Letting her go

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I've started accepting that's it and feel now there is no longer anything I can do or say to help my ex partner. I've put everything I can on the table. I've told her how much I love her, care for her and want to walk every step of her journey alongside her in the hope she'll get help and support for what ever this is for her. There's no formal diagnosis in place at this time but the more I read up on BPD the more it fits and she'll have also researched all of this. Why I hear you ask? Why would you put yourself through the hell that is trying to be there for her? It's simple isn't it, I love her in ways I've never loved anyone. I gave her all of me and more and every single fabric of my being wants to be there for her. The sad conclusion and reality is it's not enough though, it's not enough to reach through the illness. It doesn't work and it just makes it all a lot worse in the longrun is what I have learnt in a very short space of time.

I have to accept it don't I? It's not worth fighting and putting myself in a place where I can end up being punished and hurt for loving her. That's why it hurts so much because I am still very much there for her, still prepared to fight tooth and nail so having to accept that it's not enough hurts and makes the heartbreak of splitting up so much harder to take. I know that I can no longer be there and I've had to stand and watch the woman I love fall to pieces and to stand by knowing I can't do anything to help. All I can now do is walk away and hope she gets the help and support she needs. All I want is for her to be happy it's just sad knowing I couldn't give her the happiness she deserves.

I'm meeting her today as need to collect some bits from her. I don't want too though as its going to hurt. I'm trying to reach in and find some strength so I don't fall apart when I see her. I've had to deflect her advances of wanting to come to my flat and her wanting to go for lunch and have managed to arrange to go for a coffee instead. I figured that going for coffee gives me more control over the time that we spend together, I can walk away at any point it gets to much. If she came to my flat she controls the time limit. I'm to weak to ask her to leave if she come to my place. Going for lunch, well I figured I'm not going to be hungry and that will drag things out. She said to me, I'm sensing you don't want to see me! No I don't but I didn't tell her this. I'm in to much pain for this so I've needed to arrange this in a way that I know I have a get away plan. Collect my things, have coffee, check in and walk away. My wounds are open so why should I let us both pour salt all over them?

I need to stay strong today, I don't want her to see those wounds. I don't want to beg her to stay and I can't show that weakness, she knows it's there but I need to hide that today. I've stated my case and pleeded with her not to walk away but she's kept pushing and pushing me away and I now know there is nothing I can say or do to change her mind so why bring it all up again and why should she bring her stuff up again. She's said why, she's told me she loves me with all her heart but we can't be together. It's out there so really there is no need for it to be brought back up again today. I know she's sorry and she knows I'm sorry too. There's no need to sit and find closure. The only way closure will come in is by walking away and giving time some time. She wants to be friends but I know she just wants to keep me hanging in the corner. I want to hang there but I can't and I want friendship too but I know this is her just wanting me to be there for her ego boost when she's low or the next guy doesn't fulfill her needs. I know this and I'd let her do this but I'm not letting her have that. I won't tell her as I'm not dragging it up, I'm not letting her know she could do that to me. I'm walking away and ending this today. She doesn't need to know that. I'm just going to silently slip off in to the distance today hoping that she will begin her journey of getting herself back together.

I need to hide from her today even though she'll be right in front of me. I can't cry or show the hurt and sadness. I'm praying I can do this today. I can go away from her and cry and hurt later when there's no one around.

It's time to move on as much as it hurts and as much as I don't want to.

[Dazzle]

So I've started accepting that's it and feel now there is no longer anything I can do or say to help my ex partner. I've put everything I can on the table. I've told her how much I love her, care for her and want to walk every step of her journey alongside her in the hope she'll get help and support for what ever this is for her. There's no formal diagnosis in place at this time but the more I read up on BPD the more it fits and she'll have also researched all of this. Why I hear you ask? Why would you put yourself through the hell that is trying to be there for her? It's simple isn't it, I love her in ways I've never loved anyone. I gave her all of me and more and every single fabric of my being wants to be there for her. The sad conclusion and reality is it's not enough though, it's not enough to reach through the illness. It doesn't work and it just makes it all a lot worse in the longrun is what I have learnt in a very short space of time.

