He says he needs to have sex with other people. Help

[tm006f]

My husband has BPD.  Usually we have ups and downs, but lately every day there is a new crisis.  Thus, my various postings over the past week.

Last night I could sense a drama brewing so I tried to go to bed to avoid it, but my husband started crying really hard, so I felt bed and went to talk to him.  He told me that he feels that he is unhappy because he can't be "himself".  I tried not to engage and just go to sleep.  Besides the fact that I am EXHAUSTED because we have a 9 month old baby who wakes me up at all hours of the night and my husband does not help AT ALL.

I went to bed and then he started calling my name, so I came back downstairs.  We got into a big conversation about what it would mean for him to live happily and be his "real self".  He told me various things that he has said before (he needs a wife who cares about how she looks and various other things about how I am not "good enough" for him) and then he told me that in order to be happy he needs to have sex with other people--women and men.  I told him that is absolutely not okay with me. 

He said then there was nothing else to discuss and made a big show of putting on his clothes and shoes and acting like he was going to leave even though it was midnight.  He said I told him to leave and I clarified that I did not tell him to leave, I just said that it is not okay for him to have sex with other people.

I suggested we find a couples' therapist and discuss it with the therapist, because this seems like a big issue.  He said there isn't anything to discuss.  He wants to have sex with other people and I don't want that, so one of us is going to be unhappy if we stay together.

Finally the baby started crying at 1 am and I had to go take care of her.

While I was trying to get her back to sleep, he came into the room and kept whispering to me, trying to continue the conversation.  I finally got him to be quiet, explaining I really wanted the baby to be able to sleep PLEASE!

So finally we both went to sleep after 1 am.

Around 6 am, we both got up for work and then he just wanted to pick up right where we left off.

He asked what I was going to do to keep him here.  I mentioned discussing with a therapist again and this did not satisfy him.  He said I better come up with a plan B if I really want to keep him here.  He honestly asked me why he can't have sex with other people.  I said because we are married!  We have been together for 13 years.  I do not understand why all of a sudden he now has this huge need to go have sex with other people.  And I don't know what planet he is living on where he thinks that this should be totally cool with me.  He said he doesn't understand why he has to adhere to the rules of society.

This is all making me incredibly anxious.

All this time I was changing the baby and getting her dressed.  He told me that if he leaves he is going to take his baby with him.

I asked him to stop because he was making me anxious.  He made me give him a hug while the baby was on the changing table and put my back to her and when I tried to put my hand on her he said "just hug me! I am watching her!  hug me like it is the last time!"

I am so tired of his dramatics.  I've put up with so much crap from him, but I am definitely not going to put up with him sleeping with other people.  Even I have a line.  I feel like he just knows this is a line for me and so he is testing me to see if I will abandon him, so instead of him saying "OK, I'm leaving because I want to have sex with other people" he is trying to force me to kick him out, so he can feel justified in his fear of abandonment.

Honestly at this point, I could care less if he leaves, but I am terrified of him running off with the baby.  She is only 9 months old.  I am still nursing her.  He is totally unprepared to take care of her himself, because he has barely done anything to take care of her since she was born.  Besides the fact that I love my baby and I don't want her to be taken from me and I really don't want her living with someone who is mentally unstable.

Please help!

What should I tell him?  I know he is going to continue pressing this issue.  Literally, what do I say?

Does anyone know what my rights are in terms of keeping the baby?   He doesn't have any documented history of violence or hospitalizations or anything, so if we had to go to court, everything would just be my word against his.

I am feeling as low as I have ever felt.  I question every day why I had a child with this man.  We have been together for 13 years.  It's not like there weren't warning signs.  Why did I stay with him?  Why did I decide to have a child with him?  I love my baby, but I feel like having her was a massive mistake and I am so scared that she is going to end up screwed up because her parents didn't have their ___ together.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

  I cannot offer any easy solutions, but sadly I can relate. My youngest is 1 and I came back after successfully leaving uBPDh to protect the children.

The legal board and the parenting board here have lots of helpful information and support. Hang in there and be strong for your baby! Are you able to see a counselor or have family support? It helps to be able to work through things with someone you can trust who is outside your home situation.

Keep us posted on how you are doing!

[Daniell85]

I would be very alarmed too. Such a scary thing he has put on you with his wanting to have sex elsewhere, and even more frightening to a mother, the loss of a child.

If he takes the baby without your permission, it is parental kidnapping. This is against the law. Additionally if he does that and the baby is retrieved, the family court is going to look deeply unfavorably on that in terms of any custody time for him without supervision.

