10 weeks of NC & memories are fading away

[hopealways]

My friends, it has been 10 weeks of NC for me after a tumultuous 3 year relationship with my BPDx. I have kept a diary each day writing my feelings. The past few days my memories of her have started to fade. She is not the first thing on my mind any longer.  I am still heartbroken, but with time things have become a lot clearer.

It saddens me, I almost feel guilty, that those memories which I cherished, which gave me hope, are disappearing.  But the more I research BPD, the more tragic stories I read, the more I have come to accept that there is absolutely no hope of living a harmonious and loving life with someone who is BPD.

I have been on this forum for about 2 years and when I read my prior posts which I wrote in between the dozens of recycle attempts I am reminded of the downward spiral I went through.  While hopeful of the future, I am afraid of letting go of this chapter of my life. But I will.  Time to close this chapter and move on to the next chapter of my life.

[Loosestrife]

NC really does work. Well done for getting through this and trusting the process

[OnceConfused]

Congrats. You are on a better path now. stay on the path, and let no one pulls you off the path this time.

Happy journey.

[hopealways]

Thanks so much.

[Lifewriter16]

Well done, hopealways.

My situation is not dissimilar. Whilst we haven't been completely no contact over the last 7 months, my BPDxbf and I have had 7 recycles in that time and spent 18 weeks apart. Most of that time was spent in a series of periods of no contact either initiated by him or by me. The latest period of no contact was mutual. We have found it too painful to be in low contact because we love each other.

Like you, hopealways, I am finding that the memories are fading and I almost feel guilty for the fact that my feelings towards him are changing as I let them go. I am beginning to detach. The urgency to have him in my life has completely disappeared though I am still depending upon this website as I disconnect. What I am feeling a great deal is the anxiety of sitting with my own emotions.

I spoke to someone last night about my BPDxbf. She reminded me that he really did seem to love me, but he just doesn't seem able to cope with the emotions associated with intimacy. It left me feeling very sad, it re-opened a wound. I did want it to work out, but I can't be in a relationship with someone if it means being in constant pain and emotional chaos, not even for 'love'. I feel guilty for leaving him because I told him I loved him and wouldn't leave and I know he responded to that love with a certain amount of trust, but I couldn't follow through when I realised what us being together would entail. I am truly sorry that I let him down, but, I now realise with a certain amount of surprise, that peace is more important to me than love.

I think I have got to the point where I need to stop talking about him to keep healing. I think I may also need to back off from posting on this website soon. I think to do otherwise could keep me stuck. I can't tell you how sad that leaves me feeling. I am so grateful to the people here who have supported me, they have become like family to me through this difficult time. Thanks everyone.

Love Lifewriter xx

[cyclistIII]

Thanks for this; you give me hope. Sometimes I'm scared that these feelings will never fade and I will never get over him... .