Wrecking Ball

[Agent_of_Chaos]

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain

We jumped never asking why

We kissed, I fell under your spell.

A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie, running for my life

I will always want you

CHORUS:

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky

And now, you're not coming down

It slowly turned, you let me burn

And now, we're ashes on the ground

REPEAT CHORUS

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should've let you win

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

I guess I should've let you win

REPEAT CHORUS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8dSiyWIfEo

I know, I know, this song was originally sung by Miley Cyrus.  I included a link to the version I prefer at the bottom.  I'm not sure why but I feel empowered by this song.  When I first began my journey to healing I was consumed by the fact my ex was riddled with this awful disorder.  In a sense I think that masked my ability to think clearly.  I was so consumed with the BPD aspect of it I never really considered the magnitude of destruction she had left behind.  Sure I posted about it but I never really sat there and thought about what this person I loved so deeply did to me with the greatest of ease.  I was giving her a pass.  I think in order to fully heal I needed to explore every facet of the relationship.  As much as I was trying to deflect the pain and blame it solely on her BPD, I needed to come to grips with the role she played in it.   I don't know if I can really put into words the depth of the pain.  I am sure most of you if not all feel the same way.

      I am a year out of my relationship and while I feel like i've made progress (elaborate in a later post) I still have moments of weakness.  I was so innocent when I entered this relationship.  I loved unconditionally, I gave selflessly, I literally tried to break her walls down.  I wanted her to see that if no one else I would stand by her side.  All of her flaws and shortcomings, it never mattered.  Together we could get through anything.  I closed my eyes and dived in head first.

     None of that mattered because here I am on a friday night posting on a message board about my grief.  Not that I don't thoroughly enjoy the company;-)  She's out there dating, laughing, and doing whatever.  I know I know it shouldn't matter because she will never have a life of happiness.  I get that but in this moment I'm envious.  I'm envious of her being able to flip that switch and tune everything out. 

The tone at which this version of the song makes me feel my pain but remain empowered. I immerse myself  in the tone at which it is sung and allow the lyrics to be my truth.  They are my story.  They are my reality.  I may not be as far in my healing progress as I would like to be but I'm trying. 

[SGraham]

Im sorry to hear you are hurting agent. It's good thou that you found a song that you can identify with yet have it still empower you. I think it's always good to have an anthem of sorts when dealing with emotional pain. My personal anthems after my BPDexgf broke up with me have been "walk on" by U2, "somebody that i used to know" by Gotye, and "beautifull pain" by eminem ft. Sia. That is the true beauty of music, its relatability. Hang in there bud, were all there with ya.

Best wishes,

SG

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Im sorry to hear you are hurting agent. It's good thou that you found a song that you can identify with yet have it still empower you. I think it's always good to have an anthem of sorts when dealing with emotional pain. My personal anthems after my BPDexgf broke up with me have been "walk on" by U2, "somebody that i used to know" by Gotye, and "beautifull pain" by eminem ft. Sia. That is the true beauty of music, its relatability. Hang in there bud, were all there with ya.

Best wishes,

SG

  Thank you SG.  Music plays an instrumental role in my healing. (see what I did there?   I feel like music provides the emotion connection that I need to find comfort in my despair if that makes sense.

       When my relationship ended I was so consumed and fixated on the BPD.  I was absolving my ex of everything b/c of this disorder.  For so long I buried the pain, actions, and reality of my break up.  I never wanted to see her in the light that she needed to be seen.  This song allows me to do that.  All I wanted to do was love her.  Simply love her and have this amazing future.  Instead she treated me like I was nothing more than a piece of garbage on the ground at the end.  She took and took and took while I gave and gave and gave.  I need to see her for who she is b/c the disorder was only a part of her.

   How sad is it we spend our lives looking for love and when we think we've finally found someone worthy of it they smash it in our face. 

