Newbie - Hi

[indifferent]

Hi Everyone,

I'm so glad I found a sanctuary for the emotionally abused.  I'm reading all these stories and it breaks my heart yet is comforting to know that we're not alone (my brother and I0.

I hope some of you may be able to offer me advice and even just encouraging words.

Sending blessings to you all!

[indifferent]

I hope it's okay that I'm telling my story so long?  I would just appreciate advice and comments from people that have experience with this.

I'm in my 30's, happily married and no kids.  Unfortunately for me, I'm unable to completely limit contact with my mother, who is a BPD sufferer (not diagnosed but I've read 100s of articles and feel confident in my conclusion - she will also never see a psychologist because there's nothing wrong with her - her words), because we have a family business and I do not wish to leave as my parents are planning to retire within the next few years.

My brother and I have suffered tremendously, if only it had stopped as children, but unfortunately it has followed us into adulthood.  Our family has always had a very volatile atmosphere, not always physically, but my memories from childhood consists of fights (yelling, shouting, cursing) even family coming to the house to calm things down, silent treatment (sometimes weeks on end) then more fighting and then peace.  Walking on eggshells and feeling anxious because you know that happy times are short lived.  My mom was always the one giving silent treatment not only to my dad but to everyone, locking herself up in a room, not making food for us.  Her mood was always up and down.  She would make a scene in shops if the cashier didn't do something the way she wanted, or making her wait, which is really embarrassing.  We also constantly heard accusations that my dad is cheating, which is so not true he is actually a saint, she would say really horrible names a childs ears should never hear.

Even as adults, she is very controlling of our lives.  Before I worked here, if you don't phone or message her daily, you would get messages asking us why we're not talking to her, or if we don't see them once a week why are we avoiding them.  Family holidays are planned by her and you don't dare decline going, otherwise you'll feel the wrath of her.  I never made close friendships with women, I always wonder why, yes, I had a lot of friends but I never got close to anyone.  At one point I hated women, I know it's wrong but I would look at other women asking myself don't you feel ashamed being a women, as I did at times.  I think it may be because the person who was supposed to be a womanly role model (mother) was such a horrible role model, but of course I could be wrong, that's just my analysis.

The thing is, I could forgive my mother if this stopped years ago, you know?  I know no one is perfect, but the fact that she cannot acknowledge or even accept the things she does, it's just not okay, and she keeps being the same and doing the same things over and over.

My brother about 4 years ago had a panic attack and was diagnosed with depression.  The attack happened after he and my mother had a fight about washing power, so insignificant.  He is on meds and have been told it will be lifelong.  It broke my heart to see him go through that.  My mom's dog also had a fit during the fight.  To this day, she will not acknowledge her part in my brother now suffering the rest of his life.  I do get anxious, but I've said that I won't allow her to change me, and I try my best to wake up everyday, be happy and appreciative.  It's not always easy.

My mother and I during the time I've worked here, have had fights.  It's virtually impossible to resolve anything with her, you cannot discuss or talk about it, she screams, becomes volatile and usually flees the room.  There's a lot of built up anger and resentment.  I've become a very hard person, I rarely show emotion in front of just anyone, but people close to me see me cry a lot.  I don't want her to know that she hurts me you know?  She calls me mean and insensitive, but in fact I'm the polar opposite in front of her.  She also doesn't really know me, she knows me superficially but not my heart and soul.

Last week we decided to have a family meeting to discuss work and personal.  We all got a chance to voice our concerns and issues, we've never in all these years had a family meeting, we've never felt a sense of trust to come forward and discuss the issues, so although we've spent a huge time together doing fun things, there have always been underlying tension and anger.  Anyway, we talked about how she behaves at work (yelling, throwing things around like the phone, swearing etc.) she jumps up.  Yells at us that she is going to leave (she did this about 3 times but always came back).  She says she does so much for us, she's a good person, we never see the good she does (why is she even saying that, it has nothing to do with the issues at hand)?  She proceeds to fold her arms and nod her head very childishly as we speak.  She says she's changed but no one saw it so she became a b___ again (sorry but you don't genuinely change just to go back again).  My brother said to her she's always fighting, then not talking, he showed a typed piece of paper with the typing at the back and says to her she's like this piece of paper, one way in front of people and different behind their backs. 

