She broke me down

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well, here it goes guys & gals.  

Before I dated my current ex BPD of two years,I was in a relationship with an unfaithful woman. I caught her being unfaithful and before I could break up with her she cut me off quicker than I could blink.

Fast forward to my BPD EX gf,  she was incredibly beautiful, a bombshell who loved all the same thing I did, so full of life and exuded sexual energy. I was smitten and immediately decided she needed to be mine.

A month into our relationship I found she had given me chlamydia.  I assumed she had no clue, I got it taken care of and kept our relationship going.  

A few weeks lateriI started to feel weird and assumed maybe it was chlamydia again (the first time really freaked me out) so I went and got a check up. Then I got the worse news of my life at the time. The cheating woman I was with before her passed on HIV to me. I was devastated and scared that my life, relationship, and everything was over. I called her in hysterical tears but she reassured me it changed nothing and she would continue to be by my side.

My love for her grew 10x at that point. That was the bear trap that caught me in. At first she warmed me saying"I'm a lot to handle, blah blah,  things of that nature" I took it as a challenge to be the best man she ever had. I gave her new experiences, new feelings,  and great sex and she made me feel like a God. My HIV status was just another thing that this "amazing" woman helped me overcome and conquer (at the time) after a few months I started noticing the tendency to flip out or rage over the littlest things. I never met people people from her past because "they all did her wrong" everyone was vilified and my friends became her only friends. I figured it was just the effects of her "tough childhood" so I stuck by through all her abuse.

We lived together for an entire year I n which she belittled me, raged on me, made me put her before everything, I cooked cleaned and maintained the house all while working a management job. She did nothing around the house and constantly complained about it. She was cinstantly short on rent and would complain when I didn't have money to take her out because I was covering her ass.

It wasnt always bad times as we genuinelydid click aa lot. She even called my doctor and cussed her out for not providing me my medicine in a timely fashion. I was sure she loved me. We always talked about kids and marriage and I knew she was the one for me. Our fights got more and more frequent, she blamed it on "anxiety" and my lack of knowledge on the topic. I researched it to try to understand it. But it seemed like when I had one way around her "anxiety" there was another anxiety monster luck king around the corner. Everything was always my fault, I was insensitive, unapologetic, and I always have to be right. All traits that anyone in my life for a significant period of time could tell you are not traits of mine. Did I get impatient often with her incessant need to f I nd fault in everything, yes.

I am only human tho and there is only so much negaticity I can do take. On a few occasions I've packed my bags to leave her, at cried and begged and pleaded and said things would be different but they never were.

One day she came to me and asked if it was OK to communicate with her ex fiance,  because he apologized f io r the way he treated her and that one of their mutual friends died. I told her I support her decision because Ivbelieve we should have that ty level of trust and freedom in our relationship. She told me I was the most amazing man she ever had and how she cherished me.

Two days later she starts a fight with me as I leave to work. Once I get home I'm greeted with"I'm leaving and never coming back". So she left, thus began her tyrade to paint me black.  Lies of stalking, cheating, abusing her, objectfying her and many other lies began to swirl about my life and friends. It broke me down completely.  

The girl who passed HIV on to me died shortly after me and BPD Ex broke up. I called BPD ex to console me,  she came over and gave me the coldest ___ you an goodbye I ever experienced.  She even yelled at me in the already fragile state I was in. At this point she broke me down so much I was on my 2nd unsuccessful suicide attempt. Especially after finding out that just a month after our relationship she was already back out there man hunting and searching for shiny new boyfriend.

Its been 2 1/2 months since the break up and every time she sees me In public she makes it a point to make it obvious she's avoiding me, even when I don't acknowledge her existence.

Oh,  and the real ___kicker is that she refuses to get tested for HIV,  putting her next potential victim at risk. Possibly as a way to keep him under control.  Like what the heck!

Any input wwould be greatly appreciated

[NoMoreBDP4me]

Well, here it goes guys & gals.  

Before I dated my current ex BPD of two years,I was in a relationship with an unfaithful woman. I caught her being unfaithful and before I could break up with her she cut me off quicker than I could blink.

Fast forward to my BPD EX gf,  she was incredibly beautiful, a bombshell who loved all the same thing I did, so full of life and exuded sexual energy. I was smitten and immediately decided she needed to be mine.

A month into our relationship I found she had given me chlamydia.  I assumed she had no clue, I got it taken care of and kept our relationship going.  

A few weeks lateriI started to feel weird and assumed maybe it was chlamydia again (the first time really freaked me out) so I went and got a check up. Then I got the worse news of my life at the time. The cheating woman I was with before her passed on HIV to me. I was devastated and scared that my life, relationship, and everything was over. I called her in hysterical tears but she reassured me it changed nothing and she would continue to be by my side.

