Reaching out when hopeless or bored

[Depression = 72% of members]

Any thoughts on this? Should I see her if she asks again?

[Polis_Ohio]

Any thoughts on this? Should I see her if she asks again?

[Polis_Ohio]

No contact from her all weekend, that is unusual, especially since she invited me over Thursday for a beer and to see her son. I'm fairly confused, the Sunday before she told me she wasn't "there yet" when I mentioned meeting up sometime.

I reached out once via text, saying it was a beautiful day out. She never responded.

I guess I don't understand her or really people in general. Is she keeping me around for some reason?

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

Its hard to understand the push pull behaviour. I wish I could tell you what is behind it.

How are you feeling about interacting with her now?

[Polis_Ohio]

Well I have learned some interesting news about how she acted with her ex when we were married. From a very close source I have learned some unsettling information about how my ex tried to drive a wedge between her ex and his now fiance.

She never even wanted him back, but was an extremely jealous person.

I feel like I want to approach her and ask her to lay out, in the open, everything she had done when we were married. She never cheated or anything but yet did some inappropriate things. She never told me because, I am guessing, she was terrified I would leave.

I still love her and don't know what I am going to do if she does talk to me again. I doubt she will unless it's about the paperwork.

I am upset how she behaved with her ex, trying to meddle in his relationships and get a rise out of him. She is on medication and in therapy now but she never told me that.

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

I have seen this behaviour first hand from my ex wife and read about it many times.

I like to think of it as a child with toys. They have a new shiny toy that's the best one ever. After a while it becomes boring. Its not what they had hoped it to be. They see a new shiny toy and the old one is put in the toy cupboard. Every now and again they open the toy cupboard and have a look. Occasionally they will get the old toy out and play with it. Its fun at first but then they remember the disappointment with it. It goes back into the cupboard. They may not want to play with they toy but they also don't want anyone else to.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yes that may be it, exactly.

She was not a healthy person, more than just potential BPD. She never lets an ex go, ever, but her ex before me had stronger boundaries and knew what was happening.

I did not, unfortunately. She wanted to be perfect in my eyes and tried hard to be.

I want her back but I don't know how that is even possible.

[Polis_Ohio]

Still no paperwork. I am wondering if she is just being lazy or having second thoughts or just using me for insurance. Although it still lasts for like 30 days after it's filed.

I'm not sure what is going on and I don't really care to reach out to ask right now. It's been four days of NC so far, today will make the 5th.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife dragged out the divorce and only sped things up when it suited her. Maybe at the moment filing isn't a priority to her. She may be having second thoughts, she may be stalling for a more advantages time or she may just have not got around to do it yet.

Was she expedient with other things or did you have to chase her up?

[Polis_Ohio]

She filled out the paperwork within days and filed within a week. All she has to do now is fill out one sheet.

She even asked me if I wanted to have it done right away? I said no I guess it doesn't matter.

I know I'm saying this and I'll check my email later and it'll be there . That is my life.

[Polis_Ohio]

As I predicted, she sent the final papers. That's painful at least she didn't text me.

I don't know how to cope well.

[Polis_Ohio]

So strange... .I emailed her a picture of our dog in response to the paperwork she sent.

All of a sudden she starts texting me, asking what I'm up to. Telling me she is alone, bored, no roommates are home and has no car. I could tell she was fishing for me to invite her to do something or hangout. I didn't even ask her what she was doing and avoided inviting her to do anything since I had plans which included her (ex?) best friend she is no longer talking to.

Then she tells me about her medication, how they tried to cut it by too much again and she had withdrawal. That is what has happened to her the last few days, with Monday being horrible. I told her that if she ever needs someone to be there if that happens to hit me up and at least we can talk. I am just offering. I hope she feels better today and am glad she was able to correct her medication quickly.

Unfortunately, her medication is not good for her physical health. The doctor tried to cut it before by a smaller amount and she had withdrawal. I'm not sure what they expect with cutting it an even higher amount.

Anyway, I texted her to feel better today and I'm dropping my dog off for her playdate. She responded immediately, was opening up about how stressed out she is and feels controlled by her friend who owns the house she lives in. I didn't delve into that far but she is not doing great.

I don't even want to know how her friend is being controlled. I just sympathized with her and she had to start work.

Her friend that she no longer talks to thinks she is potentially conflicted about what she did and may be realizing she made a mistake. This was a different sort of conversation then we had in the past. No conflict, no arguing just discussion.

[Polis_Ohio]

Any thoughts on this? Our conversation this morning was particularly unexpected, telling me about how stressed she is.

I am over-analyzing I am sure but I miss her so much, it's painful, so I know I read into things. The fact is she eventually sent the paperwork, although she didn't ask about it.

I don't know, she seems... .herself almost. She still does seem depressed but I dunno.

