is she baiting me?

[DestroyedKnight]

I posted a couple of days ago saying how my udpwBPD exgf had text me with what seemed like a very heartfelt and sincere apology for the way she treated me.Even saying how she should never have kicked me out and that she should have talked to me but she lets things build up and it makes things worse and bat crazy comes out. Wouldn't tell me directly that she loves me but insinuated that she does by saying I know the truth.

I thanked her for her kind words and told her I love her but considering she has a new supply now I told her how I can't be in her life in any capacity and arranged to collect my children and drop them off through her mother and I am fully committed to going nc from now on.

Now I dropped my son off at school 35 hours ago and my daughter at her mums house.She has text me in the last 5 minutes with "What has (son) had to eat at yours?"

I replied back with "raw sushi,undercooked chicken breasts and a whole cow dripping with blood".I knew she was insinuating something,and as it happens she tells me our son was sent home from school today 8 and a half hours ago being sick so my question to her was "why did it take you until now to ask me?" and secondly why did she not ask the school?. and considering there has been 35 hours in between my son being at my house did she not think that it could have been her cooking?

she has wound me up to the point where I have told her from now on I will put an inventory of what he had to eat complete with temperatures in his bag when he goes home which received a sarcastic comment back.

Is she for real? what is she trying to do?

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

I have had many of these from what time have you been putting son to bed as he isn't settling now, to what has he had to eat.

I take all of these with a pinch of salt now where before they would wind me up. Having my parenting brought into question is probably the only thing that puts my back up with my exs.

Food poisoning normally takes 1-3 hours before it manifests so when it comes to my youngest son being ill I can work out what he had, when he had it, if anyone else ate the same as him and if anyone else is feeling ill in a split second.

The fact that you told her that you would never be a part of her life again has probably been playing on her mind and triggered her abandonment fears. My ex wife was positive that all she had to do was click her fingers and I would come running back. When it was made clear to her by her mum that there wasn't a cat in hells chance of this happening she started with things like your ex did.

It could also be blame shifting. If your son was sent home at the beginning of the day then it may have been something she gave him or he was ill and she sent him to school anyway. Rather than take the blame she is trying to shift it onto you.

Try not to let this wind you up instead use it to add an extra layer to reinforcing that you made the right decision to break up.

[DestroyedKnight]

I guess what I am trying to say is,do they make up excuses to get you to message them back and if you end up arguing with them then they see it as a small victory or something? at least the lines of communication are open in their eyes.Maybe I am reading too much into this but it seems like she is trying to push my buttons yet again reverting back to old tactics

[enlighten me]

Yes it does seem to be a common tactic to engage people. Im not saying they all do it as they all are different.

My exgf said something once that at the time seemed odd. It was something like if someone cant love me Id rather they hate me. I can now see that positive or negative its all attention where not feeling anything about them means they mean nothing.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

I have had many of these from what time have you been putting son to bed as he isn't settling now, to what has he had to eat.

I take all of these with a pinch of salt now where before they would wind me up. Having my parenting brought into question is probably the only thing that puts my back up with my exs.

Food poisoning normally takes 1-3 hours before it manifests so when it comes to my youngest son being ill I can work out what he had, when he had it, if anyone else ate the same as him and if anyone else is feeling ill in a split second.

The fact that you told her that you would never be a part of her life again has probably been playing on her mind and triggered her abandonment fears. My ex wife was positive that all she had to do was click her fingers and I would come running back. When it was made clear to her by her mum that there wasn't a cat in hells chance of this happening she started with things like your ex did.

It could also be blame shifting. If your son was sent home at the beginning of the day then it may have been something she gave him or he was ill and she sent him to school anyway. Rather than take the blame she is trying to shift it onto you.

Try not to let this wind you up instead use it to add an extra layer to reinforcing that you made the right decision to break up.