Then she jumps up and says to my brother, I apologize for all I've done, then goes down the line.  It wasn't a genuine apology, it was very aggressive.  During this whole time the family is very calm and talking maturely, except for her.  She's crying and jumping up and down.  Honestly, it baffles me that an adult can behave that way.  She's very manipulative, my dad obviously tried calming her down and said we accept the apology and whoever doesn't he will hold a grudge against them.  She's very good at doing something for show.  We also said how she's insensitive towards my husband and I, we've had many years of infertility.  She would send me pictures of babies of people she used to work with that I've never met!  She proceeds to cry, telling me my pain is hers (yes of course my infertility is her infertility because it brings attention to her).  She tells me after I was upset about a cousin who announced their pregnancy on FB before telling me, that she emailed the whole family to ask them to tell me beforehand.  Excuse me, she makes me out to be this poor fragile sensitive being, which I'm not and I don't appreciate her doing something on my behalf which I don't want.  She missed the point, it hurts when people close to you don't consider your feelings, not just any family member.  We ended up not even talking about 5% of what we wanted to, because she behaved so crazy and we just needed to calm things down.  My dad said let's pray together, and she stormed off saying she's not praying with us.

We've blamed my dad in many ways, because he should stand up to her more, he allows her to behave this way.  But I understand she may be the aggressor in the family, and he is a very soft and kind person.

Since then, she's removed family pictures at the office.  She's ignoring my brother and I, apart from saying morning and bye. I feel like she's trying to punish us for daring to voice our feelings!  I'm sorry, but it's come to a point where we've thought of her for 30+ years, why should we continue to be unhappy to accommodate her? 

The thing is, how should I now behave?  What's the correct thing to do when she ignores us?  I've now said that I'm going to start putting up boundaries with her, realizing she is never going to change.  Where and how do I start putting up healthy boundaries?  For example, this December I want to go away with just my husband and my brother, what's the right way to now implement a new change to what it's been about my whole life?

Thanks if you got this far!  I truly appreciate any help and assistance!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi indifferent, 

Welcome aboard! You have come to the right place for support and advice.

I am sorry that you had to endure such a tumultuous childhood.   It is incredibly hard when your own parent is volatile and abusive. It is even more baffling when a parent acts like a child. 

Setting boundaries is a great start. When you are raised in a situation where you were taught to obey mom's every wish, there is a tendency to comply to her every wish in fear of her becoming hostile.  It is very common for a parent who suffers from BPD to chastise you for expressing your own opinions and feelings. After a long time of accommodation, you get to a point where you just want to be able to speak freely. You are on the right track for recognizing and working through this. You are absolutely correct, you cannot change your mother

When a person with BPD (pwBPD) is dysregulating or unable to control their emotions, conversations tend to be moot.  When my mother is dysregulating and hostile, I do not speak to her. I tell her that I am unwilling to discuss anything when she is so volatile.  Then I hang up the phone. Engaging in a conversation when a pwBPD is dysregulating, adds fuel to the fire so to speak.

Like your mother, my mother calls me daily and gets upset if I am busy and do not want to speak to her.  I started setting boundaries with the daily phone calls. It is a slow process to start enforcing boundaries with someone who I never was able to have boundaries. I started small with the phone calls. Change takes time. I would suggest doing it with small steps. 

The silent treatment is really tough to cope with.   What have you typically done when your mother has ignored you?

[indifferent]

Thank you very much for responding, it means a great deal!

That's exactly what it is, I've catered to her for so long in fear of her wrath, but one gets to a point in life where you're unable to just be a bystander.

Thanks for telling me a bit about yourself, glad to know I'm not alone, and you're right, small steps!

I think I'd take anger anytime over silent treatment, out of everything that has been the worst thing to deal with.  In the past I've begged, apologized and tried to make it right, with no success and I end up having resentment over it, feeling as if I'm worth less than her.  What I do now is greet her, sometimes I'll try to engage her in conversation which she ignores, so I just leave her to wallow in it because no matter what I do, she'll ignore me until she sees fit.

Also, she's ignored us for the past few days as per my previous post, so I've greeted her but that's it.  This afternoon she asked me why I'm cutting her out? So I said I'm not, she's ignoring us. She tells me well I decided not to talk to you because I don't want to upset you.  So she's just turned around making us look evil and her look like the victim, most likely cause she sees it doesn't have an effect on us when she's ignoring us.

It leaves us baffled how she creates situations then turns on us and makes us look like we started it or we've ignored her although it's the opposite!

