Detachment process is not linear

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sunday will be exactly 3 months of NC for me after one heck of a wild 3.5 year ride with my uBPDx.  Just wanted to tell you that the detachment process is not linear. There are days when you fall back.  Some nights I have shortness of breath I never experienced in the past 3 months. Other days I look forward.  It's a process, not a good or bad one, but a process that we must endure.  I try not to come on this board thinking that it is a sign of me not getting better, so I get mad at myself. But knowing I am not alone really helps.

[hopealways]

Sunday will be exactly 3 months of NC for me after one heck of a wild 3.5 year ride with my uBPDx.  Just wanted to tell you that the detachment process is not linear. There are days when you fall back.  Some nights I have shortness of breath I never experienced in the past 3 months. Other days I look forward.  It's a process, not a good or bad one, but a process that we must endure.  I try not to come on this board thinking that it is a sign of me not getting better, so I get mad at myself. But knowing I am not alone really helps.

[balletomane]

It is just over four months of no contact for me, and almost six months to the day since he told me about my replacement. Sometimes I worry that I will never be out of this pain, but when I think like that I remind myself that it's nowhere nearly as bad as it was in the immediate aftermath. More a quiet soreness that's out of general sight but always present to me. There are days when it hurts worse than others, but you are right, this is not a linear process. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself for slipping back, and then I remind myself that I haven't really - the overall trend is up even if there are a few dips and troughs on the way. Keep going and good luck to you.

[Michelle27]

It's 3 months of no contact for me now apart from one email exchange with logistics for the separation.  My situation is different than most in that I started the detaching process probably a year earlier and we had 3 months of LC while in a therapeutic separation in which I worked on me and he supposedly sought treatment.

You are right, it's not linear. I have days when I feel fully past everything, and days I get pretty down about how damaged I allowed myself and my kids to get as well as everything that still has to be worked through with the divorce.  But even on the bad days, I know I am doing better than the days in which I used to live in fear and anxiety and walk on eggshells waiting for the ax to fall.  I can now focus my attention on myself and my kids and not how or what he is doing. 

[sas1729]

I agree it's not linear. 3.5 years is a long enough time in an intense relationship, which it seems the ones with pwBPD are. I was with my ex for 2.5 years. Personally, I think many of us on these boards underestimate just how strong we are after N number of months. This is because it's precisely not linear.

I don't even know how to start quantifying the time. I guess most of us naturally start counting from the day we decide to go NC (breaking up, so to speak). But I know that in my case in all fairness I should probably date the "breakup" months before actually doing it. Several months, probably close to three or four, before I actually said goodbye. We went through the functions of being in a relationship. I stayed over, we cooked, we did chores, we had laughs on walks, but it was all fake. I don't know if she felt it was fake but I did. I didn't trust her in the sense that I didn't trust being myself with her.

My point is that throughout the final months I was in the process of breaking up slowly. I was detaching. I couldn't have ended it and then gone through that process. I grieved the relationship while still being in it. So it's from the point that you realise you can't be together that we should probably start counting.

[Michelle27]

I agree it's not linear. 3.5 years is a long enough time in an intense relationship, which it seems the ones with pwBPD are. I was with my ex for 2.5 years. Personally, I think many of us on these boards underestimate just how strong we are after N number of months. This is because it's precisely not linear.

I don't even know how to start quantifying the time. I guess most of us naturally start counting from the day we decide to go NC (breaking up, so to speak). But I know that in my case in all fairness I should probably date the "breakup" months before actually doing it. Several months, probably close to three or four, before I actually said goodbye. We went through the functions of being in a relationship. I stayed over, we cooked, we did chores, we had laughs on walks, but it was all fake. I don't know if she felt it was fake but I did. I didn't trust her in the sense that I didn't trust being myself with her.

My point is that throughout the final months I was in the process of breaking up slowly. I was detaching. I couldn't have ended it and then gone through that process. I grieved the relationship while still being in it. So it's from the point that you realise you can't be together that we should probably start counting.

I was with my pwBPD for 15 years.  The first 5 were ok, but looking back, I now see the red flags I chose to ignore.  Then things got crazy, but because I had the first 5 years, I thought we could get back to that and in my own codependent ways, I tried to fix it.  The last year or year and a half I did the same as you... .detached and grieved the relationship I thought I had while going through the motions of the relationship.  Calling it off was a huge relief and after that was easier than the period of time I faked it.  As I said, though, there are still hard days, but I expect them and they are getting less intense and pass quicker as time goes on.