I have to accept it don't I? It's not worth fighting and putting myself in a place where I can end up being punished and hurt for loving her. That's why it hurts so much because I am still very much there for her, still prepared to fight tooth and nail so having to accept that it's not enough hurts and makes the heartbreak of splitting up so much harder to take. I know that I can no longer be there and I've had to stand and watch the woman I love fall to pieces and to stand by knowing I can't do anything to help. All I can now do is walk away and hope she gets the help and support she needs. All I want is for her to be happy it's just sad knowing I couldn't give her the happiness she deserves.

I'm meeting her today as need to collect some bits from her. I don't want too though as its going to hurt. I'm trying to reach in and find some strength so I don't fall apart when I see her. I've had to deflect her advances of wanting to come to my flat and her wanting to go for lunch and have managed to arrange to go for a coffee instead. I figured that going for coffee gives me more control over the time that we spend together, I can walk away at any point it gets to much. If she came to my flat she controls the time limit. I'm to weak to ask her to leave if she come to my place. Going for lunch, well I figured I'm not going to be hungry and that will drag things out. She said to me, I'm sensing you don't want to see me! No I don't but I didn't tell her this. I'm in to much pain for this so I've needed to arrange this in a way that I know I have a get away plan. Collect my things, have coffee, check in and walk away. My wounds are open so why should I let us both pour salt all over them?

I need to stay strong today, I don't want her to see those wounds. I don't want to beg her to stay and I can't show that weakness, she knows it's there but I need to hide that today. I've stated my case and pleeded with her not to walk away but she's kept pushing and pushing me away and I now know there is nothing I can say or do to change her mind so why bring it all up again and why should she bring her stuff up again. She's said why, she's told me she loves me with all her heart but we can't be together. It's out there so really there is no need for it to be brought back up again today. I know she's sorry and she knows I'm sorry too. There's no need to sit and find closure. The only way closure will come in is by walking away and giving time some time. She wants to be friends but I know she just wants to keep me hanging in the corner. I want to hang there but I can't and I want friendship too but I know this is her just wanting me to be there for her ego boost when she's low or the next guy doesn't fulfill her needs. I know this and I'd let her do this but I'm not letting her have that. I won't tell her as I'm not dragging it up, I'm not letting her know she could do that to me. I'm walking away and ending this today. She doesn't need to know that. I'm just going to silently slip off in to the distance today hoping that she will begin her journey of getting herself back together.

I need to hide from her today even though she'll be right in front of me. I can't cry or show the hurt and sadness. I'm praying I can do this today. I can go away from her and cry and hurt later when there's no one around.

It's time to move on as much as it hurts and as much as I don't want to.

[DestroyedKnight]

I feel for you I really do.It's been a living hell for the past year with me as I am sure you are going through right now.You seem to be in a better place than I ever was which is fantastic,I was never prepared for the day the BPD unleased on me full force.Been put through some terrible mind games and some would say torture and I really don't deserve that from someone who told me I was her soulmate and that she never wanted to lose me but kicked me out.

I cried too yesterday upon receiving a full blown apology and remorse for the way she has been with me.She even said she should never have kicked me out and in a roundabout way told me she loves me but I know without change things will never get better between us.She is now with someone else,I saw that guy this morning when I was dropping my daughter off at her mums house.Lets put it this way,the guy is ugly as sin and skinny and looks like he's on drugs.I am 6ft 2,don't take drugs or drink alcohol,pretty physically fit and without blowing my own trumpet a handsome guy as some people have told me

So the point is,as I have read countless times on this board.You could be Brad Pitt with all the money in the world and have a massive penis but nothing would ever be good enough.It's no use trying to bring logic to the BPD's arena as they just can't accept anything you have to say.I have told her I love her so many times,I was on my hands and knees begging her for a chance and asking her for closure.What she has done to me since I would not wish on my worst enemy.

We all deserve to loved the way we loved them,unfortunately they are not wired to do that.Keep strong my friend and keep posting and reading all you can on this wonderful site.I don't know where I would be without it

[Dazzle]

I'm bracing myself for the info on the new guy/guys. She pulled an ex shag of hers on me over the weekend when she wanted me to rescue her. Went out on a bender with him and seemed to delight in telling me about him and how sweet he was with her that night. It'll hurt to find out about these things but hey I don't think anything can hurt more than it already does. I know my insecurities so I'll deal with it when it happens.