Probably what you may want to do at this point is speak to an attorney. And, when I was going through my divorce, my ex husband DID take off with our 6 year old son. By the time THAT was sorted out, I hadn't seen my son for almost 3 weeks at all. My son was just destroyed by the event.

I found that the local domestic violence shelter also had counselors who have seen some pretty extreme events, and they have experience with what happened regarding my son and what you are afraid of in your situation. It's free to talk to counselors there and they can maybe help guide you to resources.

It is so scary to feel helpless and alone when your child is at risk. I know it  

[Notwendy]

This certainly is a distressing statement to bring up. I understand how this is upsetting.

I agree that the legal board would likely have information about custody if your H insists on taking the baby. I am not a lawyer, and I have no  personal experience with this, but I don't think they can fully take the baby from a parent without good reason. It may also be that what he says he wants to do ( take the baby) will not be realistic for him since he doesn't have any real idea of what it would be like for him to be taking care of the baby on his own if he did that.

I think we all have seen people say something in the heat of the moment, but to leave, and take custody is a long legal process. Sometimes pwBPD come up with plans and then don't have the patience to execute them. Still, I would be distressed at this idea too. I'm also a mom so I know this would be a scary thing to face.

What I do see here are two boundaries- one is yours, and one is his. Our boundaries reflect our values, who we are. You get to decide if you could be happy in a marriage where he has sex with other people. Many people would not want or be able to be in this situation. Your H may want to talk you into letting him do what he wants, without having to pay the price of losing his relationship- the comfort you and your baby have for him. Unless this is OK with you, ( which I see it is not), then he is asking to have something without consequence. He may very well mean this- that he wants to have sex with others, but he could also be testing the boundaries, to see how far he can push you.

They say BPD is being emotionally immature, and little kids test their parents' boundaries. However, we know that kids need parents with firm boundaries. If kids had their way, they would eat candy for meals. Parents may say no, but the kid may ask, whine, tantrum- we've all seen toddlers tantrum. If a parent gives in, then they learn that tantrumming works.

Could this be a form of temper tantrum? I wanna have sex with other people and you won't let me! But, if the "rule" or boundary you established in your marriage is fidelity, then that rule stands. Your choice is to stick by the rules if that's what you want. His choice is to take it or leave it. That's the scary part, but if you set a boundary, then the other person has to make his/her own choice.

The other boundary isn't so much a boundary but his nature. I noticed that he didn't ask to have sex with just women, but he admits to being attracted to men. I have read stories on the internet of women married to men who were gay. The hard part for these women is that they suffer the hurt to their self esteem from loving a husband who isn't fully attracted to them sexually. The men suffer in a sense because they are not living as their true selves. Could this be what your H is talking about- that for him to be his true self, he needs to have sex with men because he is attracted to them? Having said what he said, he may be bisexual, but it is also possible that he is strongly attracted to men. I don't know this for sure, but the exchange made me wonder. In this case, he can not change who he is attracted to, even in a marriage.

Do you have a therapist? Dealing with these issues is distressing. I don't know if your H is just talking or not, or what he wants to do. Is this the first time he brought up his desire to have sex with men? I understand that pw BPD sometimes say things they don't mean, but this is a pretty big statement to make if he does not at least think about it.

Please be good to yourself. While you worry about the baby, that baby right now needs a rested, healthy mom. The best way to take care of this baby is to take care of you. I know you worry about the baby, but babies do well when their parent(s) is doing well.

[CrazyChuck]

My T asked me the other day. "Why do you stay knowing it will never get better?". I had no answer.

[tm006f]

NotWendy, my H did mention previously that he wanted to have sexual experiences with other people-men included-once before, but he didn't make it like an ultimatum before, he just mentioned that he wasn't fulfilled and this was one reason why.  I later, when he was calm, asked if he was gay and he swore (and has continued to swear) that he is not.  I would say from what I can see that he is definitely attracted to women (me included).  He seems fairly hypersexual to me, although he has not cheated on me (as far as I know and I have discussed this with him and he has also promised that he has been faithful).  I understand people can be bisexual, but they can still choose to get married and commit to a single partner (of either gender) and be happy. 

My father was sexually abused as a child, but repressed these memories until he was in his 30s. 

I have read the statistics about people with BPD and child sexual abuse, and I am very worried that my husband may have been sexually abused as a child, although I have asked this to him directly and he has said no.  He has also said he has never had sex with a male or been penetrated anally, although he has played with himself.

