Hate and love at the same time

[klacey3]

I know its very common for our BPD ex's to claim they love us one day and the next want to leave. But is it common for them to love and hate you at the same time?

After the last couple of months of my ex switching between the love "i love you's, i would marry you if i thought you would say yes, you are the one, the best person I have ever known, my life is nothing without you" and the hate "i used you for money and to get over my ex, I never cared about you, i cheated on you many times throughout the relationship and its hilarious you believed what I used to you as you are so gullible, I always thought you were a boring snob"

He most recently said "I hate you but I love you and miss you more than anything. I am crying all of the time please talk to me"

It got me wondering whether its common for them to feel love and hate for someone at the same time? Or maybe my ex was just spouting rubbish without really meaning what he was saying?

[scgator]

Wow, I could have typed much of that myself. One day it was the nearly the same loving sentiments you typed and the next it was pretty much the same negative, hurtful comments. She told me I was just being used, that I was naive, she cheated, she hated me and I was a hazmat spill she had to clean up. I don't know if she meant all of it or none of it at this point and really, other than the occasional rumination, I don't care any more. I can't speak for anyone else but in her case I think the wild emotional swings had her just reacting from her immediate feelings much of the time. Like a child who is angry and tells the parent that they hate them. I think she meant both, at the time she said them, and in hindsight it was not behavior I or anyone deserved.

[Lifewriter16]

Quote by text from my BPDxbf back in April this year during one of the many dysregulations/breakups:

"I'm angry with you and I hate you and I don't miss you because right now that would hurt too much."


I think this sums up the BPD dilemma and the urge need to dissociate from loving emotions. Not sure what else it says, but I thought I'd throw it into the mix.

Love Lifewriter x

[lovenature]

Their reality depends on their current emotion of the moment. BPD is an intimacy disorder; the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they push you away. Love/hate, push/pull, chaos is how they survive; when things are going smooth they fear you will see who they really believe they are, and then you will abandon them. Only they can choose to get the help they need; sadly, most never do.

Look after yourself. 

[enlighten me]

My exgf said something once that has made me wonder about love and hate. I was in the middle of a long divorce and my ex wife had done some thing to upset me. I said I hated her and my now exgf said " I don't like the fact you hate her as that means you still have feelings for her".

This has always stuck with me.

It makes me wonder that if they cant make you love them then they can make you hate them so that they still matter as you still have feelings for them.

[klacey3]

Quote by text from my BPDxbf back in April this year during one of the many dysregulations/breakups:

"I'm angry with you and I hate you and I don't miss you because right now that would hurt too much."


I think this sums up the BPD dilemma and the urge need to dissociate from loving emotions. Not sure what else it says, but I thought I'd throw it into the mix.

Love Lifewriter x

I can understand that sort of logic. They cant be with us so they try to hate us because its less painful to hate someone than to miss someone you can't be with.

Enlighten me - thats another good perspective. If positive attention is something they cant get then negative attention they will aim for.

Scagtor - i have read some of your posts and we have alot of very similar stories. During the relationship mine would also say how much he loved me, then got angry and told me hurtful things, compared me to other girls (usually his ex) and then would say "but you didnt talk to me and you know it hurts me when you do that, so i said those things because I know it hurts you. Its obvious to everyone I love you". Then the next week he would say something like "if you dont see me tonight im gonna meet my ex and take her to my family party. She would make me proud, you are not really cut out of that sort of thing anyway"

Same old story all the time...

It seems like you are doing really well. How did you get to the point where remembering these things doesnt bother you anymore?

[scgator]

Scagtor - i have read some of your posts and we have alot of very similar stories. During the relationship mine would also say how much he loved me, then got angry and told me hurtful things, compared me to other girls (usually his ex) and then would say "but you didnt talk to me and you know it hurts me when you do that, so i said those things because I know it hurts you. Its obvious to everyone I love you". Then the next week he would say something like "if you dont see me tonight im gonna meet my ex and take her to my family party. She would make me proud, you are not really cut out of that sort of thing anyway"

Same old story all the time...

It seems like you are doing really well. How did you get to the point where remembering these things doesnt bother you anymore?

Hi Klacey,

Lol, I thought the same things - we all have very similar stories I guess. Thank you, I think I'm doing pretty well after dealing radically with my own issues, grieving for my childhood and now making myself live and enjoy life. Oh, remembering the things, good and bad, still bothers me. I've been thinking of her recently - we're in SC where all the flooding is going on so I was concerned but heard from her family that she hasn't contacted them and only does when she needs something. Sounds familiar.

Basically when I remember the good I tell myself it probably wasn't as good for her as it seemed, that she wasn't experiencing the same as what I felt or experienced, that she doesn't know what it means to be in a committed relationship. When I think of the bad and what I let myself be put through I tell myself I should have walked sooner and promise myself that I will not ever let myself be put through it again. I tell myself that I love me, will take care of me and will always be there, for me. That truly, if I love and accept myself I will never be alone. I accept that yes, I made promises in the beginning I couldn't keep and that was a mistake, so was not throwing up boundaries and letting myself be treated like a doormat. I also remember that she has friends who have told me I didn't deserve any of the behavior that I put up with. I remind myself that I'm a good guy, a nice guy, that my true friends all know this and accept me for me and that one day I'll meet a woman who will do the same. Someone who will give me the same love and compassion that I tried to give her. In the meantime, I'm learning to give myself that same love and compassion so that I will always have me to rely on. Understanding that life is about learning from our mistakes and moving on. Everything changes and in the end, we only have ourselves. I'm taking pride in my small victories - I am financially self-sufficient, I had the resources to get out and get my own place, I had the courage to get into therapy and begin living for me, finding new hobbies, making new friends, going out alone. Each little step has built up my own confidence in myself so the next comes a little easier. It's been a good couple of months. I have some personal goals I'm working toward and that feels good too.

When I hear her voice in my head, or my inner critic, or start replaying something good or bad, I just realize I don't have to give those thoughts any traction. A train of thought is like a train, if I don't get on it soon passes by. As soon as I realized that, dealing with the thoughts became easier. I visualize the train moving on and the thoughts kind of disappear.

That was a long answer to a short question! I guess I just hope some of what I'm doing helps others deal with this like it has helped me. I truly think, as I've read in other posts, that this becomes more about us than them and in the end, we will be stronger as a result. I think when we embrace that is when we can begin to heal ourselves, at least that's what's worked for me.

[sas1729]

I think it's possible. I experienced a milder version of what you are describing. In my case I remember my ex saying something along similar lines, something like "I love you but I'm angry with you right now." So pretty much the same but without the other mean things you mention.