Acceptance and grief

[unicorn2014]

Dear sunflower,

Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm not feeling angry today.

My partner really wanted me to know who he was in the beginning of the r/s so he told me all about his past.

He bought us both copies of the high conflict couple. I had to stop reading it because it was too painful for me as it reminded me of my first marriage so I gave it to my child's father.

My feelings towards his stbx are a direct result of how she treated me. She was directly vindictive towards me. If she wanted me to stop talking to her husband she could have called me and let me know he was married but she didn't, she used subterfuge to humiliate me. That was totally unnecessary.

I'm definitely not happy that he didn't show me the papers or have his lawyer call me. That is why I am on the undecided board.

I am aware he could be lying to me. However I'm not willing to call him a liar. I'm not talking to him about this anymore in line with my new boundary.

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, you wrote that if he wants to be in a r/ship with you he has to file for divorce. He IS in a r/ship with you. I'm guessing you mean a r/ship at close quarters.

I asked a ways back on this or another thread--do you think you'd be OK staying in the current LDR for quite a while? Because with the boundary defined at "I won't engage in anything past a LDR until you've filed," he could stand pat and keep the current arrangement going for a long time. Would that work for you?

(And yes, I realize you are also reconsidering the LDR boundary because you've realized you can't prevent him from moving--from your other thread.)

Patient and clear, I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. I don't mind being in a long distance r/s while he gets his stuff together. He's the one that's in a hurry to move out here. I'm the one that's telling him to hold on until he gets his affairs in order . I've been telling him that since I joined this board. He doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

[patientandclear]

Unicorn, you wrote that if he wants to be in a r/ship with you he has to file for divorce. He IS in a r/ship with you. I'm guessing you mean a r/ship at close quarters.

I asked a ways back on this or another thread--do you think you'd be OK staying in the current LDR for quite a while? Because with the boundary defined at "I won't engage in anything past a LDR until you've filed," he could stand pat and keep the current arrangement going for a long time. Would that work for you?

(And yes, I realize you are also reconsidering the LDR boundary because you've realized you can't prevent him from moving--from your other thread.)

Patient and clear, I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. I don't mind being in a long distance r/s while he gets his stuff together. He's the one that's in a hurry to move out here. I'm the one that's telling him to hold on until he gets his affairs in order . I've been telling him that since I joined this board. He doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

He's saying he doesn't want to be in a LDR.  But you've posted several times reflecting on your past posts or journal entries (sorry I don't recall which) from more than two years ago, about his statements that he was getting ready to move closer, but that did not happen.  If that dynamic continues, I was asking, are you willing to remain in a LDR for an indefinite time?  From this post, it seems your answer is yes.

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, you wrote that if he wants to be in a r/ship with you he has to file for divorce. He IS in a r/ship with you. I'm guessing you mean a r/ship at close quarters.

I asked a ways back on this or another thread--do you think you'd be OK staying in the current LDR for quite a while? Because with the boundary defined at "I won't engage in anything past a LDR until you've filed," he could stand pat and keep the current arrangement going for a long time. Would that work for you?

(And yes, I realize you are also reconsidering the LDR boundary because you've realized you can't prevent him from moving--from your other thread.)

Patient and clear, I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. I don't mind being in a long distance r/s while he gets his stuff together. He's the one that's in a hurry to move out here. I'm the one that's telling him to hold on until he gets his affairs in order . I've been telling him that since I joined this board. He doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

He's saying he doesn't want to be in a LDR.  But you've posted several times reflecting on your past posts or journal entries (sorry I don't recall which) from more than two years ago, about his statements that he was getting ready to move closer, but that did not happen.  If that dynamic continues, I was asking, are you willing to remain in a LDR for an indefinite time?  From this post, it seems your answer is yes.

Patient and clear, it is from my past posts and journal entries, your welcome to look up my past posts yourself. I can post about my old dbt card later if that would be helpful when I post about mindfulness for the non. I was single for 7 years before I met my partner and I was planning on being single until I was finished raising my daughter. I think I will link to my old post later.  So, yes, I'm ok being in a LDR while I'm raising my daughter.

[Sunfl0wer]

Dear sunflower,

Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm not feeling angry today.

My partner really wanted me to know who he was in the beginning of the r/s so he told me all about his past.

He bought us both copies of the high conflict couple. I had to stop reading it because it was too painful for me as it reminded me of my first marriage so I gave it to my child's father.

My feelings towards his stbx are a direct result of how she treated me. She was directly vindictive towards me. If she wanted me to stop talking to her husband she could have called me and let me know he was married but she didn't, she used subterfuge to humiliate me. That was totally unnecessary.

I'm definitely not happy that he didn't show me the papers or have his lawyer call me. That is why I am on the undecided board.

I am aware he could be lying to me. However I'm not willing to call him a liar. I'm not talking to him about this anymore in line with my new boundary.

I looked back to the OP.  Do you feel that you have received what you are trying to discover through this thread?

What can we help with in regards to acceptance and grief?

(Only asking as I am uncertain a bit as there aren't questions in the OP... .so I'm not sure, maybe you have figured it out now?)

[unicorn2014]

Dear sunflower,

Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm not feeling angry today.

My partner really wanted me to know who he was in the beginning of the r/s so he told me all about his past.

He bought us both copies of the high conflict couple. I had to stop reading it because it was too painful for me as it reminded me of my first marriage so I gave it to my child's father.

My feelings towards his stbx are a direct result of how she treated me. She was directly vindictive towards me. If she wanted me to stop talking to her husband she could have called me and let me know he was married but she didn't, she used subterfuge to humiliate me. That was totally unnecessary.

I'm definitely not happy that he didn't show me the papers or have his lawyer call me. That is why I am on the undecided board.

I am aware he could be lying to me. However I'm not willing to call him a liar. I'm not talking to him about this anymore in line with my new boundary.

I looked back to the OP.  Do you feel that you have received what you are trying to discover through this thread?

What can we help with in regards to acceptance and grief?

(Only asking as I am uncertain a bit as there aren't questions in the OP... .so I'm not sure, maybe you have figured it out now?)

I've come to accept the situation for what it is so I'm ready to move on to the next subject, whether its rumination, the fog, or not letting someone else take up rent in your head.

[Sunfl0wer]

I've come to accept the situation for what it is so I'm ready to move on to the next subject, whether its rumination, the fog, or not letting someone else take up rent in your head.