Her, Me & 'it'...

[griff24]

Hello people,

I feel like I've hit 'rock bottom.'

My girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (depending on the day) almost certainly has BPD, though she claims she does not. All of the traits and symptoms point emphatically to BPD. It is debilitating.

Up, down, up, down, 'I love you, I hate you.' 'Can we get married and stay together forever.' 'I never want to speak to you again' (followed by a message or phone call a few hours later), are all the norm.

She has self-harmed (cut her wrists) on numerous occasions, head butted walls and accused me of hurting her, messaged my friends and family telling them that I've done this and that, which has never been the case. She has been to the psychiatric ward once for threatening children, claiming 'rape,' having an 'abortion' which isn't true, and being completely psychotic and delusional. The lies are constant and sometimes very damaging. She has also cheated on me at least once. I am suspicious that there has been more than one... .

Medical staff, paramedics etc have told me that she is 'most likely BPD' but I've never heard the diagnosis as yet, and of course she wouldn't allow me to stay in the room when she saw the doctor.

I have tried, and I have tried, and I have tried. Every method of attempting to deal with 'it' doesn't work. By nature I am a very passive and tolerant individual and I just feel like I've been beaten down, physically, emotionally and financially. I literally have nothing left and I'm running on fumes. All I've ever done since we met is try to do my upmost to make her happy... .

I want desperately to help her (and myself) but when I try to confront her with 'it' she claims I 'put her down' and 'blame her for everything.' What ever I say and do I can't win. I love her (I think) but I am exhausted. HELP!

griff24

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LonelyChild]

I can relate very much to what you're writing - my r/s with my uBPDxgf was very much like this: cutting, headbutting walls, screaming, threats, lies, cheating etc. What you're going through is about the most painful thing one can go through emotionally. I remember feeling the same way: I have NOTHING left. Like you, I lost money, time, energy and went through unimaginable pain.

This is the staying board so I assume you want to stay:

I think the first thing you need to do is give yourself some love and understand that this is not your fault. You did NOT cause this. You need to stay rational here and find support (here and IRL). You will not be able to support here without first supporting yourself (through loving yourself and opening up to your family, friends etc about how you feel).

[waverider]

 

Welcome griff24

Glad to see you are here to try to make sense of "what to do now?'. We have all been at the stage where we feel like we are out of options, drained and without hope. You are not alone

The folks here will guide you back to the path of self realization. You have most likely lost yourself trying to tip your reserves into the shifting sands, only to have them sink with no residual effect. You are now low on reserves.

You will learn much about saving your own energy, self belief and preservation. The more you take her issues on board the more you normalize them which end sup consolidating them. So rather than rescuing you end up being dragged into the quagmire and her incentive to escape it is lessened.

Hang in there, you can turn your life around regardless of whether the RS is a success or not you will learn a lot about you and how to more healthily react with others.

Waverider

[griff24]

Thank you for that,

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't carry on anymore.

I love her so much, now she's disappeared (again), won't answer my calls and the standard (BPD).

My heart is truly broken.

 

[LonelyChild]

Thank you for that,

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't carry on anymore.

I love her so much, now she's disappeared (again), won't answer my calls and the standard (BPD).

My heart is truly broken.

 

Do you have contact with her family of origin? What's their take on this?

Would it be possible for you to go out and do something else even though you're in this painful situation right now? Go for walks? Go to the movies with a friend? Have a friend come over and watch TV with you?

[unicorn2014]

Hi griff, and welcome.   It is obvious you really care about your g/f. Those do sound like BPD behaviors you are describing: self harm, push/pull, smear campaigns. Bpd family can help you even if your gf has not been formally diagnosed. There is some good reading on this site to familiarize yourself with the common traits of BPD. Also as you read others stories you will find ones that you can identify with. I hope you stick around. I've gotten a lot of help here! 

[Moselle]

Griff24. Hang in there it will get better.

It sounds like a similar crisis to the one that brought me here.  We all turn to help when we reach rock bottom. So welcome☺ There is support .

Keep posting!

