Difficult conversation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Things have been peaceful at home for a long time, but last night things escalated again. As I wrote on the legal board, my wife made an ultimatum regarding property ownership. Last night I felt like I needed to respond to that. I suggested we could transfer ownership of our home (more valuable) to her and that I take over a rental property (where I am considering living down the line).

She then tells me "how convenient for you, that is like me giving you xxx money" (she has paid more in total from an inheritance). I asked her if that means she does not believe I own 50 % of the properties? And it went downhill from there... .

She kind of lost it, she said she cannot accept living without the children under any circumstances. Asked me if I could take every second weekend (unacceptable to me). Desperately asked "what about 4 days then". Then going back to how sad it would be to separate, now is the time we really could start living after all the hardships, we could have it so good, etc etc.

Tried to validate and calm her at the best of my ability but it was not enough.

When going to sleep she came over to my bedroom (we have separate ones) and asked if she could sit there for a while.

Some of the things I recall her saying:

- I cannot stand living alone, I don't know what I'd do.

- I will get severely depressed living alone, like falling down a black hole.

- I feel totally worthless when I'm alone.

- What if I get so depressed that I want to kill myself? (unnverving to hear, she's never mentioned that before. Although I doubt she'd do something like that, I suggested she needs to talk to someone about it)

- I don't hate your family at all

- What should we do?

- I don't know what to do.

- I won't be able to sleep at all tonight.

I have no idea how to respond to most of the things she said.

I eventually had to tell her that I needed to get up in 6 hours and could not talk more, after which she left the room. She did stay up all night, sent an email to me in the morning. In it she wrote that she can't see herself living alone without the kids. She understands that I don't feel good either about things.

Also, she has contacted a therapist (great!), although that therapist is focused on relationships (maybe not so great).

The morning after this she was in a fairly good mood again.

She wants to continue talking tonight, which I don't look forward to. Any suggestions?

[empathic]

Things have been peaceful at home for a long time, but last night things escalated again. As I wrote on the legal board, my wife made an ultimatum regarding property ownership. Last night I felt like I needed to respond to that. I suggested we could transfer ownership of our home (more valuable) to her and that I take over a rental property (where I am considering living down the line).

She then tells me "how convenient for you, that is like me giving you xxx money" (she has paid more in total from an inheritance). I asked her if that means she does not believe I own 50 % of the properties? And it went downhill from there... .

She kind of lost it, she said she cannot accept living without the children under any circumstances. Asked me if I could take every second weekend (unacceptable to me). Desperately asked "what about 4 days then". Then going back to how sad it would be to separate, now is the time we really could start living after all the hardships, we could have it so good, etc etc.

Tried to validate and calm her at the best of my ability but it was not enough.

When going to sleep she came over to my bedroom (we have separate ones) and asked if she could sit there for a while.

Some of the things I recall her saying:

- I cannot stand living alone, I don't know what I'd do.

- I will get severely depressed living alone, like falling down a black hole.

- I feel totally worthless when I'm alone.

- What if I get so depressed that I want to kill myself? (unnverving to hear, she's never mentioned that before. Although I doubt she'd do something like that, I suggested she needs to talk to someone about it)

- I don't hate your family at all

- What should we do?

- I don't know what to do.

- I won't be able to sleep at all tonight.

I have no idea how to respond to most of the things she said.

I eventually had to tell her that I needed to get up in 6 hours and could not talk more, after which she left the room. She did stay up all night, sent an email to me in the morning. In it she wrote that she can't see herself living alone without the kids. She understands that I don't feel good either about things.

Also, she has contacted a therapist (great!), although that therapist is focused on relationships (maybe not so great).

The morning after this she was in a fairly good mood again.

She wants to continue talking tonight, which I don't look forward to. Any suggestions?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, Why don't you set a time to talk that works for you?  I'm unsure whether you have a particular question or questions for the Board.  You seem quite focused on what your W said.  What about you?  What do you want to see happen?  I know this is a hard question.

LuckyJim

[empathic]

Hey empathic, Why don't you set a time to talk that works for you?  I'm unsure whether you have a particular question or questions for the Board.  You seem quite focused on what your W said.  What about you?  What do you want to see happen?  I know this is a hard question.

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim, good questions (as always).

I think I know deep down what needs to happen, but the transition A->B is seemingly impossible.

Among other things I want to:

- be able to be in my own home without feeling anxious most of the time.

- feel appreciation/accomplishment for what I do for the home and kids (even if it's just me feeling that way, without someone who points out flaws)

- work on my hobbies an hour now and then without interruption.

- be able to work from home when it suits me, not following another persons schedule.

- spend time with my side of the family without feeling guilty.

- think about the future in a positive way again.

After the evening in question, I was totally lost in the FOG. I didn't really know what I needed help with because I felt discouraged by the whole thing. If my spouse knowingly limits my options the way she did, how will I be able to break free?

[OnceConfused]

everything is possible. The possibility starts from a desire and a willingness to do whatever it takes.

It looks like your marriage is heading toward a divorce ? Am I correct?

Focus on what you can control and ignore what you can't. For example,

1. feel appreciation  - you cannot control this one as it is given by others. So if your wife is not willing to do just that , then you have to look for your own satisfaction with what you do.

2. Spend time with your side of the family. YOu can control this, so you can simply tell your wife that you will spend so and so time to visit with your family. If she huffs and puffs then ignore her, don't get involved in a argument as to why and why not. You are an adult, not a child. You should not ask permission as equal, you should only let them know what you do , as courtesy. Again don't try to justify what you do and get into an endless argument.

3. be able to be in your own home without feeling anxious. Well, you cannot control what your wife does or wants to do, but you can control how you feel about what she does. People who are negative will send a negative vibe to their surrounding, since you cannot avoid them (you share a living space) then "Be like a duck in the rain, let the rain drops run off your body". Don't get engage or argue, because precisely at that point, you will pick up the negative energy. Perhaps you can say fillers like, "I see or I understand", then go back to what you were doing. If the conversation continues and you can say, "I understand your point of view, but for now I would like to do this ... ., can you give me until I finish ... ."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, From my point of view, it's all do-able.  Getting from A to B is definitely possible; suggest you avoid artificial roadblocks.  I agree with the points made by OnceConfused, which I think are well taken.  It's likely that your spouse will continue to attempt to limit your options, and it's up to you to take the steps necessary to carry out those options.  For example, I wanted to go to a college football game with friends.  BPDxW said No Way, because the car insurance had expired.  I said it hasn't expired and I'm going.  Then she said something about needing to use the car, and added something she claimed I needed to do with the kids.  I said, Look, I'm going even if I have to hitchhike.  Finally, she asked if she and the kids could come, to which I said, Sure.  I guess what I'm saying is that you have to be firm in your goals, because otherwise you'll never get to the outcome you seek.  This is just an example and of course your situation is different.

LuckyJim