is she baiting me?

[enlighten me]

Sounds like you are at a key turning point.

Her games you are now noticing. Your no longer wanting to be the white knight an come running. You realise your not responsible for her actions and have no control over them.

Your priorities are changing to you and the kids. She has dropped down the pecking order from being number one to number three.

[DestroyedKnight]

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

Addiction became a huge factor in how I wound up begging an abusive man with BPD to stay with me in a relationship over and over.  Love addiction.  It's not a joke.  The brain does reward itself from the push/pull behavior.  You wind up trying over and over to please this person who part of the time is giving you the best love in the world and then the other part of the time is cutting out your heart.  Long after the mask fell, I still couldn't walk away from this guy.

He was brutal to me.  Truly truly awful in the end.  And yet I begged for it practically by staying.  It made NO sense on my part at all to beg to treated so badly.  It felt like love.  It still feels like it was the love of my life. But I'm far enough removed from it FINALLY to know that the addiction was at work for me.  That doesn't mean it wasn't also love I guess.  Just means I had (and still have) a lot of work to do on myself... .  time and distance are a good thing!  

Thanks Take2. I think the addiction side comes from wanting things to be how they used to be and possibly sparking that charming loving young woman back to life again but it is a fight I am losing day by day.All I am doing is going on with my life,hoping she might see the light.Now of late there have been small glimpses and she has told me she plans to see a doctor but then the nonsense about the doc saying she should speak with her mum and then a couple of night back the sincere apology telling me she should never have kicked me out and keeping me dangling after I said "I wish you could find the courage to tell me,maybe one day" and she replied "you never know what's around the corner".I am being fed scraps and dangling carrots while she gets with the first bloke who shows her the slightest bit of interest.Is that all I am worth? no I don't believe I am.

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

And I fully agree with the time and distance.Although she now lives 2 minutes around the corner from me and no doubt any day soon I will probably bump into her as I live slap bang in the centre of town where the shops are .

[DestroyedKnight]

Sounds like you are at a key turning point.

Her games you are now noticing. Your no longer wanting to be the white knight an come running. You realise your not responsible for her actions and have no control over them.

Your priorities are changing to you and the kids. She has dropped down the pecking order from being number one to number three.

Yeah so much so that for the last hour she has upped her game to now accusing me of saying things to my son which are totally untrue and threatening me saying I am lucky she has not stopped me from seeing them after the things our son comes out with.I know these are lies because I have not said a word to him about her other than explaining why myself and her do not hug and kiss anymore but I did it in a grown up calm way like any father would do.Now bearing in mind I have a text message on my phone from her saying "I would never take your kids away from you because I know they are your world" I have just reminded her of this and she has shut up for now.Also accusing me of money being more important than my kids but what she doesn't realise is when you are kicked out of your own home with nowhere to live,houses/flats,money don't just fall out of the sky.Well they do for her because she gets benefits .

Looks like I could be going to court soon and this being very costly

[enlighten me]

I would start gathering evidence.

This may sound harsh but if it comes to court you want to be prepared for any wild allegations.

I made the mistake with my ex wife of thinking she would amiable during the divorce. I spent a fortune defending against wild allegations that she would drop before it came to court. By this time though I had already had the lawyer send several letters countering them.

Do you have any record of her saying these things?

It might be worth getting a Dictaphone and switch it on every time you see her.

[DestroyedKnight]

I would start gathering evidence.

This may sound harsh but if it comes to court you want to be prepared for any wild allegations.

I made the mistake with my ex wife of thinking she would amiable during the divorce. I spent a fortune defending against wild allegations that she would drop before it came to court. By this time though I had already had the lawyer send several letters countering them.

Do you have any record of her saying these things?

It might be worth getting a Dictaphone and switch it on every time you see her.

I have numerous text messages still on my phone from her saying she is bat ___ crazy and like I said in previous posts saying she should never have kicked me out.Also saying she would never take my children away from me because they are my world and every message since then has been logged including the threats. Basically she is saying my son has relayed back to her that I said she probably has a certain number of six nations rugby teams in her house when I never said anything of the sort and also saying he has been telling her allsorts of things I have meant to have told him which are lies.Knowing what she is capable of she could put anything into that poor childs head so god knows what is going to happen in the coming weeks.

I feel like yet again because I am not reacting to her how she expects in regards to her having a new man in her life she is kicking off like only a child would and using every trick in the book

[DestroyedKnight]

oh in and in regards to the dictaphone,there will be no need for that because I have taken face to face enounters with her out of the equation because I have told her to drop the children with her mother from now on so she is obviously clutching at straws trying to create more drama.

