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Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
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Topic: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife (Read 1739 times)
TooRational
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Relationship status: married but separated
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Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
on:
October 11, 2015, 07:29:59 AM »
Hello,
I've posted two threads before (thanks to everyone who helped) but I'd like to focus this one mainly on depression. My W has been clearly depressed since she stopped her meds 1-2 months ago (she says so herself) and I'm starting to think that some of her BPD behaviors might actually be due to her depression. My T said that if she was BPD, she would have displayed such behaviors since her teenage years, which she really hasn't. She's 37 now and we've been together since we were 18.
Her previous mental health problem episodes were more related to her anxiety and problems coping with stressful situations rather than her showing DPB behaviors. Right now, her main DPB characteristic is her losing her temper under stress with the kids, unfairly scolding them. She's basically unable to control her emotions and is very sensitive to me invalidating. Her other DPB-like behavior is serial cheating. She reminds me a drug addict. She uses that comparison herself actually. She says that it's such a strong desire that the only way to prevent her from doing it would be to chain her inside the house. Just like drugs, she likes the high but is generally depressed otherwise. Speaking of drugs, she says that if she had easy access to them, she would totally be doing drugs right now.
Going back to her depression, she's reading a novel about it now and says that it matches lots of her feelings. She told me she feels detached from things and events in her life, like she's just watching a movie. Since she's detached, she gets into more risky behaviors without fears of the consequences because she doesn't feel involved, almost like it's not her doing things.
So I'm now starting to think that I'm not on the right forum. Maybe I should focus more on trying to help her out with her depression rather than "fixing" her DPB behaviors. Any tips or pointers about that?
At least she's seeing a T but somehow hasn't talked much about her depression. She also hasn't talked much about her emotion control issues. In fact, from the little she told me, the main topic with her T seems to be how she feels trapped in our failed relationship and how it is a huge burden for her to be a part-time housewife (she works 20h/wk). She has lots of resentment for the last 6 years since we've had kids and my perceived lack of help on household chores, which is true to some extent. I've made huge improvements in the last few months though and she agrees. Her T seems to be mostly validating her emotions at this point and not much else. Doesn't really have a plan to treat her depression or mood swings. Actually, she does have a plan: no meds. She seems to be pretty anti-meds and wants my W to learn how to deal with how she feels right now rather than "numbing" her feelings with pills. Fair enough, but she has no plan (that we know of).
One last thing, we have young kids, which is one of the reason that I'm trying to make this relationship work instead of dumping her. We are also married, which also means something to me. Last thing, I believe that depression is a disease and some of her actions are due to the disease. It's not a free pass to let her do whatever she wants and she still has to take responsibilities for her cheating behaviors but it's an attenuation factor. She has at least agreed to try to stop this bad behavior when we talked a few days ago, which is an improvement over a discussion 2-3 weeks ago.
We're going to start a 1-2 days a week trial separation this week so this might just give her more opportunities to misbehave though. I'm afraid of that but she needs space, so I'll give it to her. At least she's going to a friend's house but that friend won't always be there (she spends days at her boyfriend's place a few times a week).
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Notwendy
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #1 on:
October 11, 2015, 08:59:29 AM »
While it is understandable that you are concerned about your wife's depression, you also have the right to have your own boundaries.
Your wife seems to have reasons to justify her " infidelity" her "addiction" to sex as she describes, however, there are numerous people who are depressed who do not have to have sex outside marriage. If she wants sex, she has you for that.
Your wife has a T. That is the person who is best qualified to treat her depression- If this T isn't effective, then one can always get another opinion. I don't know why the T has suggested going off medication, but not everyone needs medication. However, if you have seen a sudden onset of these changes ( they were not there before) since she stopped, then that may be useful information for her T.
Your job is to do this: take care of yourself, and your kids. One big question is - can you be married to someone who is cheating on you? For some people, this is a deal breaker and for others, they are OK with an open marriage. Your wife is responsible for her choices. You are responsible for yours.
