my 39 yr old daughter's progress

[jaya]

Five months ago I posted my introduction; I'm 72 and dealing with my BPD daughter's choices.  She had taken on some mini horses and boarded them for free or trade-out, at a nearby stable.  I had been paying her own rent for a year, because she had ongoing health crises and could no longer work, but when I realized she had no way of paying for maintenance and boarding of her minis, I pulled the financial plug, and with the help of advice and encouragement here on this site, I held my ground, knowing she should have learned her lesson before.  (She had bought a ranch and several horses a few years ago with her dad's inheritance, but she ran out of money and lost everything).  Since then she and her roommates have found a way to pay her share of the rent (DSHS), she had major urgent surgery in August (the last time I saw her was at the hospital) and is recovering to the point she hopes to go back to work soon.  So she has made progress; I have kept my distance (she continues to resent me for pulling the financial plug) but I phone and leave messages encouraging her for moving forward (she doesn't talk to me directly). Now I see a posting on social media that she needs to move the minis--she tends to feud with people.  Don't know how she is paying for hay, vet etc.  It's her problem.  I doubt I get a frantic call for financial bailout again, but if I do, I know I need continuing support.  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Now I see a posting on social media that she needs to move the minis--she tends to feud with people.  Don't know how she is paying for hay, vet etc.  It's her problem.  I doubt I get a frantic call for financial bailout again, but if I do, I know I need continuing support.  Thanks!

Welcome back, jaya

You are on the right track, I think... .It's hard to witness our child self-destruct right before our very eyes, but when that child is an adult, living on his/her own, and not looking for our advice, we do need to step back and see if he/she can figure it all out.

At best, if you do get that frantic call for financial help, you could use S.E.T. to handle the situation:

S=Support: ":)aughter, I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out for you the way you'd hoped... ."

E=Empathy: "If that happened to me, I would also be frantic and upset... ."

T=Truth: "I'm here for you as an emotional support system, and do care, though I cannot help financially... ."

Or something like that, maybe?