Hey I don't know if I'm strong enough yet. Guess I'll find out if I can stick to my guns in a short while as meeting her within the next hour. I feel sick and I'm shaking like a leaf right now.

[DestroyedKnight]

All I will say is do not get caught up in her games mate. One of many stories I could relay to you that happened with my ex.Soon after she kicked me out of our house infront of my children she went about going on a dating site and had landed an irish sucker.She took great delight in posting collages of them together on her facebook wall posting quotes about how time flies when you are with the right person.Ok so the collages of them together were actually 2 seperate photos put together so that wasn't conclusive.Next thing her fb status changed and she then decided she would get the help of some guy she had met (another one of her fb associates) and they would take great pleasure in saying how she loves to be gagged and her neighbor would comment how she could hear them both next door.

I had my son stay with me one weekend and he was telling me how they were going to Ireland to see this guy and he was so excited saying he was going on a plane so I asked her when I took him home when she was going and she looked at me puzzled and turned to my son and no word of a lie she said " (sons name) who is (new victims) name? I stormed out of the house that day after calling her sick and twisted

One night I went off at her about her latest fb status saying how she is the new victims dirty little cum sub (pardon the language).she sat there with a smile on her face which I can only describe as pure evil,she told me I would never see the kids again and to leave her alone so I left the house,half an hour later she text me asking me if I wanted chinese food for my tea at her house .That night we had sex on her sofa.

This is what you are dealing with and if you let it they will drive you absolutely insane mate,keep focused and put on your big boy shoes and run and I would build yourself a very thick skin and protective bubble for anything she throws at you because she will

[shatra]

DestroyedKnight wrote---

Lets put it this way,the guy is ugly as sin and skinny and looks like he's on drugs.I am 6ft 2,don't take drugs or drink alcohol,pretty physically fit and without blowing my own trumpet a handsome guy as some people have told me

---Yes, they often are with a replacement who is less positive or attractive... .maybe it reflects the BPD's self-esteem, or maybe the replacement is less likely to abandon them if the replacement is not that great.  At least that's what I've read.

[Dazzle]

Ok so I held it together and didn't cry, beg nor plead with her and I kept my boundary in place and didn't let her nor myself open things back up again. As I said earlier what would be the point?

She told me she is now trying to sort herself out and give the meds a go now they've been increased so she's trying to stop misusing alcohol. It was nice to hear and nice to know she's making progress with sorting things out for herself. As much as this is ripping me apart i only want the best for her and for her to be happy. I need that for myself now though so got to move forward myself.

I'm trying to hold it together and not burst out crying. I can feel it there bubbling under the surface but I have my kids with me now so I can't let it out until they go to bed. I feel so emotional right now but i can't let it show to them can I.

It was nice to see her today. We had coffee and sat and chilled by the river. She's still wanting the friend thing with me but again I haven't given any answers to that. I don't know if I can do that. It was so hard to sit there looking at her and feeling such overwhelming feelings of love for her, she looked beautiful and I just wanted her to say it's all ok and we can work through this but I knew it wasn't going to happen and I pretty much had to coach myself through it and kept telling myself not to let it all out and not to let her open things up again. So bloody hard. I'm not sure if she's going to keep recycling me but she has indicated she wants to do things, go places etc with me. I don't know what that's all about. I do want her in my life but how can I after being in and still being in love with her. She says that she loves me so how can she do it either?

Anyway I stood firm and maned up. I'll now take her contact details out of my phone once again and try moving on.

[DestroyedKnight]

DestroyedKnight wrote---

Lets put it this way,the guy is ugly as sin and skinny and looks like he's on drugs.I am 6ft 2,don't take drugs or drink alcohol,pretty physically fit and without blowing my own trumpet a handsome guy as some people have told me

---Yes, they often are with a replacement who is less positive or attractive... .maybe it reflects the BPD's self-esteem, or maybe the replacement is less likely to abandon them if the replacement is not that great.  At least that's what I've read.