Anyways, I feel like this is getting rather graphic. 

The point is he said he is not gay.  I do feel like this was attention seeking and boundary testing behavior, but I really don't know where to go from here.

He is at work now, but I'm really scared that when he comes home, he's just going to start up again and I am really not going to know what to say.

Every time I set the boundary, it's not okay with me to have sex with other people, he tries to turn it into a discussion of me kicking him out and me not letting him be "his true self".  I really don't know how to respond and keep from getting pulled into his drama.

He was supposed to see his therapist on Tuesday.  She cancelled.  He rescheduled for last night.  She never showed up.  Turns out she had an accident (but is okay).  He showed me the text from her on his phone saying she had had an accident (even though I didn't ask him to show me his phone).  He rescheduled for tonight, so I am hoping she can give him some support.

I put in another post that I feel like his current therapist, while she has built a good relationship with him over the past year and a half, is not sufficient for my husband's needs.  She practices regular psychodynamic therapy and I feel like my husband is worse since he started seeing her, not better.  (I don't think it's the therapist's fault, I think he is worse due to life stress-having a new baby, buying our first home, etc.)

[ForeverDad]

Is he pushing your boundary - stability and fidelity?  Maybe he would really do it, maybe not, but right now it seems he's trying to wear you down to relent and agree to let him do it?  Even if he never does it, he will know you relented and appeased and may see that as incentive/enablement to push other boundaries you have.  That's my quick impression.

Just about everyone has certain behaviors he or she considers to be ":)eal Breakers".  But it varies from person to person.  DV, child abuse, child endangerment, child neglect, those are today's hot buttons.  Yesteryear it was closet behaviors, same sex and infidelity.  Today, with the world's relaxed "You can do what you want as long as I can do what I want" attitudes, affairs and hookups are not as shocking as they once were.  Is what he wants/contemplates a Deal Breaker for you if he actually does it?  It's okay if that violates your boundary.

His stating that you're not letting him be "his true self" is blame shifting.  He is an adult, he can do whatever he wishes - just as you can - however doing whatever he wishes would come at a price - risking the relationship.

By the way, in the last months of my marriage my Ex would rant and rage into the early hours of the night, declaring, "We're going to fix this NOW!"  And within days there was another late night session.  And another.  It didn't improve, eventually the damaged relationship failed and now she's my Ex.

You do need couples counseling.  If he refuses, then it is up to you to decide whether to re-evaluate your options.  Besides the peer support here, you can also do individual counseling to help you gain and maintain an objective perspective.

[babyducks]

Hi tm,

what you are describing is very stressful.  it's very hard to deal with.    from what you are posting something has triggered a pretty significant episode for your husband.    it's very likely what you said, the stress of the new baby and buying your first  home.   what also struck me in your post was this,

.  Even I have a line.  I feel like he just knows this is a line for me and so he is testing me to see if I will abandon him, so instead of him saying "OK, I'm leaving because I want to have sex with other people" he is trying to force me to kick him out, so he can feel justified in his fear of abandonment...

I think this is a profound insight.   pwBPD can have such a deep and crippling sense of abandonment that they create scenarios where they force the Non to leave.   Forcing the Non to leave gives them a sense of control. 

whatever the motivation your husband is displaying some concerning behavior.   

It is fairly common to have middle of the night arguments.  So much so that we have an entire thread/tool devoted to nighttime arguments.   It's here. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63454.0

and this is a quote right out of that link:

Over the years many partners of those with BPD have mentioned the problems of trying to deal with arguments that start at bedtime, or arguments that start in the middle of the night.  Sometimes a BPD will awaken a non after he/she has had a dream and will argue about a dream. 

Boundaries can work, and many have mentioned leaving the room and sleeping elsewhere.

So:

1.  It is important to realize that sleep deprivation is a form of emotional abuse. 

2.  It is important to remember that you are entitled to sleep, and you do not have to enter into an argument at bedtime.

3.  You have a right to decide when you will (or won't) discuss something.

4.  It takes two to argue, but only one to rant and rage.

   


I understand that your husband is intensely emotional right now.   I do want to highlight that you have the right to decide when and what you will discuss.   It is acceptable to take a time out from any conversation that is getting to fraught with tensions.   

What should I tell him?  I know he is going to continue pressing this issue.  Literally, what do I say?

