Tired of being "punished"

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I'm new here, just found the boards today. My mom hasn't been diagnosed but she exhibits SO many BPD symptoms. I always knew something was wrong growing up but didn't know what. Nothing I do for my mom is ever enough. I've worked really hard the past few years to put a lot more boundaries in place and try and live my own adult life. I still see my mom but I'm not there at her beck and call any longer. This of course has been met with a lot of resistance. I've also limited my contact with her as I found her negativity and rage was draining me emotionally and I couldn't handle it any longer. It's taken me a while to realize how truly vindictive my mother is. Growing up, I remember she used to like "getting back" at people. If she had felt slighted she would say in a very conniving voice, "well next time, I just just going to do x, y or z".

My dear grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago and I had offered to prepare a slideshow presentation. My mom moved out to the country a few years ago which has been a bit of a point of contention, as she lives a lot further away now, it's not easy to just drop by to see her. Well she wanted me to drive all the way to her house and back to pick up a USB drive, despite them being in the city the next day and not having to work. I thought it was important to uphold my boundaries and state that I wouldn't be able to pick it up and asked if it would be possible for them to drop it off. She made up all these excuses as to why she couldn't drop it off and started raging when I stood my ground. So she took the slideshow away from me, knowing that would hurt me.

She also made sure not to tell me that my sister and brother were both speaking at the funeral or even let me know that we were welcome to speak. She withheld where the dinner would be that evening and what time. I feel this is her way of punishing me for not complying like my siblings. A few years ago, she changed the location of our families Thanksgiving dinner and move it a half hour across town and didn't tell me, so we arrived at the wrong location. Her response when I brought this up was "if you would call me, you would have known". I'm just tired of being "punished" for not complying. I'm understanding more and more why people go no contact. I don't know how to deal with this behaviour. I just can't imagine wanting to do everything in your power to hurt your child.

[Flintridge]

Hello,

I'm new here, just found the boards today. My mom hasn't been diagnosed but she exhibits SO many BPD symptoms. I always knew something was wrong growing up but didn't know what. Nothing I do for my mom is ever enough. I've worked really hard the past few years to put a lot more boundaries in place and try and live my own adult life. I still see my mom but I'm not there at her beck and call any longer. This of course has been met with a lot of resistance. I've also limited my contact with her as I found her negativity and rage was draining me emotionally and I couldn't handle it any longer. It's taken me a while to realize how truly vindictive my mother is. Growing up, I remember she used to like "getting back" at people. If she had felt slighted she would say in a very conniving voice, "well next time, I just just going to do x, y or z".

My dear grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago and I had offered to prepare a slideshow presentation. My mom moved out to the country a few years ago which has been a bit of a point of contention, as she lives a lot further away now, it's not easy to just drop by to see her. Well she wanted me to drive all the way to her house and back to pick up a USB drive, despite them being in the city the next day and not having to work. I thought it was important to uphold my boundaries and state that I wouldn't be able to pick it up and asked if it would be possible for them to drop it off. She made up all these excuses as to why she couldn't drop it off and started raging when I stood my ground. So she took the slideshow away from me, knowing that would hurt me.

She also made sure not to tell me that my sister and brother were both speaking at the funeral or even let me know that we were welcome to speak. She withheld where the dinner would be that evening and what time. I feel this is her way of punishing me for not complying like my siblings. A few years ago, she changed the location of our families Thanksgiving dinner and move it a half hour across town and didn't tell me, so we arrived at the wrong location. Her response when I brought this up was "if you would call me, you would have known". I'm just tired of being "punished" for not complying. I'm understanding more and more why people go no contact. I don't know how to deal with this behaviour. I just can't imagine wanting to do everything in your power to hurt your child.

[Glenna]

Hi Flintridge,

I'm fairly new here so I want to just say welcome. In my short time here, I have been able to share my experiences and feelings and receive back comfort and perspective, as well as thoughtful advice.

I'm sorry you are having this heartache. It is sad when person can't feel loved by their mother. I too had the experience of nothing ever being good enough. Also of not being told things that others were told. It is shocking and hurtful.

I hope you keep on posting and are able to use this site to heal.

Glenna

[Turkish]

Hi Flintridge,

It sounds like your siblings have acquiesced to the demands of your mother and become loyal subjects to The Queen. Where's Dad in all of this? You must feel so alone sometimes... .You are doing well to assert your boundaries despite her spiteful revenge tantrums. We have a discussion here, based around the concepts presented in the book Understanding The Borderlne Mother, which may be a good starting point:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

  I just can't imagine wanting to do everything in your power to hurt your child.

This is one of the hardest things for most of us to process, Flintridge. To me, this sounds like reactive sabatoge. How did you learn about boundaries, and do you have ideas on how you might assert them better within the scope of her BPD behaviors? Altering our transactions may or may not result in a change in bahaviors by the pwBPD in our lives, but they may result in giving us more peace of mind.



Turkish

[Flintridge]

Thanks for your kind words Glenna

Turkish,

Yes, that's exactly right. My mom without a doubt is a "queen". I read this recently and couldn't believe how much it described my mother's behaviour. My parents are divorced and my step dad, while he's  a very nice man, he's sort of the whipped puppy. He does anything my mom says and if he doesn't, boy is he going to hear about it! I think to maintain the peace, he has really had to give in and enable my mom all these years.

I've learned about boundaries through therapy and an "attacking anxiety" program I did several years ago. I also very luckily have a supportive husband who comes from a emotionally healthy family. I feel like while putting more boundaries put some peace back in my life, sometimes I feel like those warm feelings are robbed by the unhappiness I feel when my mom treats me this way.