How on earth do you stay calm...

[nonbpdis-m]

I really do not know how to stay calm anymore.  I think my BPDgf has cunningly figured out and recorded all my weaknesses and will precisely target these when she is having one of her infamous meltdowns.  This in turn is now making me angry back.  I have absolutely 0 empathy or sympathy for her now and I am convinced there is malice here, how can there not be? 'The child is not yours!', 'I know your are seeing one of your exes!', 'I hate you and I really do not love you!' ... .this is malicious. 

Afterwards she says 'yeh but it doesn't matter what I say, I don't mean it when I say it, when you say nasty things you mean it'

So basically she can do whatever she wants, I cannot.  Just because I do not have BPD I have incur wrath after wrath and she has 0 come-uppance.  I had 48 missed calls in 2 hours the other day, kudos to those who have been in this situation for years and even decades and have stayed calm.  You must be so strong to keep your cool, I use to be this and now I have finally caved in.

[enlighten me]

What helps me to stay detached is to look at the behaviour as that of a child. I imagine them in a school yard and how a child of six or seven interacts.

When my son has a tantrum at me and says things on the spur of the moment I don't take them to heart. I see it as his frustration being displayed and his lack of ability to vocalise and deal with his emotions as the driving force behind it.

I know this may not be correct but it takes the edge off for me. It helps me not to be reactive and lets me look at it from a different point of view.

[nonbpdis-m]

I am glad that this website is a lot more insightful and less one sided than practically all the other sites concerning having a BPD partner but even If i do try to imagine the child being nasty, even children are told off or disciplined for speaking out of line to parents/teachers etc.   I would not tolerate my daughter saying horrible things to me when she is old enough to talk.  Also I struggle with the 'do not take it to heart, do not make it personal to you' approach.  In its essence it IS personal to me as everything she says only applies to me e.g. my exes, my family, my friends, my job/hobbies will crop up.  This is personal.

[enlighten me]

I agree it is personal.

I also agree that children should be held accountable for their actions.

As with most things we all have different boundaries, morals and life experiences. These make up who we are and we are all different. Some here can forgive, some cant. Some see it as their pwBPD fault completely others can see their part in the behaviour and others take all the blame on their shoulders.

For me being able to put their behaviour in a different light means that I am able to step back from what is being said. It gives me breathing space and it means that I don't react and am ale to respond in a less confrontational way.

This works for me and like I said may not be a correct method. It may not work for you or many others.

It sounds like you are more concerned about the injustice. This I can understand. I have a strong sense of justice and it has been the hardest thing for me to get over. I have been taken to the point of being destitute. I have had to live in a tent while my ex wife lived in my house entertaining her boyfriend. I have watched her move my sons away. Its hard not to see the injustice. For this I have had to use radical acceptance. My exs are who they are and do what they do. They are disordered and driven in a way that is alien to me. I have also had to look at what about me let them do what they did. This is the most eye opening part for me. I saw my weaknesses and their part in my downfall.

[nonbpdis-m]

This is very insightful and thank you.  I do see that i was suckered in right from the beginning and made to feel like the knight in shining armour which gave me delusions of grandeur I suppose.  I also see how me keeping on going back after moving out is me playing my part in the recycling.  I am now also guilty of going into rages as a response to her rage attacks on me (fight fire with fire approach).  This aside I did not ask for any of this my partner on the other hand went out of her way and selected me as a mark (non threatening, listening type) it's very clear now.

[enlighten me]

I don't think anyone would ask to go through what we have.

I thought I was a strong independent man but my weaknesses where exposed and used. It felt like I had been a mark in some evil con. For a long time I believed this and was angry at my exs and myself for allowing it to happen.

I havent forgiven my exs as a lot of it they could have prevented. I do however see it as a deeply ingrained survival instinct and being an instinct even though hurtful its just the way they are. Its the tale of the frog and the scorpion.

I have forgiven myself though.

[Mutt]

Hi nonBPDis-m,

I had 48 missed calls in 2 hours the other day, kudos to those who have been in this situation for years and even decades and have stayed calm.  You must be so strong to keep your cool, I use to be this and now I have finally caved in.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I can see how distressing your situation would be. I can relate. It sounds like your ex is going through extinction bursts; the emotional dysregulation get worst before they get better and it's best to let her self sooth, it's difficult when we are going through this, but you have the right idea with ignoring these calls, letting them go to voicemail etc and not re-enforcing the behaviors when she's dysregulated.

Here is a 2 min video on youtube on how extinction burst works

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

Common Trap: Remember, you don't want to inadvertently give them intermittent reinforcement to dysregulated behavior. This is easy to do, and once established extremely difficult to unlearn.

Intermittent reinforcement: slot machines use this. They pay out on irregular schedules. You never know when you will win, but you know that if you keep pulling the handle that sooner or later a pay out will occur. It may happen on the third pull or the twentieth pull, but you will win if you keep trying. The fact that you KNOW that you will eventually win, keeps you hooked into trying.

What does this mean? If you tell your partner that you won't answer the phone while at work, and they call you 20 times, and you answer on the 21st attempt, you have just inadvertantly given them intermittent reinforcement. Now they know that if they bug you enough, that you will always eventually respond. This actually escalates the behavior you are trying to stop. They believe they can win if they just keep pulling the lever, even if they go broke trying, they will keep at it. The more irregular and unpredictable your response to them, the more they will keep trying. It is the combination of hoping they will get their way and not knowing when it will happen that keeps them trying.

How to discourage dysregulated behavior.?

Consistency in not responding is the only way to discourage undesired behavior... .

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying.

Afterwards she says 'yeh but it doesn't matter what I say, I don't mean it when I say it, when you say nasty things you mean it'

A pwBPD are emotionally immature and I can see how frustrating this would be. How do you respond to her when she says something like this?

[nonbpdis-m]

I respond by saying 'so I have to listen to whatever you say and just remind myself that you don't mean it the whole time? What you say DOES matter!'

[Mutt]

I respond by saying 'so I have to listen to whatever you say and just remind myself that you don't mean it the whole time? What you say DOES matter!'

I have three young children with my ex and I recall how difficult all of this was when she was going through exctinction bursts, it was very difficult at the time to not engage her and we had a lot of fights. It does get better if we stop the conflict.

It takes two to tango and one to stop.

What helps is responding to what is valid and not validating the invalid.

Afterwards she says 'yeh but it doesn't matter what I say, I don't mean it when I say it, when you say nasty things you mean it'

I don't see anything valid to respond to; she's baiting. Reality is open to debate; emotions and feelings are real. How she interprets her reality, is real to her. Feelings = facts whereas feelings followed by facts with a non-disordered person. BPD is also a persecution complex and the person feels like a martyr.

How one person interprets reality with the next person is different. If she's emotionally dysregulated, it helps when we don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) she's entitled to think what she feels, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's your reality? If she feels bad, let her find another way to self sooth.

This short 3 minute video can really change your quality of life.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[Frog!0707]

Hi

I like the tool of thinking of the BPD as a person who has a syringe with poison in it and if you give them any argument or excuse etc they will stick you with it.  Very difficult to do it but if you look at the alternative hours of raging it is definitely better.  I also use Ekart Tolle practice of no resistance and not letting my ego get injured or looking at the BPD as a test lamb rat where I have a lab coat on and I am studying his behavior.

Not sure if any of this helps good luck.