A couple of thoughts.   Engaging in a drama filled conversation usually produces more drama.  I have found it helpful to communicate that I have heard my partners message, that I took it seriously, and that I needed some time to think about it.   My actual words are "I understand that this is very important to you and I would like to think it over for a while."   What I am trying to do is dial down the emotional temperature in the conversation.  Normally my partner will push for a deadline of when I will be done thinking it over. 

Once I have said I want to think about I can not engage in the conversation again until the deadline.   That's my boundary.   

the other thought I had is about circular arguments.   when I first came here I had no idea what they were, and I kept getting drawn into them with my partner.   (of course we have a lesson about them too.)   circular arguments go round and round and they don't even make sense half the time.   pwBPD engage in circular arguments to dump their negative feelings.   we engage in them because we think we can explain the flawed thinking in the argument.   no one ever wins and both parties get hurt.   don't engage.   and leave the argument safely.   this is some ideas on how to take a time out safely.   take a look and let me know what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

'ducks

[waverider]

Often when pwBPD feel total chaos and instability, that need something to ground then. Hitting boundaries in order to get someone to react and make decisions, and take responsibility is a maladaptive way of trying to ground themselves.

In short they dont know what they want, can't take responsibility for it and bounce all over trying to project that responsibility.  Individual claims/issues.threats/demands themselves dont mean much, its just the basic urge he is expressing that the fix for his chaos is "change' as though its a magic pill.

Do you have an escape plan/ A place to go if there is a sudden escalation to a point you feel it is out of your control.

This is your ultimate boundary safety switch. Even if never used it takes away a lot of those hopelessly trapped feelings.

You can't fix him only prevent yourself from being emotionally hurt, that is your priority

[pallavirajsinghani]

I want to present a hypothetical situation for the sake of clarity.  Please understand that I am NOT recommending that you do actually do this.  The following is meant as a mental exercise to understand this "I wanna have sex with other people".  "No, I don't want you to do that" dynamics better.  The following is NOT meant to be offensive so if it comes across as offensive, please forgive me.

Here it goes.

Suppose in a calm manner, you said,  "You are your own person.  I am not your jailer, I am not your priest, I am not your mother.  I am your companion.  You are free to do whatever you want."    Then pause and add,  "I am not sure though, how I will react if you really had sex with other people.  Since you haven't had it, I don't know.  I appreciate it that you have not had sex with other people."

This way, you are NOT allowing this to happen.  You are NOT preventing it from happening (because you really can't.  If he wants to put up his profile on Ashley-Madison, how can you police him/monitor his every action, every word?).  You are also NOT allowing him to change the dynamics of your relationship with him to that of a child wanting candy and momma saying no.  He is an adult.  You are expecting adult behavior from him.  You are also telling him that he is free to choose his actions, but he is also to face the consequences himself.  He is not to come to you guilty and shamed and wanting to be soothed after wronging you... .

Do you think such a scenario would work?

Or would he read your reaction as explicit permission?

It is possible that because you do not allow him to have such relationships, he will now think of you as controlling and abusive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

What an awful dilemma to be in... .

[waverider]

I want to present a hypothetical situation for the sake of clarity.  Please understand that I am NOT recommending that you do actually do this.  The following is meant as a mental exercise to understand this "I wanna have sex with other people".  "No, I don't want you to do that" dynamics better.  The following is NOT meant to be offensive so if it comes across as offensive, please forgive me.

Here it goes.

Suppose in a calm manner, you said,  "You are your own person.  I am not your jailer, I am not your priest, I am not your mother.  I am your companion.  You are free to do whatever you want."    Then pause and add,  "I am not sure though, how I will react if you really had sex with other people.  Since you haven't had it, I don't know.  I appreciate it that you have not had sex with other people."

This way, you are NOT allowing this to happen.  You are NOT preventing it from happening (because you really can't.  If he wants to put up his profile on Ashley-Madison, how can you police him/monitor his every action, every word?).  You are also NOT allowing him to change the dynamics of your relationship with him to that of a child wanting candy and momma saying no.  He is an adult.  You are expecting adult behavior from him.  You are also telling him that he is free to choose his actions, but he is also to face the consequences himself.  He is not to come to you guilty and shamed and wanting to be soothed after wronging you... .

Do you think such a scenario would work?

Or would he read your reaction as explicit permission?

It is possible that because you do not allow him to have such relationships, he will now think of you as controlling and abusive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

What an awful dilemma to be in... .

This a good way of framing a potential boundaries, the difference in this case is that the boundary has not yet been violated so you are pointing it out as hypothethical and so reserve your right to impose you own consequence.