[griff24]

Hello, I'm seeing her at 4pm... .My Grandmother is also on her deathbed in Bristol (I'm in London) though my 'girlfriend' doesn't know this. I really don't know if my girl is capable of empathy so I don't know what to say to her anymore. Any advice?... .

[Moselle]

Griff, its quite normal to be anxious about meeting up. The good news is that there are lots of techniques and behaviours on your side which can make a difference. As you can see in the right side of this website it says "Before you can make things better, stop making it worse" These are lessons which can really help us, but it takes time for you to learn them. Perhaps have a quick read on lesson 3 about validation.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Is there someone else in your life (siblings or friends) who would have some empathy for your situation? If you need some support do you think it makes sense to turn to someone else?

I suggest to steer clear of emotionally loaded discussions. It's easy to let it slip that you might think she has no empathy. And right now that might trigger a poor response from her

Perhaps go to a movie or some activity which doesn't involve alot of discussion?

If it becomes argumentative change the subject or gently take some time out.

What are your objectives today with her?

[griff24]

Hi. I realised some time ago that any comment that can be percieved (or miss-percieved) by her as 'negative' results in fireworks so I constantly find myself walking on egg shells instead.

I'm always nice to her and try everything to please her. If she senses that I am 'down' (which I constantly try tp disguise when with her) she takes it asit as a personal insult.

I hope that somehow, some way this cycle can be broken and she can be happy in herself and we can be happy together... .

Regards family and friends, I was living in Hong Kong where I was born, and I met this girl travelling last year. The only reason I'm in England is because of her and now I'm stuck in London almost pennyless where I don't know anyone. Not in a particularly fun place right now. :/

[Moselle]

I hope that somehow, some way this cycle can be broken and she can be happy in herself and we can be happy together... .

This cycle can be broken. And the tools and techniques required are right here on this website.

Where does your responsibility for her happiness start and where does it end.

[LonelyChild]

Any advice?... .

It's a decision you have to make. Emotionally tough events are like to dysregulate pwBPD. Perhaps it's best to wait until you yourself feel better?

[griff24]

I would actually do anything for her, and I know (or at least I hope) that the things she says and does are not really her... .Just need to figure out how to remove or tame the 'bad.'

[LonelyChild]

I would actually do anything for her, and I know (or at least I hope) that the things she says and does are not really her... .Just need to figure out how to remove or tame the 'bad.'

From experience, I can tell you that your approach can be a very dangerous one and you should consider it very carefully.

Please have a look around the boards. There is no way - absolutely no way - that YOU can fix her. You might do therapy together, you might help with boundaries, but the dysregulation will NOT go away because of your love. You're in for a world of pain and hurt if you stick to this attitude.

[griff24]

I'm open to any help, advice or suggestions. That's why I'm here. I keep my own self 'focused' and 'sane' by telling myself, if it's this torturous for me, what must it be like for her?... .I am prepared to take the 'hits,' and be her 'punchbag' if the end result is a good one... .

[Moselle]

Griff,

In my opinion the answer is actually quite counter-intuitive.

Think about it. If you offer yourself up as a punch bag, why would she ever have a reason to change? I can ask this because I spent 15 years being someone's punchbag ☺ and the honest truth is that it did not make one ounce of difference.

The answer lies in you changing your responses. Validating her, but not validating her poor behaviours by offering yourself as a punchbag.

It lies in you saying actually, I'm not a punchbag, i'm a human being and I want to be respected not punched ( this is called a boundary)

There is a way to introduce these boundaries, so do it after you've done a bit of research here. A BPD partner will not like it at all because we are changing what has become an established pattern we are both comfortable  with. And they are likely to really kick up a fuss to try and force us back into the old pattern. The key is to select the boundary wisely and don't back down.

Be reasonable about the boundary you select and communicate it calmly and own the consequence

One I have is when she starts screaming at me I say . "When you scream like that it makes me angry. I would like you to speak respectfully or I will need to leave the conversation" And if she carries on.  I LEAVE every time.

[griff24]

Yes, agreed. I always (almost) act calmly and collectedly although sometimes this can be infuriating on the inside. I do wonder how my girl or anyone with BPD would react if I or the recipient was as angry and aggressive in their response as they are... .

