Left reeling after years of calm

[Daisybird]

I’ve been on and off these boards for a long time.  My uBPD mom stopped targeting me for a few years, mostly respected my boundaries, and we were able to have a cordial relationship on my end- but on her end- I was her ‘go to’ person for help of any kind.  I have always been a ‘do-er’, so helping her really never bothered me as long as my boundaries were respected.

I guess I’m back to number one on her target list.  I’m proud to say that this time I’m not having  a full blown panic attack (where I can’t feel my hands and my heart can be heart pounding from across the room).  But I am still reeling.

There was a death in the family, and because when faced with stress, I tend to keep busy in order to keep my mind occupied.  (When things were really bad with uBPDmom- my house was immaculate!)  The day after the services were complete uBPDmom frantically called me to come over to help her with some paperwork.  :)H drove me over to her house and when I got there and began looking through the papers, I realized there was no reason for me to be there.  Her agenda was to attack me.

She said that I was the reason that she stayed in an abusive relationship longer than she should have (he stole her money, emotionally and physically abused her, and filed false claims with police- he was a really horrible person- seriously).  She yelled that my siblings are afraid of me and have never forgiven me for keeping my kids from her (when I set boundaries from abusive relationship guy- he was a danger to my kids- literally- he encouraged them to do things that could hurt or kill them- seriously).  She said that I have been her whole world since I was born and how can I treat her this way (still don’t  know what I did)?  She said that other family members praised her for taking care of deceased family member (actually- deceased took care of her more) and I am horrible for not seeing this.  She said that her doctor told her that she should smoke and drink for 6 months and then cut down (in the past, I have tried to convince her to quit or reduce these habits).  

DH was witness to this whole scene.  Afterwards, he said he was proud of me because I stood my ground, did not give her the response she was looking for, and was fairly calm on the ride home.  I know I handled it well, inside I’m still reeling.   I’m having these moments when I question myself.  Am I really horrible?  :)o I exhibit behaviors similar to hers?  Am I hurting my sons like she has hurt me?  Are my siblings afraid of me because I am really a monster?  I asked my siblings and they said ‘no’ but are they lying to not rock the boat?  

She called the next day, said that deceased wouldn’t want anyone to fight, and then asked for more help with another crisis.  I did help her,  purely self-serving because it will help me avoid a worse situation in the future.  She acted like nothing ever happened.  When I was dropping her off- she dropped another attacking bombshell just as she got out of the car.  

Why am I questioning my sanity?  Why do I let her do this to me?  How could a mother intentionally hurt her child?  I can’t wrap my head around that one for sure.  

Sorry for the long post, but like I said, I am reeling.

[Lifewriter16]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel back at the top of her target list. I think it's a common experience for loved ones of people who have personality disorders to feel like they are the crazy one, but the very fact they can reflect upon this indicates that they aren't.

It seems to me that BPD is a game of pass-the-hot-potato. The pwBPD feels awful and they feel compelled to alleviate their pain by passing it onto someone else via blame and projection. If it's someone else's fault, the problem can be solved more easily than if it is their own responsibility. If it's their problem, they feel hopeless but if it's yours, you can change... .

I'm pontificating a bit here... .and what I'm saying may be b*ll*cks, but I wonder if there's some of that in it.

Love Lifewriter