I'm not sure what my next plan of action should be? All I know is I'm not just going to sit and let her get away with it. I'm sick of feeling stressed and unhappy because Of her.

[EaglesJuju]

 

I think I'd take anger anytime over silent treatment, out of everything that has been the worst thing to deal with.  In the past I've begged, apologized and tried to make it right, with no success and I end up having resentment over it, feeling as if I'm worth less than her.  What I do now is greet her, sometimes I'll try to engage her in conversation which she ignores, so I just leave her to wallow in it because no matter what I do, she'll ignore me until she sees fit.

I would prefer raging instead of the silent treatment too. At least when someone is angry and projecting, they are saying something. The silent treatment is my Achilles Heel as well. It does make you feel like you are not important or do not have a voice.  I apologized for being the recipient of the silent treatment many times. As you said, the best thing to do is if someone is using the silent treatment as a form of punishment, is to let them wallow in silence. I learned to not reward my mother's bad behavior.  When I would apologize and beg for her to talk to me, I was essentially reinforcing that I did not mind the silent treatment and it was okay for her to continue. 

Also, she's ignored us for the past few days as per my previous post, so I've greeted her but that's it.  This afternoon she asked me why I'm cutting her out? So I said I'm not, she's ignoring us. She tells me well I decided not to talk to you because I don't want to upset you.  So she's just turned around making us look evil and her look like the victim, most likely cause she sees it doesn't have an effect on us when she's ignoring us.

Isn't that really frustrating!  My mother is a sufferer of the martyr syndrome, she sacrifices so much for her children and we are unappreciative jerks. It is really common for pwBPD to shift blame to another person. It is a learned coping mechanism. 

It leaves us baffled how she creates situations then turns on us and makes us look like we started it or we've ignored her although it's the opposite!

PwBPD tend to base reality of their ever changing emotions. Many times a pwBPD will perceive something completely different than most people would.

I'm not sure what my next plan of action should be? All I know is I'm not just going to sit and let her get away with it. I'm sick of feeling stressed and unhappy because Of her.

I understand the affect of your mother's behavior. It is really tough. Learning to depersonalize her behavior helps. I struggle with it myself, since I have been experiencing her erratic behavior for the majority of my life. When I can depersonalize the behavior, I find that I have less stress and anxiety. I have a tendency to blame myself for her behavior, which is something that was embedded at an early age. It is hard, but I am learning that her behavior is not my fault. Your mother's behavior is not your fault. Her behavior is a result of a mental illness. It was tough for me to put myself first for once. The first time I thought of myself first, it felt foreign and strange. The more I put my own needs first, I ended up feeling unaffected by a large portion of her behavior. Is this similar for you?

[indifferent]

I would prefer raging instead of the silent treatment too. At least when someone is angry and projecting, they are saying something. The silent treatment is my Achilles Heel as well. It does make you feel like you are not important or do not have a voice.  I apologized for being the recipient of the silent treatment many times. As you said, the best thing to do is if someone is using the silent treatment as a form of punishment, is to let them wallow in silence. I learned to not reward my mother's bad behavior.  When I would apologize and beg for her to talk to me, I was essentially reinforcing that I did not mind the silent treatment and it was okay for her to continue.

 

I hope I'm quoting these correctly but I have a feeling I'm not.  I just wanted to say thank you for your input so far.  I truly appreciate it and although a small act it does make me feel slightly better knowing I'm not alone!

I absolutely agree, I don't think I ever realized that by groveling, apologizing and trying to be nice I was enabling her.  And now that I've reached a point where I said no more, she's 10 times worse, which to be frank I didn't think it was possible.

Isn't that really frustrating!  My mother is a sufferer of the martyr syndrome, she sacrifices so much for her children and we are unappreciative jerks. It is really common for pwBPD to shift blame to another person. It is a learned coping mechanism.

Oh goodness haha I thought it was just mine.  Obviously when you discuss or say when you do this or that that hurts me, it doesn't take away the good things you do.  It doesn't make you a bad person it means you have bad habits, big difference.

PwBPD tend to base reality of their ever changing emotions. Many times a pwBPD will perceive something completely different than most people would.

I'm glad to know, I figured that out, that they don't perceive situations the same.  I understand people communicate differently, but when someone takes it to a whole different level it's really confusing.

