Hard feelings about Birthday and Holidays

[oceaneyes]

Brief background: I'm a little over 6 months into NC with my uBPD mother after she physically assaulted me in my own home. I've been NC with my dad for over 5 years.

I know this is probably common for everyone here, but I'm feeling a mixed bag of emotions about my upcoming birthday. I'm not really able to enjoy holidays or birthdays for a number of reasons but primarily because this is prime time for my uBPD mom and my uNPD dad to try to reach out to me. In the past few weeks, my mother has been repeatedly trying to contact me. I guess she finally realized I had blocked her number and she has now began to email me. Here's what I received today:

“I was going to text you about the weather but it looks as if you have changed your #.  Guess I can’t call you on your birthday huh?

You need to put an end to all this hostility against me. I am your mother and I love and miss you very much.”

Such a typical BPD response, I know. A few months ago I would have had a panic attack just seeing that I got an email from her, but today it was very easy to read that, roll my eyes, and block her email address. She has never admitted that she assaulted me, she has never apologized for her behavior, and I know that she never will. No matter how many times this happens I'm always still baffled at how pwBPD can spin things to make you the abuser. I haven't contacted my mother in any way since she assaulted me and yet I'm the one being hostile? It's laughable. She just cannot exist without being a victim.

I just want to enjoy my birthday, but like every year, I feel sad that it's a day I dread. Sad that I feel terrified about getting a card in the mail, or that my phone will ring. Every year when it rolls around, I just want to fade away and hide—it reminds me of how lonely and isolated I feel, not having a normal family. Every time someone wishes me a happy birthday it feels uncomfortable and awkward and stirs up all these emotions inside.

This is just the beginning, I know Thanksgiving is next, and then Christmas will for sure be extremely trying. I love Christmas but I know it's going to test me in new ways this year.

What do you normally do with letters or cards? Do you return to sender? Do you immediately throw them away? I feel like reading them is pointless, it's all a bunch of blaming, manipulation, and F.O.G. I don't know if returning to sender would send a clear message to not contact me, or just enrage her even more. I'd love to hear your experiences.

Thanks for reading.

[Kwamina]

Hi oceaneyes

I am sorry you are dealing with this mixed bag of emotions. Being physically assaulted by your own mother is bad enough and that she now turns you into the supposed aggressor who's being hostile, just adds insult to injury.

Not reading the communications or blocking them is probably wise.

I am not sure what message returning letters or cards to sender would sent. In the mind of your BPD mother such an act can be perceived in various ways. We have a workshop on here about how to deal with hostile e-mail communications and there are also some general lessons that can be derived from it for dealing with hostile written communications, whether it's text, e-mail, cards, letters etc.

Do You Need to Respond?

Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Take care

[lstar]

Hi Oceaneyes,

I am new to this site and I'm not very good at anything "techy", so I don't know if I've missed some posts of yours.  Are you married or do you have any children?  These can be good sources of love that you can indulge in on these holidays, birthday included.  Pick the kids up from school and head to your favorite restaurant!  But husbands and kids aren't necessary!  If you don't have any, you could take your birthday off from work and go out and do some self-indulging - being alone to indulge in whatever you like can be real nice.  If you've got a friend who can go with you, great!  And don't even get the mail (post or email) on your birthday. 

My mom (BPD) expects a special invitation to all holidays (they are always at my house).  She gets grumpy and tells my sister that she can't go to Thanksgiving dinner, etc. because I didn't invite her.  I've told my mom that nobody else asks for a special invitation and that she will never get one either. Everyone else just calls me and tells me they're coming over and what they can bring.  If my mom comes, she pouts and criticizes and tells us to hurry up with the whole affair so she can get back home to her dogs (who she yells at and slaps). 

Just a couple weeks ago, my mom had a birthday.  I sent her a $70 fall themed bouquet that I would have loved, a teddy bear, and a happy birthday balloon, and she never even mentioned it or thanked me.  She told my dad that she hates flowers and "why did she send me this monkey, I hate monkeys!  And where's the card!"  Birthdays are always screwed up when she's involved. 

So sorry about your holiday problem.  You could make yourself completely unavailable by volunteering at a homeless shelter or a nursing home or hospice.  You might have a lot of fun.  Take care.

