Looking for answers

[brianmcc]

This is going to be a long one. I'm not sure if I'm writing this as therapy, or because I'm looking for answers. It's probably a bit of both.

I'm a 41 year old man, born and raised in a rough part of Chicago. The byproduct of an abusive alcoholic father, and a mother who would eventually raise three boys by herself as a single parent. I grew up violently and quickly. I've had my run insurance with the law, and have had a series of serious relationships, but never married and have no kids. I escaped the streets and by all means, am doing ok for myself. I rarely drink anymore, I work for a very established company, all my bills are.paid, and other than smoking I'm in good health. Living in the suburbs gets boring, but I keep out of trouble.

Two and a half months ago I met a woman who at the time seemed as genuine and beautiful as any woman I'd ever met. Now I'm not the sappy over the top kind of guy, but she's the closest thing to love at first sight that I've experienced. We met online. Met up for ourenewal first date where I took her for a wine tasting, and after a few taste glasses, some small talk in the wine company patio. She kissed me first. I'm hooked.

She's a single mother with limited time as all single parents are. At 41 I'm used to it and get ready to play the game. Here's where things go south.

Our first real weekend.date is a doozy. She wants to go away together for the weekend so we decide to hit the Dells for a weekend getaway. Sparingly get all the details, some of ithe goes amazingly well, other parts do not. We just don't know each other well enough to spend this much time together yet.

I get a sick feeling in my stomach on the way home, and my fears are realized when after we get home, a phone call the next day says what I'm thinking.

I give it a few days and send her a long text saying basically that I want another shot and one bad weekend shouldn't define us as a new couple.

She agrees and here we go.

Over the next month and a half she says she loves me and I'm perfect, then breaks up with me the following days after. Always finding an excuse that seems menial. I'm invested at this point and keep pursuing her. This has happened three times now.

She admitted to me she's damaged. Her family has told me she's damaged. I know she's damaged.

She wants to take things slow, but tells me she loves me and introduces me to her family. She tells me she's never had anyone treat her this well and how much she cares for me, and then breaks up with me.

She spends the night at my house this past Friday, I bring things up to her and she spills some of the beans. She cries. Asks me not to abandon her, have patience with her, tells me she knows she's damaged but doesn't ever mean to hurt me.

She was physically abused by her father after her mother dies at a young age. Her father finally leaves her and her and her twin sister and brother are raised by family. She's been in abusive relationships her whole life. After divorcing the father of her daughter, he rents a house across the street from her and is incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive.

She tells me she loves me up until Sunday night. I sleep over at her place while her ex has her daughter, wake up and go to work. She gets distant again. He's beenot texting her nasty things because he sees my car out front. He'll tell his daughter nasty things and his daughter comes home and causes problems with  her. She tells me from now on, when she has free weekends, to mitigate problems she'll have to stay at my place exclusively. I say no problem, we can work through this. Still she's diatant. Her mornings are always tough. Between getting herself and her daughter ready for school and work, it's a tough time.

Wednesday morning she nukes out on me for texting her and calling her in the morning. She had a bad morning, I was in a goofy mood and wanted to make her laugh. She breaks up with me again and calls me needy.

I'm stunned. Once again, just days before she promised to NOT do this again, she does it. There's no talking to her. I've tried every thing I know, and it's the same ole same ole.

When things are good, I haven't felt this way in years. When things are bad, I've never felt this helpless.

The mood swings are so intense I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't even be myself around her. I've lost twenty pounds in these almost three months and am emotionally drained but can't sleep. A Xanax and two advil PM's only knock me out for 4 to 5 hours a night.

I have a counselor I speak to. It's a nice reset to the week and I enjoy her perspective. I've told her more than what I can put on this intro off the top of my head and my counselor swears she has some type of manic or bi-polar disorder. She's just too over the top mood swingy, and her behavior patterns too erratic not to be. To say she loves me and breaks up with me so close together in time, and askingredients me not to leave her but leaving me is so confusing.

I know I should leave well enough alone. Walk away and work on me. Right now I have no choice because I think she's blocked my number. But I guess I'm here to ask for advice.

Does this sound like some sort of BPD to the others here? If yes then do I just become the next guy to leave her or do I fight for her and let her know regardless of how far she pushes I'm not leaving.

Do I walk away and let her decide to persue me, or will she look at me as just someone else who's abandoned her.

I honestly don't know hav I need never had a person like this in my life. Any info or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

None of us can really tell you for sure if she has BPD. However, breaking up and getting back together is a classic sign that she could have it. Abandonment fears and the fact that you claim you are walking on eggshells that all fits too. Since you are only 3 months in, you need to realize that if she is driving you nuts now, this will probably get worse over time. My husband's worst behaviors showed after we had been together for awhile but he did try to break up with me several times, usually after really emotional connections and being treated like an angel. He started accusing me of cheating on him within two months of being together. The first times it was done he apologized quickly because it upset me quite a bit. We were together for 6 years before I had any idea he had BPD. What you can do is read on this site about the tools. It has been very helpful to me and everyone that comes to this site. even if she doesn't have BPD the tools still help. Start with Validation and how to avoid invalidating her, and move on to the other tools.

Just be aware that you can't fix her. She is going to be like this, she is going to push and pull over and over again because that is what they do.

[brianmcc]

Thank you for your reply. I've never had a relationship start out so intensely and dealt with someone with such major mood swings before. I have been reading the tools and articles, and she possesses a lot of the traits. As much as people tell me to run, I'm having trouble with that. Because deep down beneath the damaged person is a wonderful loving girl.