Dealing with psychopathology of being a child of borderline

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Reading the list of qualities of a borderline child has been a difficult experience. I read it out loud to my wife who thought i might have bipolar disorder that I wasn't taking seriously.

I have manic/hyper episodes where I talk to much, am performative, say inappropriate things. I put my foot in my mouth, I say too much and ask too much. Boundary issues.

I feel out of control, depressed, so angry at life and all its responsibilities and demands. Anyone relate?

[verticalblind]

Reading the list of qualities of a borderline child has been a difficult experience. I read it out loud to my wife who thought i might have bipolar disorder that I wasn't taking seriously.

I have manic/hyper episodes where I talk to much, am performative, say inappropriate things. I put my foot in my mouth, I say too much and ask too much. Boundary issues.

I feel out of control, depressed, so angry at life and all its responsibilities and demands. Anyone relate?

[BPDFamily]

Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology




Read article here

[Kwamina]

Hi verticalblind

Thanks for this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily

Being the child of a BPD parent can be quite difficult indeed. Many of us have experienced that too and will be able to relate to you.

In your other post you mention your mother being uBPD. Could you tell us a bit more about your childhood with your uBPD mother? What were the things that you found most difficult to deal with?

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with certain issues such as depression and anxiety in their adult lives as a result of their difficult childhood. In the right-hand side margin of this message board you can find the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now? Are there specific steps or areas listed that you currently find yourself working on or perhaps struggling with?

I also encourage you to read through some of the other material we have here. I've selected some resources that I think you might find helpful:

How BPD parents affect their children

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Take care

[verticalblind]

I found out my mother is BPD this year at age 30. I had no idea. My childhood was unstable, but I was manipulated to believe it was good. I had a happy childhood. I spent most of my time at other people's houses. My mother married 3 times. My mother was extremely irritable, she would slap me for laughing too hard or making childish noises. Probably 3-5 times this happened. Not so bad. I had terrible temper tantrums and mood swings as early as I can remember.

All my life even through therapy for the last 5 years, I thought that was my fault. I thought I just wasn't strong enough. I felt lonely, different, left out, like I was rewriting the world every day all of my life. I wanted to be liked, I was desperate to fit in. That was my childhood. Where there was a will there was a way to be who everyone wanted me to be.

My mother is suicidal, charming, moody, generous, the life of the party, horribly depressed, an utter victim, a powerhouse, hates labels and definitions and accusations. Guilt is the emotion that makes her most angry.

What I struggle with today. I struggle with mood regulation and enjoying life. I have suicidal thoughts constantly and am working on stopping. Its so hard to rewrite that pattern in my mind. I have trouble with commitment. I am instable and a selfish partner. I am needy and want too much attention. I am working on it.

What has helped so far: I am in cognitive behavioral therapy, i write lists to remind myself of what I would like to tell myself in hard times, I practice some mindfulness and self-compassion, kindness, soothing. I wrote down a morning routine checklist. Minimizing decision making has helped me a lot. I repeat, "this is my quiet time," when I want attention in the morning while my wife is asleep. I try to gather peace this way. My cat helps. Dance class helps, exercise. Its very good to be part of a community like this.

The list of attributes of a child of a BPD parent was incredibly eye-opening. I could relate to every single one.

I have not spoken to my mother for one year since she threatened to kill herself on my visit to her with my wife. We took in my mentally ill cousin on this vacation which she saw as a betrayal because she was supposed to be taking care of her. My cousin was anorexic, bulimic, and had other issues, that made my mother unfit to take care of her. When we left for New York my cousin took a bunch of pills in attempt of killing herself. She called me right away and we called the hospital. My mother told my cousin's sister that my wife was part of the reason she attempted to kill herself. She villainized my wife over the course of years. It was so painful. So I stopped speaking to her. Now after a year of terrible emails from her and texts where she would tell me I was nailing her coffin with each day I ignored her, she wrote me an email saying she is in therapy and wants a relationship. This year I have learned just how ___ed up my childhood was. My step father has not stepped up to help us resolve this. I have been very depressed feeling like it was all on me to make things right. My biological father died in the spring, in the coffin text, my mother reluctantly apologized for the loss of this man I never knew. It has been a tough year, but right now I feel good.

I am afraid of restarting communication with her. How do I know she won't just turn on me again? What is the best way to begin a careful relationship with boundaries?

[Kwamina]

Hi again verticalbind

I am sorry you lost your biological dad this year. That is a strange experience to have to go through when you never even knew him.

Dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts isn't easy. I am glad you have a therapist and are in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). That form of therapy has been proven to be effective for treating depression. The resource in my previous post about automatic negative thoughts, also deals with CBT.

It's very unfortunate that your mother has suicidal tendencies and you also have a cousin who has made an actual suicide attempt. That's a whole lot for you to deal with. How is your cousin doing now?

As far as communicating with your mother, having firm boundaries will indeed be very important to help protect yourself. Here is some information about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

You can read more here: Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

I also encourage you to take a look at some of the specialized communications techniques described on this website such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. The S.E.T. techniques can help you express yourself in a way that (potentially) minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you getting through to your mother. The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique can help you assert yourself. Here are some excerpts from workshops on these techniques:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner/parent/child etc. is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more here:

Express yourself: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

I hope this is of some help to you.

[Skip]

This year I have learned just howed up my childhood was. My step father has not stepped up to help us resolve this. I have been very depressed feeling like it was all on me to make things right. My biological father died in the spring, in the coffin text, my mother reluctantly apologized for the loss of this man I never knew. It has been a tough year, but right now I feel good.

Finally realizing that your grew up in a dysfunctional home is what we call as breakthrough crisis (click on #1 in the right margin).  In many ways it is the start of your healing process.

Maybe before jumping back and making yourself vulnerable, it might help to start working through the steps - grasp your wound (1-7) and mourn it (8-14). Get right with yourself so that you can engage without becoming enmeshed or further wounded.  This is good for you and for her.

In the meantime, you can start making overtures to more contact - take it slowly.

You mentioned values/boundaries… as an adult, were (how) does your mother overstep.  What is it that you need protection from?

[Auslaunder]

Hi vertical blind,

My eldest brother developed numerous psychiatric problems throughout his life. He had ADHD and Conduct Disorder, Depression, Childhood Bipolar and Anorexia all before turning 18. All of these are much more common in children raised in abusive homes and I feel angry sometimes that my father may have caused my brother so much suffering. Im very glad you are getting the therapy and treatment you need. I want to point out though that my father abused my brother more because he had psychiatric problems which certainly worsened them, although all BPD may not do this. I am concerned about you restarting communication with your mother when you are suicidal. There is no way to have a relationship with her that she will not vilify your wife or your commendable actions to help your cousin or find some other way to be hurtful. Boundaries don't ever fully protect us from the things that they say. We can detach from the relationship with them, but sometimes it is still very stressful. I have dysautonommia. My nervous system has trouble controlling my heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, blood sugar, ect. I've found myself no longer able to handle my father's behavior because my body's response to stress is greatly heightened. I hope in the future I will have my health problems under better control and can restart communication. Right now I'm going to therapy and learning about BPD so that when I do feel ready to talk to him, I will have the tools I need to make the relationship less antagonistic. How did you feel when you were in contact with your mother? Do you think that stress is something you are able to handle right now?