[blissful_camper]

I had many weekends like that too.  I know what it's like to feel as though you may not be as far along in the healing process as you envisioned for yourself at one year out.  I thought about that as well a year out of the r/s and felt that I wasn't as far along as I wanted to be.  At times, it felt like a limbo-state to me, but the in-between space is a place where the magic happens within ourselves (healing, growth, change).  

Goyte's, "Somebody I used to know" brought me to tears after the b/u.  It's a beautiful song. (It was also one that was in heavy rotation on radio during a vacation with my ex)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

I related to Sia's "Breathe Me" which can have so many different meanings but for me is a song about pain and continually exposing oneself to painful and self-destructive experiences in life.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y

"Voices Carry" a song about an abusive controlling partner and the abused standing up for herself/leaving, empowered me.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uejh-bHa4To

U2's music has always inspired, educated, or lifted me emotionally in some way.  I watched Anton Corbijn's vintage movie footage of the band when I returned to my home turf.  Magical... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ZlbCmjr08

Have faith and hang in there.  

[HappyNihilist]

Agent of Chaos, don't worry - those rough times are normal. It takes a while to heal. I wasn't as far along as I'd hoped at one year out, either. The important thing is that you've made and continue to make progress.  

Music plays an instrumental role in my healing. (see what I did there?  I feel like music provides the emotion connection that I need to find comfort in my despair if that makes sense.

Well played.  And I agree, music is such an emotional comfort.

I have an eclectic taste in music, and different songs got me through different phases. I would listen to Katy Perry and Pink when I needed to feel girly-powerful. I listened to songs like Kanye West's "Runaway," John Lennon's "Jealous Guy," the Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb," and VAST's "Pretty When You Cry" when I felt the urge to 'enter' my exbf's head.

I actually have a playlist devoted to codependency, and it contains 72 songs. Phil Collins, Dusty Springfield, Fleetwood Mac, and Amy Winehouse feature prominently. When I needed to scream out my codependency, I turned to Dramarama's "Anything, Anything" and Big Brother & the Holding Company's "Piece of My Heart."

blissful_camper, I spent hours singing along to "Voices Carry" and crying while driving.

There are still maybe 3-4 songs that I can't listen to, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to (and I'm ok with it if I'm not). They were songs that were very important and meaningful in our relationship. One of them is by an artist whom I absolutely adore, and I've loved this particular song for decades, but it's also the one that I'm almost positive I can't ever listen to again. Oh well... .I treasure the memories for their importance and beauty at the time, and accept that there are some things I'll never fully heal from.

[AG]

Your post resonates with me very much especially the tune out portion. I started a new post because of it I have been struggling with the tune out thing lately. Happy that you are progressing in your journey. I don't have many answers as I don't really trust my own opinion much these days but just wanted to say your post helped a bit in not feeling alone. Thanks for sharing

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Your post resonates with me very much especially the tune out portion. I started a new post because of it I have been struggling with the tune out thing lately. Happy that you are progressing in your journey. I don't have many answers as I don't really trust my own opinion much these days but just wanted to say your post helped a bit in not feeling alone. Thanks for sharing

I think it's imperative that even though we may feel it, there are many others going through the same exact emotions that we are.  I'm glad my post could comfort you.  I'm not progressing at the pace I'd like mainly b/c while I'm a year out my ex has reared her head 5-6x.  The blame falls on me as well.  The longest bout of N/C was 60 days.  Those 60 days I made some serious progress.  I am struggling with the future mainly.  Being able to envision my life without her is a struggle.  We had so many hopes, dreams etc.  Being intimate is also a big struggle.  I'm not ready yet.  Heres to hopin.

To the others sharing music, thank you!  I love it.  I too  have songs that are just off limits.  I have been able to allow some on my play list once again but there are some that are huge triggers.    Sometimes music just allows me to have a good cry.  I've spent the better part of the past year crying daily and that has drastically decreased.  I may have a break down a couple times a month but it isn't b/c I miss her. 

[Tangy]

Hey thanks for this thread

I have loved the song "waterbaby" by the sneaker pimps since I was a sophomore in HS. Never did I realize it would come to describe the person I have loved more than anyone... .

