BPD or Explosive Rage Syndrome?

[blabbermouth]

I see my brother infrequently, and so do my sisters. One sister is afraid of him. He was over a while ago after a hike we took. After some chitchat and a few beers, I started talking about our childhood, how we were poor, how it wasn't so great. My wife and kids were around but not really listening. He made a few jokes about my "negativity" before saying good bye (he was pleasant and well-behaved) and then I drove him home. Almost as soon as we got in the car, he was screaming at me, pointing his finger in my face, going on about "the vicious lies" I told in front of everyone, telling me I needed "serious help". I thought he was going to attack me physically. He acted like a madman, a complete lunatic, so I made the decision to tell him whatever he wanted to hear to get him out of the car. This was very distasteful to me, but I told him that I realized that what I said was all lies; that he was right: I DO need serious professional help. That nothing of what I said ever even happened, and that there was something seriously wrong with me. We were at his house at this point, and as soon as I said all this, he switched back: the anger was gone in a flash. He attempted to shake my hand as if we had just had a pleasant evening all around. I was completely traumatized and spent the next hour or more just driving around and around. Is this BPD or something else? I should mention our father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive and threatening.

[Auslaunder]

Hi Blabbermouth,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My father has BPD and it can be very frightening when he rages. He would even threaten me with murder as a child so I have lied to appease him many times. It would feel like my spirit was being crushed. Your safety is most important so if you feel threatened by him just try your best to get out the situation. Remember that the person you are dealing with is mentally disturbed. They can't be convinced of the truth due to a false self. I haven't heard of Explosive Rage Syndrome but I know that several mental disorders can cause these rages. Any of the Cluster B personality disorders, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, PTSD. It might take some time to search for answers of what is causing him to lash out this way. There is a forum here that discusses the differences between personality disorders that might be helpful.

[Kwamina]

Hi blabbermouth

I am very sorry you had this scary experience with your own brother. I agree with Auslaunder that your safety is most important here.

Your brother's behavior was totally out of line and abusive. Was this the first time that your brother went into such a rage or has it happened before?

To help keep you safe it probably will be necessary to set and enforce/defend firm boundaries with your brother. Do you feel like that is something you would be comfortable with?

You see your brother infrequently, is that because you are worried about his raging behavior?. A part from the incident you described, how would you classify your general relationship with your brother?

Take care and welcome to our online community

[blabbermouth]

Thank you Auslaunder and Kwamina. It's possible that it could be PTSD as he's been in the reserves in Iraq and Afghanistan, but not in front line combat so I wouldn't know from what.

    There have been hints of this before, but it's the first time it happened to me. It felt like an ambush. It happened to my sister I found out later, which is why she's afraid of him: she says she has to minimize her time with him. I hadn't spent any significant time with him for years: he lived on the west coast and I live on the east coast.

     My relationship with him has been close to non-existant since the incident. Incidentally he chose to follow up with it with a nasty letter one week later (there had been no contact from me), where he mocked me and my "opinions", called me a crybaby, an ungrateful whiner, said I had "less integrity in my entire body" than his 5 year old daughter had in her discarded fingernail clipping; basically continued the previous theme in his outburst that I was a piece of sh--. I could barely function for weeks without bursting into tears at any moment. He completely twisted things I said to him on our hike into things I never meant at all, and accused me of saying this and that which was shocking to me: if he had a problem with it or was offended at anything, there was nothing said to me at the time

    I've told other relatives that I want to know beforehand if he's going to be there. I only see him on holidays and family gatherings, but I refuse to be alone with him. I try to pretend I don't even know him (which is really how I feel now) and have never seen him before. I feel sorry for his kids. I am afraid of his raging behavior, which is why there's absolutely nothing to talk about with him anymore except the weather. We all walked on eggshells as kids, and now the cycle repeats with him.

[Naughty Nibbler]

BLABBERMOUTH:

So sorry for what you are going through with your brother.  My sister goes into fits of rage.  She will rush towards you and gets really close.  She looks like she is about to get physical. 

My sister, also, says things she won't admit to and then argues about what you did or didn't say.  I was driven to seek therapy, which brought to light that my sister likely has BPD. It helps to understand that it's not you, but the BPD relative that has the problem.  The reality is that unless they recognize they have a problem and seek help, there is no hope that they will change. 

I'm in a period of limited contact with my sister.  Our parents recently both passes and we still have to handle trust business.  We are co-trustees and we both have to sign all paperwork.  it's been hell.

