Apparently my birthday is a burden

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all,

So my sister DBPD/Schizoaffective (we are NC), but I strongly feel that my Mom is UBPD and my Dad is enmeshed.  They were really bad when I was growing up, just two very miserable people.  My BPDsis and my Brother are 8 & 5 years older than me so when I was a teenager it was just me living with my parents and they really seemed to have no time for me, or just didn't want to bother with me.

When I moved out and eventually got married things were weird like they felt I didn't love them anymore, even though they didn't bother with me when I lived there.  Then I eventually had my DDs who are now 10 & 12.  When they were babies my parents were great doting grandparents and I thought how wonderful it was that they changed.  Well, now that my DDs are older they are reverting to their old miserable self's again, trying to make me and them feel guilty because they are getting older now and maybe don't want to hang out with Grandma and Papa anymore.  It doesn't help that all my parents do is yell at each other and them when they are around.

They're miserable attitudes have been getting worse and worse for a year now.  My DDs used to beg me to go to their house to spend the night and now they dread going there.  Because of this, my parents got a puppy to try to tempt them (which is completely ridiculous because they just got rid of their last dog that they had for a year because she was too much work, this really upset all of us).

Anyway, the puppy is not enough of a temptation for my girls to want to spend the night there, and honestly I don't really want them around all of that yelling.

So, it was my birthday last month and my Mom asked when would be good for us to come down to have my birthday dinner.  Mind you I did not ask for this, she called me and offered.  Yesterday was the birthday dinner with me, my DH and our DDs, my brother, his wife and their son.  My brother, my DH and my sister-in-laws bdays are all in November/December so we typically all go out to bring the kids to see Santa and then go to dinner to celebrate their bdays.  My mother has always been incredibly lazy and feels that her opinions are all that matter one year decided that she wanted to make everyone's birthdays in July (to make it easier on her).  We were all like, WTH and shot that down. 

At my bday dinner yesterday she informed me that this was my last separate bday and from now on I am going to be looped with all of the other bdays.  I'm 39 years old, I'm not having my mother tell me how to celebrate my bday.  I told her no, my bday is in September.  At this she says "Well then you are just going to have to plan it on your own and have it at someone elses house!"  This was right at the dinner table with the whole family.  Again, I never asked her to do a damn thing.  Also, I wonder what my DDs thought of all of this.  I don't ever treat them like their a burden and they have certainly started to notice that Grandma is not the nice person they once thought that she was. 

I guess I'm just disgusted with her behavior and I honestly just don't want to be around her. After dinner my DH was doing something outside when my sister-in-law said "Let's do cake." I was like ok, let me go get my DH.  I go outside to get him, we come back in and my sister-in-law and her son and at the table eating cake.  They didn't wait, no candles and song for me! 

Sorry if I'm whining I'm just so sick of having such a messed up family.  A family that when they do something for you they try to make you feel guilty because they put forth the effort.  I will never treat my daughters like that. 

[Panda39]

Hi sisterofBPD,

It's really lousey when someone rains on your parade    I say next year you DH and DDs go out and celebrate your birthday the way you... .yep you the birthday girl   want to celebrate your birthday and leave those party poopers at home.

I just spent the weekend watching this kind of stuff going on with my SO's daughters and their uBPDmom. D19 is no contact with mom and D15 is low contact with mom. D19's birthday was in August and D15's birthday was last month.  Niether daughter wanted to see their mom so they didn't.  Mom has been promising to get D15 a Tablet for several weeks for her birthday and Saturday she calls to say she will be coming by with a Tablet for D19!  :)15 is crushed and once again sent the message that she isn't important, isn't as valued as her sister, isn't loved enough to get the present she asked for.  Then we have D19 for which the Tablet is being used as tool to blackmail her into communicating with her mother again.  

UBPDmom had the karpman triangle going full force... .she is the poor victim, D19 is the persicuter and D14 the rescuer (conduit to D19)  

I do beleive that the family decision is to return the tablet back to their mother... .Thanks but no thanks.

They rarely recieive a nice gift from their mom and when they do it comes with a million strings attached.  So hurtful to the girls.

So I say again on your next birthay you do what you want with who you want and don't let anyone ruin your day.

