Intimacy Anorexia: What can I do to help my partner? Please help

[Jaded11]

Hello everyone.

I am writing once again since I find myself in quite a mess... .

My BPD boyfriend broke up with me 1,5 month ago because "he could not deal with a relationship". However very gradually he has been reinitiating contact with me and we have been spending time together. Needless to say, I absolutely love him and really believe and him and us, and I'm willing to give him the safe space he needs in order to feel more "ready" again to come closer.

So lately we have been spending increasingly more time together, he is very sweet, affectionate and loving towards me and there is great harmony and connection between us. We have been spending some amazing times together- however all under the "safety" (for him) that we are not "officially" together (yet). I do believe this is just in words, the term is just too terrifying for him but otherwise we see each other almost every day, make plans and overall he is very sweet, hugging me kissing me and feeling happy around me. Ofcourse I'm in 7th Heaven when this happens.

This is where the problem starts though: sexual intimacy. In this reconnecting period, we have had sex some times, but the last one (2 weeks ago) was followed by a huge rage outburst- splitting episode, that had not happened in a long time. Without any trigger. Just after having sex (which was passionate and wonderful) he just flipped out of his mind and had a total breakdown towards me, screaming and yelling that he just can't handle so much closeness and intimacy and that we shouldn't make love unless he is more certain and balanced. After that, in the following days of course he came back to "himself" and apologized and things have been growing again, in a very loving way. In the past 2 weeks though, although again we are spending dream-like moments together and sleep together often (=in the same bed), we have not had any sexual contact. I have the impression that a very serious block has been created in him, that says he cannot handle sex (the ultimate form of intimacy) . He claims he feels "asexual" now and he wishes this is temporary. I feel like he is too afraid to do it, just in case it is followed once again by a destructive rage that will hurt us both. The problem is though, that I SUFFER. I mean I start to find it physically painful. He is otherwise very intimate and full of affection, with kisses, touches, hugs, eye gazing, beautiful words and all, but when we go to bed he does nothing more. I want him so much though, my body literally aches when he touches me and hugs me. I wonder what can I do to help him, and myself too? What's the best way to go? I don't know how much longer I can withstand this sexual tension that is building inside of me, and I feel very pressured that I can't express how I feel about this (because then he withdraws). It is not just sex I crave- it is the peak of connection and intimacy that I see is THERE but it tears me apart to see him so frightened of it. It's finding the balance between his and my needs.

I read today about the term sexual anorexia , or intimacy anorexia, and I think this is it. Anyone experience with this? Any advice would be greatly valued. Thank you so much in advance.  

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[an0ught]

Hi Jaded11,

BPD can have a myriad of symptoms. We have partners with OCD, agrophobia, anxiety, hypersexual,... .you name it there will be one. These can be problems in their own rights with their own specific causes. However for pwBPD it is the extremes that provide the outlets. The root cause is inability to regulate own emotions. Targeting the symptom in a pwBPD usually just shift the problem to another problematic behavior.

From what you write your partner seems to struggle with closeness and that likely extends beyond the bedsheets. But under the sheets the distance may well be the closest and totally overwhelming. Any chance he would be open to therapy? DBT may greatly help him.

Right now what you can do are two things:

- learn how to validate

- learn how to avoid invalidation

this will help him somewhat regulating his emotions

- learn how to set boundaries

- how to respect his boundaries. Agree maybe to a signal he can give when agitated and you commit to leaving him then for a limited time e.g. 1h.

- build awareness where he should have boundaries and lacks them

- use space and time structures to provide some distance and separation between the two of you. More time spent with him is good but only up to a LIMIT. Managing LIMITs is key.

the better he has a grip on boundaries and feels save the better he can regulate his emotions and suffers less from engulfment

Again, he should consider therapy. DBT will not only help him with you but will make him more effective in other relationships.

,

a0

[Jaded11]

Dear an0ught,

thank you so much for your reply  I would like to add that my partner is already in treatment, MBT, and I think it is helping quite a lot. I was wondering though, what do you mean "learn how to validate and avoid invalidation"? Could you please tell me a bit more on that?

