How many conversations do you have in your head with the ExwBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I swear its almost hourly with me. Its always the same conversation. I ask why, I tell her how much this hurt me. How disappointed I am that she never bothered to see how I was. How she was a "Action not words person" and there was no action. It gets easier each day but these conversations are so often. Lots of times I talk to my dog and tell him what happened and how I am doing and that I know he misses her too. I can't be alone in doing this... .I hope?

[toddinrochester]

I swear its almost hourly with me. Its always the same conversation. I ask why, I tell her how much this hurt me. How disappointed I am that she never bothered to see how I was. How she was a "Action not words person" and there was no action. It gets easier each day but these conversations are so often. Lots of times I talk to my dog and tell him what happened and how I am doing and that I know he misses her too. I can't be alone in doing this... .I hope?

[Fr4nz]

I swear its almost hourly with me. Its always the same conversation. I ask why, I tell her how much this hurt me. How disappointed I am that she never bothered to see how I was. How she was a "Action not words person" and there was no action. It gets easier each day but these conversations are so often. Lots of times I talk to my dog and tell him what happened and how I am doing and that I know he misses her too. I can't be alone in doing this... .I hope?

7+ months of NC, still happens to me sometimes. It's normal

[Invictus01]

It goes away eventually. Not completely, but not to the extend it is right after the relationship ended.

[Stolen]

I struggle to stop this, but it often rears its ugly head at 1-2 in the morning when I lay awake. My questions are simple:

How could you?

Did you ever think what this would do to the children?

Why were you never able to speak a word of truth?

How do you live with yourself?


I often say this: if you were mugged by a drug addict, you would hate that person for what they did. But in a perverse way, you could understand "why" they did what they did.  With the disordered hurting the ones who loved them, that is just so much harder to come to grips with.  

[problemsolver]

Yeah... I replay conversation's in my head or out loud... Wishing I could of said or done something different.

[hopealways]

I write a journal every day. Even a paragraph or a few lines, but I still write. It helps me a lot. But when I go back and read my thoughts it saddens me that one person can have so much effect over me.  But the reality is it wasn't they who had the control over me, it was my lack of control over myself because of deep core wounding I have had which drew me to her in the first place.

[myself]

Just as there are many common details on the BPD side of this, there are similar shared experiences on 'our' side. You're not alone in this. Much of what you wrote I could have said, at one time or another, word for word. Realizing the conversation is really with ourselves, while working through it.

[Suspicious1]

Thankfully not anymore, but goodness I used to do this a LOT. This and writing letters to him that I never sent.

[Stolen]

Agreed regarding "our side".  Expecting the BPD to change was most often hopeless.  We were the ones who had to change, by having boundaries that would have protected us.  I have read elsewhere that a BPD relationship usually lasts 15 months or 15 years. 15 months is when the non has strong boundaries, 5 months of honeymoon, 5 months of What the heck, and 5 months of detangling.  The 15+ years ( ) is for those with ineffective boundaries, perhaps codependent, who accept and write-off BPD-type behavior, hoping to save the BPD, or just too afraid to leave the known and face the unknown.  Then these relationships usually are ended by the BPD, when you have failed just too many times to fix their unhappiness. 

[hergestridge]

I have basically no such conversations now. Part of what made detaching from my BPDexwife so easy was the realization that conversations with her were pointless, dysfunctional and one-way. When we separated I went semi-NC and kept our restricted my contact with her to text messages. As soon as I started doing this much of the emotional charge around our communication was gone and I began began to focus on what she really had to say - and how unresponsive she really was to what I said.

I remember writing her long messages - putting much heart and effort into what I wrote - only to have her respond with unsensetive, crude one-liners that made it perfectly clear that she just wasn't understanding me. This I had been failing to notice for twenty years.

Prior that I had always had a desire to make her understand. I thought that if only I could make her feel what I felt, or get the message across, then the connection would be there.

As we were in the middle of separation it was gradually dawning on me (as it had been doing for some time that

a/ I had been overestimating the impact that me "connecting" or "getting my message" across would have on my relationships with other people and that

b/ my soon to be exwife was the last person in the world that would ever "get the message" because she was in fact handicapped in that particular area

Fail!

Now I use a lot of that energy I used to put into imaginary conversations into actual conversations. To own surprise actually because I used to think of myself and quite introverted.

I can remember a having several of those relationships when I grew up. Having people around who I felt just wouldn't listen. If only I could tell them this or that. It's not working out but I think that if only I'm good enought I can crack their shell and they will understand.

Fail! Leave them alone.

[parisian]

We have those conversations because we are trying to 'make sense' of what happened to us, why did our ex treat us like that/do what they did. But the type of answers we are looking for cannot be found in the questions we are asking ourselves.

We ask reasonable questions looking for reasonable answers. We ask questions about logic or rational issues, about love or empathy or care, or all the good values we have, and wonder why the other person does not share these?

We turn ourselves inside out for months, struggling with massive pain and upset wanting to know and asking ourselves why the did this to us. The answer is simply BPD. The answer is that none of anything our significant others did to use will make sense, or be able to be explained rationally, nor reasonably nor from a place of love, care or respect.

Once we stop looking for rational or logical or reasonable answers, accepting there are none of these, that the answer simply is our exes were disordered and were acting from extreme pain and fear and their reactions/actions/responses to us actually have nothing to do with us, we can then start to let go of some of the pain.

The answers to why they did what they did to us was all because they have a disorder.

[toddinrochester]

Par, I can read that and understand it and it makes sense. I can't feel it in my heart. I try. I just can't feel it, there is still this longing to know. I hope it fades.

