Seperated from BPD spouse

[JoeD]

Today is my 18th Wedding Aniv. Unfortunately we are seperated. We have been now for about 10 months, although I was in the same house until 3 months ago. I always new my wife had issues, but 3 1/2 years ago she started menopause. Everything just started spinning out of control. I watched her start to withdraw away from me. I kept thinking she would snap out of it, but it just got worse. It greatly affected the children, three teenage boys and a pre-teen girl. I of course just kept doing what I always did, which was basically take care of everything.She would do her part, as far as she was concerned. That meant the wash and occ. cleaning. Our children and I were never a priorty, but it got worse during this time. Things got worse last year while my father was dying of cancer. She had to have elective surgery on her foot, it could not wait. Of course it couldn't, she only worries about herself. One day I am told we were divorcing, the next day she is calling me Hon, and making me dinner, trying to sit with me. I became so distraught I could barely work and couldn't even be a good father to my children. Of course this is a short version of the end of a relationship. The distance, detachment. Sold her diamond wedding ring so she could by clothes, a lot of clothes. Then she started telling me how I was/am abusive. Changing stories around to fit her thoughts. She went to a domestic violence center to complain about me, but of course we have never had a incident. She has/had a therapist for her anorexia/bulemia in the past, but some how she did not recognize the BPD. She has been a binge eater the whole time I have known her, but it has gotten much worse. Of course she is an obsessive runner, workout maven, in great shape, but with poor self-esteem. On top of that she is in a midlife crisis and obsessed with aging. I did not know she had BPD, until I had moved out and had a talk with a Dr. Friend of mine. The next day he brought me an exerpt from, I hate you, don't leave me. He thought it would help me, instead it made me cry and realize that she was really sick, and there would be no reconciliation. I have since gotten way better. Of course with antidepressents, and a lot of real good friends. I went through a lot of this site today, wish I had found it three months/ or years ago! I am both glad/sad that there are other people going through the same heart ache and frustration as me. I know I will be ok, But I have to deal with her for the rest of our lives, and I am very worried about my children. The boys realize she is not right, and have already told me thay will not live with her when we divorce. I still worry, and I do not know what is going to happen with my daughter.

[Turkish]

Hello JoeD,

I had the same thoughts when I first came here (if only I had found this resource sooner). We are, however, where we are. It sounds like you did what you could given what you knew.

It sounds like the boys are close enough to emanipation age that they may have a choice. How old are all of the kids now, and if you're seperated, what's the custody situation like? We can help.support you on the legal board, and also on the co-parenting board when the times come.

How is your D doing, and how is your r/s with her? I hope to hear more and how we can help JoeD.



Turkish

[UndauntedDad]

Hi JD, welcome here and thanks for posting your story. Thanks from me because so many elements of it sound like my story:  the cleaning, long marriage, separation, realization my wife may never be "well" my dad is fighting cancer also, etc. and especially the part where you wish you'd found this site sooner.  Sometimes I wonder if our marriage might have lasted if I'd learned about BPD, codependency, communication methods, and if I'd set better boundaries before. Anyway now I'm here and working on making the best of the future.

Funny, coming here and reading posts like yours, or many others, it's like reading my journal. But there are also posts by people who are way ahead of me, either in getting over past damage, fixing relationship, or divorce/separation, it's helped me to see what the next steps are.

What are your next steps?

Of course you worry about your kids, but are you sure you're ok too? You've been the strong one for a long time, everyone needs support sometimes.

Good luck and keep coming back if it helps.

[JoeD]

Thank you for the responses. My relationship with my daughter as with my boys is great. Right now I see her three times a week, luckily I am her soccer coach. I am doing much better. I have gotten some professional help. I also have a lot of friends, and have even gotten back in touch with some old buddies. Next steps are the issue. She needs to get a job, and get out of the house. I have already talked to a lawyer, and am ready to move forward, but it will be better financially if she gets a job first. She is actually looking. She has a lot of education, so we'll see. I will be loking more into the sections here on custody and legal. Also on moving forward and dating. I admit though that I am very scared of ever crossing paths with another BPD women!