I think both of us have come a long way. He is much more able now to show me when he's agitated and I have learned how to not react on that in the heat of the moment, but wait when thinks are calm and we can really discuss. I also find it extremely helpful not to take the rages personally anymore (that was a tough one though but I managed! )

Gladly after another 2 days spent calmly and harmoniously, ultimate closeness <wink wink> occurred once again, and it was beautiful, and not followed by anything intense or bizarre. So I consider this a huge step! One question that remains in me though and he keeps repeating, is that he "doesn't always 'feel' during erotic contact". That at some point he gets "disconnected", that the mind takes control and then he loses it... .I don't understand what this means, anyone here have an insight on that? The more I understand, the better for the both of us I think.

Once again, thank you truly for the insights, and to all of you that read my post and gave it some thought. Any responses will be highly appreciated

[an0ught]

Hi Jaded11,

Gladly after another 2 days spent calmly and harmoniously, ultimate closeness <wink wink> occurred once again, and it was beautiful, and not followed by anything intense or bizarre. So I consider this a huge step! One question that remains in me though and he keeps repeating, is that he "doesn't always 'feel' during erotic contact". That at some point he gets "disconnected", that the mind takes control and then he loses it... .I don't understand what this means, anyone here have an insight on that? The more I understand, the better for the both of us I think.

what you describe sounds a bit like dissociation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_%28psychology%29). Most people when very emotionally excited the logical mind switches off and lower functions take over. For pwBPD this threshold is reached earlier and/or the effects are more extreme. When it comes to sex this is not so unusual - after all orgasms in French are also refered to as "La petite mort" which means little death (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort).

Now I'm not belittling his problem here. If you have a weak sense of identity the feeling of loosing yourself (albeit for a moment) may well be a lot more frightening. Anxiety runs high in pwBPD. Therapy has and will help to get his baseline emotions down in normal life however some of the mechanisms cutting in here are biological and getting excitement out of sex may not be a desirable target  . I suspect it comes a lot down to acceptance of his *as we all have to in one way or another* personal human limits. Talking with a T may help. So will him feeling save with you (as always remember to not accidentally invalidate i.e. get him to express his fears, accept his fears and don't tell him he is safe).

Avoiding feeling odd during extreme situations may be unavoidable. So also consider strategies for managing it - emergency signals (possibly nonverbal if voice has been cutting out). Also consider standard recovery procedures - it is more ok to freak out if you know there is a safe way to calm down.

Again, talking to a professional is a good idea here.

[BlueBagel]

Gladly after another 2 days spent calmly and harmoniously, ultimate closeness <wink wink> occurred once again, and it was beautiful, and not followed by anything intense or bizarre. So I consider this a huge step! One question that remains in me though and he keeps repeating, is that he "doesn't always 'feel' during erotic contact". That at some point he gets "disconnected", that the mind takes control and then he loses it... .I don't understand what this means, anyone here have an insight on that? The more I understand, the better for the both of us I think.

Hi Jaded11

My pwBPD dissociates quite often during sexual contact(can be anything from kissing to sex)

She also has flashbacks to sexual abuse while dissociating(I'm not sure if this applies to your partner as well but this seems to be what makes physical contact so hard for her)

We talk about it honestly and openly when we can(I find she is unable to be frank about her feelings a lot of the time)

We decided on a physical cue for her to use when she starts dissociating so I know to pull back/slow down until she can feel present again(sometimes she needs to just cuddle or even stop touching all together)

I know that if she's not paying enough attention she can get to the point where she is too disconnected to let me know she's not fully there anymore so I try to watch out for the signs she is starting to dissociate as well(it can be hard to tell because she still responds to my touch which may happen with your partner as well?)

Hopefully some of this will be helpful to you

[Ysabel]

My hwBPD does not respond well if I "initiate". Like everything else in his life, it has to be "his idea" or he finds something wrong with it. I used to become so upset and feel so rejected. Now I understand that it wasn't about me all along, it was about his need to feel in control so he can manage his disregulated emotions and quasi- psychotic flip out sessions. He likes physical intimacy, just on his terms, so he isn't in a position of having to "lose himself" or feel "used". I wonder if you see a pattern to his rage responses after sex. Is it better if it comes from him?