My love for her grew 10x at that point. That was the bear trap that caught me in. At first she warmed me saying"I'm a lot to handle, blah blah,  things of that nature" I took it as a challenge to be the best man she ever had. I gave her new experiences, new feelings,  and great sex and she made me feel like a God. My HIV status was just another thing that this "amazing" woman helped me overcome and conquer (at the time) after a few months I started noticing the tendency to flip out or rage over the littlest things. I never met people people from her past because "they all did her wrong" everyone was vilified and my friends became her only friends. I figured it was just the effects of her "tough childhood" so I stuck by through all her abuse.

We lived together for an entire year I n which she belittled me, raged on me, made me put her before everything, I cooked cleaned and maintained the house all while working a management job. She did nothing around the house and constantly complained about it. She was cinstantly short on rent and would complain when I didn't have money to take her out because I was covering her ass.

It wasnt always bad times as we genuinelydid click aa lot. She even called my doctor and cussed her out for not providing me my medicine in a timely fashion. I was sure she loved me. We always talked about kids and marriage and I knew she was the one for me. Our fights got more and more frequent, she blamed it on "anxiety" and my lack of knowledge on the topic. I researched it to try to understand it. But it seemed like when I had one way around her "anxiety" there was another anxiety monster luck king around the corner. Everything was always my fault, I was insensitive, unapologetic, and I always have to be right. All traits that anyone in my life for a significant period of time could tell you are not traits of mine. Did I get impatient often with her incessant need to f I nd fault in everything, yes.

I am only human tho and there is only so much negaticity I can do take. On a few occasions I've packed my bags to leave her, at cried and begged and pleaded and said things would be different but they never were.

One day she came to me and asked if it was OK to communicate with her ex fiance,  because he apologized f io r the way he treated her and that one of their mutual friends died. I told her I support her decision because Ivbelieve we should have that ty level of trust and freedom in our relationship. She told me I was the most amazing man she ever had and how she cherished me.

Two days later she starts a fight with me as I leave to work. Once I get home I'm greeted with"I'm leaving and never coming back". So she left, thus began her tyrade to paint me black.  Lies of stalking, cheating, abusing her, objectfying her and many other lies began to swirl about my life and friends. It broke me down completely.  

The girl who passed HIV on to me died shortly after me and BPD Ex broke up. I called BPD ex to console me,  she came over and gave me the coldest ___ you an goodbye I ever experienced.  She even yelled at me in the already fragile state I was in. At this point she broke me down so much I was on my 2nd unsuccessful suicide attempt. Especially after finding out that just a month after our relationship she was already back out there man hunting and searching for shiny new boyfriend.

Its been 2 1/2 months since the break up and every time she sees me In public she makes it a point to make it obvious she's avoiding me, even when I don't acknowledge her existence.

Oh,  and the real ___kicker is that she refuses to get tested for HIV,  putting her next potential victim at risk. Possibly as a way to keep him under control.  Like what the heck!

Any input wwould be greatly appreciated

[Skip]

There's a lot here.

Are you still having bouts of feeling suicidal?

[enlighten me]

Hi NomoreBPD4me

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you have had to and are dealing with all of this.

You've had so much that on its own would be devastating but to have it all together must be unbearable.

By finding this site I hope we can help to alleviate some of the anguish you are going through.

You must have so many questions and I hope you can find some of the answers.

A good place to start is the lessons in the leaving section.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Please keep reading and posting there are a lot of us here that can sympathise with a lot of what you are dealing with.

EM

[NoMoreBDP4me]

I think about it all the time. I won't do it anymore because I've seen the pain the attempts have caused my family. So I'm stuck between battling this and not sure and not wanting to be here and not killing myself. Its miserable

[enlighten me]

Its good that you realise the impact on others and are not willing to put them through it. It shows strength and compassion.

Is there anything in particular you want to learn about or talk about?

We are here to help as much as we can.

EM

[NoMoreBDP4me]

I'm just in a state of what the heck do I do from here. I begged pleaded and cried for her to not do this for 2 months until she finally blocked me from everything imaginable. I know she's toxic to me and if I ever wanna regain my sanity I have to let her go. I can't though. I think about her all the time. I've been making major improvement in my life and I have done a complete180 of where I was in the original aftermath of things. Everyone tells me how radiant I've become an how happy I seem to bbe. While some days are good others are completely unbearable and I feel miserable knowing I'm here wishing she would just give me an apology I know will never happen while age is scouring the globe for the next emotional dildo to fill her void. It's driving me mad and I'm caught in this balancing act of continuing to improve my life outwardly while deteriorating mentally/emotionally. I don't even feel sad about it anymore sometimes, it's so much deeper than sad,  it's a feeling that almost physically hurts me to the core of my soul to the point there isn't an expression for it.  I'm just lost

[enlighten me]

I can totally relate to that indescribable pain.

The feeling dead inside and the only thing that has any sensation is the burning one in your eyes where your holding back the tears.

I sometimes look back and think how did I survive that but I did.

It doesn't happen over night. We have to realign our thinking and that's not easy.

EM