Without even reading up on replacements I understood already that this would probably ease her abandonment fears somewhat,not like it will matter in the long run because she will sabotage it no doubt but I figured if she has an ugly guy attending to her every need and she thinks he is not likely to cheat then maybe it will last longer.The thing is I know she was seeing a heroin addict when she was 16 years old and that did not last long,neither did the next bloke after 4 years and I was told he was a really nice guy.Then there was me at 9 years.so the cycle continues... .

[DestroyedKnight]

Ok so I held it together and didn't cry, beg nor plead with her and I kept my boundary in place and didn't let her nor myself open things back up again. As I said earlier what would be the point?

She told me she is now trying to sort herself out and give the meds a go now they've been increased so she's trying to stop misusing alcohol. It was nice to hear and nice to know she's making progress with sorting things out for herself. As much as this is ripping me apart i only want the best for her and for her to be happy. I need that for myself now though so got to move forward myself.

I'm trying to hold it together and not burst out crying. I can feel it there bubbling under the surface but I have my kids with me now so I can't let it out until they go to bed. I feel so emotional right now but i can't let it show to them can I.

It was nice to see her today. We had coffee and sat and chilled by the river. She's still wanting the friend thing with me but again I haven't given any answers to that. I don't know if I can do that. It was so hard to sit there looking at her and feeling such overwhelming feelings of love for her, she looked beautiful and I just wanted her to say it's all ok and we can work through this but I knew it wasn't going to happen and I pretty much had to coach myself through it and kept telling myself not to let it all out and not to let her open things up again. So bloody hard. I'm not sure if she's going to keep recycling me but she has indicated she wants to do things, go places etc with me. I don't know what that's all about. I do want her in my life but how can I after being in and still being in love with her. She says that she loves me so how can she do it either?

Anyway I stood firm and maned up. I'll now take her contact details out of my phone once again and try moving on.

In my experience and I am sure from alot of people on this forum,they simply can't handle emotions as well as normal mentally sound people can.Feelings equal facts and change so many times.I was painted black for months on end,called vile disgusting names,told I was crap in bed,a crap father.Now all of a sudden she is out on fathers day buying me a superdad outfit from my children

I have also dealt with the dysassociation and I can guarantee if I was to mention something she has done to me she would completely forget she has done it.This is so tough for us nons to deal with mate,I told my ex she was always beautiful to me and she never believed it and she never will no matter who tells her.As for the friend zone,I would be cautious as more often than not they will use you as a way to show the rest of the world how good they are."look at me,I treated my ex like absolute crap but we are the best of friends now" that means I am wonderful and a right catch.So while you are still there emotionally invested she is busy looking for her next soulmate and not thinking twice about your feelings in the matter.

Also actions speak louder than words,my ex apologised to me and told me she should have spoke to me instead of letting bat crazy come out and said I never deserved any of the treatment she gave me and said how I had always been there for her when we were together and even when we had split but the truth is SHE HAS NOT CHANGED and she needs help.She can sweet talk me all she wants or try to charm me back in but unless she takes my hand and comes with me to get help or therapy there is no way our relationship will ever work.I did all my crying during the beginning of the seperation mainly because I had gone from being the love of her life and seeing my kids every single days since they were born to not seeing them every day.But as time goes on it really does get better mate I assure you that,just focus on your health and your kids  

[Mutt]

Hi Dazzle,



I'm sorry to hear that. I get the sense that you're really hurt in your post(s). I can relate with that.

As much as this is ripping me apart i only want the best for her and for her to be happy. I need that for myself now though so got to move forward myself.

I think that letting go and moving on is a process that's different for everyone and I think that it takes time to let go. I think you may find it hard to self protect with minimal contact but it will also give you the space to sort through this and sort through your needs. You can always tweak the formula and have contact later if you wish? That being said.

How long were you together?

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi Dazzle,



I'm sorry to hear that. I get the sense that you're really hurt in your post(s). I can relate with that.

As much as this is ripping me apart i only want the best for her and for her to be happy. I need that for myself now though so got to move forward myself.

I think that letting go and moving on is a process that's different for everyone and I think that it takes time to let go. I think you may find it hard to self protect with minimal contact but it will also give you the space to sort through this and sort through your needs. You can always tweak the formula and have contact later if you wish? That being said.

How long were you together?

Mutt how long did it take you to let go and what was the final straw?

