I'm no longer hoping for contact or a recycle.. I want to let go?

[problemsolver]

I feel most here have gone NC based off necessity... .or self healing , but are thinking or perhaps wishing for some contact or closure... .at the end of the day for my particular situation I solved 98 percent of the things that confused me... I know where I went wrong,  I realize there was someone else trying his best to get into the picture. . I realize at one point she had conflicting emotions and was bouncing back and forth... .but ultimately I pushed her away... But at the same time the situation wasn't all that healthy for me... all the mixed msgs and the weird sex and interactions in the last 2 months of our "contact" all makes sense... .In any case I actually want to let go...

There is no going back. . She's moved on , I'm black ... she's let me go , met a new guy (I believe) sitting in honeymoon phase and keeps her ex in the loop to complete that triangle(for safety, security,  and to fill the void if the other guy fails) her life is going really good from the outside looking in... in a weird way I'm proud of her? there's no room for me in her life, I'm the crazy one. She's destroyed the gifts I've given her... spoke down on me... but yet I still have conflicting emotions... some days I'm thinking who cares about her... she's a small page in my life story... some days I look at her and im proud of what she's accomplishing and some days I'm pissed that she couldn't just be honest with me and I feel like texting f u , f that (just some awfully mean stuff). what would that really do? Nothing her life is going fine, it may make her sad for a day or week a month? But who am I to try and break her down with things like BPD or depression. . At the end of the day she trusted me enough after several months to reveal it... .me acting bitter and mean would just reinforce why I shouldn't be in her life... .

She's not sorry for what she's done (at least I apologized), she's never going to apologize and were never gonna talk again... I have 0 use to her anymore (emotional or sexual)... I know far too much about her and her ex and her whole situation... any conversation would be an argument most likely . . I may be a 1 percenter but I actually want to 100 percent let go... .help?

[enlighten me]

Hi problem solver

This is exactly how I feel with my exs. Unfortunately I have kids with them so I cant just draw a line under it and forget the ever existed.

What is it your needing help with?

[problemsolver]

Hi problem solver

This is exactly how I feel with my exs. Unfortunately I have kids with them so I cant just draw a line under it and forget the ever existed.

What is it your needing help with?

I guess I just want to let go... what are the steps?  How do people detach?  Is this just based off time or what? Tired of thinking of her and this situation it's burdened my mind for several months I just want to let go

[Mutt]

I guess I just want to let go... what are the steps?  How do people detach?  Is this just based off time or what? Tired of thinking of her and this situation it's burdened my mind for several months I just want to let go

Hi problemsolver,

I understand. Have you checked the lessons on the right side of the board? What stage of the 5 stages of Detachment do you find yourself in with where you are currently at with your healing path?

Attachment Leads to Suffering.

Detachment Leads to Freedom.

--------------------------------->

[enlighten me]

Time on its own wont do it. You need to start replacing the memories. By going out and doing new things you create new memories. These will slowly push the old ones down.

Meeting new people, going to different places, trying new food etc etc. My strongest memories are of when I did something different to the normal.

The fact that you are now at a stage where you cant be bothered with feeling like this anymore is a good thing. I would constantly talk about my ex and bore my friends to death with it. One day I just got bored of doing it. I got bored of hearing myself go on. This was a major turning point for me as I had argued with myself and had eventually had enough and come to the conclusion that it was over. It was the end of the inner turmoil if that makes sense.

Try doing something for you. It might sound odd but I spent so long looking out for others that I neglected myself. Some new clothes, a new hair cut, a holiday or a hobby that you've always wanted to do. You are the master of your own destiny.

[SGraham]

I do think detachment is by and large a time dependent process. I think the best think to do is maintain NC and continue to build back your emotional strength. The healthier you become the  less you will want to interact with her.

[enlighten me]

I do think detachment is by and large a time dependent process. I think the best think to do is maintain NC and continue to build back your emotional strength. The healthier you become the  less you will want to interact with her.

It takes time to detach but time alone wont do it for you. Look at Miss Havisham in great expectations. Sitting in her black wedding dress with the wedding feast still on the table covered in cobwebs. Time did nothing for her because she didn't move on herself. She dwelled on things and didn't let go.

[problemsolver]

I guess I just want to let go... what are the steps?  How do people detach?  Is this just based off time or what? Tired of thinking of her and this situation it's burdened my mind for several months I just want to let go

Hi problemsolver,

I understand. Have you checked the lessons on the right side of the board? What stage of the 5 stages of Detachment do you find yourself in with where you are currently at with your healing path?

Attachment Leads to Suffering.

Detachment Leads to Freedom.

--------------------------------->

I feel like I'm in processing... but also moving onto creative action... the only thing about this step is of course I'm doing it for me but I definitely have a point to prove regarding achieving the goal.

[problemsolver]

Time on its own wont do it. You need to start replacing the memories. By going out and doing new things you create new memories. These will slowly push the old ones down.

Meeting new people, going to different places, trying new food etc etc. My strongest memories are of when I did something different to the normal.

The fact that you are now at a stage where you cant be bothered with feeling like this anymore is a good thing. I would constantly talk about my ex and bore my friends to death with it. One day I just got bored of doing it. I got bored of hearing myself go on. This was a major turning point for me as I had argued with myself and had eventually had enough and come to the conclusion that it was over. It was the end of the inner turmoil if that makes sense.