Hi Enlightenme, I was not the dumper,she dumped me after 9 years together mate.It's taken me long enough to get out of the fog with us coming up to nearly a year since the split but I don't understand how she is now in a relationship with someone butt ugly but yet she's not posting it on her fb wall like she normally would have done,it is him who has updated his status and she sends me an apology basically saying I had been there for her through everything and she should never have kicked me out but that is as far as it has gone.Now she sends me a snotty message accusing me of giving my son food poisoning.It is like she knows how to push my buttons and by god she just did for the first time in a long time ,I just don't understand her intentions in it all because I aint going running back to be pushed away again any time soon,been there bought the T shirt

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

Sorry I didn't realise she dumped you. Now your out of the fog you seem to be staying committed to not going back.

My exgf did exactly the same thing with my replacement. She was with him for 11 months until all of a sudden his fb status changed to in a relationship and hers followed shortly after. I was told this. In all the time she was with him she never once mentioned him to me. She would go away to his on weekends I had our son but never made reference to him only the place where he lived.

I have pondered this and still not sure of the reason. My best guess is she didn't want to shut the door on me even though she didn't want to be with me.

Its amazing how they can find our tender spot with such accuracy. Like I said before try not to take it to heart. Its hardly ever anything weve done that theyre kicking off over its more to do with how theyre feeling. Next time have a pause and then and then ask a question back. Something like why whats happened. Give yourself time to process rather than react. You will walk away a lot calmer and she will be left knowing that that particular tactic no longer works.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

Sorry I didn't realise she dumped you. Now your out of the fog you seem to be staying committed to not going back.

My exgf did exactly the same thing with my replacement. She was with him for 11 months until all of a sudden his fb status changed to in a relationship and hers followed shortly after. I was told this. In all the time she was with him she never once mentioned him to me. She would go away to his on weekends I had our son but never made reference to him only the place where he lived.

I have pondered this and still not sure of the reason. My best guess is she didn't want to shut the door on me even though she didn't want to be with me.

Its amazing how they can find our tender spot with such accuracy. Like I said before try not to take it to heart. Its hardly ever anything weve done that theyre kicking off over its more to do with how theyre feeling. Next time have a pause and then and then ask a question back. Something like why whats happened. Give yourself time to process rather than react. You will walk away a lot calmer and she will be left knowing that that particular tactic no longer works.

I know there are thousands of people on the forum so don't expect you would remember me but I recall private messaging you a few times and you telling me my story was so familiar to yours and triggered you.Congrats on the promotion by the way  

I think she knows that to be with me now that she needs to put the hard work in and right now she is not prepared to do that,she would rather take the easy route by starting the cycle again although she hinted a few weeks back she had been to see a doctor and came up with some cock and bull story how the doctor said she needs to speak with her mother because that is where a lot of the problems lie . My initial reaction was to just ignore the text,I even gave myself 5 minutes to try and process my response but I still ended up angry at her . Not once in the past few months when I have had my children has she thrown these accusations at me so don't know why she is starting now when she has a new supply in her life.

And no longer am I falling for her "you know the truth" crap because if she did love me we would be together now

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

I do remember our pms. Unfortunately my grey matter can get a bit overloaded with info. I recall one of your posts hit home with something your ex did.

Thanks for the congrats. I ummed and ahhed a bit still not quite sure what Im doing 

Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears. You just happen to have been the stress ball for her to take it out on.

I had a couple of little moments like this. After one I was told her and her bf have had a but of grumble on fb. Which is quite big for her to air her laundry in public.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

I do remember our pms. Unfortunately my grey matter can get a bit overloaded with info. I recall one of your posts hit home with something your ex did.

Thanks for the congrats. I ummed and ahhed a bit still not quite sure what Im doing 

Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears. You just happen to have been the stress ball for her to take it out on.

I had a couple of little moments like this. After one I was told her and her bf have had a but of grumble on fb. Which is quite big for her to air her laundry in public.

Haha I have seen a few of your posts in recent weeks mate and you are doing a sterling job,keep up the good work.I don't know,something very fishy is going on,I can feel it in my waters . She announces that she is moving closer to me,literally round the corner.I find out some bloke who really is god damn ugly and looks like a smack head has posted that he's in a relationship with my ex on his fb wall 6 days ago so I kick off because I find out he drinks and takes drugs and I don't want that around my kids,followed by the seemingly sincere apology and the subtle leaving me dangling saying that she can't respond to me saying I love her but I know the truth.