It had been relayed back to me through a mutual friend that she was really kicking off on her fb last night at 9pm around about the time I was telling you about her texts accusing me of giving my son food poisoning.So I took to fb for the first time in a long time and warned her that unless she wants me to post all her texts she has recently sent me I suggest she stops with her bullsh*t and she swiftly removed the post I was told

[enlighten me]

I hope the rugby teams werent the pacific islanders. Some of those Tongans and Fijians are huge 

I kept all communication to email or text. It calmed my ex wife down knowing it could be read. Its good that you have removed face to face from the equation as you cant be accused of threatening her.

[DestroyedKnight]

I hope the rugby teams werent the pacific islanders. Some of those Tongans and Fijians are huge  

I kept all communication to email or text. It calmed my ex wife down knowing it could be read. Its good that you have removed face to face from the equation as you cant be accused of threatening her.

haha no 3 of the six nations rugby teams and not my home country was mentioned in there which I was mightily disappointed about  . This really is bizarre behavior mate,like i said last night.She has got a new supply now so why the hell is she coming at me with all this nonsense?.

I feel like this whole thing is all just a massive game to her.Couple of weeks ago her status on fb read "just call me Freddie" as in the nightmare on elm street character.A week later I see this bloke setting his relationship status as seeing my ex and all the while I am not reacting to anything

is the little child throwing her dummy out of her cot by any chance? did I mention I love her?

[enlighten me]

I think you may have mentioned you love her 

Yes it is odd and does come across as very childish. What her end game is I couldn't say an maybe she cant either.

[shatra]

Enlighten me wrote--

   Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears.

------Correct. The new supply will likely get the same treatment  that we did.  Curious--how would the BPD devaluing the partner trigger abandonment fears in the BPD?

[shatra]

Knight wrote---

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

------Mine told me to "find someone better than" him, but I wonder how he would feel if I do so?  Would yours be upset and jealous if you meet someone?

----Sounds like things are not so rosy with your ex's new partner. Would you be able to get past the upset feelings of her being with him now, if she returns to you in the future?

[DestroyedKnight]

Knight wrote---

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

------Mine told me to "find someone better than" him, but I wonder how he would feel if I do so?  Would yours be upset and jealous if you meet someone?

----Sounds like things are not so rosy with your ex's new partner. Would you be able to get past the upset feelings of her being with him now, if she returns to you in the future?

The distinct impression I get from all this right now is she is using this guy as a way to get to me.Either she is with him for real and she is using him in some sick triangulation to get me back in the game which I have not been playing.Or she had told him to update his fb to reflect she is in a relationship.Considering she is spending alot of time focusing her attention on me and taking to fb yet again I would suggest the latter but either way I do not care now. When I love somebody like I do her,I don't go off with someone else and I am sure many rational normal people don't on this forum so her actions are just making me sick rather than making me love her.

The treatment I got at the beginning of our relationship was love bombing with red flags thrown into the mix and a touch of drama and lies but I ignored all of it.Then things were normal and loving for many years with numerous talks of our marriage and her saying I was her soulmate and she never wanted to lose me.Always saying "if we split up I hope we remain friends" which I found very strange and would often say we are not going to split up so why do you keep saying that.I know now! . I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state".My main concern right now is my children and I think she knows this which is why she is playing hard ball yet again because I refuse to play her games

[shatra]

 Knight wrote---

I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state"

-----So he is clearly several steps "below" you----she may have chosen someone who is likely to put up with her and is not likely to abandon her... .so if she returns to you, you would be able to get past this, the fact that she is with him right now instead of you?

-----How would she react if you go out with someone else----would she be jealous?

[DestroyedKnight]

Knight wrote---

I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state"

-----So he is clearly several steps "below" you----she may have chosen someone who is likely to put up with her and is not likely to abandon her... .so if she returns to you, you would be able to get past this, the fact that she is with him right now instead of you?

-----How would she react if you go out with someone else----would she be jealous?

I don't think many people would put up with the things I went through with her if they are ugly or not.I witnessed some seriously mad stuff in the 9 yrs.Running off to her mothers house in another country because she was in a state of panic because I started a new job.I hardly ever went out,I don't drink or do drugs and this guy does so he'll be in the pub and she is going to just love that .

I was never ever going to adandon her no matter how much her head tells her otherwise and if she returns to me yeah I could forgive her for being with him right now because I made a mistake and went with someone else after the split but with the way she had messed my head up I was all over the place

[enlighten me]

When a pwBPD meets someone its not about looks or money its about getting their supply met. A lot of the times they appear to have got a downgrade but that's based on our values and not theirs.

