Pain is turning into memories

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I have been 82 days No Contact. As in not a peep. After a 3.5 year turbulent, completely unstable BPD relationship.

I can say that the immense pain I had is slowly turning into memories. The problem with memories is that they are always positive for me, so I am trying to allow myself to feel without dwelling too much.  It is a process, but this is the first time in my life when I am taking the time to learn more about myself.

She is not the first thing on my mind anymore but I certainly miss her.

My good buddy (who also ended a BPD relationship) wants to go with me to Miami for a few days which is where we had our last trip as a couple.  It ended in disaster, so I am torn as to whether I should take the trip and face the nostalgia, or stay away in case I get triggered. Your thoughts?

[hopealways]

I have been 82 days No Contact. As in not a peep. After a 3.5 year turbulent, completely unstable BPD relationship.

I can say that the immense pain I had is slowly turning into memories. The problem with memories is that they are always positive for me, so I am trying to allow myself to feel without dwelling too much.  It is a process, but this is the first time in my life when I am taking the time to learn more about myself.

She is not the first thing on my mind anymore but I certainly miss her.

My good buddy (who also ended a BPD relationship) wants to go with me to Miami for a few days which is where we had our last trip as a couple.  It ended in disaster, so I am torn as to whether I should take the trip and face the nostalgia, or stay away in case I get triggered. Your thoughts?

[purekalm]

Hey hopealways,

That is awesome you are doing so well! 

To me, when I read it, my first thought was, why not turn bad memories into good ones at that place with your buddy? It may be hard at first, and you may get triggered, but in my opinion it'd be better to be triggered by replacing bad memories than always avoiding a certain place for fear of what it may make you feel.

I hope I don't come across callous, and I'm not the most experienced here, I'm sure you will get some better answers.

Only, right now I am separating from mine while still living with him... .yeah, talk about difficult, but I have a son with him and it has ALWAYS been bad no matter where we were or what we were doing. And to top it off, my son looks and acts so much like him sometimes. I can't avoid my son because of the bad memories and I don't want to. I want to look at him and see him, for who he is.

Just like Miami, you can see it for just a place. Not, that place where I was hurt so badly I don't even want to mention it, but see it for what it is. A place where a bad memory was made. The place itself is just that, a place.

Hopefully I made some sense and I'm sorry if I haven't. But I do wish you well in your recovery process, because it is some HARD work. 

[enlighten me]

Personally I would go. Some bits may be triggering but you have an opportunity to overwrite some bad memories with good. How many times have you seen Miami on the TV and thought of her? In future when you see Miami you may remember it differently.

I lived in Germany with my ex wife. I took my son back for the weekend to Koln for the Christmas market. Little things triggered me such as certain signs and shops. Now though when I think of Germany most of those years I was there with my ex wife have been replaced by that one weekend.

[once removed]

hey hopealways  

i think this is uniquely personal but relatively simple. what do you think? what do you want to do/lean toward? youre probably right either way. if it would upset you and/or trigger you, and youd prefer to avoid that, i encourage you to do so. if you think youd just have a good time with your buddy, perhaps challenge your comfort zone, go for it.

certain exposure desensitizes our triggers. certain exposure exacerbates them. what does your gut tell you?

[Lifewriter16]

I think the trip could be very healing especially since you would be taking it with someone who understood BPD and with whom you could talk if necessary. But, I agree with hopealways - follow your gut and do what feels right to you.

Love Lifewriter