Making better choices

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know a lot of us come here feeling hurt, betrayed, confused, and many other negative feelings arising from a BPD relationship. It can be hard to deal with these emotions. One of the common questions for people having experienced a split up is when will their pwBPD stop the silent treatment or when will they try to "recycle"? In the meantime, what we can do is learn about the disorder, learn about ourselves, and experience some measure of healing, growth, and self-discovery.

Part of the latter for me is making better choices for myself. I need to make better choices to fully live the richest and most fulfilling life that I desire and deserve. One realization that I've come to was that my ex BPD gf was not a good choice of romantic partner, in fact, she was never ever going to fulfill my needs as a life partner. From the start she was never a good match for me, but I made a lot of compromises. A lot of friends, even mutual friends of ours told me I didn't have to "settle" and it's only now with having done a lot of work on myself healing and growing that I totally see this.

My soulmate will be somebody that I feel head over heels in love with AND makes me feel safe and loved. My soulmate will be my shelter in the storm, not the storm itself.

What do you want in a soulmate? Are you so stuck looking at a door that's closed that you're missing one that's opened? What do you think will help you turn around?

[Learning_curve74]

I know a lot of us come here feeling hurt, betrayed, confused, and many other negative feelings arising from a BPD relationship. It can be hard to deal with these emotions. One of the common questions for people having experienced a split up is when will their pwBPD stop the silent treatment or when will they try to "recycle"? In the meantime, what we can do is learn about the disorder, learn about ourselves, and experience some measure of healing, growth, and self-discovery.

Part of the latter for me is making better choices for myself. I need to make better choices to fully live the richest and most fulfilling life that I desire and deserve. One realization that I've come to was that my ex BPD gf was not a good choice of romantic partner, in fact, she was never ever going to fulfill my needs as a life partner. From the start she was never a good match for me, but I made a lot of compromises. A lot of friends, even mutual friends of ours told me I didn't have to "settle" and it's only now with having done a lot of work on myself healing and growing that I totally see this.

My soulmate will be somebody that I feel head over heels in love with AND makes me feel safe and loved. My soulmate will be my shelter in the storm, not the storm itself.

What do you want in a soulmate? Are you so stuck looking at a door that's closed that you're missing one that's opened? What do you think will help you turn around?

[Mutt]

Hi learningcurve_74,

I have to agree that my morals and values were very different and it wasn't until later in the r/s that I realized that. I think that's was the catalyst for the break-up. I think if I had boundaries at the onset of the relationship that protected my morals and values, I don't think that we would become involved.

I thought she was "the one" and I don't believe in the concept of soul mates anymore. I think that we are compatible with many people. What I value now having been in a relationship with someone with social impairments is a relationship with reciprocity, emotional intimacy and not one where I'm an emotional caretaker.

[HappyNihilist]

learningcurve, this is a great topic - making better choices for yourself, so that you can live a fulfilling and authentic life. 

You realize that your exBPDgf wasn't a good choice of partner for you. One of the best ways to start looking at what we need and value is to look at what we know hasn't worked or felt right for us in the past. That helps us make the best choices for ourselves.

What values of yours did you have to compromise for your exgf? What needs of yours could she never fulfill?

I thought she was "the one" and I don't believe in the concept of soul mates anymore. I think that we are compatible with many people.

I agree, Mutt.

Having an idea that there is only "one" person out there for us who can fulfill our needs - can only lead to anxiety and even a sense of desperation. This can make us compromise ourselves in pursuit of an unrealistic ideal.

I still believe in a 'soulmate' concept, but it's radically different for me now. It seems to me that, when we feel like we've found our 'soulmate,' we've really found someone who matches up perfectly with our own core wounds that haven't been addressed. They can strip us down to our barest self, unlock our true soul, force us to look at ourselves. My exBPDbf was definitely my 'soulmate' - and he gave me a beautiful gift. It helped me to reframe how I looked at our relationship, and delve into what made it feel like 'destiny' to me.

[enlighten me]

I think the soul mate idea is more of finding a perfect match to your personality. Someone like minded that you don't have to change for them to accept you. They accept your constant state of self and you accept theirs.

This I believe is why a pwBPD cannot find their soul mate as they don't have a constant state of self.