When You Moved Out. . .

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How did it go?

Did you move out all at once or gradually?  Did it trigger the pwBPD or were they relieved to see you go?

[Anise]

How did it go?

Did you move out all at once or gradually?  Did it trigger the pwBPD or were they relieved to see you go?

[enlighten me]

With my exgf I moved out a month after telling her it was over. I think it was a relief for both of us. It was a bit different to most as it was my house I moved out of. I wasn't going to kick her, my 1 year old son and her children onto the street.

With my ex wife I moved out almost straight away. I ended up in a tent for a month.

[Anise]

How did you go about telling them?

I will be moving in November, but we have a trip coming up in October.  I want him to enjoy the trip, which I think would be dampened for him if he knew I was moving out.

He knows I have been looking for a place, and has said he doesn't want me to move out but "would support me if that is what I choose".  I know his mom has been on his case to leave me, but I don't think that is what he really wants.

[enlighten me]

Hi Anise

With my ex wife I had no choice. I was overseas working when she finished with me.

With my exgf it got to the point where I had just had enough. I couldn't take anymore and felt like I was her whipping boy.

I said to her that it wasn't working out and believed that it was best for both of us if I moved out.

I see you were on staying but have moved to leaving. Can I ask what has changed?

[Anise]

I'm posting on both boards, depending on the topic.  Hope that is Ok.

Nothing has changed, which is the problem.  I am focusing on my behavior, and not letting his behavior get to me so much.  Right now, as I see it, we have two major conflicts.  I got into this marriage to try to have children, and have a healthy relationship to raise children in.  The nature of our relationship is that he will never initiate sex. I've called him out on this and have told him that it's not fair to me. I told him that if he wants to have sex, then he can ask me and I will have sex with him.  Well, the last time was in May for his birthday and practically because I insisted, because birthday. His view of it is that I want a baby but won't have sex with him. 

The second conflict is of buying a house together to turn into our home together. We live in his condo, and there is really no space I have to call my own in it. I have one piece of furniture in the entire place, and two pieces of artwork, only one of which is in a public space.  Trying to get him to change anything is worse than pulling teeth. He will say he encourages me to make changes, but when it comes to actually get a new rug, sofa, etc. it triggers something in him and he doesn't want to do it.  With trying to buy a new place we can furnish/remodel together, we came very close to buying several properties but he had an excuse each time for why we shouldn't buy, and I don't want to spend thirty years of listening to him paint the whole house black just because we can't get his preferred internet provider.  His view is that we should sell his condo first, but he hasn't made any progress on actually getting the condo ready to sell; we have a leak in the master bathroom that is causing a moldy spot to appear on the kitchen ceiling. This has been there for over a year and he hasn't done anything about it. I refuse to take care of it myself because frankly it's his condo and I shouldn't be responsible for his stuff that he doesn't want to take care of.

So moving out accomplishes a few things. I get a space where I can actually have a space, and I will get the mental and emotional space to figure out my issues.  If this triggers him to work on himself to get healthy, I would be willing to continue the relationship and work on learning to love him again.  If he stays in perpetual denial, then I have no choice but to divorce him.  I am running out of healthy time to have children and the realization that he (and I, for picking him) have wasted several years without even trying, just kills me.  If we tried to have kids and were unable, I would be able to make peace with that. But the fact he doesn't even want to try, even though he says he wants kids, really bothers me.

[enlighten me]

Hi Anise

I understand now.

If you are moving out then its probably best just to be honest. Tell him why you are doing it like you told me.

A word of caution though. He may say lets start a family. Before you do anything think if he means this or is he just doing it to stop you from leaving. You don't want him resenting you or the child because he felt forced into doing it.

EM

[Anise]

Hi EM,

Thank you.

I don't plan on obfuscating the reasons why I am moving out.  I'm thinking more of timing, and if I should get all/as much stuff out at once or if I can move out more gradually.

I have already applied and have the apartment lined up, so I already know where I will be living for the next six months.  After which if he has made progress on himself, we can work at reintegrating our households again, in a way that is more fair to me. Maybe we can buy a place and move into it together.

