Doing the best I can but its not enough

[BPDMomAndHusband]

I had a BPD mom and a father who chose another family I had to see grow up much more beloved. I have complex post traumatic syndrome from my mom, finally diagnosed at age 55. She was the "witch" type if you know your Lawson. That is the kind of attacks from nowhere and makes you never trust anyone again.

I have never had a circle of friends although I have had one or two.

I had a wonderful boy friend in college who was the first person to love me unconditionally. I had not been kissed until I went to college. I made up for it when men noticed I was attrqctive and I could use it for self esteem. Lived with boyfriend in same city where my father was busy with his new family. But I had to break up because aside from our love w really had nothing in common. It was hard but we remained friends until he got remaired a year later. I was hulled through my life because I was too terrified to talk to people and I guess they thougth I was better than them. I still don't kinow how to talk to people. When from one therapist to another.

Finally fell in love with the man I wanted to spend forever with. He is cosmopolitan and witty and made me laugh. I should have realized some things about him over the ficve years we dated. But no red flags. I did not know that he could not look at himself and could not hear any thing that sounded like criticism. I did not know that anything that sounded like criticism would build until he could not stand me.

For many years we were happy, I played the rolle of the sick one he the martyr. To a ertain extent he was right, but he put me down down down she he could not look at himself. He could yell WHAT;S WRONG WITH YOU  while I could say nothing. To make it worse I couldn't find a job because I was not5appropriate because I was raised by wolves and never learned how to get along with people.

So after 25 years of marriage I said no to the relentless criticism, double standards and shrink sessions he would use to get the get the therapist on his side. I saw no way out. I did not have the strength of ego to stay I took a bunch of pills and decided my only option was to live.

It was more of an intellectual understanding. I have no one besides him in my life. My critical parents are almost dead;. My sister decided she doesn't like me. I am really not that unlikable. He just wanted me to believe exactly as him. husband for llast 15 years we have not had sex. sAW ANOTHE3R THERPIST. He complained what a rotten person I am so he didn't want to.

Finally decided to get a divorce. But I am not sure how. Have no health insurance. Friends rejected me. Few people to talk to and no where to go. It hurts so much I can't breathe or do the work at home I have to do that will earn me a living. I iknow I want to live but not right at the moment.

I feel like I have wasted my life hating myself and being scared of people. And having parent, then forgiving them but it still hurts like hell when I reak or see supportive parents. I have to ask my husband to skill me. He gets an unhappy face and hugs me with one hand.  I am 55 and have chronic illnesses, some caused by parenting.

I have a good therapist ho is treating the cpst. I have an eating disorder and can't imagine dating when I have an eating disorder and I don't know who I am except with an abused person by many who has no friends.

I guess this is why I am here. Don't need to process kids. Need to learn how to break up and live on my own and I don't knoe how

[enlighten me]

Hi BPDMomAndHusband

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you have been through so much and are still going through it.

I hope this site can help you as much as it has helped me.

There are some lessons on the leaving board which might be of help to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Also the lesson on coping with a family member who has BPD might be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

It helped me to be able to talk to others that had been through or where going through what I had.

Please keep reading and posting. It really does help.

EM

[cyclistIII]

Welcome to the site! What you are going through is really, really, really hard, and 25 years is a long time. You have a lot of healing to do but it sounds like you are making the right first steps. (And how awesome to have a good therapist! They can be hard to find.)

I think in the very beginning of grief like this, all you can really do is be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, love yourself, and trust that it will get better.

It will get better. It will be hard, but it will start to be less hard, and then even less hard. As time goes on you will have more energy and emotional resources to do more things to reengage with the world and heal, but right now maybe just take it day by day, and don't judge yourself if it's all you can do to get through the day. You are enduring a lot.

"I know I want to live but not right at the moment" -- I had that exact same thought in the month after the break-up: I don't want to die but can I just go into a coma and wake up when the pain is over? I also felt at times like I couldn't breathe.

It got better. I'm still hurting but it's more in the background instead of the primary focus of my life.

Again, welcome to the site -- there are a lot of resources here to help you, including people who totally understand what you're going through.