My Father has BPD, and I was wondering how I treat him?

[FrankieRaven]

   So, I know my father has BPD, and that he has been diagnosed for almost my whole life. I've gone to counseling enough times to know why my father says and does things, but I've been struggling with another issue. How do I treat him?

  My father has been verbally and emotion abusive to me my whole life. As I get older, I am starting to see it more and more. I feel this urge to defend myself, but whenever I do, the situation just gets worse. Then, when he is in a happy mood, I don't want to hang out with him. I don't want to hug him, or tell him I love him. Every time one of these happier situations come up, I remember all the horrible things he's said to me and I can't be nice to him.

   Now, he's started to notice me giving him the cold shoulder recently. He gets angry with me, and is passive aggressive all the time. He makes comment about how I don't love him. I feel that this is soon going to blow up in my face. I have no idea what to do. I don't think I love my father, but I really don't want to get screamed at for not being nice enough to him. What should I do?

[Turkish]

Hi FrankieRaven,

Thanks for joining us.

Some of what you write resonates with me. Part of it may be parental loyalty, part trying to understand (though like on a treadmill). It can be hard to let go of resentments. Over 15 years after I moved out, my mom once said that the only time she "may" have abused me was when she was raging at me so badly that I fell to the ground in a seizure. Ya think?

It sounds like you have a lot of contact with your dad. How close do you live, and what's the contact situation like?

We can help support you on setting healthy boundaries (see here, for example) and help you balance what's healthy for you. Parents with BPD can see their children as extensions of themselves, and we can fall into a dynamif of feeling responsible for their feelings (since they often can't control them, and look to an outside source to soothe). It's unhealthy and damaging, but you'll find people here who can relate.



Turkish

[FrankieRaven]

 Thanks for replying Turkish,

    My living situation with my dad is 100% of the time. I am still underage, and can't move out until I go to college. Occasionally he goes on a business trip, but that's the only time he isn't home. My parents are still married, and have been married for 16 years. I live in the house with my family.

   My whole family is constantly verbally and emotionally abused by him. However, I am the only person who calls it that. Everyone in the house just says that Dad's in one of his "moods".

   Going back to my original post, my mother tells me quite frequently that I should be nicer to him. I don't think that mother believes that there is anything severely wrong with their relationship, even though she was with him when he was diagnosed. My mother has told me that she won't divorce him until he becomes physically abusive.

  I personally want more boundaries and wish to not have a close relationship with my father. I just really wish for him to understand why I don't want that close of a relationship with him. I feel like that would just not be healthy for me.

                                                           FrankieRaven

[Turkish]

Hi FrankieRaven,

It's one thing to respect a parent as an authority, but it's another to be told how to feel. That's invalidation. Many of us growing up with parents with BPD were invalidated similarly either implicitly or explicitly (like my Ex being told by her mom to leave it alone when her dad was attacking her mom).

Often, we can feed off of the bad and mirror it back to the pwBPD (or anybody) in our lives. It's a two-way street. Now that I have little kids, I see it from the other side. Take a look a the lessons here. They can help deal with high-conflict people.

Unfortunately, the board guidelines here require that members be 18 years of age to participate in discussions. Here are some resources which can help connect you with those who may be dealing with similar situations.

www.teenhelp.org


This one looks good, too: Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

After you turn 18, you are certainly welcome to come back and participate to continue your story.

Take Care,

Turkish

p.s. you can always lurk and read through the lessons