Now her last message I just received a few minutes ago was very very childish.I told her about the effects of food poisoning and the usual timing and asked her to ponder on it and the reply I got back was "ermmmmmmmmmmmmmm... .Nah"

one minute telling me she should have talked to me and not kicked me out and not acted out like she is and has been doing but is doing just that right now

[enlighten me]

It sounds like your get the full playbook thrown at you.

I hated that childish thing.

Yes it does sound like something is going on. Having so many different things in such a short time isn't normal.

What it is that's causing her to do this though will probably only come to light with time.

Its a difficult one because part of you wants to know so you can plan and another part needs to let it go and not have the stress.

[DestroyedKnight]

It sounds like your get the full playbook thrown at you.

I hated that childish thing.

Yes it does sound like something is going on. Having so many different things in such a short time isn't normal.

What it is that's causing her to do this though will probably only come to light with time.

Its a difficult one because part of you wants to know so you can plan and another part needs to let it go and not have the stress.

Said it many times in the last few months that I would take her back in a heartbeat if she was to take my hand and come with me and see a therapist and work on her issues,seems like she has been triggered again but I could be wrong,like you say I guess time will tell. I think about her constantly,I saw her replacement a couple of days ago literally only 10 yards away doing his upmost to avert his eyes and not look in my direction.If he had caught me at the beginning of the split he would have been beaten to a pulp no questions asked and I probably would have been banged up . But I have come a hell of a long way since then.I don't react,I don't get jealous,I tell her if this is the path she wants to take then so be it but don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when the mask comes off again.

It's all well and good posting Ed sheeran songs proclaiming I am the one and how she will change for me in time yada yada but actions speak louder than words.Some nights I feel a warm peace come over me like I am content and stress free.I have a full time job working nights.I see my children every week which brings me so much joy,I don't miss the constant accusations of me cheating when I never physically cheated on her once,the jealousy because I said hello to a woman on facebook telling me to delete them,the being called a sex pest because we had gone two weeks without sex and I was horny and yet again it was my initiating it and getting frustrated that she would just lie there like a sack of potatoes.But by god I miss her and love this woman,I miss the closeness we once had,the laughter,the deep connection and bond and her planning our wedding and life together.Arrggggh

[enlighten me]

It sounds as though your still very torn.

How would you feel if she begged you to take her back?

[DestroyedKnight]

It sounds as though your still very torn.

How would you feel if she begged you to take her back?

I am very torn yes because I know deep down inside there is a lovely young woman I fell in love with who has mental health issues and I want to love her like I always have done and for her to work her way towards getting better with my help.I told her a few night back that I have had to be so strong to get through all this and she was so sorry for her actions and said I didn't deserve any of what she put me through but she hasn't begged me to go back yet and I doubt she will do to be quite honest.

Many people would say it is up to the man to do all the running but been there done that and got shot down in the process and mocked on her fb wall with all her enablers although I know she has one of the first emails I ever sent her after our split in a folder marked important in her gmail which contains a very emotional heartfelt declaration of love for her with a love song by Richard Marx Waiting for you.I feel like I am failing her and all I ever said to her if I give up on her if I walk away.Yeah I have been getting on with my life but I just can't seem to take that final step just yet

[enlighten me]

It is sad. The good we see in them is unfortunately tied to the bad. We cannot separate them. We can either decide that we can bear the bad to have the good or that the good isn't worth having to deal with the bad.

I do not hate my exs. I don't love them anymore as for me the person I loved was a figment of my imagination.

[DestroyedKnight]

It is sad. The good we see in them is unfortunately tied to the bad. We cannot separate them. We can either decide that we can bear the bad to have the good or that the good isn't worth having to deal with the bad.

I do not hate my exs. I don't love them anymore as for me the person I loved was a figment of my imagination.

I don't know,I honestly don't.I am not running round there declaring my undying love for her anymore.Not giving in to her asking for favors or even phased by her acting out or that she may or may not be with a new guy however ugly he is.Ok yeah I think about them having sex and how she always said she only ever felt safe and comfortable with me and even taking off her clothes but maybe that was a lie who knows.I am hearing even more and more stuff come out since the split which she denies and in all fairness the things I have been put through nobody in their right mind would stick around for round 2 but the fact is I really do love her if that is with her or without her.