Even with children, we teach them that choices have consequences. If a child chooses to smack a sibling, then that child goes to time out. If the child does his/her homework, then he gets a good grade. If you go to work, you get your paycheck and if not, you do not. You know the rules at your job. If you want to remain employed, then you stick to them. It isn't your boss's fault if you don't. Without a prior agreement to an open marriage, infidelity can cause harm to the relationship.
Infidelity is a complicated situation, and even if one person cheats, there is usually issues in the relationship that both people contribute to. I have known of couples who have repaired their marriages after infidelity, but for them, it has taken couples counseling and possibly individual counseling to achieve this.
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Hope12345
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #2 on:
October 11, 2015, 03:54:16 PM »
TooRational – I read all your posts and can relate to almost everything you have been experiencing. Your wife seems to be at the same place mine was several years ago, and was saying the exact same things to me. She was depressed….I was too controlling…... she wanted to be out of the marriage and be independent one moment then want to save the marriage the next. The only difference in our situations is that you know she is a serial cheater and I didn’t. I was experiencing everything you are now but it wasn’t until later that I learned of the infidelity that was going on at that time.
You are in a tough spot and although things are better with my wife and I now, if I was back where you are now, I am not sure I would have continued to fight for the marriage. Just being honest.
First, you are not on the wrong forum. You are exactly where you need to be and that alone gives you the advantage I did not have at the time. The focus needs to be on the BPD. The depression, anxiety, and even the cheating are all related to the disorder. Focusing on the depression, or going to MC to focus on the cheating, would be like placing a cold compress on a fractured skull. The cheating is a means to an end for her. Just a method to feel good, or more to the point, not feel bad. It is not unlike BPDs who cut themselves, abuse alcohol, or take illegal drugs. MC will do nothing but frustrate you more at this stage because it will try to convince you that you had some role in her choice to cheat and that you can help prevent it. You didn’t, and can’t. Try to let her and a MC convince you otherwise will just cause you more pain when you do everything they tell you that you should, only for the cheating to continue. This is all on her. She needs to make a choice to stop cheating and get serious help. Until both occur, you need to focus on you and the kids only. Her cheating is just another form of extreme behavior often seen in BPD’s. Look at it as she is self destructing. There is nothing you can do to control her if she chooses to self destruct, but you need to do what you can to protect you, and your children, if that is the choice she makes. I do think a point will come where she will stop and realize the damage she has done to herself and others. Unfortunately, that light bulb may come on a week from now, or not until 10 years from now. Take control of your life and give yourself a deadline. Decide how long you are willing to give it before you walk away from the relationship, but be prepared to walk away when that time comes, should her light not come on. That is your control. Don’t keep moving the deadline……that is being codependent.
Just an FYI, I read where you said her boyfriend talked her into saving the marriage. My wife had a very similar conversation with her affair partner around the time my wife was sure she wanted out of the marriage, and wanted to be independent. Keep in mind I did not even know she was cheating at this time. All I knew is one minute she was certain she wanted out, and the next she didn’t. Turns out she told the guy she was leaving and he persuaded her to save the marriage. Not because he was such a great guy, but because he needed her to be married. He was only interested in her knowing she had to “be home by 5pm”. Last thing he wanted was someone else’s cheating wife in his life. When your wife tells him she is convinced she is leaving, he will most likely kick her to the curb, at which point she is going to be begging for your forgiveness. A BPD’s fear of abandonment is huge. If that person isn’t waiting for her, and he won’t be, she will return to her “rock” and do, and say, anything in that moment. Why am I telling you this? Because when this happens, do not convince yourself the crisis is over and let yourself return to playing house. If the BPD is not addressed, by experienced professionals and not just some therapist that allows her to guide the therapy sessions, this cycle will continue to repeat itself.
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babyducks
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #3 on:
October 11, 2015, 07:08:05 PM »
Hi TooRational,
I have a couple of thoughts. First, the best description I ever read about the typical characteristics of BPD was in a book by Margalis Fjelstad. This is a quote from her book.