Sometimes a downgrade gives them what they need as they are held in higher esteem by tem. The she's so beautiful and way out of my league Im so lucky mentality kicks in. Because of this they are sometimes willing to go out of their way to please.

[DestroyedKnight]

When a pwBPD meets someone its not about looks or money its about getting their supply met. A lot of the times they appear to have got a downgrade but that's based on our values and not theirs.

Sometimes a downgrade gives them what they need as they are held in higher esteem by tem. The she's so beautiful and way out of my league Im so lucky mentality kicks in. Because of this they are sometimes willing to go out of their way to please.

yeah I completely get that but what if a pwBPD is with a not so ugly guy with a heart of the gold and that guy was forever buying her flowers,telling how beautiful she was,that he loved her and she never believed a single word I said,so will the same apply to the new bloke? no matter how much he does all these things and even more so because he really wants to keep hold of her she will sabotage it eventually anyway or then the enmeshment kicks in?

[enlighten me]

The cycle repeats until the pwBPD is willing to break it.

What she gets from someone that is attractive and has money will give her a different set of feelings than an ugly broke guy.

With the first her fear of abandonment may be the primary emotion that drives her.

With the later her sense of being able to do better could drive her.

You will probably have seen with your ex her flip flop with what she wants. These unstable feelings are what drive them.

[DestroyedKnight]

The cycle repeats until the pwBPD is willing to break it.

What she gets from someone that is attractive and has money will give her a different set of feelings than an ugly broke guy.

With the first her fear of abandonment may be the primary emotion that drives her.

With the later her sense of being able to do better could drive her.

You will probably have seen with your ex her flip flop with what she wants. These unstable feelings are what drive them.

Seen it many times.Always wanting something new,i.e driving lessons,new pet,new hobby and all these things never lasted long.was almost like she was trying to get a quick fix.Maybe this is the same with the new guy.I just don't know how she managed to stay with me for nearly 9 years before she blew.And I know she is now stalking me

so the apology the other day was just a way to keep me on the back burner just in case things with the new guy fizzle out I take it?. It seemed very sincere and especially with her admitting she is bats**t crazy and that she should have talked to me.But what did she want me to do? because I know how this goes now.I go running round there to sweep her off her feet,maybe end up in bed with her and then she pushes me away again

[enlighten me]

The problem I had with my exs is I didn't hear what they were saying. I listened but what she was saying was hidden.

For instance her saying she was bat s crazy could have been her way of trying to tell you she cant help what she does so you should move on. It could have just been her saying it as an explanation of her behaviour.

Its hard to hear what they are truly saying as they mix it up and don't express and think they said it when they didn't.

It doesn't help us end the confusion just knowing they have a PD.

Whats more important is whether you want to deal with that anymore.

[DestroyedKnight]

The problem I had with my exs is I didn't hear what they were saying. I listened but what she was saying was hidden.

For instance her saying she was bat s crazy could have been her way of trying to tell you she cant help what she does so you should move on. It could have just been her saying it as an explanation of her behaviour.

Its hard to hear what they are truly saying as they mix it up and don't express and think they said it when they didn't.

It doesn't help us end the confusion just knowing they have a PD.

Whats more important is whether you want to deal with that anymore.

Her actual words were (I have them saved for proof because that apology has been long overdue ). "I should have spoke and not just kick you out,talking is not my strong point,more bottle it up until it gets bad then it all comes out or sends me bat sh*t crazy b*tch". Even saying she should never have acted out like she has been doing and admitting that she has done and said some nasty things.Now whilst I heard all that,I also thought at the same time.They are just words and no action,so it is all well and good texting me an apology but the things she has put me through will stay with me until I die.

If she seeks help then yes definitely.I already told her if that is the path she chooses to take then she will have me in her corner fighting with her every step of the way or carry on repeating the cycle and then find out I am not there when it all goes Pete Tong

[enlighten me]

Interesting that in her apology she never says sorry.

[DestroyedKnight]

Interesting that in her apology she never says sorry.

sorry yeah she did

"I have said I have done nasty things and I don't and won't deny that and no you didn't deserve it either and for that I am sorry.You had been there through everything when we were together and still was even after we wasn't and it should have been different and not me acting out this way so I am sorry and really do mean it and not just saying it to you"

So she said sorry twice,but as to what she wants to come of that apology is anybodys guess really.Maybe she just wants to make herself feel better or take some guilt away

[HappyNihilist]

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