Black sheep, whipping girl, continuing to wonder why...

[Hopeful_Mom]

Hi, I joined this group b/c my 16 yr old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. I never even heard of BPD. As soon as I began to research, I was certain that my dad was undiagnosed. The same abuse that I experienced as a child, I am now reliving as a parent.

In researching, I learned that those with BPD often have a child that is the black sheep. That is me. I was an academic achiever in HS; my dad didn't even graduate. This is the most obvious reason that I was the black sheep, but there are countless things that set me apart from my parents. Just before going NC my dad screamed at me that he was trying to be like the Heavenly Father and welcome me back... .All of this is so hurtful. All that I ever wanted was unconditional love.

Now, I have similar attacks and hate from my daughter.

Please know that I am now trying to sound like a victim. I am just wondering if anyone else has experience being the black sheep and/or is sandwiched in the middle of BPD chaos.

[Kwamina]

Hi Hopeful_Mom and welcome to Coping & Healing

Being treated as 'all-bad' isn't easy. Though it's all just projections stemming from a disordered mind, that doesn't take away that it's still quite unpleasant being treated like that. Are you familiar with the BPD behaviors known as 'projection' and 'splitting'? It seems both your dad and daughter engage in these behaviors. Here's some information about them:

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the boirderlines life.

You've already been researching BPD since your daughter has been recently diagnosed with it. If you want to read more about these two particular behaviors, you can do so here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Please know that I am now trying to sound like a victim. I am just wondering if anyone else has experience being the black sheep and/or is sandwiched in the middle of BPD chaos.

I have several (undiagnosed) BPD people in my family. My mother, her brother (my uncle) and my oldest sister. It's almost surreal how similar their dysfunction is, also coupled with their physical resemblance. I also a narcissistic brother whom I actually never considered as having a PD, yet in some ways he's the 'worst' of them all. It isn't easy having to deal with multiple disordered people in your life.

Your daughter has now been officially diagnosed, is she getting targeted treatment for her BPD?

Take care

[HappyChappy]

A father and a daughter, that must be tough. If you’ve not already read up on triangulation, where the black sheep is termed the scapegoat, I  would. Because research suggest, we don’t know why a BPD puts their kids in certain rolls other than it’s a very effective mechanism for controlling a group. If you get people fighting amount themselves, they can’t attack you ,they can’t gang up on you. The BPD mom wants to control communication, so she wants’ to create jealously and mistrust between her kids. Divide and conquer. So you were probably the black sheep even before you plopped out of your BPD mom.

But as children we are told it’s all our fault and down to us, but I hope in time you’ll realise, not so much. Not where a BPD is involved.  I was the black sheep and absolutely convinced I was adopted. It was blatant in my family, because the golden child was so dysfunctional. My BPD flew in the face of popular beliefs about her kids. Welcome to our family. You'll be treated well on this site,  very supportive and none judmental. Welcome.  

[Hopeful_Mom]

Kwamina and Happy Chap,

Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback. I can read about projection, but is difficult to remind myself of that "in the moment". The kind words from both of you are so welcomed. Take care.

[Panda39]

Because research suggest, we don’t know why a BPD puts their kids in certain rolls other than it’s a very effective mechanism for controlling a group. If you get people fighting amount themselves, they can’t attack you ,they can’t gang up on you. The BPD mom wants to control communication, so she wants’ to create jealously and mistrust between her kids. Divide and conquer.

HappyChappy,

This just gave me goosebumps.  My SO and I have been coming to the realization that this is what has been going on with my SO's daughters and their uBPDmom.  We came to this conclusion via conversation about the triangulation going on with the three of them.  D15 is the scapegoat D19 the golden child. I feel for them both.  D19 is very very low contact and D15 is low contact.  Mom has been using D15 to try and contact D19. 

Both had birthdays recently August and September.  Mom did nothing and got nothing for either of them.  Then mom started talking to D15 about getting her a tablet for her birthday.  Then after several discussions about this she says she's going to bring it over and so she arrives and gives it to D19 instead    D15 again has been made to feel "less than" in the eyes of her mother.  She said that her mom loves sister 19 more than her.  What she didn't understand was that D19 received the tablet as a bribe to talk to her mom.  This gift was nothing about either of the girls it was all about their mom and what she wants. My SO and the girls have decided to return the Tablet.  That would be a great big NO THANK YOU!

Hopefull_Mom,

I hope you excuse my butting in for a minute HappyChappy really validated something for me. 

While I'm butting in I also want to add my welcome to HappyChappy's and Kwamina's.  It sounds like you have been in generational BPD sandwich that can't be an easy place to be.  I'm really glad you've found our family and have become a new member because I know you will find understanding, knowledge, and support just as I have.  I've been here a year and a half and I still have those "Ah ha" moments when something just clicks and helps me help myself, SO, or his daughters.  I've used tools learned here with family and even in work situations.

I encourage you to keep posting and sharing your experiences.

Take Care,

Panda39