not going to do that ever again.

No, the vast majority of people won't understand this.  If those that say they do understand because THEY'VE been through a divorce, yet they're still on good terms with their ex and interact with them, they're lying.  They don't get it.  Just because you've been through a divorce doesn't mean you understand what we've dealt with.  We didn't get divorced because we "just didn't get along" or "we've grown apart" or some such other crap.  We got divorced because we HAD to, just to survive.

[balletomane]

I accidentally posted this in the wrong thread.   I'm scatty today. To repeat:

At first my friends were really supportive, but after a few months their patience wore out. Only one of them understands that I have PTSD from this relationship; I'd feel like a drama queen if I told the others that. They don't know the relationship was abusive, they just think it was a bad breakup. I have wondered about telling more people about the abuse, but it seems like such an overblown word - he didn't rape me, he didn't hit me or threaten me physically, he just had a line in very cruel words and emotional manipulation, like telling me I was making him cut himself or threatening to commit suicide and then giving me the silent treatment so I worried he'd done it. Perpetual anxiety. Always the fear I'd done something wrong without knowing what. The pathetic happiness when he was kind, like a puppy that got a treat. I can't tell my friends the full story because it feels humiliating and I still don't know if they'd get it. It might also be more painful to talk about than not.

The hardest thing for me to hear was, "Give it time" and other would-be comforting words along that theme. Time is helpful but time alone isn't going to solve this problem, not when I have flashbacks brought on by the sight of a certain building in a photo or hearing a certain combination of ordinary everyday words. That relationship got into me like blood poisoning and I don't think people who haven't experienced it can always grasp what that means for you long-term.

[Lifewriter16]

I wonder whether it the reactions of well meaning friends that contributes to people who are in abusive (incl BPD) relationships becoming increasingly isolated not only attempts on the part of the partner to restrict contact with friends and family. I have become more and more embarrassed that I have continued in my relationship with my BPDxbf and gradually stopped talking to people. I anticipate judgement. The less I feel able to talk to people about the situation, the less I want to speak to my friends. It is only the friends who are accepting of my need to continue and my inability to let go, that I tend to be honest with. I feel massive shame for allowing someone else to treat me as he has done. Shouldn't I have protected myself? What does it say about me that I accept this abuse? I can't face people.

Lifewriter

x

[SGraham]

Yeah i get it. I know my friends and relatives want to help but i know that there is really no way for them to get it. A lot of people hit me with "well when my ex gf broke up with me... ." Its like yeah any b/u is hard but you dont have the added confusion of mental illness.

[hopealways]

Uhhh, yup.  Most likely all of us feel that way.  You can't really blame your friends or relatives that don't "get it".  They have no frame of reference for what we've dealt with.  All they know about psychopaths is what they see on TV.  They don't realize that the vast majority of these wackos don't DO those hideous things but their level of destruction is still the same.  I'm over 4 years out of a 22.5  year realtionship (19.5 married) with a BPD for a wife and I was raised by (mother) the queen/witch version of one.  I'm 54 and don't foresee ever having another relationship.  Just don't have it in me at this point.  Too much damage has been done and I've never developed the skills to adapt to what would be a normal, healthy relationship.  There are much worse things than being alone and we've lived through them.  No thank you.  Not going to do that ever again.

No, the vast majority of people won't understand this.  If those that say they do understand because THEY'VE been through a divorce, yet they're still on good terms with their ex and interact with them, they're lying.  They don't get it.  Just because you've been through a divorce doesn't mean you understand what we've dealt with.  We didn't get divorced because we "just didn't get along" or "we've grown apart" or some such other crap.  We got divorced because we HAD to, just to survive.

EXACTLY! These relationships have nothing to do with "not getting along" or not being the "right match" or my favorite yet "bad timing". These are individuals with a beautiful cover and a very very damaged inside. They can't get along with anyone who gets close. I will never forget before I ever knew what BPD was my ex lay in bed next to me and said "are you sure you want to be with a girl as damaged as me?" I didn't think twice about it.