For me it's exhausting and I don't have the energy for her outbursts let alone have one of my own!

Of course the calm after the storm is always lovely and that's what I look forward to every time. I have I supposed gotten used to the 'cycle' but I'd rather it be a constant 'up' without the 'lows,' as I'm sure we all would! I'd be happy with staying somewhere in the 'middle' but I know 'it' doesn't work like that.

[Moselle]

It's a tough job Griff. Been there, got that T-shirt. Hang in there 

[griff24]

Ate least people still call me 'Griff!' 

[Moselle]

Griff, have you started looking at the lessons yet? 1-6 on the right side of this web page.

They are incredibly useful for making personal progress. Yours, not hers. Because ultimately that's all we are in control of.

Yes we still call you Griff ☺

[griff24]

I've been reading about and studying BPD (and other illnesses) for some time. It just seems that it is an impossible task to keep her happy. Her (as with all people with BPD) emotions sky rocket and are so extreme it is difficult to diffuse or keep in check. Something so tiny can escalate in to a perceived catastrophe in her mind.

I do know having seen some of her messages that she has been in contact with other men. In others   experience with pwBPD on here is this a clear indication that she has been unfaithful more than just the once, is she searching for my replacement, or is it just attention seeking?

Unfortunately the element of trust disappears when you discover as an actual matter of fact that she has been lying to your friends, her friends, my own Mother and Father and anyone else relevant, presumably in an attempt to isolate me from anyone who may actually discover the truth?... .Thinking about it I've been completely isolated for many months now, i.e. completely on my own (besides her) with zero direct contact from friends, family or anyone supportive on an emotional level.

After all of this (and that's really just the tip of the ice-berg) I still love her to pieces. Am I being deluded that I think we might end up happily ever after or am I just being plain stupid?

[unicorn2014]

Hi griff, forgive my redundancy, but have I asked if you are in therapy or recovery for yourself?

[griff24]

No, though I have been to see a doctor - depression/battered person syndrome was the verdict... .

[unicorn2014]

griff, may I strongly encourage you to get into therapy as soon as possible for yourself? I think that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Are you aware of any therapists in your area? Are you open to go to therapy?

[griff24]

Open but not sure it would do any good. I know why I feel the way I do and I know her and what she has. What can I learn?... .

[unicorn2014]

Open but not sure it would do any good. I know why I feel the way I do and I know her and what she has. What can I learn?... .

Borderline is such a difficult disorder to treat that even therapists treating borderline go into therapy themselves. You can learn about how the disorder is affecting you, and what you can do to protect yourself, for example.

[griff24]

Yes I was aware of that. One thing I do have is 'staying power' and tolerance and I'm prepared to fight for her, 'it' and me. If there's a cure for cancer (or in this case BPD) I'll  spend my life trying to find it... .

[Moselle]

Griff. There's no cure for BPD. It requires the person with it to decide to beat the disease through hard work and intensive therapy over a period of many years.

And the irony is that how we caretake them, justify their behaviour and generally reinforce their behaviours, is a blocker for them, to doing so.

I think  Unicorn is right. It's hard to see this when we're in the fire, but have a look at "co-dependency". We find with others includung myself, that it's a commin trait of the partner of a pwBPD. It's also hard work to deal with, but very possible. And therapy really helps. Or what I found was that a quality life coach really helps too

[griff24]

Do you think that if I distance myself for a while it will make her realise how much I've done for her and care for her, or is it more likely that she'll just search for a replacement - another 'knight in shining armour?'

[KarinB]

Do you think that if I distance myself for a while it will make her realise how much I've done for her and care for her, or is it more likely that she'll just search for a replacement - another 'knight in shining armour?'

Hi griff24,

I have just read through your thread and realise that it has been a few days since you last posted. How are you getting on/feeling?

It is hard to say how your GF would react if you were to distance yourself but with my BPD Fiancé it works. It gives him time to think and he almost always have a little 'break down' if there hasn't been any communication for a few hours. I then need to be there for him and comfort him even though he is the one who has insulted me.

I guess this depends on how fundamentally strong your relationship actually is.

Hugs