Excerpt
Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, p. 9 - 11
Traits of BP/NP
Emotional Instability
- Emotional neediness, which may be covered up by a facade of independence
- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever
- Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact
- Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions
- Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change
- Ongoing intense anxiety or fear
Thought Instability
- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)
- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others
- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do
- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings
Behavioral Instability
- Impulsive behavior (ex. sexual acting out, reckless behavior, gambling, going into dangerous situations with little awareness
- Physically, sexually or emotionally abusive to others
- May cut, burn or mutilate themselves
- Often have addictions or other compulsive behaviors
- Create crises and chaos continuously
- Can go to suicidal thoughts when disappointed or disagreed with
Instability of a Sense of Self
- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like
- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with
- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self
- Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
- Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together
- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others
Relationship Instability
- Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation
- Hostile, devaluing attacks on loved ones, while being charming and pleasant to strangers
- Over idealization of others (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes)
- Have trouble being alone even for short periods of time,yet push others away by picking fights
- Blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents
- May try to avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first
- Difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around
- Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others
- Demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate
I found the book to be very helpful.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
I agree with what Hope12345 said. You are not on the wrong forum. I also agree you need to focus on you and your children.
I noticed this in what you posted.
Quote from: TooRational on October 11, 2015, 07:29:59 AM
Maybe I should focus more on trying to help her out with her depression rather than "fixing" her DPB behaviors. Any tips or pointers about that?
It's not possible to take responsibility for some one else's mental health any more than you could take responsibility for their cancer or their diabetes or their arthritis. You can provide empathic listening and encouragement. You can become educated. You can learn validation skills to help with communication. As much as we might wish it, you can't help someone out of depression or fix BPD behaviors. The only person you can "fix" is you. And that is by becoming as grounded and stable as you can be. by establishing boundaries. by taking responsibility for what is yours to control, your stuff. I would suggest you dive into the lessons. they put you in a better position to make stronger healthier choices.
'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
TooRational
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #4 on:
October 12, 2015, 09:23:38 PM »
Thanks everyone for all the nice comments and sorry for the reply delay, I've been busy and didn't have notifications on.
Notwendy, yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable with an open marriage. When she admitted her strong sexual attraction to other guys, we agreed to try swinging. We went twice to a club but nothing happened, but it was close. We were too shy. So she found it easier to hook-up on the internet instead as a single woman.
Hope12345, wow, thanks for reading all of my posts, you're patient. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone living the same thing. I have a few questions, do you have kids? How did your wife depression get better in the end? You say that things are better now, what were the key steps in the improvements?
Yes, I'm being very careful right now and if it will ever gets better, I'll have to ask myself if I really can forgive her all the cheating. Really not sure yet. At this point though, she's slowly walking out the door and I'm helping. Actually, she was supposed to go to her friend's house tonight but she couldn't make it. The effort required to pack all of her things, combined with the anxiety of leaving her house for a new place was too much for her depressed state. It raised her anxiety through the roof. She told me "I feel like just curling up into a ball".
So what I proposed is to actually take the kids to my parents for a few days. So she'll get her break from the kids and from me but she'll be in her own house. From the outside it might look like I'm "weak" and giving her everything she want, even after her hurting me. But I she's the mother of my kids, at the very least, and she's sick and in need of help. I'll help, that's who I am, I have empathy ever for those that hurt me. I also want a heatlhy mom for our kids, not a depressed mom.
Thanks babyducks, I'll put that book on my list.
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2014
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #5 on:
October 13, 2015, 02:21:21 AM »
To the OP:
I have suffered severe depression my entire life (on and off - im good now) and i do
NOT
have BPD. I did not behave in any way like your wife did, ever.
My ex-bf had severe depression
and BPD
. He did everything your wife is doing.
I do believe you have come to the right place. Her depression is a symptom of something bigger and that could very well be BPD.
