confused...

[hurting300]

I'm having a hard time calling my ex an "abuser"... I mean, she never raged like most of the mentally ill do. She was very silent and calculating. I mean yes she did insult me and do the silent treatment, lied to me never worked a job and she lived a double life. But why am I still blaming myself? Yes I did rage at her though... .I had enough of it... she would always ask me why are you so mad at me? And it seems like nothing I said mattered... why is God's name do I want to help her? She literally vanished off the face of the earth with my child without warning or explanation. It took over a year to track her down but yet I still worry and blame myself. It don't consume me anymore... .

[Tangy]

Good evening hurting... .

Sometimes I think these are the worst kind because it's so hard to call abuse abuse... .like you, my ex did not rage. He was passive aggressive, silently cold, but ultimately very unkind and unloving when he would split me. He would be happy, loving, sweet, romantic, and sexy etc... .one minute... .and the next he'd be angry with me giving me the coldest face you've ever seen and telling me he didn't love me and wanted to be apart. And then he would act like I was crazy if I'd ask for an explanation... .I also raged at him many times from sheer frustration and hurt. I stopped doing it after he tried to leave one night... .I was begging (makes me sick to think about it now) and eventually I just became numb and took whatever he gave me rather than raging.

And when I look at it now it was definitely abuse... .albeit it the kind of neglect and emotional abuse. It was tearing my soul apart. It sucks because if an outsider that knew nothing about your situation noticed it, they would think you were the one that was crazy from raging and her innocent while asking "why are you so mad at me" but you know this is not the case.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope others have a little better input I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[enlighten me]

Hi Hurting

Can I ask if you were walking on eggshells or whether you went about your day without any worries?

[hurting300]

Hi Hurting

Can I ask if you were walking on eggshells or whether you went about your day without any worries?

no because I'm the type that faces my problems I guess you could say... I was in a constant worry she was cheating, and sure enough so many men starting coming out of nowhere. I'd find numbers and even got into an argument with one... .It's hard to explain, she wasn't loving. She would tell me things and I'd take care of her... .But when I had something on my mind she was last person to wanna help. It's like she was a robot.

[hurting300]

Good evening hurting... .

Sometimes I think these are the worst kind because it's so hard to call abuse abuse... .like you, my ex did not rage. He was passive aggressive, silently cold, but ultimately very unkind and unloving when he would split me. He would be happy, loving, sweet, romantic, and sexy etc... .one minute... .and the next he'd be angry with me giving me the coldest face you've ever seen and telling me he didn't love me and wanted to be apart. And then he would act like I was crazy if I'd ask for an explanation... .I also raged at him many times from sheer frustration and hurt. I stopped doing it after he tried to leave one night... .I was begging (makes me sick to think about it now) and eventually I just became numb and took whatever he gave me rather than raging.

And when I look at it now it was definitely abuse... .albeit it the kind of neglect and emotional abuse. It was tearing my soul apart. It sucks because if an outsider that knew nothing about your situation noticed it, they would think you were the one that was crazy from raging and her innocent while asking "why are you so mad at me" but you know this is not the case.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope others have a little better input I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I told the judge during court that the way she was turned me into a monster... .That was the most confusing two years of my life. I swear I wanted her to yell and scream. Just be open.

[enlighten me]

Well if she didn't abuse you then it wasn't abuse.

My ex wife was a waif type and we never argued over the 14 years we were together. I was also worried about affairs but don't think it was an abusive relationship.

My exgf was a queen type and she raged, belittled, threatened etc etc. That was an abusive relationship.

[hurting300]

Well if she didn't abuse you then it wasn't abuse.

My ex wife was a waif type and we never argued over the 14 years we were together. I was also worried about affairs but don't think it was an abusive relationship.

My exgf was a queen type and she raged, belittled, threatened etc etc. That was an abusive relationship.

I'm just confused... .The court and my therapists said she abused and manipulated me... they claim she is a BPD and anti social. But she just did subtle things you know? It's still so hard to explain. What is abuse? I know I said "off" but dang.

[enlighten me]

Maybe her actions were abusive just not in a sense we normally associate with abuse.

As I recall she took your child and ghosted you. You had no contact and she wouldn't let you see your child. Isnt that abusive behaviour? Using your child to hurt you.

[hurting300]

Maybe her actions were abusive just not in a sense we normally associate with abuse.

As I recall she took your child and ghosted you. You had no contact and she wouldn't let you see your child. Isnt that abusive behaviour? Using your child to hurt you.

I think so yeah...

[enlighten me]

Its the subtler stuff that's hard to believe is abuse. The "a real man would do this" "if you loved me you would" . The gentle chipping away.

[myself]

I was in a constant worry she was cheating, and sure enough so many men starting coming out of nowhere. I'd find numbers and even got into an argument with one... .

If there were serious questions about this, was there a DNA test done to make sure the child is yours? Could that have been one of the reasons she took off? She sounds like she withheld and withdrew quite a bit from you, as well as lied and insulted, which can definitely be abusive/taken as such.

[Panda39]

Hi hurting300,

I've attached a link to a "power & control wheel" We have one on this site somewhere but I can't find it   

Anyway I found it helpful when I first arrived here.  I'm a SO to a man with an uBPDxw and it helped me define what the abuse was that was going on in terms of my SO's children. I was an outsider trying to understand what the heck was going on.  I knew that I thought the things that mom was doing were wrong in my belief system... .ie, removing D15 from school, using kids to spy on dad, false child abuse charges etc.  Everything going on with my SO and his kids was new to me and confusing because what was going on was completely outside of my experience.

What was going on was abuse... .coercion, threats, neglect etc... .my SO and his children were or had received it all.

www.batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htm

Anyway maybe this tool can help you clarify what abuse is or can look like.

Panda39

[hurting300]

Its the subtler stuff that's hard to believe is abuse. The "a real man would do this" "if you loved me you would" . The gentle chipping away.

yes! And she would talk about how her ex boyfriend busted condoms right after sex. Why? Why would she say things like that... .I'm a real estate investor, just so happens so was her exes family, well I told her i wanted to start doing that. She went on and on about how they were the best and I would be lucky to be like them... fast forward two years later, I have almost a million in assets. More than her exes family. Why did she act so happy on Facebook and miserable in real life? Confused isn't the word for what I am.

[hurting300]

I was in a constant worry she was cheating, and sure enough so many men starting coming out of nowhere. I'd find numbers and even got into an argument with one... .

If there were serious questions about this, was there a DNA test done to make sure the child is yours? Could that have been one of the reasons she took off? She sounds like she withheld and withdrew quite a bit from you, as well as lied and insulted, which can definitely be abusive/taken as such.

I have full custody now.