Letter from mother of a girlfriend

[Tomzxz]

I tried reaching out to the mother of my girlfriend when I was encountering some emotional problems from her.  She says she is diagnosed Major depressive disorder and has sever anxiety.  I cant help but think her behavior looks and feels eerily like BPD or HPD.  I met the mother a few times and I immediately disliked her. She is very distant, cold and calculating.  She is 58 years old and goes to regular therapy herself.   Clearly a candidate for some kind of disorder in her own right.  The family is messed up. Sister tried to kill herself, and Is diagnosed Bipolar. Father has a caretaker, codependent side that is strongly recognizable.  In all the research that I have done post BPD relationship with my ex, It is my understanding that boundaries are not only important but necessary in any relationship let alone a disorder one.  I know the mother is going to side with her daughter but her response (two months later) just looks like denial and in itself could pass as gaslighting - especially the religious context of the message. I would really like to respond but I almost feel like... .What's the point?   It feels like she is deflecting her own responsibility for her daughters disorder. Opinions please.



Here is the letter:

I thought a lot about your email to me and our couple of brief conversations and I wanted to share some of my thoughts on relationships and love.  You can share any of this with K if you want as I believe this is advise that I would give to both you and her.

Always keep God in the center of your relationship.   

In addition I have learned in my 58 years of living that words are powerful and we must make our words kind.  We must be there for each other without boundaries because a true relationship should have no boundaries.  If the person we love needs something we should always facilitate that person's needs and show kindness and love.   

Let the past be the past and live in the present.  Accept our relationships as pure and each others motives as good.  Let our feelings flow -  without restrictions from the past and give ourselves without condition to the other.  This is a Godly love and the following passage from the bible sums up what love is in a beautiful perfect way:

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a

(New International Version)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. (NIV)

Love is really all we need.  And a true love is giving and without thought of self.   

This is just a summary of my thoughts as I believe in  old fashioned love where a couple can be happy and share a life.  They can be there for each other and provide companionship throughout each stage of their life.   

K has a kind heart and needs someone who will give her companionship and unconditional love.  She is a diamond and whoever she is with is a very lucky guy.  You are also very kind Tom and I believe you have a good heart.  You both need to let the past go and trust in your feelings for each other.  NO BOUNDARIES - provide help when needed and always give love and share kindness.

Talk with each other often - always listen to each other - always respect each other.  To find someone to love is a rare thing and something to be cherished forever.

Please feel free to contact me or her dad anytime.  Thanks for being there for K with the  passing of Jazzie (family dog) and keep in touch.

XXXXX

[Moselle]

Hang in there Tomzxz

Sounds very similar to my ex ' s parents. They also told me to "stop this boundary nonsense"

Religion combined with clever words and persuasion. To someone who doesn't have boundaries ( like a child) this type of drivel actually becomes their reality.

Your gf was once a child in this home!

Unfortunately a BPD family is built around fear and emotional punishment.

My ex parents in law sold their own pot of lies to the rest of the world too. I mistakenly turned to them for support and eventually realised that they were the darkest of manipulators. Watch your back and  I know it sounds trite but if you need support, perhaps try healthy people

[Tomzxz]

Thank you Moselle.

I read your profile goals and It sounds like you and I have learned our lesson.  I probably need to just let go of this gf as her problems might just be too big to form a healthy lasting relationship with her let alone while trying to accept her family's blind culpability of her illness.  So sad.

I would still like to respond with something that lets this mother know where I stand and why.  If worded just right, it could also elude to the impression that I have a good idea where the source of the problem comes from and that I'm not susceptible to the same conditioning, but it's probably not worth starting anything.  Its just something in me, call it a dignified sense of what is due to myself or a position of character that I want to call out these disordered people.  If only I were more diplomatic.

If anyone else wants to add their 2 cents I would be happy to read it.  I should let this go but this is the kind of thing that I know I will chew on for awhile because it's a matter of pride... .Self respect.  

[Moselle]

Tomzxz.

Nothing about this situation is easy. It's all hard.

My advice is not to give the parents the satisfaction of letting them keep you engaged in their drama. Smile and let them know, by not even justifying that crazy letter with a response. The haunted look in their eyes will reveal to you the absolute shame inside them.

But they are likely to believe that they are perfectly fine, and that there is nothing wrong with them. It's everybody else that has the problem.

[Lifewriter16]

I have to say, Tom, that all this cl*ptr*p makes my blood boil... .but if you take your pride and add her pride, her emotional issues (including what I suspect includes wearing the trousers in this family and trampling all over her husband) and her sense of being right and of having God behind her, all I can see is problems if you take this further.

If it were me, I'd beat up a few cushions until my pride had recovered and I was able to let it go with grace.

I was brought up with Christian teaching and quite frankly, I get annoyed at how short-sighted it is and how people still cling to it almost to the point of losing all rational thought (this is just my opinion, of course). What she fails to focus on is all the teaching about discipline - and if that's not boundaries, I don't know what is.

This stuff may be good advice in 'normal' relationships, but it's certainly inappropriate with disordered people.

Love Lifewriter

[Stolen]

Tom,

You asked for opinions.  Run.  Far.

But that's only my opinion. But this sounds so, so familiar - MIL was (and is) an evil, manipulating Queen/Witch personality. uBPDxW was always unable to draw any boundaries.  So - I did.  But that's not your role - your GF is the one who needs to make and maintain boundaries, and also to own (and work on) her emotional issues.  You will die still trying to fix any of this.  I've been there. This sister suicide try?      xW's siblings ALL recounted suicidal ideation to me while still in their teens. 

MIL also was one to play the caring, church lady role - I still can't believe the roof hasn't collapsed on her!  All to keep up appearances.  Remember - going to church makes you a Christian like standing in your garage makes you a car. 

Just picture your potential MIL watching your kids... .

[ForeverDad]

I was brought up with Christian teaching and quite frankly, I get annoyed at how short-sighted it is and how people still cling to it almost to the point of losing all rational thought (this is just my opinion, of course). What she fails to focus on is all the teaching about discipline - and if that's not boundaries, I don't know what is.

This stuff may be good advice in 'normal' relationships, but it's certainly inappropriate with disordered people.

The Bible is a huge book.  It's easy for someone to latch onto a few favorite scriptures and ignore anything that contradicts the person's interpretation.

For example, I found this one that is so true:

"The hot-tempered man will pay the penalty; If you try to spare him, you will have to do it again and again. - Proverbs 19:19

And these:

"But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here.  For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having an appearance of godliness but proving false to its power; and from these turn away.  From among these arise men who slyly work their way into households and captivate weak women loaded down with sins, led by various desires, always learning and yet never able to come to an accurate knowledge of truth." - 2 Timothy 3:1-5

"All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, so that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work." - 2 Timothy 3:16-17