Regular boundaries we erect are usually to ward off repetitive behaviors, we know how we feel and hence we can set the consequence.

As pointed out he is trying to get you to "control' him, so that he can react to your controlling, and hence pass on responsibility. So sticking to what you will do rather than what he can or can't do is the key. It keeps the problem in his court. In short 'you can do what you like but if you are disrespectful to me i will not be here when you get back"

[Notwendy]

I agree with the others who say he is testing the boundaries and also blame shifting. You've already had the discussion about his orientation, and I also agree that if we agree to be faithfully married, we keep that agreement regardless of attractions to others.

Instead of dealing with his own desires to break the agreement and consequence of that, he is projecting that frustration on to you.

A responsible person thinks " Person A is attractive to me, but I am married, and will keep my vows"

He says " Person A is attractive to me, and it's your fault I can't have sex with them"

A responsible person thinks " I could break my promise and be unfaithful but I'd hurt my marriage and feel bad"

He says " It's your fault I have to feel bad for wanting these things.

I don't know if he will go through with his threats, but if they continue, you would need legal advice. I also agree with the others who posted, not to engage in the drama by having these circular discussions and to have a safety plan if you feel you or your baby is in danger.

[tm006f]

Babyducks-thank you for posting the thread about middle of the night arguments.  This definitely happens a lot, partly because of the baby and partly because during the week my husband is out of the house working until late in the evening.  I can especially relate to the part about getting sucked into arguments about his dreams.  My husband does this a lot!  He will have nightmares and can't sleep and then he sucks me into an argument about how it's my fault that he has insomnia and nightmares because all he dreams about is having fights with me.  He has also had other dreams about me that he has then woken up and wanted to fight about, even though the dreams are totally unrelated to reality, he somehow wants me to feel guilty that I did something bad in a dream.  It is very frustrating.

I did say something similar to what you suggested.  I said obviously this is a big issue and I didn't think discussing it in the middle of the night was ideal so I suggested we discuss it with a couple's therapist because it's such a big topic that I wasn't even sure we could really work it out ourselves. 

He has seemed to calm down now.  It seems like once he realized I wasn't leaving him for saying what he said, he felt better.  I also called and made appointments with two couples therapists and that also seems to have made him feel better.

waverider-If everything really hit the fan, I have a car, I have financial resources, and worst case, I could knock on our neighbor's door.  Even though we just moved, I already went over and hung out with the mom and she has a baby.  Obviously I'd really prefer not to drag them into my drama, but if the situation got dire I COULD do that.  I really wish I had family in the area, but I don't, not even close.  The problem with trying to escape is the baby.  I can't just run out.  I would need to at a minimum get the baby, even if I didn't bring diapers, etc.  And the problem with doing that is that it would give my husband time to block the door.  In the past when I've tried to leave and not done it when he was distracted or immediately, he has blocked me from leaving.

pallavirajsinghani-I didn't exactly try your approach, but I did tell him bluntly that he is an adult and if he wants to have sex with other people, that he can do so, but then he needs to accept that he doesn't get to stay married to me.  I said he is a free person and I am not going to chain him to the floor.  If he wants to leave, he can do so anytime.  He kept trying to turn it around and say that I was kicking him out.  I kept having to clarify that I wasn't kicking him out, that I wanted to work things out with him (even though I feel incredibly ambivalent about this) and that if he wanted to leave he needed to take responsibility for his own feelings and not put it on me, because I was NOT kicking him out, I was explaining his choices to him.  As I'm sure you know, trying to have a logical conversation with someone who is having a meltdown is pretty useless, so in the end I pretty much just went to bed even though he was still upset and of course he made me feel like I was a lousy jerk who didn't care about his feelings because I was going to bed, but I felt like it was pointless to try to "help" him and the best thing to do was to try to get some sleep.  The next day he felt bad and wrote me from work and said he was sorry that his "personality" causes me so much stress.  So, I am slowly learning from you guys that my efforts to "help" him are actually not "helping" and sometimes it's best just to walk away (if possible) and let him stew, even though in the moment he is going to hate me for not "helping", but in the end at least walking away doesn't give him the chance to say mean stuff that he will regret later.  The challenge is that sometimes I do walk away and he then pursues me and tries to suck me back in or does something dramatic (hitting himself, throwing himself down the stairs) in order to get my attention.  I am really hoping that we can come up with an agreement at the couples therapist to say that if he is having a meltdown, he has to disengage.  We'll see.  As I mentioned, it seems like the storm clouds have passed for the moment so I am trying to just take a breath!