I understand the affect of your mother's behavior. It is really tough. Learning to depersonalize her behavior helps. I struggle with it myself, since I have been experiencing her erratic behavior for the majority of my life. When I can depersonalize the behavior, I find that I have less stress and anxiety. I have a tendency to blame myself for her behavior, which is something that was embedded at an early age. It is hard, but I am learning that her behavior is not my fault. Your mother's behavior is not your fault. Her behavior is a result of a mental illness. It was tough for me to put myself first for once. The first time I thought of myself first, it felt foreign and strange. The more I put my own needs first, I ended up feeling unaffected by a large portion of her behavior. Is this similar for you?

It really is tough, I feel like my whole life my emotions have been very attached my my mothers.  So if she's unhappy, I'm unhappy, if she's happy, I'm happy.  I've never understood why but I feel like she projected her emotions on me.  Especially as a child even teenager, constantly worrying what you did wrong, walking on eggshells, never knowing if you did something to upset her, so constantly just creating a very anxious environment.  Even when things were good and peaceful, you knew it's not going to last forever.

That's what I'm trying to do, is to depersonalize her behaviour, but it's not easy.  I absolutely blamed myself for a long time too!  I will have to memorize that and repeat it constantly.  I also read an article that said that their mental behaviour is like how a 5 year old would behave, I keep reminding myself of that.

What exactly is a smear campaign?  My cousin asked me what's going on, now bear in mind, my brother and I have kept this between us, direct family.  Apparently she's been putting up statuses on social media like "if your kids have never hated you you're not a mother" and all kinds of silly things.  How childish.  We won't do things like that, she makes us look like bad kids to people so I sent my dad an sms to ask her to not do it, it's not fair.

So yet again, another day of silent treatment and I know she hates my guts.

Thanks for listening (reading) hehe, may you be blessed!

[EaglesJuju]

I absolutely agree, I don't think I ever realized that by groveling, apologizing and trying to be nice I was enabling her.  And now that I've reached a point where I said no more, she's 10 times worse, which to be frank I didn't think it was possible.[/b]

I forgot to mention that. Once you start enforcing boundaries and stop reinforcing behavior that you have always done, that behavior will initially increase. That is what is called extinction or a behavioral burst. If the reinforcement remains stopped then the behavior will decrease over time.  The key is not give in and reinforce the behavior again.

PwBPD tend to base reality of their ever changing emotions. Many times a pwBPD will perceive something completely different than most people would.

I'm glad to know, I figured that out, that they don't perceive situations the same.  I understand people communicate differently, but when someone takes it to a whole different level it's really confusing.

It is absolutely confusing. The unstable nature of BPD makes you feel on edge at times. You become accustomed to the dramatic shift in emotions.

My mother will tell a me about something from my childhood. Her description of a situation is completely different from what actually transpired. My mother has been physically abusive to me. She cannot remember the times where she was abusive or did some traumatic things. She misconstrues reality quite often, telling me that I said or did something, which never happened.

It really is tough, I feel like my whole life my emotions have been very attached my my mothers.  So if she's unhappy, I'm unhappy, if she's happy, I'm happy.  I've never understood why but I feel like she projected her emotions on me.  Especially as a child even teenager, constantly worrying what you did wrong, walking on eggshells, never knowing if you did something to upset her, so constantly just creating a very anxious environment.  Even when things were good and peaceful, you knew it's not going to last forever.

For many children of parents who suffer from BPD, it is common for us to react to their emotions. We become enmeshed essentially. When mom is sad, we feel sad. This is what we are taught a young age. You also learn quickly that calmness is short lived. I have had horrible anxiety my entire life. You are always waiting for something to happen, usually something negative. History has shown me that.

That's what I'm trying to do, is to depersonalize her behaviour, but it's not easy.  I absolutely blamed myself for a long time too!  I will have to memorize that and repeat it constantly.  I also read an article that said that their mental behaviour is like how a 5 year old would behave, I keep reminding myself of that.

It really is. My mother had a temper tantrum the other week, because I did not appease her. It reminded me of the behavior of my three-year-old niece.

What exactly is a smear campaign?  My cousin asked me what's going on, now bear in mind, my brother and I have kept this between us, direct family.  Apparently she's been putting up statuses on social media like "if your kids have never hated you you're not a mother" and all kinds of silly things.  How childish.  We won't do things like that, she makes us look like bad kids to people so I sent my dad an sms to ask her to not do it, it's not fair.

So yet again, another day of silent treatment and I know she hates my guts.

Thanks for listening (reading) hehe, may you be blessed![/b]

A smear campaign is when someone talks badly about you to others and basically tries to get others to think you are bad etc. It is a form of projection and not taking responsibility for their own behavior.