If possible, get a second opinion from a different T.
Please proceed with caution in every step, get educated as much as you can, practice major self-care & self-love. Recovery from a relationship with a BPD can take years if you don't take action (for yourself & kids) in time.
Keep posting, we are here, we are listening, we understand, we care.
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Notwendy
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #6 on:
October 13, 2015, 06:10:56 AM »
It may also help to look at the symptoms of depression. These symptoms can overlap with BPD and it is possible to have both.
www2.nami.org/content/navigationmenu/intranet/homefront/criteria_major_d_episode.pdf
The lessons and this board can be of some help regardless of if your wife is fully diagnosed with BPD or not. Consider if your relationship fits the dynamics of a BPD-co-dependent relationship, even if neither of you have the "label". These lessons are relationship tools to use, but we have to "use" them to direct change in ourselves, not as ways to change another person.
Although my mother has fully symptomatic BPD, my H does not. Still, we each have just enough traits of the pattern BPD/codependency to bring the same dynamics into our marriage that I saw in my parents. They were automatic for me. I had poor boundaries and I was co-dependent. It felt normal to me since that was what I grew up with. I recognized my part in the relationship and worked on myself. This has resulted in better dynamics between us. I decided that the lessons could work regardless of any "labels". There are posters here whose SO's are not formally diagnosed. We obviously can't ( and should not) use the information here to diagnose anybody, but I think we can look at the traits and patterns and if they seem to fit us, start with the lessons. This isn't the same as formal therapy, which posters can seek on their own.
Your task is to make the best decision for you and your family, and that can be different for every member here. This isn't to be judged as "weak" as you said. It's that you made the best choice for you and your family.
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TooRational
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #7 on:
October 13, 2015, 03:37:29 PM »
Thanks everyone, yes, I realize that I'm at the right place here. You guys are awesome.
I looked at the list of symptoms for depression and my wife has 5 but it's getting worse. She's still able to function normally during the day but she has to push herself.
I met with my T this morning and she made me realize something. I mentioned previously that my W has trouble accepting the slightest of criticism. Well, it's probably because this criticism is not counter balanced by enough positive feedback, which is true. I used to give her much more compliments about her behavior, appearance, how she makes me feel, etc, during our first years together. I realize now that I haven't done that nearly enough in the last few years, with our relationship dwindling. My lack of positive feedback combined with her low self-esteem is probably one explanation for her depression. It's also possibly what she's looking for with her cheating. I mean, everyone likes to be complimented and this happens often when flirting.
I'll try to compliment her more often from now on. I must admit that it's not necessarily gonna be easy. I must overlook her bad behaviors and focus on her positive behaviors. I'll try to dig out some old love letters that I kept. I mostly have the ones she sent me though but I'd like to find those that I sent. They are the ones full of positive things about her.
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Hope12345
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #8 on:
October 13, 2015, 04:48:14 PM »
Quote from: TooRational on October 12, 2015, 09:23:38 PM
Hope12345, wow, thanks for reading all of my posts, you're patient. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone living the same thing. I have a few questions, do you have kids? How did your wife depression get better in the end? You say that things are better now, what were the key steps in the improvements?
TR –
Glad to see you came back. Thought you may have posted a couple threads and just went off hoping to find the answers elsewhere, much like I did over a year ago.
My wife and I have a teenage son, who would have been about 11 when I was going through much of what you are experiencing now.
What helped my wife’s depression then? Medication and therapy, which both only focused on the depression and anxiety. She was not ready to accept BPD as a cause (neither of us knew about it or considered it) and still kept much of her cheating behaviors secret, even from the therapists. Up until I had evidence of one affair(one night stand), all I saw was the substance abuse.
To her at that time, the cause of her depression was me. My controlling behaviors, her sense of being trapped in an unhappy, controlling, marriage, and her belief that all would be well if she just got out of the marriage.