[Dazzle]

Hi Dazzle,



I'm sorry to hear that. I get the sense that you're really hurt in your post(s). I can relate with that.

As much as this is ripping me apart i only want the best for her and for her to be happy. I need that for myself now though so got to move forward myself.

I think that letting go and moving on is a process that's different for everyone and I think that it takes time to let go. I think you may find it hard to self protect with minimal contact but it will also give you the space to sort through this and sort through your needs. You can always tweak the formula and have contact later if you wish? That being said.

How long were you together?

We were together for nearly 4 years and lived together for 18 months.

I can't do the friend thing. On one hand I say I need to move on and yet if I am absolutely honest I want her to come back stupid I know. I do know though that that's the love talking. I still want us to be together and for everything to go back to how it once was however I do know that isn't going to happen hence why I need to tap in to some source of strength to move on from this.

[Mutt]

Hi DestroyedKnight,

Mutt how long did it take you to let go and what was the final straw?

It took me nearly three years where I can say that I have let go, it was a journey that wasn't linear with lows and highs. I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick with self reflection; I became aware in the process and I continue to learn about myself, my surroundings and inter-personal relationships. To answer your question about the final straw; the final straw was that she had an affair and again when she had a baby with her boyfriend.

Hi Dazzle,

On one hand I say I need to move on and yet if I am absolutely honest I want her to come back stupid I know. I do know though that that's the love talking.

I don't think that it's stupid. 4 years is a long history and I think that it helps us when we look at our feelings without avoidance and distortion. Many members can relate with wanting their ex to come back, including me. It can take time for our heart to catch up with our heads and it sounds like everything is raw for you right now, which is completely understandable.

What does a source of strength look like for you?

[DestroyedKnight]

yes you do mate and you will find the strength one day to move on I promise you that.I can probably guess that you like myself are a nice guy,a people pleaser which is why we stuck around as long as we did.You might not have thought about it but over time you will start to remember some crazy behavior she may have displayed during your relationship.For me it was right at the beginning,there were glaring red flags but I was love bombed into obvlivion that 9 years later I ended up kicked out of my home in tears with nowhere to go all for loving this young woman with every ounce of my being.And no amount of begging or telling her how much I love her and I was never going to leave her it fell on deaf ears.This truly is a life experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I have told who I thought were my friends about what happened and they don't care.All I get is "ah just get over it" "women,they're all nuts" "times a great healer" yada yada.Or the best one is "you should be well over her now".Little do these people know the difference between a normal relationship and one with a pwBPD.People look at me like I am the mad one

like you I have been stuck waiting for her to come around but it's all words.After reading post after post on this forum I am in agreement that there are not a great amount of sucess stories out there if any so you need to take stock right now and think yourself lucky.You have your children like I do,you are alive and you are free.I know it may not feel all that fantastic right now but these really are blessings.What I have witnessed from my BPD ex over the last year is she is in a world of hurt and she is doing anything she can to survive,new boyfriend,new haircut,new home whatever she can to make her feel alive.I really do feel sorry for her but there is an extent to how long I stay sorry for her when she knows she could change the course of her life with me and she has not got the courage to do so

[Dazzle]

Hi DestroyedKnight,

Mutt how long did it take you to let go and what was the final straw?

It took me nearly three years where I can say that I have let go, it was a journey that wasn't linear with lows and highs. I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick with self reflection; I became aware in the process and I continue to learn about myself, my surroundings and inter-personal relationships. To answer your question about the final straw; the final straw was that she had an affair and again when she had a baby with her boyfriend.

Hi Dazzle,

On one hand I say I need to move on and yet if I am absolutely honest I want her to come back stupid I know. I do know though that that's the love talking.

I don't think that it's stupid. 4 years is a long history and I think that it helps us when we look at our feelings without avoidance and distortion. Many members can relate with wanting their ex to come back, including me. It can take time for our heart to catch up with our heads and it sounds like everything is raw for you right now, which is completely understandable.

What does a source of strength look like for you?

To be honest I don't know! I think for me it's not contacting her for starters, deleting her number and to get up off my arris and face the day whilst trying my hardest to sort my life out without her in it. I guess it looks like I'm going to try and get over it all.