That is really passive-aggressive to put up statuses like that. As much as it hurts, as you said before, this is the behavior of someone who is emotionally immature. I do think of my mother as a child quite often, that helps me radically accept her disorders.

Are there ever times where your mother paints you white or treats you like you are the greatest thing ever?

[indifferent]

I forgot to mention that. Once you start enforcing boundaries and stop reinforcing behavior that you have always done, that behavior will initially increase. That is what is called extinction or a behavioral burst. If the reinforcement remains stopped then the behavior will decrease over time.  The key is not give in and reinforce the behavior again.

That's precisely what I'm experiencing now.  I've never stood up to her like this which is kind of crazy considering I'm 34 but it's just not in my personality to behave this way you know (I know surprising one would thing growing up like this you'd end up the same but it's not true), normally I would've tried chatting to her and just being nice, but this time I'm not.  And she's not taking to it kindly, still giving me the silent treatment and I feel her eyes on me hating my guts.  But I won't back down, I've not come this far just to go back to square one.

It is absolutely confusing. The unstable nature of BPD makes you feel on edge at times. You become accustomed to the dramatic shift in emotions.

My mother will tell a me about something from my childhood. Her description of a situation is completely different from what actually transpired. My mother has been physically abusive to me. She cannot remember the times where she was abusive or did some traumatic things. She misconstrues reality quite often, telling me that I said or did something, which never happened.

I'm very sorry to hear that your mother was physically abusive that's horrible!  I think it's very common for them to deny incidents.  My mother have blatantly lied in front of me and my sister and law, and then she still denies saying certain things.  They're very good at changing events or incidents to suit them, and also good at being convincing at it, quite scary.

For many children of parents who suffer from BPD, it is common for us to react to their emotions. We become enmeshed essentially. When mom is sad, we feel sad. This is what we are taught a young age. You also learn quickly that calmness is short lived. I have had horrible anxiety my entire life. You are always waiting for something to happen, usually something negative. History has shown me that.

I'm very sorry to hear that you've had anxiety!  My brother had a panic attack and he suffers from anxiety too and will be on lifelong meds, I've been lucky.  I do experience anxiety but it's very mild, health issues normally trigger mine.  If I get sick I sometimes can't sleep thinking I'm going to die but it's not an everyday thing.  Absolutely, life isn't cotton candy and flowers, it's more like a horror movie with peaceful times but knowing terror is always around the corner.

A smear campaign is when someone talks badly about you to others and basically tries to get others to think you are bad etc. It is a form of projection and not taking responsibility for their own behavior.

That is really passive-aggressive to put up statuses like that. As much as it hurts, as you said before, this is the behavior of someone who is emotionally immature. I do think of my mother as a child quite often, that helps me radically accept her disorders.

Are there ever times where your mother paints you white or treats you like you are the greatest thing ever?[/quote]
I think that's exactly what she's done to me.  Although she's given us the silent treatment which everyone could see from last week, now I feel like everything is my fault.  She is super loving and nice to my dad, and he revels in it likely happy that he's not on the receiving end of it.  She's nice to everyone at the office, even her sisters whom she has done the same too.  And they're all so happy.  But I won't cave in, although I show no emotion at work I have a good ole cry when I get home everyday.  I feel very isolated and bullied at work, because she's being so nice that people obviously look at me as being the evil one.  But it's just a matter of time when they'll feel the wrath of her again anyway, that's my consolation.

Very immature, she updated her one status to I know I'm a b___ and I like it.

So classless and it's not really something to be proud of.

I just wanted to thank you again for me being able to relate to you and your story.  I sometimes feel like I'm the wrong one, that I've done something, but I know that is decades of going through this that has made me think that way.

My husband sometimes looks at me and says I can't believe you're such a normal human being coming from that background haha, if you know me and you don't know my history you would never expect that I go through or have gone through it, because I'm just really "normal" if that's even a thing.

[indifferent]

Are there ever times where your mother paints you white or treats you like you are the greatest thing ever?

Sorry I missed this section.  Absolutely!  Someone once told me my mother brags about me all the time, but only if I behave and look the way she wants me to.  For example, I used to have really long hair and last year I cut it off into a bob and donated my ponytail to cansa.  She told me she doesn't like my hair, and that only long hair is beautiful.  And also when she's in a good mood she'll def treat me like I'm the best thing ever!