BPD mother, don't even know where to begin...

[Skittles999]

First time poster here 

I had never thought there was an actual diagnosis for my mother's mental illness. I always thought she had a *cocktail* of mental illnesses that lead her to extreme anger and yelling, my entire childhood was to the tune of my parents screaming so loud the cops had to come several times. The amount of times she's threatened suicide to me is so countless, I don't even know. Reading all this, I can  pretty much be assured she has had BPD her whole life (which got much worse in the last 10 years)

The main problem here is that her mental state affects her physical SO much that she ends up in the ER all the time. She takes many, many perscription drugs and is incapable of living on her own. My father is at his wits end and is begging me to help console the inconsolable, and I feel like the worst, cruelest person for wanting to live my life instead of jumping on a sinking ship. It's "all or nothing" with her.  Has anyone else felt this kind of guilt, and what do they do about it?

[GirlsCanDoMath]

Hi 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can definitely relate.

I realized my mom had BPD when I started going to therapy about 8 years ago. My therapist suggested it to me after hearing everything that goes on. She told me to read some books and they really helped. My therapist told me that eventually I would probably have to remove her from my life because she is toxic. I didn't wanna do that, because its my mom... of course I don't wanna cut my mom out of my life. I figured I would have to do it eventually, but its hard.

My father left my mother about 3 or 4 months ago now, and she cant handle that I still associate with him so she ended up cutting me off. She cries to everyone and acts like I cut her off but I didn't.

Its been about a month and a half since she cut me off, and I am starting to realize that its better this way. She kind of did me a favor. I am seriously considering keeping it this way.

Best Wishes,

B. 

[Area57]

Ooo, I want to be cut off, .  I wish it was as simple for me as talking to my dad.  I have to lie and say I don't.

[Sarah girl]

My mom ended up at the ER for the first time last month. Since I started limiting contact with her, she's been internalizing her anxiety and having some serious mental and physical breakdowns. Doctors were not able to help her. They just kept her for a day and sent her home.

She is divorced from my dad and has threatened no contact with me if I ever reach out to him. She was suicidal when I was a child and all I ever wanted to do for a good part of my life was rescue her. I lived my life feeling like a big failure and wishing I was never born because despite all my efforts, I always fell short. I only recently realized that I can't save her from her pain.

Seeking support has helped me tremendously and I hope it will help you too. Just knowing that others have been through the same thing and have had the same instinct to just distance themselves from the BP parent is vindicating. As guilty as you feel about wanting to live your life, you are not a horrible person. I think it's a positive thing that you want to take your life back. I lived feeling guilty about even existing until I came to the realization that losing myself would not help my mom or even save her. Living with the guilt is the hardest part. These days, I fluctuate between feeling guilty and feeling angry about all the manipulation lost time. I take it one feeling at a time. Right now I just feel resentment towards my mom. 

[Auslaunder]

Skittles,

I don't think it benefits pwBPD to give them too much extra attention when they are acting helpless, very depressed or suicidal. Suicidal behavior or threats should be referred to psychiatrists to help them. If you called an ambulance whenever she did that do you think she might stop? Atleast she would get the treatment she needs. My father is capable of doing more than he wants to do and it causes him stress, but I try to be insist he learn to be self sufficient. Your mother may have some physical limitations if she is ill, but she can probably help your father more than she is. Of course, there is little you can do to alter your fathers behavior, but there isnt a reason for you to feel guilty by not giving in to unreasonable demands. A bit of distance is sometimes helpful to get them to start caring for themselves. I've never been able to get my father to take proper care of his health due to his black and white thinking. To him, eating healthy is a zero sum game. Foods are either all good or all bad and since he doesn't have the will power to avoid bad foods all the time, he sabotages his diet efforts. I had to accept that the concepts of having a "good relationship with food" was impossible for him to grasp. He tends to have antagonistic relationships with his doctors as well. Pretty much all illnesses will be made worse by life style and stress, so it may be hard to make much progress with your mother this way.