Was I controlling? Absolutely, and so are you in much the same way from what you have shared. Telling her what she “should” do…... criticizing the choices she makes. Understand BPD develops from a combination of biological and environmental causes. An environmental cause is an invalidating environment. Our controlling behaviors…... our tendency to treat the BPD as a child who is not capable of making good decisions(like what driving route to take), or pointing out the flaws in their choices and decisions, maintain that invalidating environment. We convince ourselves we are just being “helpful”. We are not. Your control issues will need addressed and MC did this for me…….though I am not suggesting it is a route to take at this time.
Your wife may think your controlling and invalidating behaviors are the primary cause of her depression. She may even convince you of that. Your behavior did not cause her disorder, though it will prevent her from getting healthier if it continues, and you stay together. It will also prevent you from forming healthy relationships, if you choose to walk away. Our tendency to take control of situations and gravitate to those who welcome it, at least initially in the relationship, is what got us here. Although we did not cause our spouses disorder, our controlling/caretaking tendencies allowed us to ignore the signs of it and stay in a relationship that people seeking a more healthy and equal partnership would have detached from early on. Regardless what happens to your marriage, you still want to work on you so you can prevent falling into this dynamic in the future.
Based on what you have shared, I would guess her depression is based on feeling abandoned, as was the case with my wife at that time. My wife went to her affair partner and told him she was leaving. He told her not to by suggesting she focus on her family and marriage. She perceived this, and correctly so, as rejection. He was handed the opportunity to have her all to himself and he declined, and she is probably now struggling with the fact that he did not care for her the way she thought he did, and she is now alone. This is not to say she will end the affair. She may not, not yet. It will still be a source of validation and immediate gratification if she allows it to be.
As for the key steps in improvement for my wife, I can tell you it was nothing I could help her accomplish and truly internalizing that I have no control over her fate was almost as difficult to grasp as the idea of her infidelity. I guess the biggest turning point was that I detached. I moved out. Once she no longer had me to blame for all that was wrong in her world, I think she was willing to look at herself. I think that was pivotal but it was a choice she had to make on her own. When we were going through much of what you are now, she was not ready to make that choice. She was not able to look at herself, and all I could do was look at me and work on my controlling issues. I was willing to do that at the time because she had me convinced the affair was over, which it was because he ended it when she told him she was leaving. When we started marriage counseling and working on what we thought were the issues, their affair started back up(I just didn't know at the time). Again, affair partner was fine being involved with my wife, as long as she stayed someone’s wife. It continued until it was no longer giving her all the validation she craved, so she sought out another affair elsewhere. It really can be an addiction, but it is an addiction to the need for validation……the feeling of being worth something to someone else. The sex was just a means to an end.
I can’t emphasize this enough….focus on you, and detach from her. Not easy to do for us caretakers but it is necessary, whether you wish to save your marriage or not. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More as a first step. The book babyducks linked also looks like it would be helpful and I will probably check it out myself.
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TooRational
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #9 on:
October 13, 2015, 11:16:37 PM »
Hope12345, thanks you so much for sharing your story. I can really relate and it's very helpful. Our story of their affair partner convincing them to stay is very similar. In my W case, the other guy is actually in a similar relationship (as in, not going very well, not much intimacy) with his own W but he will never leave her and tried to convince my W that it as worth staying. Not sure if they still see each other or not, I'm pretty sure that they are.
You say that accepting that you had no control over her fate was really hard. I also find it hard to believe that there's absolutely nothing that I can do to help with her depression. I know that what I can do is limited but really, nothing?
I had not considered moving out as a way to help her depression so she can stop blaming me and focus on herself. Interesting. The thing is, she identified our 3 yo son as the main trigger for her depression (not the sole factor of course). I'm also to blame for it probably. But moving out would leave her alone with the biggest stressors in her life right now, the kids. I'm not sure how much help that would be. In fact, I'm afraid that things might get worse. She's already at her breaking points with the kids and she gets more and more physical with them when she's angry. I wouldn't call it violence just yet but there's an escalation.