Try doing something for you. It might sound odd but I spent so long looking out for others that I neglected myself. Some new clothes, a new hair cut, a holiday or a hobby that you've always wanted to do. You are the master of your own destiny.

Would you say your healed?

[enlighten me]

I still have the scars but I would definitely say Im off the critical list now.

I live in a relatively small community that both my exs are from. There isn't a place here I can think of that I cannot link to either of them. I can go anywhere without even thinking of them. I don't have any songs that trigger me. There is no longer any anxiety to do with them. No longing for them. No running to rescue them. I had my son today and when I dropped him off I waved goodbye to him and didn't give her a second glance. I have reached indifference.

[Corgicuddler95]

Yeah I've been feeling that recently

For most of the time since the break up (3 months ago) I've been holding out hope for being recycled. I finally got some of the closure I deserved on Sunday and still had part of me hold on to hope.

But on monday she started saying she never wanted to hear from me again and accused me of acting terrifying. Nothing I do will stop me being painted black, she shows no remorse for hurting me and seems totally unaware of my feelings. For the first time in a long time I felt genuinely happy today. Good riddance.

[Mutt]

I guess I just want to let go... what are the steps?  How do people detach?  Is this just based off time or what? Tired of thinking of her and this situation it's burdened my mind for several months I just want to let go

Hi problemsolver,

I understand. Have you checked the lessons on the right side of the board? What stage of the 5 stages of Detachment do you find yourself in with where you are currently at with your healing path?

Attachment Leads to Suffering.

Detachment Leads to Freedom.

--------------------------------->

I feel like I'm in processing... but also moving onto creative action... the only thing about this step is of course I'm doing it for me but I definitely have a point to prove regarding achieving the goal.

I sounds to me like you are pushing to reach that goal. Can you explain what you mean by proving a point?

What valuable things have you discovered in your experience?

Would you say your healed?

Are you worried that there are wounds that may not heal?

[problemsolver]

I guess I just want to let go... what are the steps?  How do people detach?  Is this just based off time or what? Tired of thinking of her and this situation it's burdened my mind for several months I just want to let go

Hi problemsolver,

I understand. Have you checked the lessons on the right side of the board? What stage of the 5 stages of Detachment do you find yourself in with where you are currently at with your healing path?

Attachment Leads to Suffering.

Detachment Leads to Freedom.

--------------------------------->

I feel like I'm in processing... but also moving onto creative action... the only thing about this step is of course I'm doing it for me but I definitely have a point to prove regarding achieving the goal.

I sounds to me like you are pushing to reach that goal. Can you explain what you mean by proving a point?

What valuable things have you discovered in your experience?

Would you say your healed?

Are you worried that there are wounds that may not heal?

Well I know you have seen my more recent posts... she was telling me off, you have no life blah blah blah... .(not that she's taken any effort to see what I'm doing these days or what I've been doing the past few months)... .it's a lofty sports related goal perhaps I can explain more at a later date... I'm not doing it for her per se... but I want her to see... no I wasn't wasting my life... I had lofty goals... I didn't receive instant success and she kind of started talking down on me for it , like I'm never gonna be anything and that pisses me off

I suppose BPD should be easy to catch and most probably should avoid for romantic partners in the future. . Also learned to not be so gullible. . I mistaked her jealousy and possessive nature for "caring" but now it seems it was related to her image more then me

I'm honestly unsure if I can fully trust again... This girl worked over time breaking my barrier down but I later found out its mostly lies... I also want to let go as its apparent she has. She could be having dreams about me but she doesn't msg me and never will so I would like to put her behind me

[problemsolver]

Yeah I've been feeling that recently

For most of the time since the break up (3 months ago) I've been holding out hope for being recycled. I finally got some of the closure I deserved on Sunday and still had part of me hold on to hope.

But on monday she started saying she never wanted to hear from me again and accused me of acting terrifying. Nothing I do will stop me being painted black, she shows no remorse for hurting me and seems totally unaware of my feelings. For the first time in a long time I felt genuinely happy today. Good riddance.

Exactly most are hoping for a conversation or something which is fine because I was in that spot for 3 months... but I'm out of it ... time to let go

[Mutt]

I suppose BPD should be easy to catch and most probably should avoid for romantic partners in the future. . Also learned to not be so gullible. . I mistaked her jealousy and possessive nature for "caring" but now it seems it was related to her image more then me

Absolutely share your sports related goals when you're ready  

I'm not sure that I feel the same way about BPD and that it's easy to detect. You could say that it's an invisible disorder and the behaviors and acting out is directed towards loved ones.

Intimacy triggers the disorder and it triggers abandonment and engulfment fears with a sufferer of BPD. I think that it helps to have boundaries to protect our core values, boundaries are an invisible outward layer that protect us. The push / pull behavior brushing up against our boundaries should raise alarm bells that there's something off. Its a good idea to get to know somebody.

I can relate with how painful and difficult these experiences can be. I felt the same way about not trusting others because I was abandoned and rejected. I think it helps us if we're flexible, you may feel differently when you're further down your healing path?

I'm sorry that this happened. You're not going to be treated this way by everybody and I think that it's a good idea to not put walls up. People need to connect with people. What I found helps is having boundaries to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

My advice is to trust again with the right person (s) It's something to think about and I completely understand how that feels when we're unsure about trusting somebody again.