Coming to terms with my anger towards my dad.

[AloneAtLast]

I don't know.  My mother is BPD/npd/mean witch.  Always has been.  Getting worse in her old age.  The first time I went no contact it lasted three years.  I was never happier.  Now, every time I get back in the family it is harder and harder to get out.  Then my sister died.  I fell back in step with the madness because ... .well... .a zillion different reasons.  The plus was I got my other sister back.  She thinks mom and dad can do no wrong.  I said to myself I will follow God's commandment to honor thy father and mother but I now see to do so is to honor evilness.  I wondered how long it would take mother to destroy my new relationship with my sister.  It took three months.  I guess it wasn't so hard anyway for her to do.  Afterall, sister did say about seven years ago that she just can't love me the way I want her to.  Which I guess means at all because we have for the last thirty years called each other maybe twice a year.  I always called her.  She never called me.  I knew it was coming when mother said to me last week "Well, I never hear from anybody and now that your sister has YOU she never calls."  I saw it as a threat.  It came through.  I am no match for her.  I was talking to queen witch on the phone and she was doing her usual one hour long diatribe of how rotten her life is and how mean dad is to her.  Thing is all the stuff she says he did to her she has done to me.  I feel no sympathy for that stuff and besides... .her relationship with her husband is their business ALONE.  I tried to tell her that.  You can guess where it went and now my sister won't talk to me or respond.

I guess I didn't lose anything.  I knew when I went back in to remember that my sister really did say she can't love me or something like that.  She admitted it to me long ago but said that mother had "No right to tell me that."  I decided to trust a little and try.  Three months.

Dad just sits on the sidelines and unless something is on fire he doesn't get involved.  He never got involve when I was nine years old and eating my own tears at the table because mother wouldn't let me get down until I ate something I didn't want to eat.  He let her call me every name in the book.  He has never interfered.  He took the lazy way out and now, just now I am starting to hate him. He called me a slut the first time I got a kiss from a boy.  Mother was the worst one.  He was plenty bad.  I always wondered when and if I would address my or even acknowledge my feelings about him.  I guess I am now.  He has let her get away with everything all these years.  He never cared how it would impact us all.

Oh and by the way, I never ever say the slightest derogatory thing about mom and dad.  Won't engage like that.  The Bible says do not gossip.  I won't.  Except here where it is safe.

[HappyChappy]

I do feel for you and I’m sorry to hear about your sister and your loss. My BPD often quoted “Honour thy mother” but a wise vicar told me, “first you must act like a mother” and BPD rarely do, unconditional love and all that.

I remembered when I first realised I’d been had over by a BPD mom, the anger towards my inert and passive dad hung around. But my therapist took me through something called radical acceptance. In the process I realised that had my dad left things would have been much worse. So the fact he sulked in a chair saying “I don’t know what to do” and hid from her rage whilst I took the full brunt, I rationalised. A BPD is normally inhibited by others observing their nasties, so for me things would have been much worse had my dad left. What about in your case ? Also a BPD normally targets people that will do the right thing and try and save them, who don’t lie and don’t leave. My dad fits that bill, which is kind of honourable. He also use to tell me off for raging against the machine, my BPD wasn’t that bright so I could normally beet her in a debate, but as my dad saw it, we should all hide until the storm ends. But what he missed is a scapegoat can’t hide, my BPD would hunt me down. But I guess I never realised that until now, so why would my dad ? Either way I fully understand why this must be hard for you, but the more you understand things, the more you may be able to see your dad was a victim, a chump, just as we were. Let’s not forget, your dad was schooled at a time none of this was known.

On the point of being forced to eat stuff you didn’t like, our dad was forced to sit at the dinner table until every plate had been licked clean. And our BPD dumped some atrocities’ onto our plates. If we waited it out until bed time, it went into the fridge and was bought out the next day. Does seem odd that our dad’s would allow this sort of nonsense, but when you see what high functioning people with PD can do (e.g. Hitler, Ted Bundy etc... .) then you realise brainwashing just one man when you can control most of the messages he gets, has got to be easy peasy. Go easy on yourself, and your right to get angry, but have a look at radical acceptance. I also found NC worked well for me.