Lying

[Beacher]

Oh lord.

My daughter is getting married in 30 days and I am trying to hold on and not do anything to stir the pot with my BPD husband. We are living in separate rooms at this point and he is positive I am going to divorce him once the wedding is over. I found out he is hiding money, has a gps on my cell phone and about a month ago he put security cameras in the house claiming it was to monitor our sick cats. Really?

He is requesting financial information about me which I have been able to intercept in the mail. I'm sure he will have some crazy excuse why he has been doing it but I feel like he is getting ready to take me down in his paranoia. He absolutely refuses to discuss his temper tantrums and completely denies them and says I'm the crazy one.

My nerves are shot and I'm just praying I can keep him calm until I can figure out what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Oh lord.

My daughter is getting married in 30 days and I am trying to hold on and not do anything to stir the pot with my BPD husband. We are living in separate rooms at this point and he is positive I am going to divorce him once the wedding is over. I found out he is hiding money, has a gps on my cell phone and about a month ago he put security cameras in the house claiming it was to monitor our sick cats. Really?

He is requesting financial information about me which I have been able to intercept in the mail. I'm sure he will have some crazy excuse why he has been doing it but I feel like he is getting ready to take me down in his paranoia. He absolutely refuses to discuss his temper tantrums and completely denies them and says I'm the crazy one.

My nerves are shot and I'm just praying I can keep him calm until I can figure out what to do.

It seems like you have quite a lot on your hands already. A wedding is going to cause dramas no doubt.

It seems like a lot of your problems arise from weak boundaries allowing his paranoia to trample all over your life, leaving you walking on eggshells.

There are plenty of members here who have, or are, walking in your shoes.


Waverider

[Moselle]

Hang in there beacher. It sounds like dysregulation in a very coordinated way.

Is he aware of how much this frustrates you?

It sounds like he's diagnosed. Is that correct?

[Beacher]

I have been married 9 years to him and knew he suffered from depression and anxiety but had no idea he was capable of such rage. In the beginning he cried profusely and begged my forgiveness and immediately went to a psychologist, a new psychiatrist ( was teleconferencing one from Florida, if you can believe that!) and got on new meds. So proactively tried his best. Then came incredible food binging ( fluctuates from 300 to 160), spending, fear of abandonment and feelings of emptiness. I have had to leave the house several times and we were separated for 2 months last year after he tried to jerk me off a chair 3 weeks after my spinal surgery. Now there are no more apologies, I am the crazy one, I am the one who needs help, it's all turned on me. Thanks to this site and speaking to my own doctors I've come to the conclusion he is BPD. I've tried boundaries and it infuriates him even more, usually denies his actions or twists it another way. Clearly I am not handling the situation correctly. We have been to 3 couples therapists and he disliked them all and felt ganged up on. When my daughter moved out I took over her room and put a lock on it so he cannot come bursting through. The last straw was after her food tasting he became enraged in the car and tried to grab at my cell thinking I was recording him and began swerving in and out of lanes ( denies). I am isolated in my room for 4 months now and just don't know how to deal with him without him ruining the wedding and as you say creating drama. Help!

[JohnLove]

So sorry to hear Beacher. Weddings seem to bring incredible stress to a pwBPD. You need to have a boundary against any physical stuff and the crazy driving that he didnt do. 

PwBPD also FREAK OUT about being recorded as it messes with their amnesia, gas lighting, and rewriting history. That's why when necessary I DO IT to protect myself.

Couples therapy can be completely ineffective for pwBPD as they often go along to manipulate the counsellor and triangulate you. By your statement my guess is he tried to gang up on you and it backfired and he felt his own intent. Doesn't seem to like the taste of his own medicine?When their manipulation fails (as it should) and it looks like they are going to face their own deplorable behaviour they're outta there!

Twisting the truth, denial of facts, are all BPD behaviours... ."not handling the situation correctly"?... .I suspect it is not you and you are just doing the best you can.

My partner suffering from BPD and I have discussed the prospect of marriage. She had her neighbour get married a few days ago. She does not speak to this neighbour and only knows because they came home and were in the back yard in suits and a wedding dress. I could see the strain in her voice and the pain on her face just from THAT.

You have every right to be concerned and afraid. Problem is. You shouldn't have to be.

All my best to you. 

[unicorn2014]

Hi Beacher, I'm very sorry you are going through this. Have you read about projection in the book stop walking on eggshells? Its where a person with BPD projects their bad feelings on to another person so they don't have to deal with them. It sounds to me like that what's your husband is doing to you. Do you agree?

[Beacher]

Yes I definitely agree. When I met hi. He screamed and cursed at his parents and seemed to blame them for his unhappiness. He vowed me as his savior and love of his life he had been waiting for and to be honest his parents were pretty messed up and could drive ME crazy with their lies and behavior but now I see he just needs someone to blame. Unfortunately from what I've read it's always the people closest to them that only see it, which is why it is so hard to diagnose. I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 19 years sober which he always supported and was so proud of, now he views me as the crazy one with addict behavior and why we have problems. Oy. I read a little of eggshells but will download the rest. I've read I hate you, don't leave me, and this confirmed my belief that he has BPD. I am going to attempt the SET approach, just hope I can get so,ethereal and remain calm. I've never been so upset and depressed in my life ;(

[unicorn2014]

Yes I definitely agree. When I met hi. He screamed and cursed at his parents and seemed to blame them for his unhappiness. He vowed me as his savior and love of his life he had been waiting for and to be honest his parents were pretty messed up and could drive ME crazy with their lies and behavior but now I see he just needs someone to blame. Unfortunately from what I've read it's always the people closest to them that only see it, which is why it is so hard to diagnose. I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 19 years sober which he always supported and was so proud of, now he views me as the crazy one with addict behavior and why we have problems. Oy. I read a little of eggshells but will download the rest. I've read I hate you, don't leave me, and this confirmed my belief that he has BPD. I am going to attempt the SET approach, just hope I can get so,ethereal and remain calm. I've never been so upset and depressed in my life ;(

I recommend checking out swoe from the library if you can, if not i think you can probably find it on amazon.com for cheap.

Have you thought about getting a therapist for yourself? I actually went back into therapy myself when a crisis arose with my fiance.

[Beacher]

Yes I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for about 4 months now. Should have gone sooner. Put me on lexapro because I was in such a state. They have both helped me a great deal and am so grateful that I found them and this board. I always thought it was just his depression that caused this behavior but was able to finally put it all together to see it is BPD. A great relief but also profound sadness

[unicorn2014]

Beacher, yes depression and BPD definitely are not the same thing. A person with BPD can have depression, but not all people with depression have BPD.