[parisian]

Par, I can read that and understand it and it makes sense. I can't feel it in my heart. I try. I just can't feel it, there is still this longing to know. I hope it fades.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Every one of us on here has felt or is feeling the same. Try shifting things from your heart to your head. When you ask yourself those questions, maybe answer your own question with: 'because she is ill'. Until we accept that answer we will continue to struggle and be upset by thise questions. It is the paradigm in which we are thinking because we expect our exes to be a normal person, capable of normal love and values when they simply are not. I hope you can get some peace soon x

[Fr4nz]

Agreed regarding "our side".  Expecting the BPD to change was most often hopeless.  We were the ones who had to change, by having boundaries that would have protected us.  I have read elsewhere that a BPD relationship usually lasts 15 months or 15 years. 15 months is when the non has strong boundaries, 5 months of honeymoon, 5 months of What the heck, and 5 months of detangling.  The 15+ years ( ) is for those with ineffective boundaries, perhaps codependent, who accept and write-off BPD-type behavior, hoping to save the BPD, or just too afraid to leave the known and face the unknown.  Then these relationships usually are ended by the BPD, when you have failed just too many times to fix their unhappiness. 

If I remember correctly, it was 18 months (like in my case :D).

Anyway, I think the average duration is far less than 18 months... .in many cases r/ss with BPDs may end after the idealization phase (i.e., 6 months on average).

[Mr Hollande]

I played various conversations over and over in my head until I'd boiled them down to the coldest most laconic response. Turned out useful on the few occasions I spoke to her over the phone. Short, cold, hostile (but restrained enough to not reveal too much emotion), dismissive and disregarding. Like Hergestridge says, conversations with the ex are pointless anyway so I decided I'm better off keeping it like that.

It's part of ruminating which is processing and a primordial step to recovery. That is a good thing. The conversations will decrease with time. 18 months removed my conversations rarely go further than a deadpan "go away!".

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Agreed regarding "our side".  Expecting the BPD to change was most often hopeless.  We were the ones who had to change, by having boundaries that would have protected us.  I have read elsewhere that a BPD relationship usually lasts 15 months or 15 years. 15 months is when the non has strong boundaries, 5 months of honeymoon, 5 months of What the heck, and 5 months of detangling.  The 15+ years ( ) is for those with ineffective boundaries, perhaps codependent, who accept and write-off BPD-type behavior, hoping to save the BPD, or just too afraid to leave the known and face the unknown.  Then these relationships usually are ended by the BPD, when you have failed just too many times to fix their unhappiness.  

WOW!   What a nice shift in perspective you just gave me,  Stolen.   THANK YOU!  I've been beating myself up for staying 8 months so hearing 15 months is average makes me actually appreciate myself.   Now,  we didn't have 5 months of honeymoon (did we even have 5 days?) by any means;  instead,  he laid a trap for me,  I walked in it with a big smile on my face,  and then he used it (I let him b/c I felt so complicit) to keep me in place.  For 7.5 months,  I was his "b*tch"  (and benefactor) but by God,   I got out.   Getting out has been hell (lots of stalking), but I am now holding my head higher thanks to your post.  

[Fr4nz]

Agreed regarding "our side".  Expecting the BPD to change was most often hopeless.  We were the ones who had to change, by having boundaries that would have protected us.  I have read elsewhere that a BPD relationship usually lasts 15 months or 15 years. 15 months is when the non has strong boundaries, 5 months of honeymoon, 5 months of What the heck, and 5 months of detangling.  The 15+ years ( ) is for those with ineffective boundaries, perhaps codependent, who accept and write-off BPD-type behavior, hoping to save the BPD, or just too afraid to leave the known and face the unknown.  Then these relationships usually are ended by the BPD, when you have failed just too many times to fix their unhappiness.  

WOW!   What a nice shift in perspective you just gave me,  Stolen.   THANK YOU!  I've been beating myself up for staying 8 months so hearing 15 months is average makes me actually appreciate myself.   Now,  we didn't have 5 months of honeymoon (did we even have 5 days?) by any means;  instead,  he laid a trap for me,  I walked in it with a big smile on my face,  and then he used it (I let him b/c I felt so complicit) to keep me in place.  For 7.5 months,  I was his "b*tch"  (and benefactor) but by God,   I got out.   Getting out has been hell (lots of stalking), but I am now holding my head higher thanks to your post.  

Actually, if you stayed only for 8 months - and you were the one leaving - this means you have very sane and strong boundaries!

Hats off for you, Reclaiming! 

[Michelle27]

Agreed regarding "our side".  Expecting the BPD to change was most often hopeless.  We were the ones who had to change, by having boundaries that would have protected us.  I have read elsewhere that a BPD relationship usually lasts 15 months or 15 years. 15 months is when the non has strong boundaries, 5 months of honeymoon, 5 months of What the heck, and 5 months of detangling.  The 15+ years ( ) is for those with ineffective boundaries, perhaps codependent, who accept and write-off BPD-type behavior, hoping to save the BPD, or just too afraid to leave the known and face the unknown.  Then these relationships usually are ended by the BPD, when you have failed just too many times to fix their unhappiness. 

Ugh.  I lasted 15 years almost exactly until we first separated into a therapeutic separation.  Yes, looking back, I know my boundaries were weak or nonexistent.  It was a boundary crossing that initiated our separation finally after 6 month of hard work on myself including therapy. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Actually, if you stayed only for 8 months - and you were the one leaving - this means you have very sane and strong boundaries!

Hats off for you, Reclaiming! 

WOW again and thank you,  Fr4nz!  I have felt so ashamed.   But now I feel so affirmed.   I needed that.   This is already letting me have  a different conversation with myself.   THANK YOU!