It is wise to not have any solo contact with your brother.  It is an emotional thing to go through. I'm requiring a witness for any face-to-face meetings with my sister for trust business. I've purchased a small tape recorder and will record all conversations.  Once the trust business concludes, I will go no contact.  Better to make new friends who can treat you well, than to hold onto relatives who abuse you.  I just lost both parents and now I've lost my only sibling. I cry about it, but it is a relationship that I can't sustain.

If you aren't in therapy, you might consider some counseling. It can be helpful. I think grieving the loss of a BPD relative can be worse than an actual death.

[blabbermouth]

Naughty Nibbler:

I think you hit it on the head. The reason I was so upset for so long wasn't just the incident and the aftermath. It was the realization that I was never going to have a normal brother/brother relationship with him. That hope was totally extinguished. That we'd never be close, and that probably we'd never even be friendly. I'm sorry about you and your sister. In these replies, I see that other have it worse. I told myself and my wife that I never wanted to see him again, but I relented when it became less raw, basically for the others in the family, including his kids, and our parents. It's grief for a relationship when the person didn't die- someone who will always be around to remind you of it. What doesn't seem fair is that HE doesn't seem affected by any of this.

[mari28]

I've gone through very similar episodes with my own undiagnosed BPD sister, particularly the abrupt bounce back to normalcy and expectation that I can do the same, after being told the most awful things anyone could hear.

I know that with mentally ill family members, we are supposed to remember they are mentally ill and thus not take what they say seriously, but many of these people are very smart and know us very well, and know exactly what to say to cut to the core. I wonder if there are any techniques to face that. Unfortunately, my family doesn't really have the cutting off contact option, as my sister is unemployed and dependent on us. Wondering if anyone has any insight on coping mechanisms for these scenarios.

[Naughty Nibbler]

BLABBERMOUTH:

It is perplexing that's the uBPd's in our lives seem to go on as if nothing happened. I've been fooled into thinking that the bad behavior won't happen again - but it did and will again if we offer an opportunity. Anything that can be twisted against us will be. 

The most perplexing to me is the way they can appear as perfect angels to some people in their lives.  In my sister's case it is her church friends.  She has them convinced that I'm the crazy one, but they don't see the special behavior she reserves for close family.

MARI28:

This website has a lot of recommended reading and helpful info on the site. 

My therapist recommended I read the Walking on Egg Shell book And I did.  I was interested in finding ways to deal with my sister.  I finally gave up and came to the conclusion that with matters such as being co-trustees of my parent's trust, nothing would work.  The nasty behavior would continue if we had to work together on anything. 

If we didn't have to work together and reach agreement on anything, then some techniques might have worked.  Seeing the BPD at a family gathering and having neutral conversations is something that could be possible for some people. I just don't see that happening with my sister. 

[blabbermouth]

Naughty Nibbler: I've asked my mom and sister that question. How is he even functioning in the world if he behaves even remotely like this? They both said that type of behavior is reserved exclusively for family members- they agreed with your insight. My brother has acted just as friendly to me the few times I've seen him since (with lots of family around) as before: like nothing even happened. They both seemed to think he probably doesn't even remember it. The only thing he said to our sister later is that he wondered how long I was going to give him "the cold shoulder".

Mari28: That's it exactly: the ABRUPT end of the rage was shocking to me and still baffles me. He went from a raging lunatic to quiet and normal and thanking me for the "outing" in just seconds. Once he was satisfied that I realized that he was right: that I WAS a piece of sh-- and I basically thanked him for pointing that out to me- it was over. He even extended his hand for a shake, but his anger came back when I recoiled from him and he called me a "pussy" (It was anger, not rage, yet still I had to remember that I hadn't gotten him out of the car yet, so I gritted my teeth and shook his hand.) Then he left. It was almost like some sort of orgasmic release for him- once he had fully put me in my place he had (at least outwardly) some inner peace or calm.

      He does seem to know what really upsets me. He completely denied and dismissed my reality of my (and his) childhood. Instead of expressing any empathy, he showered me with scorn and mockery. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him. I've had thoughts of beating the crap out of him at some future family gathering if it happens again and welcoming the chance to do it. But at some level I know it won't happen again because he can't have witnesses to it. Maybe I'm wrong about that but that's my gut feeling. Of course I probably won't, because any real sharing isn't going to be done: it's strictly the news of the day and the weather. And how about those Red Sox?