She has admitted she has a problem but just won't take that final step,so what happens now? I move on with my life and she ends up having another breakdown and calling me one night and I have to decide whether or not to run to her rescue? or she comes up with some lie about how her bf has beat her up or whatever to get my attention.Things were normal and loving for 9 years.she told me she wanted to marry me for about the 100th time a month before kicking me out and then BANG my whole world gets turned upside down. This really is a cruel disorder

[enlighten me]

There was a time that if one of my exs said either of those things I would have come running. Now I would call 999 and either send the police or an ambulance to her.

It might seem harsh but that's what I would have to do to not get drawn in again.

[DestroyedKnight]

There was a time that if one of my exs said either of those things I would have come running. Now I would call 999 and either send the police or an ambulance to her.

It might seem harsh but that's what I would have to do to not get drawn in again.

haha yeah but knowing how much of a nice guy I am,until I get really Bruce Banner angry that is I would probably go running like an idiot.Maybe I am weak I don't know.I have read countless stories saying how people felt like they needed that second hit just to make sure it can't be salvaged.I am not looking for revenge or have alterior motives,I have nothing but love for her.If she feels an ounce of what she ever said she felt for me then she has to put these words into action.I have been angry at her,I have been loving,indifferent,passive.Fought silent treatment with silent treatment,received a random message on fb saying how my ex is shagging my so called friend and responded to it with total disdain and nothing works.Told her I hate her (probably not a good idea) told her I love her with all my heart despite everything she throws back at me and all I get back is "I can't respond to that but you know the truth"

[enlighten me]

I wouldn't recommend going back for a second hit just to make it easier to get over her. My ex wife recycled me and when she dumped me again I was worse off than I had been before.

With my exgf I was determined not to make the same mistakes I did with my ex wife. I decided to think the worst and believe her capable of anything. It helped a lot. A bonus was that when things came out they didn't knock me back as far as they did with my ex wife.

[DestroyedKnight]

I wouldn't recommend going back for a second hit just to make it easier to get over her. My ex wife recycled me and when she dumped me again I was worse off than I had been before.

With my exgf I was determined not to make the same mistakes I did with my ex wife. I decided to think the worst and believe her capable of anything. It helped a lot. A bonus was that when things came out they didn't knock me back as far as they did with my ex wife.

That is exactly my thinking on the matter.I believe armed with the knowledge I now have at my disposal I could make this work if she is willing to at least meet me half way.You probably know all the sick and twisted things my ex has put me through so I know she is capable of anything.I mean phoning up my old employer pretending to be the CSA is pretty out there and telling me to F off and get out of her house then half an hour later texting me asking me if I wanted chinese food for tea and having sex with me that same night amongst countless crazy making behaviors so I don't believe if I had another fall from grace it would be as much of a blow.However as I keep saying the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting the results to be different (or something along those lines) .

I think I should just go off the radar and carry on with what I am doing.I don't have any desire to date right now,just focusing on work and my children

[enlighten me]

One think that seems to happen a lot is when we get stronger and detach they see us again as who we were in the beginning and this can sometimes trigger them to try and recycle.

Its a strange situation as by this time most wont go back yet before they reached detachment they would have happily done so.

[DestroyedKnight]

One think that seems to happen a lot is when we get stronger and detach they see us again as who we were in the beginning and this can sometimes trigger them to try and recycle.

Its a strange situation as by this time most wont go back yet before they reached detachment they would have happily done so.