So far, here's my short list of actionable items:
- Be validating as opposed to invalidating
- Compliment her much more often
- Focus on me more. Now sure how yet, I'll read a book. I just started reading "Loving someone with BPD" but I'm a slow reader. I prefer to interact on forums like this and read short articles but at some point I need to invest time in a book.
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Hope12345
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Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #10 on:
October 14, 2015, 04:28:56 AM »
Quote from: TooRational on October 13, 2015, 11:16:37 PM
You say that accepting that you had no control over her fate was really hard. I also find it hard to believe that there's absolutely nothing that I can do to help with her depression. I know that what I can do is limited but really, nothing?
IMO, no. I can only speak to my situation at the time, but any attempts to "help" came off as controlling and fueled her resentment towards me. It also just continues the caretaking cycle. Keep your kids safe... .keep yourself safe. Going back to what Notwendy wrote, you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and your children.
Quote from: TooRational on October 13, 2015, 11:16:37 PM
I had not considered moving out as a way to help her depression so she can stop blaming me and focus on herself. Interesting. The thing is, she identified our 3 yo son as the main trigger for her depression (not the sole factor of course). I'm also to blame for it probably. But moving out would leave her alone with the biggest stressors in her life right now, the kids. I'm not sure how much help that would be. In fact, I'm afraid that things might get worse. She's already at her breaking points with the kids and she gets more and more physical with them when she's angry. I wouldn't call it violence just yet but there's an escalation.
I am not suggesting you move out. It appeared to be the catalyst for my wife but it was probably more of a combination of things for her, including timing. I know if I had moved out years prior when I discovered the first affair, she would have continued her self destructing behavior and we would have divorced. She was not ready to take the steps towards improvement then. You can detach from your caretaking role and focus on you without moving out. Considering the age of your children, moving out may not be the best thing for you. If you do choose this route, consult with an attorney first.
Most importantly, this is not about her... .its about you. I did not move out to help my wife. If you choose to leave, don't do it to help her. This is that caretaking mindset again. I moved out to help me. I moved out to help my son. I detached and left her to be responsible for her own fate.
Quote from: TooRational on October 13, 2015, 11:16:37 PM
So far, here's my short list of actionable items:
- Be validating as opposed to invalidating
- Compliment her much more often
- Focus on me more. Now sure how yet, I'll read a book. I just started reading "Loving someone with BPD" but I'm a slow reader. I prefer to interact on forums like this and read short articles but at some point I need to invest time in a book.
I am a slow reader too. Honestly, I hate reading and found audiobooks to be more helpful since I can listen while I run, bike, kayak, drive, etc. I started with Codependent No More and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me since both are available in audio format. Just a thought. I started reading Loving Someone with BPD a couple times but reading for me is, like you, a slow process. Never quite finished it. Also just my opinion, but suggest, based on what you have shared, you look at the book babyducks referenced. Getting yourself out of the caretaker mindset is imperative.
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TooRational
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married but separated
Posts: 74
Re: Depressed, cheating and possibly BPD wife
«
Reply #11 on:
October 14, 2015, 07:52:50 AM »
Thanks again Hope12345, all very helpful stuff. I hear you, it's going to be hard to accept that I can't help her. I still need to be convinced of that but I'm guessing reading more will help.
You're right that I need to start taking care of myself and the children first. But for the sake of my children, a happy relationship with my wife is best, or at least I think it is. Which is why I kinda feel that it's still worth it to work on our relationship. I understand that this behavior is alike to co-dependency in a way but I'm not sure what else to do at this point.
About reading, it takes me long to read books mostly because I lack the time or dedication to read. Great idea about audio books. I already listen to lots of podcasts but an actual audio book is probably the best thing right now. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist suggested by babyducks seems like very good but alas doesn't seem to be available in audiobook format. I might give the text-to-speech feature of Kindle a try.
Now reading back babyducks's response, she also says that I can't help my wife's depression. Notwendy probably said it as well. I have to start trusting you guys
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