[oceaneyes]

That's all really good feedback, thanks you guys!

Seems that I'm now dealing with a full on smear campaign. Things always get worse before they get better, right? Ugh.

After sending multiple emails last night (many that were just duplicates) she has now resorted to texting and emailing my in-laws. She sent a text to my MIL accusing her of controlling me and buying me off and included vague threats. Things like "I came into this world alone and I intend to leave it with my daughter behind me." I feel moderately threatened by that. My uBPDmom is what I would consider a waif/hermit type, but at what point should I feel concerned for my physical safety? Do pwBPD ever retaliate with physical violence? I live 3-4 hours away from her, but I've found my mind wandering to really dark places. I'm not sure what she's actually capable of. She's always lacked motivation to do anything, for example she's only visited me two times in the 4 years that I've lived further away from her. So I feel like realistically I shouldn't worry, but I obviously still do. Beyond saving these messages, is there anything else I should proactively do?

[lstar]

Hi again, Oceaneyes,

First about the in-laws... .I understand it must be awful for you in some ways for her to be texting your in-laws.  Your mom sounds jealous... .of them buying you off, etc. - I know its just made up crap.  It does seem though like your mom is fighting against them for possession of you.  That's how I read it, anyway.  I don't understand the "leaving with my daughter behind me".  If she said, "taking my daughter with me when I go" then I'd be more scared.  But still, quite an unsettling thing to have to wonder about.  Maybe you can ask her what it means?  That's a pretty stupid idea, I know.  Let's hope a moderator helps with this one.

Even though this all seems so bad, in a way there's a silver lining.  Now your in-laws are getting a sampling of your mom's nasty wrath.  What do your in-laws think of all this?  Are you close to them/are they fond of you?  And BTW, do you have any children to worry about considering that your mom is a potential threat.  My mom has gone after my dad with a knife lots of times.  Never actually hurt him though.  But he doesn't back down from her rages.  He meets her head on (probably not a good idea).

[Kwamina]

Hi again oceaneyes

It's quite unpleasant indeed that your mother is now also sending hurtful messages to other people in your life. The article I mentioned in my previous post also says something about how to deal with hostile e-mails/texts which have (also) been sent to others:

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact.

Here's an example from the article about a hostile e-mail that a husband sent to his wife and several of her friends and family-members:

If he sent this e-mail to friends, coworkers, or family members (which high-conflict people often do), she would need to respond to the larger group with more information, such as the following.Jane’s group response: “Dear friends and family, as you know, Joe and I had a difficult divorce. He has sent you a private e-mail showing correspondence between us about a parenting schedule matter. I hope you will see this as a private matter and understand that you do not need to respond or get involved in any way. Almost everything he has said is in anger and not at all accurate.

If you have any questions for me personally, please feel free to contact me and I will clarify anything I can. I appreciate your friendship and support.”

You feel somewhat threatened by some of the things your mother has said. Has your mother in the past ever been physically violent towards you or threatened to be? Did you in the past feel physically safe when you were around your mom?

[oceaneyes]

Thanks for responding!

lstar is correct, the rest of the message made it very clear that she's fighting over possession of me. It left me feeling really uncomfortable. I'm 30 years old and completely independent, no one controls me and my in-laws haven't bought me off. I have a great relationship with them because they are so caring, supportive and just fun to be around. My uBPD mom has always been a bit paranoid, but this text message took it to new levels. It's all a fabrication. I haven't even spoken to her since March.

My MIL is aware of the situation, and I have politely asked that she not share these messages with me. My MIL said she did not respond to the text from my uBPD mom and agreed that she wouldn't share them with me anymore.

My uBPD mom has slapped me when I was younger and the last time I saw her she pulled my hair because I walked away from her. Her threats are always vague, for example she has threatened to make my life "a living hell." I would say in the past I have felt nervous around my mom, but not physically unsafe. I made a point before going NC to not be around her by myself, or to be in a public place. Her increasingly erratic behavior scares me though and I feel like I'm not really sure what she's capable of.

I read through that article in addition to googling some others. It's a little different since the message wasn't sent to me and my MIL, it was only sent to my MIL and later passed on to me. I did find it helpful though, and used some of the suggested techniques when responding to my MIL.