Yeah I was blacker than the ace of spades when she dysregulated and kicked me out,my name was dragged through the mud all over facebook.I let the mind games get to me all the while she was sleeping with me and telling me she would always love me but pushing me away. Then thanks to many lonely nights on this forum I finally wised up and the fog began to lift and I saw things for what they were.Hell I even found myself laughing at the behavior she was displaying,logging into whatsapp to see her go offline instantly like a little game a child would play but for some reason I found it delightful (no idea why )

I was ugly,I was crap in bed,she had cheated on me she says,I was a crap father,allsorts of nasty vile things spewed about me and I noticed her family distancing themselves from me.Then I went What the heck I am a nice guy and I don't deserve this.I noticed her sister would join in with her nasty games and figured she probably has a pd too and then I keep getting told by many people that the area I am now living in thanks to my ex is swarmed by women who are nut jobs .Feel like I am in a frigging movie sometimes watching out for blood suckers everywhere :D

As the months progressed she was painting me white again,buying me fathers day presents,saying daddy this daddy that to my son and daughter and charming me with things about our past.her posting songs declaring her love for me,or quotes saying stop holding on to people who clearly don't want to be with you etc etc.Hang on! back up,you kicked me out love not the other way round,I was begging on my knees for forgiveness for something I didn't do and you looked right through me.And I have declared my undying love since and you laughed at me and mocked me but now I aint playing ball you're playing the victim like I am the one who abandoned you? wow  

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

It really is bizarre. My exs have both done the painting white. My ex wife spent last summer wanting to spend time with me on the pretext of seeing our sons. My exgf had the whole family stand at the window waving bye when I dropped my son off. She also posted songs that could have been for me. I got a birthday card from her. It wasn't a loving message or anything but why bother.

I loved both of my exs with all my heart but after everything that has been done by them I will never go back to them. I deserve better than that. Im in no hurry to meet anyone. After all that has happened I actually feel whole. Maybe for the first time in my life. I didn't even realise that I wasn't whole until after going through everything I have.

I still cant get over how scarily similar your ex and my exgf are.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

It really is bizarre. My exs have both done the painting white. My ex wife spent last summer wanting to spend time with me on the pretext of seeing our sons. My exgf had the whole family stand at the window waving bye when I dropped my son off. She also posted songs that could have been for me. I got a birthday card from her. It wasn't a loving message or anything but why bother.

I loved both of my exs with all my heart but after everything that has been done by them I will never go back to them. I deserve better than that. Im in no hurry to meet anyone. After all that has happened I actually feel whole. Maybe for the first time in my life. I didn't even realise that I wasn't whole until after going through everything I have.

I still cant get over how scarily similar your ex and my exgf are.

haha the funny thing was I was telling my story to the lady cutting my hair who I have been going to for years and she was telling me about her mans exes and how he was based in Germany.Made me think of you .

Yeah I think for the first time in my life I am starting to really appreciate me and realise that it is myself who creates my own happiness not someone else.And especially someone who displayed that many red flags when we first got together.What the hell was I thinking? seems I have issues too if I am going to let someone like that in my life and then be so effected when it goes wrong like it did big time

[enlighten me]

You also need to remember that only you can make you unhappy as well.

It was a strange light bulb moment for me. I then thought back to friends who just seem to go through life shrugging off the bad stuff. I remember once in the army a group off us got torn into for something we had done wrong. I was quite devastated and really took it to heart one friend just shrugged it off and walked away giggling. I didn't understand how he could do this but now I realise that I have always strived to please and put too much emphasis on what people think of me. His I am who I am and you can like it or lump it attitude now makes complete sense.

[DestroyedKnight]

You also need to remember that only you can make you unhappy as well.

It was a strange light bulb moment for me. I then thought back to friends who just seem to go through life shrugging off the bad stuff. I remember once in the army a group off us got torn into for something we had done wrong. I was quite devastated and really took it to heart one friend just shrugged it off and walked away giggling. I didn't understand how he could do this but now I realise that I have always strived to please and put too much emphasis on what people think of me. His I am who I am and you can like it or lump it attitude now makes complete sense.

yep guilty as charged.I know for a fact I am mr nice guy,do anything to please anybody.Probably why my ex was so attracted to me in the first place.Some might say gullible .