I doubt he will tell me "let's start a family" to keep me from leaving. We are already not sleeping in the same room after he shoved my dog off the bed one night, and shoved me in bed/ripped the covers off of me. He complains that the separate sleeping quarters is why we are not having sex, but I pointed out that when we were living in separate places that didn't seem to stop him.

He is fairly high functioning, has a stable job, etc., but there is definitely a Peter Pan aspect to him that I see.  I honestly think he feels threatened by the idea of having kids.  He is the oldest of two boys, and it's obvious his younger brother is the favorite.  I suspect he doesn't want to have kids because he is afraid that I will ignore his needs and wants if we have children.  Unfortunately, I think this is a subconcious fear, or at least one he won't bring up to me.

We rarely talk about our issues at this point. I've learned that bringing them up triggers him and if we can't communicate through our problems then they will never get solved.  He will shut down to the point where he has fallen asleep in the middle of an argument in order to avoid even discussing when we can talk about our issues in the future.

[enlighten me]

A staged approach might be good. If you move everything out it could add to his abandonment fears.

If he decides he wants everything out then you can do that but collecting a bit at a time might not seem as harsh and will give you time to interact.

Im not sure if there is a right answer to this as whatever you decide will have a negative aspect to it. Sometime we just have to do what feels right for us.

[Dazzle]

I left the same night we decided it was over. No where to go, just packed a few belongings and drove away in tears and disbelief it was over.

[Anise]

Thank you for your guidance EM, I appreciate it!

I know I don't have a lot of winning options right now.  But I think staying in his condo will not help me heal in a way that will set me up well for the future.  I may trigger him by leaving but at this point I see it as our best shot at making things work in the long run since marriage counseling hasn't helped us.  It's helped me, but I'm the one with "all the issues", or so my husband says.  He has been back once since our therapist has split up our sessions, and our therapist has commented on how much in denial my husband is.

Moving out is also my best shot at getting me back together and in a place where I can heal and prepare to find a healthier relationship. It would suck for me to have to close the door on this one but if he is incapable emotionally/mentally of trying to have children, then it's not fair to me to stay and hope things might be different "someday".

@Dazzle, that sounds really rough.  . I've cried so many tears over this relationship I am not sure I have many left.  Our therapist has commented to both of us that we have been emotionally divorced for some time.

[greenmonkey]

I moved my uBPD ex out of my house. We had a talk a few days before and I had run the bills down on purpose as she was not contributing anything to the household whatsoever and I did a few acid tests. She already had a history of lying and was more interested in being a beneficiary in my will than anything else.

She agreed to het into her own place by before Christmas - 6 weeks away. The following day, after returning from a bike ride I saw my two dogs running out in the street (never happened before) could not prove it was her - but reinforced the locks on the house and did nt give her a set of keys. The next day one of my bikes had a nail in the tire. Not life threatening by any means but both mine and my adult kids thought was what can she do in the space of 6 weeks - to my two dogs, me, my property and my car.

She apparently went to a 'friend' to sort out the spare room so she could dump her stuff there. I found out that actually this was not the case and she had been seeing someone for a while a new gf and had gone to see her abroad.

I promptly changed the locks and told her there was no more to discuss, and I would move her belongings into the conservatory and garage and she had 7 days to pick it all up.

Might be harsh, but I did not want her in the house, I was concerned about my dogs lives, and my property etc and I had no alternative. She picked up the last of the stuff 3 weeks later, and I have never communicated with her again.

[waverider]

Moving out will give you the space to work out what you really want. Is this relationship worth it? is it going anywhere? and is there any reward for you? These are the questions you need to answer. The issue of kids should be kept off the table in case these influence your decisions.

Things being put off and delayed is unfortunately the norm and it can take a bit of backbone to break that stalemate

[Michelle27]

Our ending started with a boundary being crossed so I asked him to leave, at first temporarily.  He knew he crossed the boundary and that leaving would be the consequence.  He was out of the house for 2 weeks but I realized in that time that it wasn't enough for me to feel safe again so I arranged what I thought was going to be a therapeutic separation.  I rented a room and we took turns staying there with the other one in our home with our daughter.  That lasted 3 months and my sense of safety never got better (his stalking behaviors and some inappropriate sexual stuff creeped me out) so I told him we were done.  I offered to pay the rent on the rental for a month while he found a place, told him I'd buy him out of our home and after 9 years of rages, 5 years of broken promises to stop and/or get help he had the nerve to tell me I didn't give him enough of a chance to fix it. Riiiight.