[Mutt]

Hi DestroyedKnight,

Mutt how long did it take you to let go and what was the final straw?

It took me nearly three years where I can say that I have let go, it was a journey that wasn't linear with lows and highs. I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick with self reflection; I became aware in the process and I continue to learn about myself, my surroundings and inter-personal relationships. To answer your question about the final straw; the final straw was that she had an affair and again when she had a baby with her boyfriend.

Hi Dazzle,

On one hand I say I need to move on and yet if I am absolutely honest I want her to come back stupid I know. I do know though that that's the love talking.

I don't think that it's stupid. 4 years is a long history and I think that it helps us when we look at our feelings without avoidance and distortion. Many members can relate with wanting their ex to come back, including me. It can take time for our heart to catch up with our heads and it sounds like everything is raw for you right now, which is completely understandable.

What does a source of strength look like for you?

To be honest I don't know! I think for me it's not contacting her for starters, deleting her number and to get up off my arris and face the day whilst trying my hardest to sort my life out without her in it. I guess it looks like I'm going to try and get over it all.

Hi Dazzle,

My advice is reflect. Don't repress.

I completely understand how difficult all of this is. I'm glad that you have found us. It helps to talk to members that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I'm trying to hold it together and not burst out crying. I can feel it there bubbling under the surface

Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu - chapter 22

Yield and overcome;

Bend and be straight;

Empty and be full;

Wear out and be new;

[Dazzle]

yes you do mate and you will find the strength one day to move on I promise you that.I can probably guess that you like myself are a nice guy,a people pleaser which is why we stuck around as long as we did.You might not have thought about it but over time you will start to remember some crazy behavior she may have displayed during your relationship.For me it was right at the beginning,there were glaring red flags but I was love bombed into obvlivion that 9 years later I ended up kicked out of my home in tears with nowhere to go all for loving this young woman with every ounce of my being.And no amount of begging or telling her how much I love her and I was never going to leave her it fell on deaf ears.This truly is a life experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I have told who I thought were my friends about what happened and they don't care.All I get is "ah just get over it" "women,they're all nuts" "times a great healer" yada yada.Or the best one is "you should be well over her now".Little do these people know the difference between a normal relationship and one with a pwBPD.People look at me like I am the mad one

like you I have been stuck waiting for her to come around but it's all words.After reading post after post on this forum I am in agreement that there are not a great amount of sucess stories out there if any so you need to take stock right now and think yourself lucky.You have your children like I do,you are alive and you are free.I know it may not feel all that fantastic right now but these really are blessings.What I have witnessed from my BPD ex over the last year is she is in a world of hurt and she is doing anything she can to survive,new boyfriend,new haircut,new home whatever she can to make her feel alive.I really do feel sorry for her but there is an extent to how long I stay sorry for her when she knows she could change the course of her life with me and she has not got the courage to do so

Yep my friends are the same and to be honest seem to be disinterested now which I understand to an extent as I'm like a broken record at the moment. Hell if I'm honest I don't understand it as I've never experienced a break up of this type. Usually been a doddle to walk away.

It should be petty easy to keep myself off her radar. Although we live 15 mins away from one another neither of us have any reason to be in the others area and as for the city life i doubt we'll run in to each other. We've unfriended on FB and both removed each other's friends and other social media is locked down or not used by either of us so unless one of us makes contact via phone we're pretty much safe from awkward meetings or finding things out from friends etc...

Guess I need to stay firm with my boundaries around her desire to be friends and hang out.

[DestroyedKnight]

yes you do mate and you will find the strength one day to move on I promise you that.I can probably guess that you like myself are a nice guy,a people pleaser which is why we stuck around as long as we did.You might not have thought about it but over time you will start to remember some crazy behavior she may have displayed during your relationship.For me it was right at the beginning,there were glaring red flags but I was love bombed into obvlivion that 9 years later I ended up kicked out of my home in tears with nowhere to go all for loving this young woman with every ounce of my being.And no amount of begging or telling her how much I love her and I was never going to leave her it fell on deaf ears.This truly is a life experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I have told who I thought were my friends about what happened and they don't care.All I get is "ah just get over it" "women,they're all nuts" "times a great healer" yada yada.Or the best one is "you should be well over her now".Little do these people know the difference between a normal relationship and one with a pwBPD.People look at me like I am the mad one