[waverider]

  I am really hoping that we can come up with an agreement at the couples therapist to say that if he is having a meltdown, he has to disengage. 

Agreement wont mean squat if he is having a meltdown. its one of the reasons couples therapy is limited in its effect with pwBPD.

What you do if he is having a meltdown is the basis of boundaries

[unicorn2014]

  Hi tm, I appreciate reading your thread, it helped me to understand some of the behaviors of my partner a little better. You sound like you have a well thought plan in case you need to escape, and that is always important in a high conflict situation. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. 

[babyducks]

Hi tm,

I am glad to hear that things are going a little bit better for you.   It sounds like you need to take a breather.

Babyducks-thank you for posting the thread about middle of the night arguments.  I

You're welcome.   My partner used to do this a lot also.   We've worked on it and it's gotten better.   Every once and a while something happens and we have a late night argument.   I've gotten better at not engaging and creating a pattern around what to do when it occurs.

I remember rather vividly our first late night argument.   It was a Friday night at the end of a long work week.   I was tired.   We were heading to bed.   I inconsiderately fell asleep in the middle of a conversation.   She let me sleep for a while and then woke me up.  To tell me how incredibly mean I was being to her,  insensitive,  rude, I'm sure you know how this goes.   I argued back.   Where I thought I was going with this I don't know, but at the time it seemed logical to say "it's perfectly natural to fall asleep when tired".    It's not like any of this argument was making sense.

What I have come to learn from that is that anything that diverts my attention from partner can be perceived by her as a trigger.   And I do mean anything that diverts my whole and undivided attention from my partner can be perceived as a trigger.   Even if it is something natural and normal like falling asleep when tired.   When my partner is having a difficult time I believe she views the world as a war zone when she has to aggressively demand that her needs get met.   100% of the time.   

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight what would have worked better when she woke me up to tell me I was being mean by falling asleep was a SET.   SET stands for support, empathy and truth.   In a perfect world I would have done better to say something like:

Support:  I can tell this topic is important to you.

Empathy:  I can see that it's frustrating to lose the thread of the conversation in the middle.

Truth:  Right now I am very tired, and I need to sleep.  We can pick up this topic tomorrow.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

What I have come to learn from that is that anything that diverts my attention from partner can be perceived by her as a trigger.   And I do mean anything that diverts my whole and undivided attention from my partner can be perceived as a trigger.   Even if it is something natural and normal like falling asleep when tired.   When my partner is having a difficult time I believe she views the world as a war zone when she has to aggressively demand that her needs get met.   100% of the time.   


I can relate to this. Our marriage got difficult when I was a new mother, and also during the pregnancy. As you know, new moms are sometimes so tired they can fall asleep in an instant. To my H, my falling asleep was "faking sleep to avoid having sex with him", and being nauseated during pregnancy was " rejecting him" if I was not up to having sex. Taking a nap was "avoiding him". ( he'd pitch a fit if I did). I wish I knew then what I know now, because I had no idea and so, took his blaming me personally.


None of this is logical, but it is something I wish I understood better when I was a new mom.

[hopealways]

This is just another example of the BPD raising the bar. They are constantly pushing your limits to see how far they can take you. Nothing is good enough and it makes us anxious and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[formflier]

 

tm006f,

Uggg... .hang in there.  Having a new baby is work enough... .  You have a lot on your plate.

 


I'm a bit late to this thread.  After reading through it once, I have a couple reactions.

I think you are getting excellent guidance.  Where to go from here?

Few questions

Would your life be better if

1.  Every once in a while your husband said odd things about his sexuality that were concerned, but you were able to consistently avoid middle of the night arguments... .or

2.  You found a way to silence the odd sexual talk, but middle of the nigh "discussions" about various things remain at their present level

FF

[ydrys017]

Is it a disguised threat?  It's almost akin to the 'divorce' conversations so many of us have endured, to which I always respond: I do not want a divorce, that is your choice, it is your decision, and you are responsible for the the consequences.  That type of direct, calm feedback typically reduces the threats for a while, and I see that it could work in this situation - he is baiting you, don't take the bait.

[formflier]

 

I eventually shortened mine up to "I don't do threats... "  and I would walk away from the situation and not discuss that issue again.

These were direct threats... .

This thread seems to be more of a flanking threat or to put an odd idea in the "nons" head.


FF