[Jaded11]

Avoiding feeling odd during extreme situations may be unavoidable. So also consider strategies for managing it - emergency signals (possibly nonverbal if voice has been cutting out). Also consider standard recovery procedures - it is more ok to freak out if you know there is a safe way to calm down.

Dear An0ught,

thank you once again for your feedback. Indeed, this is dissociation, which often is triggered after extreme intimacy (sex)- or when talking about it. In fact, the latest "meltdown" happened as a result of that- when (after a successful intimate session and while having a happy-go-lucky breakfast together) I STUPIDLY brought up the topic. I asked him, if sex feels better now, if he feels more connected. I clearly blame myself for this, for bringing it up... BUt then again, for a number of days he had been so wonderfully connected- and I thought that it's a safe moment... .Obviously I was wrong. And now I'm still gathering my pieces after the latest meltdown, not really knowing how to go close to him again. He seems to be enjoying the process of creating connection, but then when he DOES have it, there is something that compels him to break it all down... .? and start all over? Does this make any sense? Is there an explanation about this?  :'( :'(

What hurts the most is, that it seems that *ALWAYS*after a period of harmony, connectedness and balance,comes a major thunderstorm-like breakdown... .I guess this is the experience of many partners of pwBPD?

I was also wondering, what do you mean "learn to avoid invalidation"?

[Jaded11]

We talk about it honestly and openly when we can(I find she is unable to be frank about her feelings a lot of the time)

We decided on a physical cue for her to use when she starts dissociating so I know to pull back/slow down until she can feel present again(sometimes she needs to just cuddle or even stop touching all together)

I know that if she's not paying enough attention she can get to the point where she is too disconnected to let me know she's not fully there anymore so I try to watch out for the signs she is starting to dissociate as well(it can be hard to tell because she still responds to my touch which may happen with your partner as well?)

Hopefully some of this will be helpful to you

Hello BlueBagel,

thank you so much for your words! It feels so soothing to read experiences of others... Often I feel I'm all alone in this and there must be noone else who understands , but then I understand there's so many others trying to learn how to float, how to love a person that is so challenging and yet amazing at the same time... .

My partner usually dissociates AS A RESULT of sexual contact, not so much during... .Or rather, may dissociate during, but will breakdown After it... .I'm in the process of trying to understand the cues, and understand what to do with them. I guess it's hard for me, because it's difficult for me to walk away (which is something strongly advised here) when things get rough... .

What do YOU do when she starts to dissociate? What is helpful? You say pull back/slow down... .But are you referring just to sex here? Or generally when she dissociates?

[Jaded11]

My hwBPD does not respond well if I "initiate". Like everything else in his life, it has to be "his idea" or he finds something wrong with it. I used to become so upset and feel so rejected. Now I understand that it wasn't about me all along, it was about his need to feel in control so he can manage his disregulated emotions and quasi- psychotic flip out sessions. He likes physical intimacy, just on his terms, so he isn't in a position of having to "lose himself" or feel "used". I wonder if you see a pattern to his rage responses after sex. Is it better if it comes from him?

Hey Ysabel,

wow, your words resonate so amazingly with me... .It seems that your partner and mine react so similarly... .

"Your partner does not respond when if you initiate": WOW. I NEVER initiate. When we talk about sex... He always is the one that starts it, there seems to not be space for me... .But mostly, it's what you say: "like everything else in his life, it has to be "his idea"--> how are you coping with that? I feel like ANYTHING has to be on his terms, under his control. And this feels so soul-crushing so often... How do you manage that? What do you do? Has anything changed in him, is he in therapy? Have you somehow managed to gain some balance in this control game?

To me,  it feels everything needs to be under HIS control. If I try to take some control (like initiate a "sensitive" talk, or intimacy etc) then... .it can often lead to a breakdown... .  :'(

Also, you mentioned quasi-psychotic flip-outs. Like rage breakdowns? How do you cope with those? It's like he's another person then, he is not there anymore at all... .Like, gone. And then  the recovery period takes a while, always... And indeed, I do see a pattern in his rage responses- they do usually follow sex, if not immediate, then when discussing it- or generally, when things get too close emotionally, usually not much later a crisis will follow... .

I REALLY want to do my best to make it work, but often wonder how... .