First Posting

[ArmyRetTom15]

I always knew something was wrong! My wife had been in counseling for years.  She even told me once she was told she had BPD.  I thought, OK great now that her counselor identified the problem it would get taken care of.  Silly me!  Now our 5 children are all grown up out of the house, I retire from the Army after 32 years and think life will be great!  However, on my first trip back home to visit by myself I find out my wife cleaned out the house and moved in with another man who she had been having an affair with for months.  It turns out this guy was an old boyfriend from over 34 years ago and it all got started on Facebook.  Fast forward 2 months later and we are together again at our home but, barely together trying to get through it.  I'm in counseling, she is in counseling and we are in counseling.  Its the hardest thing I have ever faced to include going off to war.  I just want her to love me again and she is so resistant.  Of course she has a text book childhood her mother left the family when she was 4, adopted by her aunt & uncle and was abused and unloved growing up.  Married me, loved my mother more than her own and then my mom dies of cancer.  I neglected her emotionally not realizing it having grown up in a non-loving home of my own.  There is nothing I'm not willing to do for my wife and move on and past all this.  But, sometimes its pretty hard for sure and tonight was a hard night with no Sleep!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

You didn't cause her to cheat. She was the only person able to make that choice.

[babyducks]

Hi ArmyRetTom

I am glad you found us.   My partner is diagnosed both Bipolar 1 and BPD.   I thought I knew a lot about what I should do and how I should handle her disorders.   I also thought I was pretty tough and this wasn't going to get me down.

Turns out I was wrong on both counts.   

What I have come to learn here, and through my own therapist, is that my partner processes information and life differently than I do.  That some simple tools and skills like validation and SET have made a vast improvement in my relationship.    And that things get better when I force myself to think carefully about them by writing them out.

Everyone who arrives here has the LESSONS pointed out to them.  They are in the box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.  They are the place to start.   There is a wealth of information in those links.   Just like the links below.


What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship


You mentioned she is resistant, do you want to say more about how she is expressing that?

'ducks

[teapay]

ArmyRetTom,

32 in a green suit is a long time.  I was AD Army from 2002 to 2013.  I thought things would be better too once I was out but truth is I did better with my BPD wife and 5 kids when I was serving.  I thought transitioning would be easy, but it has been tougher than I thought.  Optempo during service always seemed high and was a good distraction, and there was always a natural support system among buddies that was calming even when I was stressed.  I had young soliders to take care of too, which was another distraction and fulfilling. Separation isolated me alot and dealing with the wife got harder.  Transitioning has been really hard on her and that is on going.  Keep plugged in to your old service support friends or reconnect somehow if you can.  If you can utilize one of the VA Vet Centers. give it a try.  Much easier than regular VA and you won't get put standard death list.

[ArmyRetTom15]

OK Ducks,

This is all new to me but, I feel its almost like talking to someone or at least getting it off my chest.

You asked if I could elaborate on my wife being resistant to loving me.  Since she has been back she has gone back and forth about staying or going.  Mostly she leans towards going when we are deep in discussion about our relationship.  She continually tells me I'm coming at her too strong.  I can not stress enough that ever since I meet with her for the first time after she left me I have not so much as raised my voice to her and she communicates this fact in counseling. 

When I wrote my wife was being resistant I meant she tells me she loves me but, is not in love with me.  Total BS! But, that is how she is feeling. 

Earlier in our lives together and each time my wife became pregnant she did so without talking to me about having a baby.  We had 5 children and not 1 time was any of the births planned or did any discussions between us take place with me. So a few weeks ago I said I wished our last child was born later and was young and still in the house and that conversation turned into us having another baby.  We even saw a fertility doctor.  Probably not going through with this but only because she has changed her mind because we would need to use a downer egg.  So during the time she thought she could right all the wrongs in the past and have a planned baby with me. Before she knew all the facts and during the time she thought we could have another child she was loving and actively loving me and now she is back to not in love with me. 

So much back and forth and not being able to get through to her is what is keeping me up and driving me crazy!

[babyducks]

Hi ArmyRetTom,

One of the things I first read about people with BPD didn't make a great deal of sense when I first saw it.   I couldn't relate it to my partner for a long time.    I read that pwBPD (people with BPD) are the emotional equivalent to third degree burn victims.   I thought what an interesting turn of phase and keep reading.   

What took a while to develop in my thought processes as I tried to use the communication skills here was how easy it was for my partner to become overwhelmed in a conversation.   Especially in a conversation that had a strong emotional component in it.   Literally it could be 2 or 3 minutes and she was reaching the point of being beyond her ability to process calmly.     It was very different from my experience so I didn't pick up on it for a long time.  I am wondering if when you wife tells you:

She continually tells me I'm coming at her too strong.

what she is referring to is she is becoming swamped by an emotional cascade and needs to back away from the conversation.   My partner will frequently stop conversations or say "that is all I can talk about right now" and I would become frustrated because I thought it was a way to limit me saying what I wanted to say.   Eventually I saw it as a way she was trying to manage her emotions.      I tend to be a see the problem fix the problem type personality and that is not at all helpful when talking to my partner.

So much back and forth and not being able to get through to her is what is keeping me up and driving me crazy!

Oh boy can I relate to that one.   Especially the not being able to get through to her.   

The single most effective tool in communication is validation.   validation validation validation.

Communication Skills - Validation

Validation is a simple tool but is certainly not easy.   Validation doesn't mean you agree with what is being said, doesn't mean you are giving up your right to have your own thoughts/feelings/opinions.  It's more an acknowledgement of someone's else emotion.   

Validation is tough to do when our own emotions are running pretty high.   It takes some practice.   I used to practice on the unsuspecting and unknowing people at work.      

This is very supportive site, with a lot of good members who help educate and encourage.   You have a lot going on, a lot of stress.   Coming here, posting, reading other posts and working the Lessons will help.   

Hang in there.

'ducks