Canceled temporary Hearing-BPD moving near

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First, Thank you ForeverDad for your valuable advise. I so agree with you. I read the book many times. I have no luck with lawyers.  

I am separated one and ten month

- separation agreement: I have a primary physical custody with BPD visitation every other weekends. He gives me child support. He is to pay 62% of extra activities (not happening). He pays medical insurance. I pay before and after care and all necessary expenses with kids activities.

Recently I learned it was just a piece of paper with no consequences. Since May we are trying to divorce with modification. The court ordered two meditations. First mediation done not my favor (My l. thinks it went well). Second mediation is in 10 days. Temporary hearing was scheduled yesterday-canceled. Settlement is in Nov.

During the first mediation, BPD wanted shared physical custody saying he will 10 min. around me. The mediator said one wk on and off will not happen then he wanted more days. I wanted recalculation of CS with before care/his rental income and sole legal custody but I altered my demand (sole custody) before my mediation because my L said it will not happen so I did not bring to the table.

All we came out of the first mediation was

1. me agreeing to share the transportation --> I started doing it after the mediation

2. him calling kids once a week  --> he is not calling kids telling me kids do not want that

3. considering me taking children's insurance

I got a letter after the mediation from BPD L that they definitely want shared physical custody.

After the hearing, I talked to BPD in person which I broke my own rule to communicate in writing. I learned yes, it was all bluffing but he is really moving with his fourth GF and he wants to be a before care--me dropping the kids off at 6:15 am. then he will feed them breakfast and give them a ride to school (8:35 am). and nobody has to pay before care. Also he says he will sell the house so no more house rental income to recalculate. Before I asked him once why he does not come to kids graduations, conferences, etc. He said because it is emotionally too hard for him (he cried) now all of a sudden he shows up at school with his GF, and said he signed up PTA and volunteers. I don't know if it is true and wonder how long it will last. He cries again. why?

I also learned my L does not believe in court system. He has his personal distrust, he told me even though I have all these evidences that BPD is unfit father and he can not find anything on me (actually I have a text from him saying he knows kids are in good hands with me and he knew that from the beginning), judge will not give you what you want and my best chance is to keep doing meditations until it resolves and going to co-parenting counseling.

I am thinking whether I take this deal and get on with my life or fight and let the judge decide. If I have to see BPD for the rest of my life cause we share children, isn't it not too bad for him to do before care? But what kinds of unforeseen insanity can he bring to me and kids life? Despite the fact that I really do not want to face him or his GF every morning, is it still good for kids to see their father every morning? In the morning kids will be there for two hours of course if I agree there has to be clause and consequences. Worst case scenario--him not coming home, GF pissed off, me canceling work, gathering evidences and go to court costing me money

I can give him options like once a wk dinner which he knows he can't but I can push for it during mediation.

Also, if I take over kids insurance, does it calculated into CS which means does BPD have to pay me at least little more for that? My 1st L. said no, present L. says yes. confused.

Thanks...

[Godslove]

First, Thank you ForeverDad for your valuable advise. I so agree with you. I read the book many times. I have no luck with lawyers.  

I am separated one and ten month

- separation agreement: I have a primary physical custody with BPD visitation every other weekends. He gives me child support. He is to pay 62% of extra activities (not happening). He pays medical insurance. I pay before and after care and all necessary expenses with kids activities.

Recently I learned it was just a piece of paper with no consequences. Since May we are trying to divorce with modification. The court ordered two meditations. First mediation done not my favor (My l. thinks it went well). Second mediation is in 10 days. Temporary hearing was scheduled yesterday-canceled. Settlement is in Nov.

During the first mediation, BPD wanted shared physical custody saying he will 10 min. around me. The mediator said one wk on and off will not happen then he wanted more days. I wanted recalculation of CS with before care/his rental income and sole legal custody but I altered my demand (sole custody) before my mediation because my L said it will not happen so I did not bring to the table.

All we came out of the first mediation was

1. me agreeing to share the transportation --> I started doing it after the mediation

2. him calling kids once a week  --> he is not calling kids telling me kids do not want that

3. considering me taking children's insurance

I got a letter after the mediation from BPD L that they definitely want shared physical custody.

After the hearing, I talked to BPD in person which I broke my own rule to communicate in writing. I learned yes, it was all bluffing but he is really moving with his fourth GF and he wants to be a before care--me dropping the kids off at 6:15 am. then he will feed them breakfast and give them a ride to school (8:35 am). and nobody has to pay before care. Also he says he will sell the house so no more house rental income to recalculate. Before I asked him once why he does not come to kids graduations, conferences, etc. He said because it is emotionally too hard for him (he cried) now all of a sudden he shows up at school with his GF, and said he signed up PTA and volunteers. I don't know if it is true and wonder how long it will last. He cries again. why?

I also learned my L does not believe in court system. He has his personal distrust, he told me even though I have all these evidences that BPD is unfit father and he can not find anything on me (actually I have a text from him saying he knows kids are in good hands with me and he knew that from the beginning), judge will not give you what you want and my best chance is to keep doing meditations until it resolves and going to co-parenting counseling.

I am thinking whether I take this deal and get on with my life or fight and let the judge decide. If I have to see BPD for the rest of my life cause we share children, isn't it not too bad for him to do before care? But what kinds of unforeseen insanity can he bring to me and kids life? Despite the fact that I really do not want to face him or his GF every morning, is it still good for kids to see their father every morning? In the morning kids will be there for two hours of course if I agree there has to be clause and consequences. Worst case scenario--him not coming home, GF pissed off, me canceling work, gathering evidences and go to court costing me money

I can give him options like once a wk dinner which he knows he can't but I can push for it during mediation.

