Does It Ever End? uBPDsis Repeating The Same Old Horrible Lies

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone.  Sorry - just needed to offload.  Some of you may know my story, my uBPDsis has always been difficult, attention seeking, always the victim, oversensitive, and occasionally showed signs of intermittent explosive anger, where she can be really scary and physically threatening (though she's not especially big or strong).  She lives an hour away, and as I generally walked on eggshells around her, our relationship was mostly ok.  After my Mum died she completely turned on me, and blocked us from sorting out our Mum's estate - it was really hellish for 2 years because of this, and the truly vile distortion campaign she started against me.  In the end I had to start court proceedings or it would not have ended, and it worked, I didn't need to go to court in the end, she caved in late in the day and co-operated with sale of property etc. and I thought it was all over.  She is still holding on to quite a lot of money, half of which is mine, and she took all my Mum's jewellery and all the photos (she was living at Mum's house although she has her own), but I had thought I would let it go, just to have it all finished with and be at peace.  But then I started getting letters from the gas company - she owes them a lot of money as she just stopped paying for gas while she lived at my Mum's after she died, (nearly 2 years).  They were coming after me for it as I am co-executor, although of course I am not liable for these bills.  It has taken a long time and a lot of stress, but they finally accept I am not liable, although their debt collectors still send letters to the probate solicitors who acted for us, as clearly they are not getting anywhere, and the probate solicitor sends them to me, as if he sends them to uBPDsis she will just ignore them anyway.  She has been pretending not to receive any mail for the last 2 years, even when it has been hand delivered and there is photographic evidence to prove it!  She has launched a complaint against the probate solicitor and they had to stop acting for us a year ago.  She had tried to stop them paying me my share of some money, and when her plan didn't work she complained to the ombudsman, and that saga is ongoing.  The probate solicitor, who is the nicest guy you could meet, and who so does not deserve this, holds some estate money which he wants to send us.  I instructed him to split it 50/50 and send us half each, even though I should really have it all as she has kept so much else, but he can't do anything as she has instructed that he cannot release it!  He also needs instructions regarding an account which my Mum added my sister to, as a signatory, just for admin purposes.  The money in there is estate money, it has been declared to the tax authorities, and we have paid inheritance tax on it, but my sister will not send me my share  of it.  I realised a while ago that even if I wave goodbye to the money, this stuff is going to keep coming at me, because all these third parties, like the solicitor, and the utility companies, just want to close their files, and they can't because she won't deal with it properly.  I decided therefore to take her to the small claims court, if I'm lucky I might get some of the money I'm owed, but mainly I just want a legal letter that says I am no longer liable for anything, so all this silliness can stop.  I haven't been comfortable about taking this action, and was hoping she would realise she can't win and would sort things out, but the preliminary hearing is on Friday.  My solicitor will be there to do all the talking but I am dreading seeing her.  He just sent me a letter she had sent him accusing him of all sorts of things, repeating old lies about me stealing things, saying she doesn't have any of the jewellery, and lying lying lying about the money.  I just feel sick reading all this stuff.  She says that on such and such a day I said that I had always hated her etc. etc.  She copied the letter to the court.  I know it's all nonsense, but I will never understand the point of this stuff.  I have never said to anyone that I hate them!  Why this need to tell all these hateful lies?  In a way I am glad now I have brought the action, I know this letter is probably because she is now under pressure - on Friday she will have to lie to a judge about the money etc.  But I just feel so worn down with it all, a few months ago I thought the worst was over, sometimes it feels like it will never end.  Thanks for letting me vent! 

[Linda Maria]