I had the same thing kind of happen with me a few weeks back.Started my new job in a well known british supermarket on nights and I was doing my upmost to get the job permanently and trying to impress.Well every department is scored each morning on how well they are stocked,cleanliness etc.One night I got a score of 8 and then next I got a 7 but I worked equally hard if not harder on both nights but my god I took it to heart until my manager just casually turned around and said "ahh don't bother with the score,they are a load of bollocks" . Bit sensitive of me then haha

[enlighten me]

I found with my last job this work ethic was a double edge sword. Yes I got recognition but it made me the go to guy. Probably doubled my work load and meant others rather than pulling their weight were left to get away with slacking as it was easier for me to pick up the slack than deal with them.

As I was going through what I was I got to a point where I had enough. I pushed back and probably a lot harder than was good. I swung the other way for a time and stuck to only what I had to do. I became anti with some of my bosses as I had enough of every job being passed onto me. I probably didn't handle it as well as I should have.

In they end they got my point and started sharing the work out. Probably cast a shadow on me but not a big enough one for them not to want me again.

[DestroyedKnight]

I found with my last job this work ethic was a double edge sword. Yes I got recognition but it made me the go to guy. Probably doubled my work load and meant others rather than pulling their weight were left to get away with slacking as it was easier for me to pick up the slack than deal with them.

As I was going through what I was I got to a point where I had enough. I pushed back and probably a lot harder than was good. I swung the other way for a time and stuck to only what I had to do. I became anti with some of my bosses as I had enough of every job being passed onto me. I probably didn't handle it as well as I should have.

In they end they got my point and started sharing the work out. Probably cast a shadow on me but not a big enough one for them not to want me again.

Yeah there comes a point with me where I finally snap and speak up too,when I first started there the guy who was training me up was complaining that he does more work than all the other lads because our section is the biggest and is aggrieved that he gets paid the same as everyone else.Now I have a permanent contract,I too am the guy thinking the same thing .

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

[enlighten me]

Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.



What you have to bear in mind is that we are all individuals. You mention the direction she needs to take but this is only from your point of view. How many times have we all been given advice and not listened to it. It doesn't mean that the advice was bad it just means that it didn't meet with what we wanted to do.

I could tell you to do this or do that but would you do it?

[DestroyedKnight]

Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.



What you have to bear in mind is that we are all individuals. You mention the direction she needs to take but this is only from your point of view. How many times have we all been given advice and not listened to it. It doesn't mean that the advice was bad it just means that it didn't meet with what we wanted to do.

I could tell you to do this or do that but would you do it?

spot on mate I fully agree.I keep saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.I have fast learned that I can't control her actions,all I can take resposibility is for myself which is why sitting here today I feel much more stronger and able to counteract the BPD unlike I was in the beginning.I am fast learning that she does not respond well to no response and will often retaliate if I kick off with her like I did last night .So the simple answer is 'I don't anymore'.If she wants me out of her life which she said many times then so be it,but then don't keep texting me every couple of days with a random question asking for assistance or coming up with some nonsense about my kids to get a reaction from me because if she carries on the way she is going I will get a new phone and blank her out of my life completely.

She can't have it both ways.Shortly after the split she resorted to drinking alcohol (probably to block out the pain).I babysat my children at her house one night and I was still very much in a state of shock.Now bearing in mind she told me she does not love me anymore and was telling me she was involved with someone else off the internet my head was cabbaged.Then before she goes out on the town she turns to me,looks at me lovingly and then leans in for a full blown passionate kiss then when she gets home has sex with me.Tried that a month later and she pushed me away.It is and was so confusing

[Take2]

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

Addiction became a huge factor in how I wound up begging an abusive man with BPD to stay with me in a relationship over and over.  Love addiction.  It's not a joke.  The brain does reward itself from the push/pull behavior.  You wind up trying over and over to please this person who part of the time is giving you the best love in the world and then the other part of the time is cutting out your heart.  Long after the mask fell, I still couldn't walk away from this guy.

He was brutal to me.  Truly truly awful in the end.  And yet I begged for it practically by staying.  It made NO sense on my part at all to beg to treated so badly.  It felt like love.  It still feels like it was the love of my life. But I'm far enough removed from it FINALLY to know that the addiction was at work for me.  That doesn't mean it wasn't also love I guess.  Just means I had (and still have) a lot of work to do on myself... .  time and distance are a good thing!