"I wash the streets from your skin when you come home"

"You wash my trace from your skin and you leave again... ."

[enlighten me]

Numb by linkin park was my recovery anthem. I changed my ringtone to it.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

I don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

[Chorus]

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

And every second I waste is more than I can take!

[Chorus]

And I know I may end up failing too

But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

So many lines that I can relate to. By becoming this all I want to do, Is be more like me and be less like you

This one really struck a chord.

[willtimeheal]

Agent,

I am a year out also. Your post hit home. I too have good days and bad. I think about who I was all those years ago when we first met and how trusting and naive I was. Now six years later I am nothing like that person. I have changed so much. In good ways and in ways I thought I never would... .I don't trust as easily and I am afraid to fall again. And at times I doubt myself. Those are the things  I still struggle with.

As far as music I never thought Kelly Clarkson would be the one but Catch My Breath became my comeback song. Just that reminder to breathe is sometimes all. we need. Hang in there.

[outside9x]

Yep, it's still a work in progress for me, doing better, but just heard from her today (text)  I got to stop that.  No I never will go back, but to allow this is like ripping off the band aids.  I know the score so well, and the feelings, you feel, we all do.

My songs that help were two. 1.  "Counting Stars",(By ONE REPUBLIC) the words were so true, : I feel so right doing the wrong thing",  I feel so wrong, doing the right thing!  I could lie, couldn't I, couldn't I?  Every thing that kills me makes me feel alive.



The other is Taylor Swift, "Blank Space", which if you look on any the boards pretty much covers a BPD in a song I ever heard.

Good luck to all of us!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Can I get in on this song posting thread?

"Build Me Up, Break Me Down" (Dream Theater)

Today I will be your savior

Tomorrow a demon

You crave my erratic behavior

And watch my every move

Obsession at all cost

You'll be the death of me

Broken and torn apart

Why can't you let me be

You build me up

You break me down

Until I'm falling to pieces

I crash and burn I never learn

I'm your guilty addiction

Build me up

Break me down

Tonight I am the new messiah

You deify

When I'm no longer desired

I'll be crucified

The one who's free from sin

The first to cast the stone

Fighting the fear within

I won't be left alone

You build me up

You break me down

Until I'm falling to pieces

The price I pay

To live this way

And the fantasy stays alive

I can't live up I can't let down

And leave you falling to pieces

I crash and burn

I never learn

I'm your morbid obsession.

Build me up

Break me down

You build me up

You break me down

Until I'm falling to pieces

The price I pay

To live this way

And the fantasy stays alive

I can't live up I can't let down

And leave you falling to pieces

I crash and burn

I never learn

Your iconic fixation

Build me up

Break me down

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hey thanks for this thread

I have loved the song "waterbaby" by the sneaker pimps since I was a sophomore in HS. Never did I realize it would come to describe the person I have loved more than anyone... .

"I wash the streets from your skin when you come home"

"You wash my trace from your skin and you leave again... ."

No problem.  Those are some really powerful lyrics.  Heartbreaking.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Yep, it's still a work in progress for me, doing better, but just heard from her today (text)  I got to stop that.  No I never will go back, but to allow this is like ripping off the band aids.  I know the score so well, and the feelings, you feel, we all do.

My songs that help were two. 1.  "Counting Stars",(By ONE REPUBLIC) the words were so true, : I feel so right doing the wrong thing",  I feel so wrong, doing the right thing!  I could lie, couldn't I, couldn't I?  Every thing that kills me makes me feel alive.



The other is Taylor Swift, "Blank Space", which if you look on any the boards pretty much covers a BPD in a song I ever heard.

Good luck to all of us!

I couldn't have said it better myself.  It is continuously like ripping off a band aid.  Thank you everyone for the songs... .i'll have to check them out.  Some of them I know and you are right, they fit the situation to a T.  It's amazing how if all else fails we can turn to music to understand us.  Sometimes it provides clarity in the fog, even if it hurts.