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

I don't want to get your hopes up as I know you still love your wife. I also don't want to dash them.

We can read into things what we want to see. The fact that your wife was friendly and not raging at you may mean that she has regrets. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to still go through with the divorce though.

Even in normal relationships we can still have feelings for someone but realise that it may never work out. With BPD this can be intensified. Although you may forgive her for how she treated you she may never forgive herself. Being with you could be a constant reminder of how badly she behaved.

[Polis_Ohio]

That's true, Enlightened. I am obviously not on the same page as her in terms of us never being able to workout. This separation has let me grow a lot.

I figured she still wants to go through with the divorce; I just don't understand her behavior and wish her meds were actually being reduced instead of constantly trying and failing with large cuts. Honestly I feel that her meds contributed to what happened; she even admitted her feelings were changed.

I need to live in reality. My friend has convinced me that I should not have a pre-determined idea of the future but that right now it is unlikely that we can reconcile.

I'm confused as to if she is telling me how she is doing and her issues to get me to delve further or just venting.

Mostly I am just venting; I need to remind myself to not have hope and whatever happens, happens.

[enlighten me]

It could be any number of reasons. She may be trying to get sympathy so you don't feel mad at her for filing. It may be she doesn't want you to be mad at her because she values you and doesn't want what you had to be tainted. She may just feel comfortable talking to you. Who can really say.

[Polis_Ohio]

You are correct Enlightened, only she knows why she is talking to me like she is.

I am doing a little better today, this has been one of the first times we actually talked without her making me feel like crap. It is just nice to be able to talk a bit, although I am not going to text about anything heavy anymore. I think texting is not a great form of communication anymore, it did not help our breakup.

[Polis_Ohio]

12:30 a.m. on Saturday I get a text and call from her. I didn't answer it but responded about an hour later.

We text the next day, she is not doing well. Apparently another person dumped her she thought were perfect for each other. She is spilling her feelings to me, saying how she feels crushed, sad, etc... .and she is not going to date for a while, just get herself together (yea heard that before).

She kept asking me what I was doing, I'm not sure if she is fishing to do something w/ me or what but through out the day she responds less and less, I figured she would.

Why reach out to me? She even said she knows it's not super for me hearing that.

Ugh... this is tough. She is in a bad place, had to quit one of her jobs where she worked nearly full time and now is whining about losing yet another guy.

[Polis_Ohio]

Any input? I don't understand her behavior. She knows that telling me about being dumped is not really appropriate but has no one else to talk to I'm guessing.

I'm trying to be there for her as I can without damaging my own sense of self, but her behavior is so... .odd. Is she that lonely she needs to talk to her ex?

I'm actually worried she is going to slip backwards, mentally, now that she is going to be making less money and is sad, as always when she contacts me. I don't want to just cut her off... .I don't know if I can as a person.

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

Ive seen this with my ex wife and once again Im painted black because her life is going swimmingly.

I think the important thing for you is to realise you are not responsible for her. Its not your fault her latest relationship is over. Its not your fault she quit her job. In some ways she is treating you like a parent and wanting you to step in and make it all better.

I understand you still have feelings for her and also because your a caring person wouldn't want to see anyone going through hurt.

Sometimes we just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes. If your that worried about her then is there any family you can contact?

[Polis_Ohio]

Her family is nearly worthless to her, when support is concerned. They don't understand what she has gone through and rarely help when she talks to them.

She lives with her friend, but my ex said her friend is too controlling when they talk. She ditched her best friend and another close friend, won't let them make amends.

She has few people to talk to, I guess I am it I have no idea. I want to see her in person to see how she really is doing, her texting could be masking reality or she could be doing ok.  

I need to tread carefully; she is doing the push/pull thing with communication. I never thought about the parent thing, our relationship was like me being a caretaker much of the time. It was unhealthy for us.

[enlighten me]

Her friend being too controlling probably means she didn't like what she was being told.

Im having a problem with my ex wife. My sons don't want anything to do with her. She has been given lots of advice on how to bridge the gap and rebuild the relationship. She has ignored it all and made things worse. My MIL is complaining that she has to listen to her daughters moans all the time but se does nothing to show her daughter her errors. She reinforces her feeling that she has done nothing wrong.

By rescuing her will you be reinforcing her behaviour?

Does she actually need rescuing?

[Polis_Ohio]

She doesn't really need rescuing, I guess. I thought maybe she grew recently, but she still thinks every person she dates is so perfect for her. She did that to me.

I just want to know what the heck she wants; the whole thing where she ignores me then talks to me then ignores me is so juvenile. Just tell me if you don't want to talk.

[enlighten me]

The problem is she is acting on her feelings. She feels she needs you. She feels she doesn't. You cant control how she is feeling from one moment to the next and in all honesty she probably cant either.

[Mutt]

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