Married BPDD 25 with children. Where do we draw the line for "food" money?

[mapahall]

My daughter was diagnosed when she was 18 with BPD she ended up marrying an alcoholic who is Bi polar. They live in such a dysfunctional atmosphere and are trying to raise two little boys as well. They never have enough money because her hubbys job is seasonal. We have given them money but are feeling like we are not helping their situation. But how do you say no to money for milk and bread for her babies?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

You decide how much you are willing to give without a) hurting yourselves financially or b) expecting anything in return.

Or you step back and allow your DD and her husband to look for help by themselves-I'm not sure where you live, but I assume there must be services available?

Or you do some research and show them where they can get help.

Or you reach a point where your grandchildren's safety becomes paramount and you express your concerns to child welfare-or somebody else does.

But, you have to choose the path that you can live with and that isn't easy and no one else can tell you where you want to draw the line. But don't let the fear rule you or end up enabling your DD. Help her help herself.

[enlighten me]

Rather than give money is there something else you can do? I was thinking along the lines of internet food shopping. I did this with my ex wife to ensure the children didn't go without and I didn't give my ex money that she could use elsewhere.

I only did it a couple of times when my boys complained about not having much to eat at home. I went on line ordered the items and had them delivered on a day and time that I knew she was in. I then told her that she had a delivery coming for the boys. I never got thanks for it but I knew my sons had something in to eat so thanks wasn't why I did it.

[mapahall]

My BPD D lives a couple of hours from us. Both her and her hubby are masters of manipulation and getting money from whoever they can. They have burned many bridges because of this. They always make it seem like it's an emergency if they can't pay their car insurance or their rent or their cable etc... .and it's always right at the due date time and everything is going to get cut off or their car towed away! So we feel so much pressure to help them out. I often go to their city and take her grocery shopping instead of giving her money. I'm just worried about their two boys and their well being.

[mimi99]

It must be so hard for you to be a couple of hours away from your grandsons and having to worry if they have enough to eat. Have you been keeping a written record of all the requests for money, etc? That can help if you feel you need to intercede in a more formal manner.

My BPDd24 frequently complained about not having money for gas, etc. She insisted she could not afford to pay rent, but always had cigarettes, carry out food and Red Bulls, etc. I offered to help her budget, but she was very resistant to it. I finally realized how out of touch she was when she informed me that she felt $30/week was a reasonable amount to spend on carry-out. (On a part-time minimum wage job) I don't even spend that much eating out weekly! I stopped giving her money or a break on paying rent, etc. This resulted in what I guess is called an "extinction burst". Raging that we would never see our granddaughter again, were the worst parents in the world and had never been there for her, etc--you know the routine.

Have you considered contacting the kids school? Social services? Seasonal workers are often eligible for unemployment during the off-season. When they contact you in freak-out mode you can calmly offer the information you have found and leave the rest to them. I try to remember that my daughters thinking is so disordered that "my car insurance in cancelled and I will lose my job" actually translates into, "I don't know where my insurance card is or how to get a new one to show my boss"

Or "the health dept won't let me sign up for therapy" is actually "I called once and they didn't call me back"

So maybe they are reacting in a typical BPD fashion of panic without checking the facts first.

Good luck, and hugs to you

[Mutt]

hubbys job is seasonal.

Hi mapahall,

I would be worried about the babies too. I think that your question may be "when will this end?"

You have a lot of good advice so far. You said the kids are babies? She could return to work again part time or full time when they are a little older and in pre-kindergarten, kindergarten, first grade...

[lbjnltx]

Putting together a list of resources for financial aid ie food stamps, WIC, utilities help, employment help, unemployment compensation, Medicaid for the kids would be a good place to start.  At some point handing the responsibility back to the parents needs to happen. 

In the interim taking her shopping for groceries so that you know your money is being spent on the kids makes sense.