New and reaching out for the first time

[Cane787]

Due to @Lifewriter16 giving such a lovely welcome I thought I should reach out and share why I'm here.

From what I've witnessed on this site, I feel thankful to have such a calm group.

To start, I feel so relieved to be living far away and without the torment of work from my ex best friend / part time lover that was a high functioning borderline, and then some days I feel pain and remorse for being forced to leave her.  I'm compassionate enough to imagine she'd rather not feel and live the way she does more than I do.

However, this relationship has affected my health in detrimental ways. To give a brief history, it was a 30 year relationship of when things were great, they couldn't be better. To when they were bad, I feel like I should be given the Purple Heart. It all left me feeling not only scarred but deeply hurt. The history is mind boggling long. It started as a sisterhood, deep kinship, close best friends relationship that spiraled into a love affair that surprised us both. (Or so I thought. It most certainly surprised me.) After many years of codependency on my part, and the usual borderline textbook abuse on her part, One day I mentioned to a therapist my reading had me thinking my friend had borderline. The therapist who had treated her as well, then pointed out I was enduring what I was all those years from my child self being mentally abused by a family member.  It hit me like a brick over the head. I felt like a fool that my intuition had always known something was off about her but it took me such a lengthy time to learn of how severe, and why I stuck around it!  After four years of NC we reconciled. It was a bittersweet reunion. I felt happy to enjoy her company and I had regained myself during our separation, while I felt lost in how to help her. I was honest as I always am. It was the idealization / honeymoon phase so I told her what my reading taught me and what the therapist said. My actions were sincere in helping. Then she reached out in tears of gratitude that someone finally was honest with her to what's been happening her entire life. I offered all of the support I could muster to help her get professional therapy while living without my apologies, acknowledgement of her many times over abusive actions. During this reconciliation I could tell she truly tried to stop abandoning me but she still couldn't control the condition and all that comes with that. So just as always, she soon went into denial and spoke of how women are mysterious, complicated creatures. Soon after when I had to work for communication with her, and she was taking part in a new personality that I'm sure she mirrored from a new source of attention, I decided it was time to save myself and went NC.

She did reach out once but I grey rocked her.

I still don't know if I did the right thing but once she thinks she has a person wrapped, she's impossible to get through to. Her open mind is only for the moments when a person is a challenge. My love for who I thought she was will always be there, but my energy in this one sided relationship has been lost.

I also fear I loved her because she was only a portrayal of everything I love in a person. It's sad to know it was never really her.

Now I see from the list on this site I'm in the processing stage. I was hoping I was a little further, but totally open to healing with everyone else.

[Teereese]

Welcome Cane787 

I am sorry that you have gone through this. You will come out stronger and wiser 

I can relate to much of your story. I am sure that each and every member has questioned themselves on whether they did or were doing the right thing. I know that I have.

The past affects the future. I am gaining insight to my parents' dynamics when I was young and their affect on me, why I was attracted to a pwBPD and stayed in the relationship for decades.

I am still processing but moving into to the creative action stage. I am beginning to see the whole r/s experience as a life lesson for which I appreciate.

[Cane787]

Thank you, Teereese. I like how you put this;

"I am still processing but moving into to the creative action stage. I am beginning to see the whole r/s experience as a life lesson for which I appreciate."

I know what you mean. I know I am better off and even though some days the situation and history make me melancholy, the life lesson is such a positive change to future relationships.

I am looking forward to learning more about your situation.

[Stolen]

Cane,

This was brilliant: "... .and she was taking part in a new personality that I'm sure she mirrored from a new source of attention... ."   

That mirroring is what had me baffled. How a person could have a 180 degree personality change, jettisoning so much of their life to that point, was just beyond me. How they could bond with a toxic individual who seemed totally counter to all of their prior values, how they could ignore the concerns of so many long term friends and family.

[Tomzxz]

Welcome Cane787

I second the brilliance of your statement. 

"... .and she was taking part in a new personality that I'm sure she mirrored from a new source of attention... ."   

I'm sure, I would hardly recognize my ex's personality as I knew it if I talked to her now.  I think her personality was appropriated from the many failed relationships she has had with men and women, lovers and friends etc... .

It's hard to let go of "the dream" that was our relationships. The reality was another thing entirely and it fills our minds with confusing thoughts, self doubts, anger and sadness.  Keep in mind that this is all part of self reflection and thus a healthy part of recovering from your trauma bond.  If you ex taught you one thing, it was not to follow her life example. Instead, you have the ability to admit your mistakes, self reflect, grow and change.

It will take time to heal, grow past your own baggage, and regain a newfound trust in yourself. But acknowledging your part in all of this is the first step in moving past the pain and it sounds like you are well on your way to rebuilding yourself into the person you want to find.

[parisian]

Cane,

That mirroring is what had me baffled. How a person could have a 180 degree personality change, jettisoning so much of their life to that point, was just beyond me. How they could bond with a toxic individual who seemed totally counter to all of their prior values, how they could ignore the concerns of so many long term friends and family.

PwBPD cannot cope with stable, healthy relationships because of the fear of abandonment. They often must return to abusive or destructive prior relationships because the trauma from their past means that is what they are comfortable with. Because they have no sense of self or self identity they are also unclear on their values so it is very easy for them ro be 'someone else'. When they were with us they mirrored us and our values in the idealization phase, and can equally do this with someone else, including someone who has the complete opposite values to us.

Hang in there, sounds like you are making great progress.

[Cane787]

Thanks so much Tomzmz and Stolen.   I appreciate that.

I'm grateful to you all for the support and feedback.

It just seems so frustrating to know we are competent, loving individuals and yet we now have to face something faulty in ourselves after being hit by such a roller coaster. Haven't we all done enough work? But you're right Stolen, I like how you put that. Your two words will be my new mantra; 'newfound -- rebuilding'.

II must say I just joined this group and I have found it so helpful and healing already.