Panda39

[sisterofbpd]

Thanks Panda39 

It's really lousey when someone rains on your parade  rolleyes  I say next year you DH and DDs go out and celebrate your birthday the way you... .yep you the birthday girl  grin want to celebrate your birthday and leave those party poopers at home.

My Mom and Dad called me yesterday.  They were wondering why I hadn't called  to see how my Dad was since he had minor surgery on his hand (I didn't know about it!).  I had mentioned to my father about my Mom complaining about having my bday dinner and then she gets on the horn.  It seems that when ever I am on the phone with one of them, they put me on speaker so the other can listen in, either covertly (sometimes not mentioning that they are there until 10min into the phone call) or adding their two cents all the while.  Weird huh?  Beyond annoying.  Anyway she was full of denial and saying that I took her the wrong way (I didn't) and how dare I think that of her blah blah blah

I just spent the weekend watching this kind of stuff going on with my SO's daughters and their uBPDmom. D19 is no contact with mom and D15 is low contact with mom. D19's birthday was in August and D15's birthday was last month.  Niether daughter wanted to see their mom so they didn't.  Mom has been promising to get D15 a Tablet for several weeks for her birthday and Saturday she calls to say she will be coming by with a Tablet for D19!  D15 is crushed and once again sent the message that she isn't important, isn't as valued as her sister, isn't loved enough to get the present she asked for.  Then we have D19 for which the Tablet is being used as tool to blackmail her into communicating with her mother again. 

UBPDmom had the karpman triangle going full force... .she is the poor victim, D19 is the persicuter and D14 the rescuer (conduit to D19)  barfy barfy barfy

I do beleive that the family decision is to return the tablet back to their mother... .Thanks but no thanks.

They rarely recieive a nice gift from their mom and when they do it comes with a million strings attached.  So hurtful to the girls.

It's got to be horrible to watch that happen to the girls.  It would be nice to think that some day the mother would regret how she is treating them and the position she is putting them in, but in my own experience they just don't care

So I say again on your next birthay you do what you want with who you want and don't let anyone ruin your day.

I'm totally going to do this.  Honestly, I don't know where I'd be without my DH and our DDs 

[HappyChappy]

For what it’s worth, your mom is bang out of order. But it is standard practice for a BPD to steal your day or mess it up. So to compensate I’ve sent you a cake in the post, maybe I shouldn’t have light the candles before sending it, but it’s the thought that counts. Have two birthday’s, the “whatever mom” July thing and the real thing in September. Don’t invite your mom, she thinks you’re a July baby, she’d only get confused. 

As for your lot listening in on loud speaker, you’re right in the real world that’s weird, by my BPD always listened in covertly on the phone extension. So much so, she refuses to speak on a mobile (we got dad one and it was lost then broken). But NPD/BPD need information in order to manipulate us. They go to great lengths to get that information. Mine would steam open letters go through all our draws, go through the bins (inside and outside the house), the lot.  

Anyway as my Irish friend says feck the lot of them and let’s eat Birthday cake (actually he says dink whisky, but you get the idea). I want you to buy yourself a big present, you deserve it for putting up with your family this long. When you have your big birthday bash, you can let your mom listen in on loud speaker (that's a joke, don't do that bit unless you're out of the country).  

[sisterofbpd]

For what it’s worth, your mom is bang out of order. But it is standard practice for a BPD to steal your day or mess it up. So to compensate I’ve sent you a cake in the post, maybe I shouldn’t have light the candles before sending it, but it’s the thought that counts. Have two birthday’s, the “whatever mom” July thing and the real thing in September. Don’t invite your mom, she thinks you’re a July baby, she’d only get confused.  wink

Thanks HappyChappy 

As for your lot listening in on loud speaker, you’re right in the real world that’s weird, by my BPD always listened in covertly on the phone extension. So much so, she refuses to speak on a mobile (we got dad one and it was lost then broken). But NPD/BPD need information in order to manipulate us. They go to great lengths to get that information. Mine would steam open letters go through all our draws, go through the bins (inside and outside the house), the lot.   rolleyes

Oh yeah, my Mom goes through EVERYTHING!  She's extremely and extremely lazy so sometimes I'm surprised at the effort she puts toward snooping since she is so lazy. LOL