I'm on a rollercoaster

[izzitme]

It has been a while since I was here.  I'm really down right now.  The SO has brought the laundry list of ways that I am failing in the relationship yet again and of course it always coincides with something good happening in my life, this time a long desired promotion.  I expressed my true feelings about the SO to our mutual therapist while I was having a session alone and now I feel guilty and like I betrayed my loved one.  Double whammy.  I wanted the therapist to understand the true behavior that is going on because session after session is about me falling short in the relationship and all the ways that I have to change.  It is infuriating to me.  I am either on a pedestal or not a good partner at all who makes my loved one feel alone.  My new job is too demanding for me to be in constant emotional upheavel so something has to give.  I realize that I have fragile self esteem and the SOs behavior leaves it vulnerable to breaking.  No one has ever loved me or made me feel more desired and no one has ever hurt me, humiliated or made me feel lower than my SO.  That is why it is so hard to leave and why I get so hooked.  If I just fix the gripes against me I will get back to the romance and love, so I am endlessly striving.  If I had stronger self esteem I think I wouldn't be so emotionally susceptible to the roller coaster.  Has anyone ever experienced this?  How do I raise my self esteem and not come to depend so much on the highs in the relationship?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

  I sure can relate. I'm sorry you are dealing with this! I am just coming back up from a down time with my pwBPD. I have worked hard at the lessons and on myself and am better able to emotionally distance myself. It is still hard, but much more manageable! I have learned to step back (in my mind) and look at the dysregulation and complaints from a distance. Sometimes it is so crazy I almost giggle, but other times it is like a knife straight into my heart. I have read about every book out there, but Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist has been a great help. Peace to you!

[an0ught]

Hi izzitme,

It has been a while since I was here.  I'm really down right now.  The SO has brought the laundry list of ways that I am failing in the relationship yet again and of course it always coincides with something good happening in my life, this time a long desired promotion.  I expressed my true feelings about the SO to our mutual therapist while I was having a session alone and now I feel guilty and like I betrayed my loved one.  Double whammy. 

you seem to be struggling with criticism, self judgment and dealing with consequences of your actions. That is common for people with low self esteem.

How do I raise my self esteem and not come to depend so much on the highs in the relationship?

Have you taken a look at our book section: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=183126.0 . I found this book quite useful in some areas.