Scagtor - i have read some of your posts and we have alot of very similar stories. During the relationship mine would also say how much he loved me, then got angry and told me hurtful things, compared me to other girls (usually his ex) and then would say "but you didnt talk to me and you know it hurts me when you do that, so i said those things because I know it hurts you. Its obvious to everyone I love you". Then the next week he would say something like "if you dont see me tonight im gonna meet my ex and take her to my family party. She would make me proud, you are not really cut out of that sort of thing anyway"
Same old story all the time...
It seems like you are doing really well. How did you get to the point where remembering these things doesnt bother you anymore?
Hi Klacey,
Lol, I thought the same things - we all have very similar stories I guess. Thank you, I think I'm doing pretty well after dealing radically with my own issues, grieving for my childhood and now making myself live and enjoy life. Oh, remembering the things, good and bad, still bothers me. I've been thinking of her recently - we're in SC where all the flooding is going on so I was concerned but heard from her family that she hasn't contacted them and only does when she needs something. Sounds familiar.
Basically when I remember the good I tell myself it probably wasn't as good for her as it seemed, that she wasn't experiencing the same as what I felt or experienced, that she doesn't know what it means to be in a committed relationship. When I think of the bad and what I let myself be put through I tell myself I should have walked sooner and promise myself that I will not ever let myself be put through it again. I tell myself that I love me, will take care of me and will always be there, for me. That truly, if I love and accept myself I will never be alone. I accept that yes, I made promises in the beginning I couldn't keep and that was a mistake, so was not throwing up boundaries and letting myself be treated like a doormat. I also remember that she has friends who have told me I didn't deserve any of the behavior that I put up with. I remind myself that I'm a good guy, a nice guy, that my true friends all know this and accept me for me and that one day I'll meet a woman who will do the same. Someone who will give me the same love and compassion that I tried to give her. In the meantime, I'm learning to give myself that same love and compassion so that I will always have me to rely on. Understanding that life is about learning from our mistakes and moving on. Everything changes and in the end, we only have ourselves. I'm taking pride in my small victories - I am financially self-sufficient, I had the resources to get out and get my own place, I had the courage to get into therapy and begin living for me, finding new hobbies, making new friends, going out alone. Each little step has built up my own confidence in myself so the next comes a little easier. It's been a good couple of months. I have some personal goals I'm working toward and that feels good too.
When I hear her voice in my head, or my inner critic, or start replaying something good or bad, I just realize I don't have to give those thoughts any traction. A train of thought is like a train, if I don't get on it soon passes by. As soon as I realized that, dealing with the thoughts became easier. I visualize the train moving on and the thoughts kind of disappear.
That was a long answer to a short question! I guess I just hope some of what I'm doing helps others deal with this like it has helped me. I truly think, as I've read in other posts, that this becomes more about us than them and in the end, we will be stronger as a result. I think when we embrace that is when we can begin to heal ourselves, at least that's what's worked for me.