I waited 8 days from when I made the decision to telling him because I was scared of his reaction.  I wanted to tell him with a counselor but couldn't ask for the appointment because I had already told him if we went, it would be to tell him.  Finally I invited him for coffee and told him.  He was in the house and I was technically in the rental then but I was actually staying with friends because I didn't feel safe in the rental with him having access.  Days later, he moved out without telling me until that's what he was doing.  My neighbors however let me know.  He let me know it was my turn to go to our home and I saw what he had moved out, including the entire bedroom set.  I didn't care though... .starting fresh feeling safe (I changed the locks the day I moved back in) was more important. 

[13YearGoodbye]

I was working on moving out gradually, so that my efforts wouldn't be noticed and trigger a dysregulation. I chose to work  out-of-town a few nights per week so I spent some nights away from home. But then she got sick (today I call it alcoholism), and she needed me to be home at nights to take her to work first thing in the morning. That was horrid, cause I couldn't escape the constant belittling comments. Couldn't give myself space. At home, I could turn my back on her, and then walk to the other side of the room, and then go outside, then leave the property... .Couldn't do that trapped in a car. Then she got "too sick" to go to work, so I couldn't haul things off without attracting attention and triggering a dysregulation.

The last few months, I knew that I was leaving and not going back. So I made mental notes of what was most valuable to me, and took those things whenever I could sneak something away. In the end, after a particularly acute dysregulation, I ghosted... .Just walked away from everything that was left. I'm sad about losing some things: Mostly things that somehow missed getting onto my list. But it's not worth it to me to face another dysregulation in order to ask to get my stuff back. I'm pretty much at a mental state of mind than I am unwilling to ever endure another dysregulation episode. Not from her. Not from anyone.

I'm sad about ghosting... .Cause it seems polite to at least talk about leaving. In my case I felt like ghosting was the only option, because we couldn't even discuss how to cook a meal without intense dysregulation. I don't see how we could have had a fruitful discussion about me leaving. So I try to not beat myself up about ghosting... .I finally found the courage to leave and step into the unknown. That's good enough for me for today.

[Anise]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.

@Waverider, this is precisely why I want to move out. At this point my goal of 2 kids by 35 is completely shot.  I have made peace with that and have made peace that it's not worth bringing children into an unsafe, unhealthy environment.  If Life brings children into my life I will be very, very grateful, but I am no longer certain that is in my future.  I am very, very sad about that.

I have been sleeping in the guest room since he shoved my dog out of the bed one night.  He hasn't apologized or moved to make any progress on our issues, but I think he knows he crossed a line because he has been much nicer to me lately.  When he tells me it would make him happy to wake up next to me, I tell him I need him to initiate sex and for us to make progress on the house (either finding one together or make his condo more comfortable for me), and I would be happy to sleep in the master bedroom with him again.  He thinks this is me "starting a fight", and uses me stating my requirements as a reason to stonewall me.

I know I can be happy on my own without him. I know I can find peace and joy.  I have had a lot of happy thoughts thinking how I will set up the apartment I've rented.  Can I be happy with him? I don't know. I thought I was once.

At the same time, I know that I am overly responsible and feel that if he was to decide he wanted to work on himself, I would be supportive and willing to help him work on his stuff (I am going to work on my stuff either way).  With where he is right now I don't know that he will ever get to that point.

I have an appointment with my/our therapist tomorrow. I want to discuss this with him and see what he says.

Thank you all again for your insights and stories. It really does help me to know I haven't been the first one down this road.

[letmeout]

I had to run, his behavior had gotten intolerable and my life felt in danger living  there anymore. It was the best thing I ever did, but like a fool, I left my possessions behind. It took a divorce court order for him to return anything to me, but of course he made sure he damaged most of it. BPD people can be very malicious and vindictive when you "abandon" them.