like you I have been stuck waiting for her to come around but it's all words.After reading post after post on this forum I am in agreement that there are not a great amount of sucess stories out there if any so you need to take stock right now and think yourself lucky.You have your children like I do,you are alive and you are free.I know it may not feel all that fantastic right now but these really are blessings.What I have witnessed from my BPD ex over the last year is she is in a world of hurt and she is doing anything she can to survive,new boyfriend,new haircut,new home whatever she can to make her feel alive.I really do feel sorry for her but there is an extent to how long I stay sorry for her when she knows she could change the course of her life with me and she has not got the courage to do so

Yep my friends are the same and to be honest seem to be disinterested now which I understand to an extent as I'm like a broken record at the moment. Hell if I'm honest I don't understand it as I've never experienced a break up of this type. Usually been a doddle to walk away.

It should be petty easy to keep myself off her radar. Although we live 15 mins away from one another neither of us have any reason to be in the others area and as for the city life i doubt we'll run in to each other. We've unfriended on FB and both removed each other's friends and other social media is locked down or not used by either of us so unless one of us makes contact via phone we're pretty much safe from awkward meetings or finding things out from friends etc...

Guess I need to stay firm with my boundaries around her desire to be friends and hang out.

Do not be surprised if those boundaries are enforced upon or she tries to break them.My ex would text me asking me allsorts of random questions usually starting off with "you're pretty clever I am hoping you can help me with something" or using anything to do with the children as an excuse to message me.Like my sons birthday is 2 months away and she text 2 nights ago discussing what we can buy him and asking me to come round to her new house to set it up for him.leave me the hell alone

[Darsha500]

Dazzle,

I feel your pain. I truly FEELit. The words you write are right on the money. They hit the nail on the head. I myself could not even bring myself to see my ex one final time after the last thing she said to me. Though I love her with those fibers of me being, they were simultaneously repulsed by her. And this repulsion outweighed the desire to give her the closure she wanted.

You claim you are weak, as my Ex claimed I was for refusing to see her. I disagree. I believe that following your heart, and your gut in these situations is an incredibly courageous move. I realized that, for me, severing ties in the way I did was the ultimate act of self-love; the ultimate enforcement of my boundaries. It was, and continues to be excruitatingly painful. But like you, I have come to the conclusion that it is the only way. I refuse to relinquish my self to her, such would be an act of betrayal to myself, far worse than the betrayal I have faced by her hands. I am responsible for my self, no one else, just as she is responsible for hers. I am not a martyr.

Remain steadfast in your convictions, your conviction that you MUST LET GO. Letting go for the sake of your own sanity.

"This isn't giving up, this is letting go."

Listen to this song. It will bring your strength.

https://youtu.be/FsI9l6yyXuU

[shatra]

Destroyed knight wrote--

I'm not sure if she's going to keep recycling me but she has indicated she wants to do things, go places etc with me. I don't know what that's all about. I do want her in my life but how can I after being in and still being in love with her. She says that she loves me so how can she do it either?

----So she loves you---what does she say about the replacement? you're right about what you wrote earlier, a "less attractive" replacement can soothe the BP's abandonment fears.  She want to go places with you---is that "as friends"?

Anyway I stood firm and maned up. I'll now take her contact details out of my phone once again and try moving on.

---Had you taken the contact details out and put them back in earlier? Was that due to a recycle?

[Dazzle]

Destroyed knight wrote--

I'm not sure if she's going to keep recycling me but she has indicated she wants to do things, go places etc with me. I don't know what that's all about. I do want her in my life but how can I after being in and still being in love with her. She says that she loves me so how can she do it either?

----So she loves you---what does she say about the replacement? you're right about what you wrote earlier, a "less attractive" replacement can soothe the BP's abandonment fears.  She want to go places with you---is that "as friends"?

Anyway I stood firm and maned up. I'll now take her contact details out of my phone once again and try moving on.

---Had you taken the contact details out and put them back in earlier? Was that due to a recycle?

Nothing on any replacement as of yet apart from the guy on sat night that she has previous with.

Yes as friends and yes with the number.