Also, if I take over kids insurance, does it calculated into CS which means does BPD have to pay me at least little more for that? My 1st L. said no, present L. says yes. confused.

Thanks...

[whirlpoollife]

For medical insurance , in my state and county, med ins. does get calculated in. When my xh was paying the ins, he received a discount credit on c/s.  But I was to pay the first $250 in expenses per child, and about 50% after . Xh filed for modification on child support .  Now I pay the medical insurance premium, so I am to receive more in c/s. I still pay that first 250 per child , and I now pay 60% after that.  I pay evething upfront for medical expenses, then I am to submit it to xh at the end of the year and then to the support dept if he doesn't pay. ( in my case he never has paid them and continues to take me to court on support)

Is it possible for you to pay for the morning child care when the kids are with you and then when he has the kids he can keep them for breakfast on his days?  If I was in your situation I would not want to see my xh every morning,  or what if he had a change of plans at the last minute and you had to then find care for kids.

[ForeverDad]

Daily exchanges - or too-frequent exchanges - are not advisable IMO.  While he wants daily exchanges, the fact is that it becomes too overwhelming and cumbersome to manage the back and forth on a daily basis, week in, week out, month in, month out.

In my case, the separation divorce process and post-divorce period were very confrontational.  Our contact was of course at exchanges and she made them confrontational.  Therefore, I wanted as few exchanges as possible.*  So I think some questions for you to ponder are... .

• How confrontational are our exchanges?  If high, then don't invite problems.



• Will my Ex use the additional or more frequent exchanges to whittle away my custodial or parenting authority?



• Will my Ex use the additional or more frequent exchanges to delay returning the children for various reasons and excuses?



• How will the children be affected?  Will the frequent exchanges be difficult to adjust to?  (A common complaint/report here is that it takes time for a child to transition back to normal after a visit with an obstructive, alienating or manipulative disordered parent.)



• Is Ex's request/offer really for the children or just a way to posture for court or appearances and later fade back to old patterns?



• Once Ex has more or more frequent visitation, will ex just hand the children off to his new partner as time goes on?



• If I agree to let Ex have frequent visitation, how hard will it be to undo it if it becomes a problem?  Is it possible to instead have a tight order and then let there be occasional changes at my discretion and not to create 'history' based on the needs and level of cooperation?

* On Trial Day I had walked into court and was greeted with the news that after 2 years in court my ex was finally ready to settle.  We had very confrontational exchanges.  Though most were at the county sheriff's office, she always tried to posture as a victim to the deputies on duty.  On the table was moving me up from alternate weekends to equal time.  With that in mind, I told my Custody Evaluator I wanted alternate weeks to have the fewest possible exchanges.  He replied that children under 10 should have more frequent visits than alternate weeks.  My son is 13 now, the summer schedule is still equal time but we still don't have alternate weeks.

In fact, a couple years ago I sought majority time (I had already become legal guardian) and the court granted it but only during the school year.  I told my lawyer I wanted it modified slightly so that summers were alternate weeks instead of the existing split week (2-2-5-5) schedule.  He exclaimed, "What?  You just got more time because of the ex's poor behaviors!  Do you want the court to believe you're okay with your Ex having longer regular time, an entire week, with your child?"

[ForeverDad]

I wanted ... .sole legal custody but I altered my demand (sole custody) before my mediation because my L said it will not happen so I did not bring to the table.

Gaining sole legal custody is not common.  Courts don't want a parent to feel locked out of being a parent.  Generally sole custody is granted only for substantive child abuse, endangerment or neglect.  Don't feel it's all a lost cause.  You have the right goal but not quite the right tool.  Consider seeking ":)ecision Making" or "Tie Breaker" status.  It still leave you two with joint legal status but it means he can't obstruct you for months and $$$ while you wait and wait to get your objective done with a mediator or a court case.

* These are essentially almost like sole custody but allow the other parent to still say it is joint custody, language the courts like to maintain:

DM - Decision Making -- You have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

TM - Tie Breaker -- You seek agreement from Ex on major decisions first but you have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

He is really moving with his fourth GF and he wants to be a before care--me dropping the kids off at 6:15 am then he will feed them breakfast and give them a ride to school (8:35 am) and nobody has to pay before care.

This may save some $$$ - sounds to me like his real goal is to minimize his child support obligations - but is it worth it?  As you wrote elsewhere in your post, "how long will it last?"  That's why I put in my post above that the order needs to be clear, difficult to reinterpret to his favor and close as many loopholes and gotchas as possible.  Then, since you are the agreeable sort of person that you are, once you have an order that works for you and the children, then from that secure position you can allow some additional time as appropriate.  You can always say, "This is what is working and will work now.  Maybe later after a year or so we can reconsider the schedule.  Meanwhile I can always consider occasional requests."

The point is that you can reciprocate his good behavior - no problem at all - but it is unlikely he will consistently reciprocate your good efforts.  Don't lock yourself into an order which presumes you both reciprocate but you know somehow someway he won't.  Yes, some things you'll have little choice but to settle or have the court decide, but don't go there willingly, not if you have good reason to believe it isn't right or won't work.

Before I asked him once why he does not come to kids graduations, conferences, etc. He said because it is emotionally too hard for him (he cried) now all of a sudden he shows up at school with his GF, and said he signed up PTA and volunteers. I don't know if it is true and wonder how long it will last.

See why trying to reason or whatever with the Ex just complicates things?   As my lawyer always said, his #1 priority was to sit on his clients to shut them up and stop them from making his case that much harder to resolve.  As you found out, trying to reason with him did get a response but (1) it made things more complicated and problematic for you and the children and (2) his changes probably won't last.