Hi everyone.  Sorry - just needed to offload.  Some of you may know my story, my uBPDsis has always been difficult, attention seeking, always the victim, oversensitive, and occasionally showed signs of intermittent explosive anger, where she can be really scary and physically threatening (though she's not especially big or strong).  She lives an hour away, and as I generally walked on eggshells around her, our relationship was mostly ok.  After my Mum died she completely turned on me, and blocked us from sorting out our Mum's estate - it was really hellish for 2 years because of this, and the truly vile distortion campaign she started against me.  In the end I had to start court proceedings or it would not have ended, and it worked, I didn't need to go to court in the end, she caved in late in the day and co-operated with sale of property etc. and I thought it was all over.  She is still holding on to quite a lot of money, half of which is mine, and she took all my Mum's jewellery and all the photos (she was living at Mum's house although she has her own), but I had thought I would let it go, just to have it all finished with and be at peace.  But then I started getting letters from the gas company - she owes them a lot of money as she just stopped paying for gas while she lived at my Mum's after she died, (nearly 2 years).  They were coming after me for it as I am co-executor, although of course I am not liable for these bills.  It has taken a long time and a lot of stress, but they finally accept I am not liable, although their debt collectors still send letters to the probate solicitors who acted for us, as clearly they are not getting anywhere, and the probate solicitor sends them to me, as if he sends them to uBPDsis she will just ignore them anyway.  She has been pretending not to receive any mail for the last 2 years, even when it has been hand delivered and there is photographic evidence to prove it!  She has launched a complaint against the probate solicitor and they had to stop acting for us a year ago.  She had tried to stop them paying me my share of some money, and when her plan didn't work she complained to the ombudsman, and that saga is ongoing.  The probate solicitor, who is the nicest guy you could meet, and who so does not deserve this, holds some estate money which he wants to send us.  I instructed him to split it 50/50 and send us half each, even though I should really have it all as she has kept so much else, but he can't do anything as she has instructed that he cannot release it!  He also needs instructions regarding an account which my Mum added my sister to, as a signatory, just for admin purposes.  The money in there is estate money, it has been declared to the tax authorities, and we have paid inheritance tax on it, but my sister will not send me my share  of it.  I realised a while ago that even if I wave goodbye to the money, this stuff is going to keep coming at me, because all these third parties, like the solicitor, and the utility companies, just want to close their files, and they can't because she won't deal with it properly.  I decided therefore to take her to the small claims court, if I'm lucky I might get some of the money I'm owed, but mainly I just want a legal letter that says I am no longer liable for anything, so all this silliness can stop.  I haven't been comfortable about taking this action, and was hoping she would realise she can't win and would sort things out, but the preliminary hearing is on Friday.  My solicitor will be there to do all the talking but I am dreading seeing her.  He just sent me a letter she had sent him accusing him of all sorts of things, repeating old lies about me stealing things, saying she doesn't have any of the jewellery, and lying lying lying about the money.  I just feel sick reading all this stuff.  She says that on such and such a day I said that I had always hated her etc. etc.  She copied the letter to the court.  I know it's all nonsense, but I will never understand the point of this stuff.  I have never said to anyone that I hate them!  Why this need to tell all these hateful lies?  In a way I am glad now I have brought the action, I know this letter is probably because she is now under pressure - on Friday she will have to lie to a judge about the money etc.  But I just feel so worn down with it all, a few months ago I thought the worst was over, sometimes it feels like it will never end.  Thanks for letting me vent! 

[Kwamina]

Hi Linda Maria

Yes I remember your story and your sisters antics quite well. It's very unfortunate she behaves this way and I can totally see how stressful this would be.

There will be a preliminary hearing Friday at which you are going to see your sister. Your solicitor is there to do all the talking, yet it still might help for you to go through some of the communication techniques described on this website as they can also help keep you calm and focused:

Responding to hostile communications - BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly) and Firm

How to stop circular arguments - Don't J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

I think it helps to be prepared so I hope you'll find these resources helpful

[Linda Maria]

Thanks Kwamina!  I thought I was over most of this - my experience though horrible, is nothing compared to what many people here have been through and are still going through.  I don't live close to my sister, and I am mainly NC, but I just need to get through this last bit, then whatever the outcome it will be over.  The horrible letter I had to read yesterday is not the worst she's ever sent, but it's so hard not to be shaken by it, the lies are so nasty, and so mad, but it's the pointlessness of the whole business that always gets to me.  What normal person would ever say things like this? Whos does it impress or benefit?  The legal system doesn't care if I'm a nice person or not.   I will tough it out on Friday and see what happens.  My solicitor thinks she won't show, if she does, I wouldn't be surprise if she doesn't turn up in a fake plaster cast on some limb and go for the sympathy vote - it's the sort of thing she'd do!  Just got to remember all my blessings, which are many.  Thanks again.